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Posted

So since our last attempt at NC things have changed a great deal. Several weeks ago in their 4th MC session he told her he wanted a divorce. Her reaction was not good needless to say which he now realizes was because he didn't do a very good job preparing her.

 

Kids are teenagers and are really upset. Keep in mind nobody knows about me. They have been to 2 family therapy sessions. Some will be with kids some alone because much of the tention in the marriage stems from different parenting ways.

 

He has moved out of the house and is staying with his sister until his lease begins on Feb 1st.

 

I am glad thar he has finally moved forward but wondering how to transition. Nobody on his side knows about the affair besides his sister. Someday it could come out but for now noone else knows. He is with his parents, kids and his siblings for the weekend. We can't talk obviously. That is hard...

Just wondering how to transition...

 

Are most affairs discovered? It's been a year and a half. I know that not confessing is really going to make this a long process...

 

I am glad he has taken action but this has been such a painful experience. I can't be happy or celebrate because I know that this is painful for everyone. They would have divorced eventually anyway but this sped it up.

My divorce just became final 3 weeks ago.

I am so tired.

And I know I'm not in the clear...I know sometimes they go back. Although it was a long and horrible experience, the face that it took him so long was good perhaps... No flip flops...

Posted

Noone needs to know so long as you continue to be hidden. If I were you I would prefer that because you arent hte reason they are splitting up.

 

Hes ending his marriage because he wants to end his marriage. (im assuming)

 

The transition will be hard for him and he will need your support but its not a time to run out in public etc. He will need to break the news gently to his children in the spring that he has met someone and that he is dating.

 

It would also not be unusual for people to try to fix him up if he is recently divorced. How did you meet? You could use that as how you met now in March or April.

 

Keeping up a lie isnt great but your relationship once he is single will be new anyway. It will stand or fall on how it works in his post separation world. So in that respect it is different than the affair.

 

But it would be very difficult i would think and unnecessary to swing right into the limelight immediately after he separates.

 

And yes hold onto your heart you dont know how things will go when he is actually on his own and how he will feel about the decision he has made.

 

Hang in there and have a happy Christmas

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your insight. It is really important that his kids like me because he's very close with them. I do not want anyone to know. His father is a minister, and although he's progressive I still know it will make it awkward.

 

We are thinking that I meet his parents in June then his kids at the end of the summer. So I'm looking at about 6 months of not being out in the open. He is spending more time with me now so that helps. We will get to spend new years weekend together so that is a huge step...

 

We did this all the wrong way...now we will take it slow...

Just have to get through until he comes back tomorrow night...

Posted

I understand the desire not to appear like you have been in the picture the whole time, but why keep it hidden for so long? I met someone a week after leaving my exh. It does happen. Perhaps it doesn't have to happen that quickly but if you want to be come serious, consider moving forward, such as

Moving in together etc, you are now looking at another year just

To keep the image that you're not rushing things...which everyone will think if they think you just met in June.

Posted

Oh but when the kids find out....mud is the least of the things that will be thrown.

Posted (edited)

I lurk but I just have to respond to this as I've read your backstory.

 

Didn't you go to their house and nearly get caught by her, but somehow explained it away that you were a collegue or some such thing?

 

If so, yes she's going to figure it out. Rarely is another woman going to forget the face of someone who has been in her house alone in the company of her husband. That would be filed in the brain for later recall if need be.

 

Besides, what's done in the dark always comes to light eventually. That's the beauty in when wrongdoings are done.

 

Ask yourself how you would feel if you questioned your husband on another woman's presence and then were gaslighted. Then the woman reappears months or a few years later. What you guys did was cruel, but to continue to want to deceive? You really ought to give thought if that's the person you wanted to become, because that's who you'll be.

 

Oh and I don't think a minister will understand adultery. If so, that's beyond progressive, that's no true minister.

Edited by truthbetold
Posted
Thank you for your insight. It is really important that his kids like me because he's very close with them. I do not want anyone to know. His father is a minister, and although he's progressive I still know it will make it awkward.

 

We are thinking that I meet his parents in June then his kids at the end of the summer. So I'm looking at about 6 months of not being out in the open. He is spending more time with me now so that helps. We will get to spend new years weekend together so that is a huge step...

 

We did this all the wrong way...now we will take it slow...

Just have to get through until he comes back tomorrow night...

 

Hi 4321,

 

If you can, try not to be caught up with what the kids think. Depending on how they were raised, there is a good chance that they will either be outwardly rude, or rude behind your back.

 

Kids don't like their parents to break up, and regardless of an A or no A, the kids will be slighted towards trying to get their parents back together.

 

Some situations are different, I didn't try to get my parents back together and there is another poster in which the kids welcomed the change...this to me is rare, as usually the kids are used to play games, the ex is usually demonised and so on.

 

I'm not saying the negative aspect of my post will take place, it is just what I have seen on these boards and in my personal life.

 

Have you two discussed what the game plan will be should the kids take issue?

Posted
I lurk but I just have to respond to this as I've read your backstory.

 

Didn't you go to their house and nearly get caught by her, but somehow explained it away that you were a collegue or some such thing?

 

If so, yes she's going to figure it out. Rarely is another woman going to forget the face of someone who has been in her house alone in the company of her husband. That would be filed in the brain for later recall if need be.

 

Besides, what's done in the dark always comes to light eventually. That's the beauty in when wrongdoings are done.

 

Ask yourself how you would feel if you questioned your husband on another woman's presence and then were gaslighted. Then the woman reappears months or a few years later. What you guys did was cruel, but to continue to want to deceive? You really ought to give thought if that's the person you wanted to become, because that's who you'll be.

 

Oh and I don't think a minister will understand adultery. If so, that's beyond progressive, that's no true minister.

 

Your posting style bares a strong resemblance another poster...BTW Ministers do understand adultry, it is a human happening that is dealt with quite frequently in the church.

Posted
Your posting style bares a strong resemblance another poster...BTW Ministers do understand adultry, it is a human happening that is dealt with quite frequently in the church.

 

What bearing does that have whatsoever in my observation? I don't like the fact some posters would respond without having a true backstory. It's deceitful.

 

Of course ministers can understand it happens. But condone it and a continuing relationship? Not so much.

 

Jesus does embrace the sinner. But he didn't say keep on keepin' on he said go and sin NO MORE. Not continue along your merry way and do what you've been doing. We have a responsibility to help our brothers and sisters on a rightful path, not keep misleading them. My opinion and I'm entitled to it.

 

You want to throw straw men up by deflecting from the truth that's your perogative.

 

IMO it's impossible to build happiness from someone else's pain, that's why these relationships rarely work out. They may leave, it's the aftermath that kills then they find someone else that didn't share in the destruction.

 

Besides, he has teenagers, have any idea how hard 2nd marriages are with blending without adultery? I think the OP will eventually be heartbroken and that's sad.

  • Author
Posted

His father provides marriage counseling so he has dealt with many similar issues. We are trying to "sin no more" which is why this affair could no longer continue. He is ending his marriage. Should he confess? I think that it will only complicate things.

 

His children, he tells me may not b thriled that he has met someone knew but they are polite kids who will warm u to me eventually.

 

I think she will remember me but he doesn't... I would remember for sure. The longer I can avoid her the better.

 

We are determined to make this right as best as we can. This has been so difficult but has only brought us closer together. Next week I am going to find a therapist for us as well.

 

I know the statistics but I also know that it is not just a numbers game. We are both aware of the challenging times that are ahead and we are determined to walk through them hand in hand nice and slow.

Posted

One thing for sure you are going to have to change your perspective if you are going to get throough this with your sanity.

 

He is with them for Christmas. Its only a few days. He has a family he has children he isnt in his own place yet so he is with them. Accept that as a normal part of him being a father who is in the process of separation.

 

You cant put yourself through this every time he is in her company. Dont make a drama out of it. Either you trust his feelings for you and his desire to be with you in the future or you dont. That simple. Otherwise we go back to the electronic ankle bracelet theory of men.

 

 

My situation was different but I was never bothered when he was at home or with family. I used to encourage him to spend time with them and make sure he didnt squirm out of his family committments because he would rather go somewhere with me.

 

If you are going to be part of a blended family that is life. You have to respect the role that his kids play in his life. Sure if you are together he probably wont spend time there he will spend Christmas with you and you will make some sort of arrangement for him to see his children.

 

But you have to be more confident of your feelings for one another. Otherwise its all doomed from the start. Could it backfire? Of course. But dont create a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

And yes people do meet new people right out of the box but be respectful of the childrens feelings. How would your children feel if a week after their dad moved out he said guess what kids? theres this great girl in my office and she has agreed to go out with me - your Dad's still got it and Im sure you will love her.

 

Be patient. And be understanding. Maybe I have it all backwards I dont know.

 

As for her of course she will remember you. If you are really a colleague then at least there is truth in the explanation.

 

Hang in there what is meant to be will be.

 

And I dont want to encourage you to lie to his family but that ship has sailed. And has it has sailed, I think waiting just a short while is respectful. But that is just my opinion others may see it totally differently.

 

I think it is highly unusual for children to welcome e mistress. Highly highly unusual.

Posted

It's huge mistake right now to "make plans" on when you should meet his kids and his family. Anything can happen between now and then..It also depends on HOW those kids, so what if they are teens, handle the divorce, the fallout, the changes, new way of life. By June you meet his kids, and then the rest of his family? Honestly, that sounds quick. Wouldn't it be better for you and him to totally get out of the affair dynamic, slow things down, date and get to know eachother in a proper way, don't live together etc, allow him time and space to get used to all the changes. They have friends, extended family, neighbours, a whole life built that will be grieved, by everyone.

 

Anyway, my real point is, don't make future plans and don't set anything in stone when it comes to his children. He shouldn't force them into meeting you and they shouldn't have to be expected to like you asap. That all has to happen naturally and on their terms, not yours.

  • Author
Posted
One thing for sure you are going to have to change your perspective if you are going to get throough this with your sanity.

 

He is with them for Christmas. Its only a few days. He has a family he has children he isnt in his own place yet so he is with them. Accept that as a normal part of him being a father who is in the process of separation.

 

You cant put yourself through this every time he is in her company. Dont make a drama out of it. Either you trust his feelings for you and his desire to be with you in the future or you dont. That simple. Otherwise we go back to the electronic ankle bracelet theory of men.

 

I know, you are right. I trust his feelings and I am not afraid that he will go back to her. I know its not rational. What did I expect? To be invited away for Christmas weekend with his parents, siblings and neices and nephews?

 

 

My situation was different but I was never bothered when he was at home or with family. I used to encourage him to spend time with them and make sure he didnt squirm out of his family committments because he would rather go somewhere with me.

 

If you are going to be part of a blended family that is life. You have to respect the role that his kids play in his life. Sure if you are together he probably wont spend time there he will spend Christmas with you and you will make some sort of arrangement for him to see his children.

 

But you have to be more confident of your feelings for one another. Otherwise its all doomed from the start. Could it backfire? Of course. But dont create a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

And yes people do meet new people right out of the box but be respectful of the childrens feelings. How would your children feel if a week after their dad moved out he said guess what kids? theres this great girl in my office and she has agreed to go out with me - your Dad's still got it and Im sure you will love her.

 

Be patient. And be understanding. Maybe I have it all backwards I dont know.

 

No you are right. 100%. I needed to hear these things. My feelings are all over the place and I need guidance.

 

As for her of course she will remember you. If you are really a colleague then at least there is truth in the explanation.

 

Nope. Not really a collegue. He's a college professor and I just started working in a Dr.s office after staying home with my kids for 11 years. IDK I hope she wont remember. I spoke with her for about 10-15 minutes so Im sure she will know. Plus he indroduced me by my real name...Yeah...no chance she wont remember me.

 

Hang in there what is meant to be will be.

 

And I dont want to encourage you to lie to his family but that ship has sailed. And has it has sailed, I think waiting just a short while is respectful. But that is just my opinion others may see it totally differently.

 

I would rather wait a bit than make a bigger mess.

 

I think it is highly unusual for children to welcome a mistress. Highly highly unusual.

 

I am hoping they wont figure out that we met before they split up. The longer I can keep away from their mother the better.

 

Thank you. You have given me really wonderful advice. Now we can move forward together but there are still so many difficult things to come. I am well aware of that. I think it will be a least a year until things become somewhat normal.

 

I also have my own children to deal with. My XH has been out for 6 months. We were sleeping in separate rooms a year prior to him moving out. My son has asked if I will ever have a boyfriend because he doesnt want me to be alone. My daughter says if I get a Boyfriend she "outta here!" she laughed but I am sure she will have issues with it. My XH husband barely sees the kids. He moved an hour and a half away and only takes them every other weekend sat-sun. No calls...Did notcall to say happy birthday to our son. He was never really involved with the kids but now its worse. He is very angry with me but seems to be taking it out on them...

  • Author
Posted
It's huge mistake right now to "make plans" on when you should meet his kids and his family. Anything can happen between now and then..It also depends on HOW those kids, so what if they are teens, handle the divorce, the fallout, the changes, new way of life. By June you meet his kids, and then the rest of his family? Honestly, that sounds quick.

 

I think that is a rough date and we will play it by ear. His parents are very worried about him being and living alone. He has a health condition and it is best that he not be all by himself. He thinks they will be happy that he has someone to care for him. Plus they know hes been unhappy for many years...Maybe I;ll meet his parents in June and the kids after teh summer. They go away to their other grandparents house from June-the end of August. so after the summer might be a good time. IDK...

 

Wouldn't it be better for you and him to totally get out of the affair dynamic, slow things down, date and get to know eachother in a proper way, don't live together etc, allow him time and space to get used to all the changes. They have friends, extended family, neighbours, a whole life built that will be grieved, by everyone.

 

They actually do not have ANY friends...Seriously. NONE. They have isolated themselves because they have been so miserable. They moved to the area 4 years ago and have not made any friends. The do not socialize, they do not have any neighbors. He is friendly with collegues but that it all. I on the other hand am very social. He has met many of my friends and was funny and pleasant.

 

Anyway, my real point is, don't make future plans and don't set anything in stone when it comes to his children. He shouldn't force them into meeting you and they shouldn't have to be expected to like you asap. That all has to happen naturally and on their terms, not yours.

Yes I agree :)

 

 

I agree with everything you have said. Thank you. I really need to take a step back and slow it down...

Even just talking with him at night on the phone and having dinner on a weekend has been really great. My mom takes my kids once a week so hes been staying over too. Big improvement from the way things were.

Posted

I know from when my guy moved out till now what I originally thought would happen has been shot to heck!

 

Due to us having a dday and so the stbxw and the kids know about me we have not introduced me to the kids. We are waiting for the divorce to be done before moving to that stage, plus he needs this time with the kids.

 

I have met his family, some of them a few times, and spent Thanksgiving with a few of them. They have not been on close terms with stbxw so it has not put them in a position they felt was a conflict. I do respect other's feelings on it and don't want to cause them grief. That ties into the kids piece as well. We have a lifetime to meet and work through our relationship so there is really no rush.

 

I have had a great deal of time with him, we also lived together for awhile as well. It does become a differently relationship in some ways, in others stays the same. But he is working through a process and he needs to do it on his terms and in his way. You need to establish your needs and boundaries and make sure you stand by them. Compromise when yuo can but don't negate yourself in the process. There are a few relationships that have to go on hold while the one party is divorcing ,working through the transition.

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