How did I get where I am? 19 and hopelessly in love with a married man.

[bentnotbroken]

See, you ASSUME that ANY BS who is posting is bitter towards any AP. That is so not true.. I think I know who you *are* so you know this place well enough to know how things roll. It's honestly now just best to focus on the original poster and not side jack the thread into other conversations and point fingers at people for stating their opinion. NOONE was rude, or mean, honest, yes, harsh yes, giving her a reality check, yes. But not bitter.

 

 

Here..here!

[sugarmomma]

But what is right? Do I walk away and live my life and let him live his?

 

 

 

 

 

 

BINGO!!! That's the answer

[BB07]

You have no idea who I am. I've never posted here or registered here at this site. Sorry, you got it wrong!

 

 

If you disappear (get banned) in the next few days I guess it's safe to assume that the above isn't true. Just saying............

 

Sorry for the T/J.

[bentnotbroken]

BINGO!!! That's the answer

 

 

*And the audience breaks into loud applause*

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by sillylittlegirl

But what is right? Do I walk away and live my life and let him live his?

Yes, you walk away because he IS married. He isn't yours and it doesn't matter that you've known him for so long.

 

If you two meet up again later in life and he's single, then go for it. Until then, live your life, let him live his.

[tami-chan]

"Hopelessly in love"...it feels hopeless because you are young and do not have the maturity it takes to navigate these things. Break it off...you do not want to invest more of your youth on something or someone like him.

[awkward]

If he was a liar and a cheat, I would be the first one to call him out on his crap.

 

I'm not sure you are seeing this man clearly then. Fact is he is a liar and a cheat and you are not calling him out on his crap.

 

Probably most importantly, I do not want him to leave HER for ME.

If this is true and most important to you, then do you think staying involved with him his the best route?

 

Also just because you are young doesn't make you naive, stupid, ignorant, etc. It makes you young and inexperienced. Inexperienced people can be hurt tremendously by some MM.

 

You have no idea who I am. I've never posted here or registered here at this site. Sorry, you got it wrong!

 

If you truly aren't a sock puppet, I hope you will allow people to post how and what they want to post and let Tony determine if the TOS have been breached without going at the posters in others threads. It often takes the thread off track (people then feel the need to defend themselves) and is unfair to the OP. The ignore button on this site works fantastically.

[half_ofa_heart]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. While I understand the concept of tough love, I did not post here to be attacked. If that wasn't the intent, please excuse me. But allow me to clarify some parts of my situation that were, evidently, a bit hazy in my first post.

 

1) I'm not justifying this, by any means. I don't condone adultery. I know what we are doing is wrong, and I realize the situation I've gotten myself into. I realize that his is unfair to his W. I realize that I'm too young to be the OW. However, my age does not necessarily mean that I am immature and stupid. MM is young as well. My point in emphasizing my age was to point out my inexperience in situations such as these, and my utter lack of knowledge in how to proceed.

 

2) I have known this man for years. I know the way his mind works, I know what makes him tick, and I know that he would never willingly hurt anyone, including me, for his own benefit. He is NOT a bad person, and in saying this, I am not blinded by love and giddiness – If he was a liar and a cheat, I would be the first one to call him out on his crap. His is a truly kind person with a good heart who got himself into a bad situation and doesn't know how to rectify it. If you don't believe that, fine; you don't have to. I'm getting the feeling that there are posters who believe that all MMs are inherently evil -- and I think this is the farthest thing from the truth.

 

To the poster who bluntly stated that I was merely infatuated with my MM, PLEASE allow me to correct you. I am not an airy, immature teenager. While I certainly do not yet know for sure what I want out of my life, I do think I am grounded and intelligent enough to know the difference between infatuation and love. I have experienced both and can distinguish them. The fact that you've made that judgmental assumption based on several paragraphs of my writing is, quite frankly, extremely offensive to me. On a related note, we are not "sleeping around." I've slept with him once, in a moment of pure weakness, and it will not happen again. This is not a question of the MM "having his cake and eating it too." I can make the argument that the EA has lasted for well over a year -- since before his wedding. If we're talking crazy unrequited feelings, this has existed since before they began dating. You can argue many things against us, but to say that he is using me for a good time is simply ridiculous.

 

3) His marriage was one of pure convenience. This is an area where I will agree that he is and was being a complete ass. It was rooted in immaturity and a lack of common sense. I realize I have the bad habit of defending him, but this is inexcusable. MM's parents and W's parents were friends and set them up. He was 22 and had never been in a relationship, she was 32 and had never been in a relationship. They were both feeling pressure to grow up and move on, and so they took solace in each other. He is not freeloading off of her parents; the house was part of the deal. If they married quickly, her parents would find them a place to live. He tells me that he is not in love with her, and yes, I know -- typical. But I am not convinced that she is in love with him either. And, no, I DO NOT FEEL THAT THIS MAKES WHAT WE ARE DOING RIGHT.

 

4) Probably most importantly, I do not want him to leave HER for ME. I want him to leave her for himself, if that is what he wants to do. If he is truly as unhappy as he says he is, all I want for him is to solve his problems. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I know that at the points we are both at in our lives, a stable uncomplicated relationship between us would be impossible. I have two-and-a-half years left of school. I have hopes and dreams and things I want to see and do in my life. By no means am I ready to settle down, and he knows this. This is why I am unsure as to what I want. I have no right to WANT him to leave his W if I don't plan on starting a relationship with him. I want him to leave if it is what he wants to do, but selfishly I want him to leave so it is easier for me to love him. If we are going to continue this -- whatever it is -- I would rather him be unattached than married, naturally. I am not interested in having an affair with him, but I also do not want him to be waiting in the wings for me while I go out and live my life. I just want us both to be happy. I think this is why I am so uneasy and confused -- I have no idea what it is that we truly need to be happy.

 

Could I go back to school and find someone who I fall harder for? Sure. It's unlikely, but it could certainly happen. Could he separate from his wife and find someone else while I'm away at school? Sure. Could I move overseas and never see him again? Could I drop dead tomorrow? Absolutely. I'm not looking to plan for the future here. I'm not implying that he'll leave his marriage and marry me. All I know is that I love him right here and right now, and he says he loves me too. And we need to do what is right for us. But what is right? Do I walk away and live my life and let him live his? Do I encourage him and stand by him and support him? Do I try and cut my best friend out of my life just because I can't help but feel something for him that is considered morally reprehensible? I don't know how to handle it.

 

Call me stupid. Call me naive. Call me an immature, infatuated teenager. Perceive this as you wish. Just know that I believe I am of sound mind enough to understand my own feelings.

 

AND more than capable to articulate them!!! Well said my dear.

[starlight102]

Here we go...Obviously you are reborn old member or been reading for a while.

Comments like these just fan the flames. MOST people both BS and OW give pretty good advice. Harsh yes, but not rude or mean. Reality sometimes need to be shown.

 

No, I'm not an old member or a reborn member, as you call it. I'm someone who has been reading this forum for a while. Yes, I agree reality is in order.....it goes both ways.

[Fieldsofgold]

. . . .

 

When we first met, I was fifteen and he was twenty. . . >> He would never speak to me, but he would go out of his way to pass by my desk and shoot me an angry stare. With no explanation for any of his behavior,<<

 

I took him as being a total ass and decided that I intensely disliked him.

 

. . . my senior year of high school >>Our relationship escalated to more intense staring.<<. . .

 

That winter, a mutual friend of ours got married. At the wedding, I saw him in a completely different light. . . >>he absolutely glowed.<< I saw him across the room, and there was just something there that was never there before. >>I also realized that night, that he was with a woman... who happened to be his girlfriend of six months.<<. . .

 

In December, I went home for winter break and went back to work. >>The speaking had stopped. The stares turned angry again.<<

 

>> I was outrageously confused about his mixed signals,<<

 

They were married ridiculously quickly; in April. >>Apparently, **she** wanted it finalized as soon as possible.<<

 

>>It is probably important to mention that she is ten years older than he is<<

 

This past summer, >> He was kind to me, maybe too kind -- but friendly nonetheless for the first few weeks I was in the office. <<

 

>>I went abroad for two weeks and when I returned, so did the angry staring and the complete lack of communication, but this time he became rude about it.<<

 

>>He would speak to me through other people so as to avoid contact with me.<<

 

>> He would outright refuse to work with me.<<

 

>>A friend confirmed his odd behavior with me, so I knew it wasn't all in my head.<<

 

>> One afternoon, in the break room, I completely snapped. I couldn't take the mixed signals any longer.<<

 

>> I told him that his obvious rude behavior frustrated me,<<

 

>>He decided to propose to W because he felt that he had no other "safe" options.<<

 

>>detailing how much he loved me, and **plotting** to end his relationship.<<

 

He says that the only reason why he has not already left is because of financial responsibility. She was laid off from her job and is unemployed. Her parents technically own the house they live in, and his parents own her car. They took out a loan for the wedding that is in his name. He's gone behind her back and hired an attorney to figure everything out.

 

>> I just don't know what I am doing, <<

 

 

 

Ok, I'm a little late joining in the discussion. I have read your opening post, and there are some things that REALLY jump out at me. I will comment only on your opening post, at this time.

 

Please tell me, what is it about a passive-aggressive, game-playing, ill-tempered anti-social who pouts and sulks, who is lacking in self-control to the point that he publicly displays childish and rude behaviors (at work no less!), who publicly demeans, belittles and marginalizes you, who is too weak-willed to make important life decisions for himself, who is easily manipulated by others, and who lies and sneaks around, that you find so wildly attractive?

 

This guy has personality disorders out the wazoo!

 

Most of his behavior, as you have described it, would be more in line with a petulant 15 year old. And in fact, you state that he started treating you like that when you were 15. What kind of 20 y/o adult man treats a 15 year old minor child that way?

 

So now he's spent the next 4 years shooting you angry glares? Being rude to you? Publicly, no less, so that even other people notice!!!

 

Refusing to work with you? Refusing to speak to you, except through other people? How utterly childish and disrespectful.

 

What a drama queen this guy is!

 

I cannot imagine any self-respecting woman who would tolerate being treated like that! Much less find the guy "irresistible."

 

Or do you somehow interpret his behavior as a display of his passionate love for you?

 

Wildly vacillating behavioral swings - too kind to you, then angry glares with accelerated rudeness? Driving you to frustration. If its that bad only working with him, imagine what it would be like to live with him! Imagine the hell his wife is living in.

 

Do you think his behavior would be different if he was with you?

 

And he was so spineless and weak that he allowed the big, evil older woman to coerce him into marrying her? Really? He couldn't stand up and make his own choices about such an important matter? He just had to go with the flow on that one?

 

Either he is a total pathetic wimp, or he is blowing so much smoke up ur azz, it should be coming out your ears about now.

 

Read what you wrote about seeing him at the wedding. "he was glowing." He was also "with his girlfriend of six months." Honey, if a man is at a wedding, with a woman he is dating, and he is glowing --- he's in love!

 

And let's not forget that he is lying and cheating and sneaking around on someone he made vows to, not long ago. Now, you said, he is "plotting to end the relationship" behind her back. He has seen a divorce attorney behind her back. So he is making plans to divorce her, but he hasnt bothered to clue her in, just yet. These are not great character traits to look for in a man. Oh, and he's not "plotting" to end a "relationship." He's plotting to end his marriage. Big difference.

 

Ending a marriage doesn't require "plotting." Only a straight-forward, honest talk with his wife, and a trip to the divorce lawyer. Preferably with her. It's relatively simple, especially since there are no children or complicated financial investments, or years of accumulating community property involved.

 

He is confusing your life with his problems and his drama, something a real man would not do to a 19 year old. Especially if he loved her.

 

IMO, this man has a TON of personality, behavior and character problems. Being married may be one of his lesser problems.

 

You want input from people older and more experienced. I qualiy. My advice to you is run.like.the.wind. EVEN IF he gets a divorce!

Edited December 27, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[pureinheart]

Hi SLG,

 

Just out of curiosity...why did he give you unusual looks in the beginning? Before he hardly knew you....afterwards I can kind of understand, although he is the one that chose to get married, and then gives you dirty looks...

 

Based on the "looks" thing alone, I would say there is something really not right there...if I were you I would explore that thoroughly.

 

Karma is right, you are well-worded:)

[pureinheart]

Please tell me, what is it about a passive-aggressive, game-playing, ill-tempered anti-social who pouts and sulks, who is lacking in self-control to the point that he publicly displays childish and rude behaviors (at work no less!), who publicly demeans, belittles and marginalizes you, who is too weak-willed to make important life decisions for himself, who is easily manipulated by others, and who lies and sneaks around, that you find so wildly attractive?

 

This guy has personality disorders out the wazoo!

 

Most of his behavior, as you have described it, would be more in line with a petulant 15 year old. And in fact, you state that he started treating you like that when you were 15. What kind of 20 y/o adult man treats a 15 year old minor child that way?

 

So now he's spent the next 4 years shooting you angry glares? Being rude to you? Publicly, no less, so that even other people notice!!!

 

Refusing to work with you? Refusing to speak to you, except through other people? How utterly childish and disrespectful.

 

 

Ya, I saw this too, you worded it much better..lol...hummmm FOG, could you tell us how you really feel!

 

I thought it was interesting, and like you had not read any posts except for Karmas, then saw yours after I had posted...ya that staring thing had me...totally not cool...too many games IMO.

[Fieldsofgold]

Ya, I saw this too, you worded it much better..lol...hummmm FOG, could you tell us how you really feel!

 

I thought it was interesting, and like you had not read any posts except for Karmas, then saw yours after I had posted...ya that staring thing had me...totally not cool...too many games IMO.

 

Well, I've read that we shouldn't call people losers or jerks, so it was the best I could do under the circumstances.

[Woman In Blue]

... I loved him before she did, and I feel oddly justified.

LOL. Spoken like a true 19 year old teenager.

 

As another poster said, a few years from now you won't even remember this little weasel's last name. You have years of living to do before you even understand what life is.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Woman In Blue

[fooled once]

I just had to chime in and agree with you. I've been reading this board for quite some time, and there are those here who are so bitter and angry. This is supposed to be a forum to support those going through an EMR. This is not a forum to support bitter OW's or BS. There are other forums for that kind of talk.

 

This is a public forum, yes that's true and anyone can respond however they like; however, inferring and sometimes outright saying to the OW that she's out of her mind is not helpful or productive advice. Individuals who post in this manner do not truly know the relationship that an OW has with her MM (what is written many times are snippets of what's happening), they don't know the feelings involved, the history (yes, history between the MM and the OW), the dynamics of the relationship, things that have been discussed, etc.

 

I find it curious as to how some people place all EMR's in the same light because that is not the case. That would be like saying that all troubled marriages are alike - that no differences exist, and that's completely false.

 

Good luck to you!

 

another post where you are calling people bitter. Why? EMR vs affair. There was one poster who is no longer here who called affairs EMR's too. Interesting.

 

It seems to me that some posters here (and please correct me if I'm wrong) are posting from their experiences with being the BS?? If that's the case, it really goes without saying that they are bitter towards women who are AP, and I can understand that. I really do. That being said however, I don't see what real advice it is to say some of the things that are said here. Just giving my thoughts.

 

Correcting you because you are wrong. There is one BS on here that I am aware of (this thread specifically) and this is the second time you have called her bitter.

 

Why?

 

Why do you ASSume that a poster here would be taking out any anger on a current OW? Why?

 

"Hopelessly in love"...it feels hopeless because you are young and do not have the maturity it takes to navigate these things. Break it off...you do not want to invest more of your youth on something or someone like him.

 

Great post!

 

Ok, I'm a little late joining in the discussion. I have read your opening post, and there are some things that REALLY jump out at me. I will comment only on your opening post, at this time.

 

Please tell me, what is it about a passive-aggressive, game-playing, ill-tempered anti-social who pouts and sulks, who is lacking in self-control to the point that he publicly displays childish and rude behaviors (at work no less!), who publicly demeans, belittles and marginalizes you, who is too weak-willed to make important life decisions for himself, who is easily manipulated by others, and who lies and sneaks around, that you find so wildly attractive?

 

This guy has personality disorders out the wazoo!

 

Most of his behavior, as you have described it, would be more in line with a petulant 15 year old. And in fact, you state that he started treating you like that when you were 15. What kind of 20 y/o adult man treats a 15 year old minor child that way?

 

So now he's spent the next 4 years shooting you angry glares? Being rude to you? Publicly, no less, so that even other people notice!!!

 

Refusing to work with you? Refusing to speak to you, except through other people? How utterly childish and disrespectful.

 

What a drama queen this guy is!

 

I cannot imagine any self-respecting woman who would tolerate being treated like that! Much less find the guy "irresistible."

 

Or do you somehow interpret his behavior as a display of his passionate love for you?

 

Wildly vacillating behavioral swings - too kind to you, then angry glares with accelerated rudeness? Driving you to frustration. If its that bad only working with him, imagine what it would be like to live with him! Imagine the hell his wife is living in.

 

Do you think his behavior would be different if he was with you?

 

And he was so spineless and weak that he allowed the big, evil older woman to coerce him into marrying her? Really? He couldn't stand up and make his own choices about such an important matter? He just had to go with the flow on that one?

 

Either he is a total pathetic wimp, or he is blowing so much smoke up ur azz, it should be coming out your ears about now.

 

Read what you wrote about seeing him at the wedding. "he was glowing." He was also "with his girlfriend of six months." Honey, if a man is at a wedding, with a woman he is dating, and he is glowing --- he's in love!

 

And let's not forget that he is lying and cheating and sneaking around on someone he made vows to, not long ago. Now, you said, he is "plotting to end the relationship" behind her back. He has seen a divorce attorney behind her back. So he is making plans to divorce her, but he hasnt bothered to clue her in, just yet. These are not great character traits to look for in a man. Oh, and he's not "plotting" to end a "relationship." He's plotting to end his marriage. Big difference.

 

Ending a marriage doesn't require "plotting." Only a straight-forward, honest talk with his wife, and a trip to the divorce lawyer. Preferably with her. It's relatively simple, especially since there are no children or complicated financial investments, or years of accumulating community property involved.

 

He is confusing your life with his problems and his drama, something a real man would not do to a 19 year old. Especially if he loved her.

 

IMO, this man has a TON of personality, behavior and character problems. Being married may be one of his lesser problems.

 

You want input from people older and more experienced. I qualiy. My advice to you is run.like.the.wind. EVEN IF he gets a divorce!

 

Excellent post FOG!!!

[starlight102]

Resposes are in bold

 

another post where you are calling people bitter. Why? EMR vs affair. There was one poster who is no longer here who called affairs EMR's too. Interesting.

 

Not sure what the issue is concerning the word I used whether it be an affair or an EMR. They are both one in the same thing so I'm not sure why you find it so interesting and apparently upsetting. I find THAT curious. Apparently, you think that I'm someone who used to post here. Let me assure you, that's not the case.

 

Correcting you because you are wrong. There is one BS on here that I am aware of (this thread specifically) and this is the second time you have called her bitter.

 

Why?

 

Why do you ASSume that a poster here would be taking out any anger on a current OW? Why?

 

I'm not making an assumption. I am basing what I said on how the response was worded, the tone of the response, and probably more importantly what she's been through in her marriage. Everyone here has strong feelings about this subject and rightfully so. While I understand the need for some to "set the OW straight", there are other ways of wording responses. This is a support forum for OW/OM, and rationalizing ALL OW's and their MM is ridiculous.

 

 

[Heather1]

Wildly vacillating behavioral swings - too kind to you, then angry glares with accelerated rudeness? Driving you to frustration. If its that bad only working with him, imagine what it would be like to live with him! Imagine the hell his wife is living in.

 

I'm glad you pointed that out, because that's one of the first signs of an abusive person. Not labeling, just a sign.

 

The marriage of convenience is a bunch of crap, are we in the 1800's? You're 19....WAY more single fish in the sea!!! Here's the deal, I was great friends w/ a guy I was really attracted to @ 23 & wondered why we spent so much time together & he never touched me. He told me he had a rocky relationship w/ a GF 200 miles away, gave me a valentines gift, wrote me a note after we went dancing (because I suddenly had to leave because I got my period & didn't tell him why, so he wrote me a lengthy note). Luckily, I have lots of guy friends & asked what the "guyspeak" was for his actions. My friend laughed, and said his "rocky relationship" means he's engaged & that he's full of it. Yep, engaged, and the week before the wedding he showed up @ my house sweating & saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to go through w/ this 500 person wedding. By that time, I'd met his fiance & liked her, so I told him he was just having jitters. They invited my Mom & I, and are still married (20 years). My Mom helped her get a job.

 

Do you have male friends? You need some "guyspeak" Even the nicest of guys want their relationship to be in trouble when they see a pretty girl

 

Go fish!!

[NoIDidn't]

SillyLittleGirl,

 

You are 19. And at 24, he already has too much baggage for you.

 

Walk away. Go back to school and meet someone more suitable.

 

I agree with Ariadne. In fact, I'm sitting here right now trying to remember the names of the losers that gave me similar lines.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OP,

 

I don't fault you for any of the evolution you describe.

 

It isn't easy to be a teenage girl to start with, and the responsibility always falls on the older suitor (or could-be suitor) beyond that.

 

I am very glad that we don't need to address this from the standpoint that he would be in trouble with the law for having pursued you, so at least you have that in your favor.

 

Could his seeming dislike for you at times have been tied to the fact that you were seen as only being there because of your father's position?

 

The most difficult reality for me/us to convey to you here at LS is the difference between what is represented by "him" in your mind, and that which is "your emotional investment IN him". The "him" part is showing signs that aren't exactly glowing (hasty, thoughtless marriage... hasty divorce plans, etc.).

 

You, on the other hand, have every right to have evolved through teenage years in normal schoolgirl fashion. It was okay for you to have those feelings of interest and desire for him.

 

I love how well-written you are here, but with so much of your last few years having been absorbed by this guy, I think it pretty likely that you aren't very aware of how considerably you would thrive out in the open social waters (perhaps moreso had you not been preoccupied for so much of the past few years).

 

I can appreciate that you have learned quite a great deal about this coworker guy over time, but you've also been blessed to have had an up-close understanding of how he conducts himself, and what you've reported here simply isn't fodder for a lengthy and thriving future with ONE person.

 

Consider that he professes to have essentially gone into a marriage blindly, and that he has little or zero interest in working things out together with someone whom he married.

 

These just aren't good signs - and as a 19yo woman YOU are eligible for so much more!!

[pureinheart]

I just had to chime in and agree with you. I've been reading this board for quite some time, and there are those here who are so bitter and angry. This is supposed to be a forum to support those going through an EMR. This is not a forum to support bitter OW's or BS. There are other forums for that kind of talk.

 

This is a public forum, yes that's true and anyone can respond however they like; however, inferring and sometimes outright saying to the OW that she's out of her mind is not helpful or productive advice. Individuals who post in this manner do not truly know the relationship that an OW has with her MM (what is written many times are snippets of what's happening), they don't know the feelings involved, the history (yes, history between the MM and the OW), the dynamics of the relationship, things that have been discussed, etc.

 

I find it curious as to how some people place all EMR's in the same light because that is not the case. That would be like saying that all troubled marriages are alike - that no differences exist, and that's completely false.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Having read some of the responses to you, please keep in mind YOU have as much right as ANYONE to post your opinion...

 

FTR I use the term EMR and EMA...maybe I am SL also:)

[IfiKnewThen]

i would like to say that some 19 year olds have been much wiser than me at my age so...

 

though at 19 you might not have had certain life experiences that time gives us, doesnt mean a 19 year old cant have a great head on their shoulders. and i think you do...you just went with the build up of feelings for this guy and did give into the moment. us humans do stuff like that and make mistakes. is it a mistake. yes. because it can hurt you. and the wife etc. and God forbid you get pregnant, etc. and not really knowing him or the wife ..if one of them slept with someone else...could be worse health problems. i know you get the point.

 

but please don't make him the victim. its very true we can marry badly at any age. and maybe or obvioulsy, they shouldn't be together. But what is he working on? dos he try in the marriage? he just cops out after 1 year of marriage? if we all did that in the first year, would that be horrible, the 1st year is the worst. no one would be married. period.

 

hes not being fair to either of you and that's the truth of it. but i am NO one to judge, i know that for a fact.

 

 

but if you were my daughter and friend i would be telling you not to have sex with him again and try not to even get close to being intimate with him.

 

he needs to work on these issues he has alone ..well not drag you into it.

 

quote: (and bingo) I want him to leave her for himself, if that is what he wants to do. If he is truly as unhappy as he says he is, all I want for him is to solve his problems. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I know that at the points we are both at in our lives, a stable uncomplicated relationship between us would be impossible. I have two-and-a-half years left of school.

 

exactly. sometimes as the writer erica jong said, advise is something we ask when we already know the anwser and wish we didnt.

 

 

also when you said : I loved him before she did, and I feel oddly justified.

 

i think anyone at ANY age can understand this : ) (seriously)

 

 

silly i want to personally say i am sooooo sooooo proud of you for coming on here and seeking help/ advise. for reaching out. so many young people still out there keeping things inside them that hurt or they cant tell their parents or friends..and in the end hurt themselves more by it. i hope others bare that in mind and chill a bit here.

 

i commend you. you did a good thing. you ARE smart. you are human. you are brave. and you look deep down inside you you know the answers.

 

if he wants you he has to earn you. and he has to do the right thing by really talking to his wife and telling her things are over or not right. the real right thing to do however, would be trying everything WITH her first then if it doesnt work move on.

 

for you the thing to do is get even stronger. keep busy...turn to family ties and friends and even God or a higher power...and your studies...and let him work out HIS problems and if youre still there and want him afterwards if he comes to you fine. thats just my opinon;)

[cerridwen]

please don't make him the victim. its very true we can marry badly at any age. and maybe or obvioulsy, they shouldn't be together....

 

if he wants you he has to earn you. and he has to do the right thing by really talking to his wife and telling her things are over or not right...

 

...let him work out HIS problems and if youre still there and want him afterwards if he comes to you fine. thats just my opinon;)

 

Great points IfIKnewThen.

 

Silly, wouldn't you agree a measure of his character is how he communicates these serious issues with his wife?

 

Rather than going behind his wife's back to consult a lawyer, wouldn't you agree it's more honorable to tell her how he's feeling, that her financial situation is a concern to him, but he is seriously considering divorce? I'm sure you'd agree that were you in her position, you'd want him to act so. But, he has been duplicitous repeatedly. That he willingly engages in so much deception is not a good sign. Simply said, I worry your trust is misplaced.

 

Please be careful. Set some parameters. Know your value. And have him come to you free and clear.

[bentnotbroken]

i would like to say that some 19 year olds have been much wiser than me at my age so...

 

though at 19 you might not have had certain life experiences that time gives us, doesnt mean a 19 year old cant have a great head on their shoulders. and i think you do...you just went with the build up of feelings for this guy and did give into the moment. us humans do stuff like that and make mistakes. is it a mistake. yes. because it can hurt you. and the wife etc. and God forbid you get pregnant, etc. and not really knowing him or the wife ..if one of them slept with someone else...could be worse health problems. i know you get the point.

 

but please don't make him the victim. its very true we can marry badly at any age. and maybe or obvioulsy, they shouldn't be together. But what is he working on? dos he try in the marriage? he just cops out after 1 year of marriage? if we all did that in the first year, would that be horrible, the 1st year is the worst. no one would be married. period.

 

hes not being fair to either of you and that's the truth of it. but i am NO one to judge, i know that for a fact.

 

 

but if you were my daughter and friend i would be telling you not to have sex with him again and try not to even get close to being intimate with him.

 

he needs to work on these issues he has alone ..well not drag you into it.

 

quote: (and bingo) I want him to leave her for himself, if that is what he wants to do. If he is truly as unhappy as he says he is, all I want for him is to solve his problems. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I know that at the points we are both at in our lives, a stable uncomplicated relationship between us would be impossible. I have two-and-a-half years left of school.

 

exactly. sometimes as the writer erica jong said, advise is something we ask when we already know the anwser and wish we didnt.

 

 

also when you said : I loved him before she did, and I feel oddly justified.

 

i think anyone at ANY age can understand this : ) (seriously)

 

 

silly i want to personally say i am sooooo sooooo proud of you for coming on here and seeking help/ advise. for reaching out. so many young people still out there keeping things inside them that hurt or they cant tell their parents or friends..and in the end hurt themselves more by it. i hope others bare that in mind and chill a bit here.

 

i commend you. you did a good thing. you ARE smart. you are human. you are brave. and you look deep down inside you you know the answers.

 

if he wants you he has to earn you. and he has to do the right thing by really talking to his wife and telling her things are over or not right. the real right thing to do however, would be trying everything WITH her first then if it doesnt work move on.

 

for you the thing to do is get even stronger. keep busy...turn to family ties and friends and even God or a higher power...and your studies...and let him work out HIS problems and if youre still there and want him afterwards if he comes to you fine. thats just my opinon;)

 

 

Nope don't get it all. Sounds playground to me.

[Fieldsofgold]

i would like to say that some 19 year olds have been much wiser than me at my age so...

 

though at 19 you might not have had certain life experiences that time gives us, doesnt mean a 19 year old cant have a great head on their shoulders. and i think you do...you just went with the build up of feelings for this guy and did give into the moment. us humans do stuff like that and make mistakes. is it a mistake. yes. because it can hurt you. and the wife etc. and God forbid you get pregnant, etc. and not really knowing him or the wife ..if one of them slept with someone else...could be worse health problems. i know you get the point.

 

but please don't make him the victim. its very true we can marry badly at any age. and maybe or obvioulsy, they shouldn't be together. But what is he working on? dos he try in the marriage? he just cops out after 1 year of marriage? if we all did that in the first year, would that be horrible, the 1st year is the worst. no one would be married. period.

 

hes not being fair to either of you and that's the truth of it. but i am NO one to judge, i know that for a fact.

 

 

but if you were my daughter and friend i would be telling you not to have sex with him again and try not to even get close to being intimate with him.

 

he needs to work on these issues he has alone ..well not drag you into it.

 

quote: (and bingo) I want him to leave her for himself, if that is what he wants to do. If he is truly as unhappy as he says he is, all I want for him is to solve his problems. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I know that at the points we are both at in our lives, a stable uncomplicated relationship between us would be impossible. I have two-and-a-half years left of school.

 

exactly. sometimes as the writer erica jong said, advise is something we ask when we already know the anwser and wish we didnt.

 

 

also when you said : I loved him before she did, and I feel oddly justified.

 

i think anyone at ANY age can understand this : ) (seriously)

 

 

silly i want to personally say i am sooooo sooooo proud of you for coming on here and seeking help/ advise. for reaching out. so many young people still out there keeping things inside them that hurt or they cant tell their parents or friends..and in the end hurt themselves more by it. i hope others bare that in mind and chill a bit here.

 

i commend you. you did a good thing. you ARE smart. you are human. you are brave. and you look deep down inside you you know the answers.

 

if he wants you he has to earn you. and he has to do the right thing by really talking to his wife and telling her things are over or not right. the real right thing to do however, would be trying everything WITH her first then if it doesnt work move on.

 

for you the thing to do is get even stronger. keep busy...turn to family ties and friends and even God or a higher power...and your studies...and let him work out HIS problems and if youre still there and want him afterwards if he comes to you fine. thats just my opinon;)

 

I was doing ok with this post, until I got to the bolded. I sincerely hope I am misunderstanding what this poster is saying.

 

Otherwise, IMHO, it is totally whacked.

 

Every day, people fall in love, then, for whatever reason, one of the people falls out of love and moves on, to eventually find someone else they love.

 

Sooo, are you saying that the person who loved them first, the one who was dumped and left behind, is justified in feeling they have priority, first dibs, so to speak, on the former love who jilted them and chose another? They are justified in feeling they have a right to an affair with someone, just because they knew/loved him/her first???? Even though their lost love chose someone else, instead of them.

 

LOL! I don't think so! That's some twisted logic there.

 

I would also like to point out that the OP here never even had a relationship with this guy prior to his marriage. All she shared with him was just a lot of angry staring and rude childish behavior on his part, and frustration and confusion on her part. Hardly a relationship! She had no relationship with him until after he was married.

 

So you're saying that because she fancied him prior to his marriage, she is entitled to have some right to him?

 

Just remember that, when your SO's old flame comes sniffing around. After all, they loved your SO first. Surely it is understandable that they feel they have some right to your SO!

 

Let me know how that works for you!

 

Please tell me I have misunderstood something here.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Carrot2000]

if he wants you he has to earn you.

 

BINGO! Don't allow your sympathy for his situation lead you to accept less than everything from this man. You're still young enough to chalk this relationship up to experience, but please apply this bit of advice to your relationships with men from here on out. It will spare you a lifetime of heartache later if you start recognizing your worth now.

 

As far as what you should do, go back to school and enjoy college life. Date, go to games, party--do whatever it is you kids do these day--and don't wait around for him. Even though you love him, stop feeling sorry for him--he is in this situation because of his own choices and it's up to him to get himself out of it. If by spring break he's still complaining about his marriage and coming up with excuse after excuse for why he won't leave, you'll have your answer.