Why can't I accept it's over??

[Zella]

Hello all,

 

this is my first time being so incredibly heartbroken. Until now I was just lucky I guess. So when I found this website,

it made me feel better to read that others went through the same thing and were happy again eventually.

 

I was with him for four years and we were engaged. He was so influenced by his parents that he did not want to propose without them...

They would decide when and where we should get married, where we should live, etc. It came to a point where I wanted to do the

opposite just so they would not dictate my life. He did not have any problems listening to them since he believed they knew everything best.

I told him they were getting too involved but he just brushed it off. We would have long conversations and eventually get to a decision...

And the next day he would change his mind and say he never agreed and it was just my decision.

 

So then, a month before the actual wedding, he tells me we are not right for each other. He realized I never wanted to marry him since

I always came up with excuses... If I really wanted to marry him, nothing else would have mattered... He wants me to be happy...

And he wants the ring back... He needs time for himself and doesn't want to date anyone...

 

I gave the ring back, and I believed he wanted to be alone and think. He could not understand that the big issue was his parents.

If he would have stood up just once and stuck to a decision we made together, and if he would have told his parents to back up and leave us be,

I would have married him in a heartbeat. My gut was just telling me things would not change. His parents would always get

involved in everything and he would allow it. It would only make us fight more. But I was willing to let them win and

decided I didn't want to lose this person because I love him more than he will ever know.

I accepted it all and decided to get married next month (would have been hadn't he broken up). I stooped to the lowest level

I have ever been, lost my pride, and was going to do anything to stay together.

 

When he broke up with me, I begged (of course the worst thing I could do) but I needed to be sure that I gave it my all.

We tried being friends, but that made me only feel way worse. It felt like the break up was happening every single day all over again.

So I told him I could not be friends with him and all he answered was "ok". That was a stab in my heart.

I wish he would have physically beaten me up instead of saying ok.

 

Well, a couple of weeks later, I found out he started dating someone else!!! Yes, after he promised me he wanted to be

alone and not date anyone for a long time. No wonder he never contacted me after the break up. He never suffered for it.

While I was crying at home and wondering if he will realize he misses me, he was enjoying time with his new girlfriend.

He probably knew her before the break up too.

 

It is an absolute horrible feeling to be betrayed by someone I gave everything to. Someone I trusted so much.

I shared everything with him. I am so scared I will never get over this. I do know that I need to work on myself, and

getting my confidence back, but how?

 

Why do I keep hoping he will realize he made a mistake and that I loved him and wanted to marry him

(and I know he loved me very much. You just cannot hide it for four years).

 

Please someone tell me how I can finally accept that this relationship is done, and there is no going back.

I think once I accept it, working on getting over him should be easier hopefully.

By the way, I am doing my best with NC. So far, I've been good.

 

Thanks for reading, and any help is appreciated.

[DSM2709]

Hey Zella,

 

So sorry to hear about your heartbreak. I don't think there is any person out there that can explain why people do what they do. I've come to the conclusion that people just plain "Suck". However, not ALL people, just those that bring us to the highest point of happiness in our lives, and then in an instant can bring it all down to a crashing halt leaving us in a state of confusion, despair and misery. We are left with sitting down wondering "What if....", hell, I've been doing it since June when my ex broke up with me. Why do we blame ourselves for what happened (Not saying your blaming yourself). Four years is a long time between you two, and just like that it's over, just doesn't seem fair. I understand your pain, and I'm sure you would have done anything to make it work, but it takes two to tango. Now you can have a fresh start and begin a new life for yourself without him. He obviously lied to you, so would you really want to be with someone who lies? I wouldn't.

 

I tell myself everyday that I did nothing wrong except maybe stand up for myself during my relationship, but it was my ex who was the problem NOT ME!! It will take some time for the wounds to heal, but they will heal.

 

Good luck to you!!

[blover]

Zella, i feel for you. Atleast your ex starting dating in 2 weeks. mine slept with someone within a week and i realized she was talking/chatting/dancing with him while we were together in exclusive limbo. she even had him over at night the day before we broke up (ofcourse i found out)...you can read my thread. So you can imagine the amount of betrayal that i feel...what can we do? I cant hate her...i love her too much..but i can change myself..become a better person...its her loss not mine..i know that..she should have been absolutely devoted to me considering the amount of love/help/care and everything i gave her...

i hope i will find love again...and hope you do too.

[blover]

and no i still cant fully accept its over. its been 2 weeks now..but still...

[Zella]

Thank you very much for your reply. Although I know there were tons of reasons why this relationship would not work in the long run,

it kills me to picture him with another girl. Being alone during the holidays while knowing he's with her just makes me want to die.

 

Reading that you are going through a break up as well, I want to tell you one positive thing about being the dumpee: The break up

happens to you and all you have to do is deal with it. Once you are over it, you are okay. The dumper may eventually feel regret and

regret is something that they may never get over. (I know this sounds a little 'stupid' but I'm thinking of anything that may make me feel better)

[LifeIsGreat]

I have always found it easier to be the dumpee too. Whenever I have been the dumper, I usually wonder if I dumped too quickly and if I made a mistake. Being the dumpee means you simply have to live with another persons decision (but do so without playing the victim please).

[Graceful]

Hi Zella,

 

First, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You were engaged to be married and ready to start a new life and had all of your hopes and dreams on the line for this man. You are grieving so much more than just the loss of the man himself, but again, your dreams went up in smoke, your vision for a future, your plans, everything. It's a very complicated ball of wax, so greive you must.

 

Then it gets even more tangled up b/c he seems to have moved on without missing a beat. I also had that unfortunate experience myself (my ex could not be alone for 5 minutes, I mean that literally) and you feel the betrayal and confusion of wondering how someone could have been engaged to you, then ask for the ring back, then begin dating as though this were a high school r/l and he's just some immature kid who was never in it for the long haul in the first place. I cannot tell you the number of posts I have read where this has happened, the person who moves on like nothing is bothering them, like they just put you down a chute and forgot all about you! We'll never know what is going on inside their heads, if they feel bad, if they are resolved, if they are dating to assuage the guilt, if they are dating to "move on" b/c they don't dwell on the past ... we just don't know.

 

At some point, you're better off just dealing with your pain and heartache and try not to think about his motivations. We already know he is a puppet that his parents pull the strings on, and that is quite sad and pathetic in itself. I am sure you are right, all he had to do is stand up to them even ONCE, and maybe they all would have learned a lesson. I cannot imagine what a hold his parents have on him, and wonder if there is some cultural issues there that he cannot talk back to them, or ask them to back off.

 

You know you dodged a bullet, even though the sitch is killing you inside right now. You would have taken a back seat to his family for your lifetime, including probably even telling you how to raise your kids, or where you should live, where your kids should go to school, etc. It's almost mind boggling to think about, isn't it? To feel like you were willing to be so controlled just b/c you loved this man? This seems to be the ultimate meaning of "when you marry someone, you marry their family" !!!

 

No one can live like that. You know that. At some point, your heart will catch up with your head. Any man that can allow his parents to run his life, any man that takes a mere week before dating and to "heal" from the break up of a 4-year r/l where he was engaged and broke off the wedding suddenly and painfully, has issues up the wazoo. That doesn't help your heart right now, I know, but in due time, you will feel such a sense of relief knowing you did not make what would have been the biggest mistake of your life in marrying him.

 

Be clear that you need to be an equal partner in a r/l. We all make compromises, we all "give in" when it is appropriate, we all need to remember not to sweat the small stuff, but for the big issues in life, you need an equal partner, not someone who will make an end run around you to ask his parents' advice, ignore you, and get back to you with a decision that you never agreed to. So stand strong. Be true to yourself. Don't ever get involved with someone that makes you feel like you have to submerge your opinions and feelings and that your input to decisions are moot or ignored.

 

Wishing you all the best. Hope this site helps you heal and recover. You're going to be ok. Take care. Love, Grace

[9Lives]

Sounds like to me this is for the best..YOUR Best! Unless you want to be second to his mammie.

 

I do know the pain of knowing your ex is with someone else. It stings like hell and no one can fully understand how that really feels. It terrible terrible terrible.

 

Just take the time to focus on you as best as you can. I purchased a ring that says "this too shall pass". I wear it on my pointing finger and when I feel those overwhelming feelings I rub on it and it really calms me and reminds me that it wont be this way forever. That give me comfort.

 

But yeah, you want a companion that is going to allow you and him to run your relationship, not his momma!

[Zella]

Grace, your post really made me feel better. Thank you for that. The fact that others believe I dodged a bullet makes me believe it more. You are right about everything. Grieving is a must. I thought I was doing well until I found out about "her" two days ago. So it is very fresh still. But posts like yours make me keep going. I have considered his parents being involved in every aspect of my life, but I thought once we would be married, things could change. Sort of like I would have more power then. Although it hurts like nothing has every hurt before, I feel like the person I was with has died. I never realized he was such a momma's boy until things got more serious between us.

I am so glad I saw the person he is now before I got married. Knowing that he is able to drop me like a piece of garbage, and move on so easily, makes me KNOW that he would be capable of doing the same thing five or ten years into a marriage. It would be a lot worse if I had children with this man and had to go through a divorce, watching him with someone else. Somehow, I feel sorry for the new girl, because now I know his true colors. But who knows, she may be just like him and a perfect match. I know all of that, but a break up is a break up and it still hurts.

 

9Lives, you are another person with the same thoughts, and I appreciate your post. I am considering your ring idea, but I don't think I can even look at any rings right now. It reminds me of how rudely he asked for it. I was going to return it to him when I was ready, and by law (a friend told me), I was actually entitled to it (although I asked a friend to put it away so I don't look at it). A week after NC (and that girl was probably already in the picture) he TEXTS me asking when he can stop by to pick it up!! And I expected a "hey how are you doing?" At that point I thought things would just be harder on me the longer I kept it. And he would probably have no problem taking me to court for it. That would just bring more hate between us, and I didn't want that. I wanted to eventually have the possibility of being civil with him, and I don't know why. Maybe because I still have feelings for him. Oh yeah, and the break up was also over text message!!

I always see the good in people. Rarely have I met people that I just thought were evil. And for some reason it was hard for me to see the good in his parents. He, on the other hand, I believed to be different. I felt sorry for him being stuck with parents like that. So the hardest thing for me right now is comprehending everything he did to me. Also, everything bad he ever said to me, I always knew was coming from his parents. But it was wrong from me to always blame them. He was the one that did all of this.

Ok, I will stop rambling on about this because I'm just going in circles and it is never ending.

I am so thankful for all the people here. You have no idea how helpful it is to let it all out and have others approve you are not going crazy.

[ginastar]

hey, just wanted to say I feel like I went through a similiar situation, although I wasnt engaged. I was with a guy for 7 years and after a break up, which i thought would lead to us just gettin back together, he was with another girl and is still to this day. I felt the same way you did though. and its been months and I still feel the pain when I think about it.

[9Lives]

9Lives, you are another person with the same thoughts, and I appreciate your post. I am considering your ring idea, but I don't think I can even look at any rings right now. It reminds me of how rudely he asked for it. I was going to return it to him when I was ready, and by law (a friend told me), I was actually entitled to it (although I asked a friend to put it away so I don't look at it). A week after NC (and that girl was probably already in the picture) he TEXTS me asking when he can stop by to pick it up!! And I expected a "hey how are you doing?" At that point I thought things would just be harder on me the longer I kept it. And he would probably have no problem taking me to court for it. That would just bring more hate between us, and I didn't want that. I wanted to eventually have the possibility of being civil with him, and I don't know why. Maybe because I still have feelings for him. Oh yeah, and the break up was also over text message!!

 

it was all about him. I did the same thing by giving him stuff I should have kept to keep the peace or remain civil. I dont know if I did the right thing. He deserved nothing from me but a slap in the face!

 

 

I always see the good in people. Rarely have I met people that I just thought were evil. And for some reason it was hard for me to see the good in his parents. He, on the other hand, I believed to be different. I felt sorry for him being stuck with parents like that. So the hardest thing for me right now is comprehending everything he did to me. Also, everything bad he ever said to me, I always knew was coming from his parents. But it was wrong from me to always blame them. He was the one that did all of this.

Ok, I will stop rambling on about this because I'm just going in circles and it is never ending.

I am so thankful for all the people here. You have no idea how helpful it is to let it all out and have others approve you are not going crazy.

 

Trust yourself period. That is the best investment. YOU. You are going to be together for ever. I dont see the worst in people but I believe people are going to let you down. The ones you least expect.

 

well Im glad I could help you. Let the next girl deal with the dump stuff. You are free to find a good man