Xero8780 Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 So I had been dating this girl for 2.5 years (since freshman year of college through middle of junior year). Our relationships has always been great, I seriously cannot point to one fight or major issue. However, this year some sort of stasis kind of creeped in and I think both of us could sense that the relationships was getting kind of stale. I tried everything I could to try to change this, but I was not sure what to do. So, about a month into junior year she dumped me out of the blue basically citing the fact that it was scary that we had been dating for so long, she didn't like the fact that everybody expected us to get married, wanted to try being independent in college, etc. I basically accepted the decision and did not speak to her for about three days (not b/c I was mad, of course I was sad though, but b/c I wanted to give her space) and she calls me 3 days later saying she is lonely and wants to get back together and I immediately agree. So we get back together, things seem to be fine again, but one month later the same thing happens. I know it wasn't out of the blue for her b/c she must have planned it, but to me it seemed like I was just randomly dumped (we had just come from having a really fun meal....there was no fighting, nothing). Again, she cited that she wanted to be independent, how we had always been "us" ever since college started and she wanted her own identity, the relationship was getting kind of stale, etc. So, while this was tremendously sad, I love her so much and care for her so I gave her space and did not talk to her for a while. We were on good terms, when we had to chat we were very upbeat, etc. It was very weird b/c we had not fought or anything, but the relationship had just ended. Eventually we stop talking completely b/c it was too painful for me to keep speaking to her b/c it would just remind me of her, and she respected this decision. However, just recently (about 5 weeks later) she has begun telling me how much she misses me, etc. basically implying that once again she is lonely. I love her so much still and care about her and, even though she dumped me, I am more sad b/c she is sad than I am for myself...if that makes sense. I feel like there is a chance for a third chance here...but I don't know what to do or if I want it. I still love her the same way I did when she just ended it but I don't know if I could bring myself to starting a relationship again and being in fear that I would just get randomly dumped a 3rd time. I do not know how to handle this situation, I think I need more time to figure out what I want, but I do not want to seem too distant or like I do not care for her anymore.....
Author Xero8780 Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 One more addition. so she has been telling me how much she thinks about me, misses me, etc. and it is basically the exact same way I have been feeling...but I have tried to respond in a neutral manner, should I admit that I am in the same place?
Ajax Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 I don't think enough time has passed to make a legitimate go of it again. There hasn't been enough time for her to have resolved the issues that caused her to dump you. She hasn't had time to be independent and she'll still be scared that people will think you should get married. Just because she's lonely doesn't mean she really is ready to be in a relationship with you again.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 The more you are on again/off again, the easier it gets each time for her to dump you. For whatever reason, she is not in a place to be in a serious relationship with you. This may change, or it may not. For now, you need to let her go- no contact. You are right to be fearful that you get back with her and she dumps you again. This fear will make it difficult for you to move forward with the relationship. I'm sorry to say that you should not consider trying to make this relationship work.
Author Xero8780 Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 Thank you guys for these quick responses, what you are saying rings true. Its just so sad because we didn't break up because of something wrong with the relationship but because basically she wanted to see what life was like being single. It was almost as if because our relationship had been going well it was frightening that if it just kept going the same way then there would never been an impetus for it to end...does that make sense? I just read this post on grass is greener syndrome and I think that 100% this is what happened. Its very painful, but I will always want what is best for her and care for her.
Ajax Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 Thank you guys for these quick responses, what you are saying rings true. Its just so sad because we didn't break up because of something wrong with the relationship but because basically she wanted to see what life was like being single. It was almost as if because our relationship had been going well it was frightening that if it just kept going the same way then there would never been an impetus for it to end...does that make sense? I just read this post on grass is greener syndrome and I think that 100% this is what happened. Its very painful, but I will always want what is best for her and care for her. Check out this one too, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257327/ That's what happened to my ex... and possibly you'll see something familiar too. When you're in a relationship there's a tradeoff... you don't get to be single. If cureosity gets the better of you and you want to see what it's like being single, you have to leave the relationship, and all the benefits that go with it. Someone can't have it both ways, which is what it sounds like she wants. She wants the freedom of being single and the security of being able to have you around when she wants you... and she wants it all on her terms too. When my ex first left me I would have easily pandered to her whims just to have a chance of her back in my life. Fortunately she didn't give me that chance. And while I still love and want to be with her, I understand that it's the choice she made. She decided that her life would be better without me in it, so that's what she has to live with.
Author Xero8780 Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 yup that sounds very familiar. its like the fact that it was too good made it bad and frightening. this forum is great haha, I was pretty stupid to think that my situation was unique.
Author Xero8780 Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 so any advice on what I should do if she starts strongly implying she wants to get back together? Also, we have a lot of mutual friends, how can I maintain no contact without seeming like I am bitter (basically it would mean I would have to decline hanging out with my main group of friends for fear of her being there...).
Ajax Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 I think it's both comforting and at the same time scary to realize just how common it is.
durkadurka Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 As much as I hate to say it.. time has to pass. She might date other people. She might not. But getting back together when the same issues still exist is a fruitless waste of time. Sure it causes heartache, but you will survive. I promise.
Mrlonelyone Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 I would say that you need to have more time pass in order for it to be considered a legitimate second chance. Break contact for some month's make contact with other people. Move on a bit. Then you may or may not have a shot with her latter. If the feelings are there, they are there even after many years.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 so any advice on what I should do if she starts strongly implying she wants to get back together? Also, we have a lot of mutual friends, how can I maintain no contact without seeming like I am bitter (basically it would mean I would have to decline hanging out with my main group of friends for fear of her being there...). I got advise for ya, since you think she is suffering from grass is greener syndrome 1.) If you dont speak to her, she cant imply anything. While you go NC, she will try for a while because she doesnt know deal with the void of being alone. 2.) You wont seem bitter to the friends if you tell them the truth. You tell them she has been trying people out and using you as a safety net. If they defend her after that, you call them out on how they know they are wrong. You have to stand your ground to avoid seeming bitter. 3.) You cant worry about what people think of you, they will think what they want to think, you just have to be righteous and the real friends will stick with you. Theres no third time around for this, because it is madness. You will just keep doing the same thing again. She isnt really attracted to you anymore, she just cant deal with bieng alone when the new guy she goes after doesnt work out. You have to permanently move on from her, and possibly find someone new. The best thing you can do for her is cut her off completely.
Author Xero8780 Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 Yah, I just feel like she really still cares about me...I just know. She has told me that she is confused, that she still has feelings for me, and I am in the same scenario. I just need to figure out what I want I guess but I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to forget about me or get over me or whatever if I decide that I am willing to go after her again soon. I would say yes in a second, but I am just afraid of the stress of having to live fearing that I could be dumped out of the blue again. But is this a reason to potentially give up on somebody who could be the love of my life? Because I am too scared to be dumped again?
TheGrimSweeper Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 (edited) But is this a reason to potentially give up on somebody who could be the love of my life? Because I am too scared to be dumped again? Not necessarily but she has to figure out her life before you can ever seriously get back together and she won't be able to still figure it out if your constantly still around her and talking to her. Otherwise its just going to keep happening over and over again. I am in the exact same boat as you, been dumped by the same girl twice first time because she felt she wasn't ready for all this (her mom was just diagnosed with MS shortly before), second time was cause her parents were separating and she slowly kept pushing me away while this happened becoming depressed and stating she just needed some time to get over this. Whether its BS or not who knows but she has some deep rooted fears stemming from her childhood thinking all relationships are doomed to fail (her parents almost divorced when she was 5). Shes currently in therapy for it so i could only guess as to what will happen. Each time she ended it shes told me how much she loves me and will always love me, and thinks shes making the biggest mistake of her life. I can only guess what will happen, but if she comes back again there's no fooling around this time. she needs to be 100% sure, i took her back to easily last time. So as hard as it is, you just need to let her go completely for now and move on with your life. Edited December 26, 2010 by TheGrimSweeper
durkadurka Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Yah, I just feel like she really still cares about me...I just know. She has told me that she is confused, that she still has feelings for me, and I am in the same scenario. I just need to figure out what I want I guess but I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to forget about me or get over me or whatever if I decide that I am willing to go after her again soon. I would say yes in a second, but I am just afraid of the stress of having to live fearing that I could be dumped out of the blue again. But is this a reason to potentially give up on somebody who could be the love of my life? Because I am too scared to be dumped again? I think that when someone is confused, it's them comparing you to what is currently available to them. The best thing to do is back off. If she doesn't approach you and meet you half way, you will be getting back to an unequal relationship, which will implode soon after you guys get back together. At a certain point you have to learn to not mortgage your dignity, no one is worth it, no matter how much you love them. You need to establish your own stablity so that if something goes awry you will be okay on your own. My ex moved down to save her family in St. Louis, and I couldn't quit my job and go to school down there (I'm from Canada) where tuition is roughly 4x more, unless I could be assured she was going to stay there. She couldn't or wouldn't commit to me, she gave me tons of mixed signals, and I aborted. It's a risk you have to take. If they really love you, when they straighten themselves out, they will talk to you about it. But why fight a massive uphill battle the other person isn't sure that they want?
Eddie Edirol Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 But is this a reason to potentially give up on somebody who could be the love of my life? Because I am too scared to be dumped again? YES!!! Shes not the love of your life. If she was, she would say it, and she would know it and own it. She wouldnt be confused. Shes not confused. Its just what she says to keep you on the hook. What she might be confused about is whether she wants to put you through another dumping, because thats what she will do when the next guy comes along.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Some tough love here...... look at what these women have said and done to you. How can you possibly think they are the 'love of your life'. A REAL 'love of your life' would not keep dumping you, tell you they are confused, cheat, etc.. I have been through this too, and I have to say- if a woman like that is the love of your life then it is we would need to truly examine ourselves. What I'm saying doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts and that you will need to grieve. Give yourself permission to feel the pain. BUT-- once they go, leave them alone. Go no contact right away which will help you heal faster. This is a fact, and some kind of law of nature. It really works, trust me. When my ex left 5 months ago, I pretended she was dead- it's the best thing you can do.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Oh yeah, and P.S.-- you SHOULD be affraid of being dumped again, because you most definitely WILL!! That fear is going to screw with you head/heart which in turn will screw with your whole relationship too. You put that on top of her issues and you are looking at a time bomb. Why go through this again. Dude, leave her alone and move on.
Author Xero8780 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Should I wish her a Happy new years? I miss her and feel that it would be mean not to, we ended on good terms, I would just come off as bitter if I didn't, right? I wished her a merry christmas and she said it made her happier than anything else and thats what led to her saying how much she missed me.... I don't know what to do, please help.
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