beyondhope Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 So, I've been posting for a while about this guy. We met online in September, having been talking online very regularly and went on our first date in early November. I declined a second date, but then asked him out a few weeks later. The third date happened last week, then a fourth two days after (we live about an hour apart, so schedules were tricky during the semester). All the dates were amazing, and lasted 5-6 hours. After each date, he would send me a message the next morning thanking me for a good time, and we would continue our conversation by email until we saw each other again, so we never were out of contact for more than a few days. The fourth one was one of the best days I've had in a while. Since I was getting ready to leave for three weeks over the holidays, I decided to ask him over for dinner to say goodbye. I decided before he came over that I wanted to sleep with him that night if things went well (we hadn't kissed or hugged previously), because I was attracted to him and also because, in general, I wanted sex. I haven't slept with anyone in over a year, as I've been trying to figure things out for myself, and it felt like good timing for me. So, he came over, we talked a lot, and I asked him if I could come back to his place. He said yes, definitely, and so we did. Throughout the night and the next morning he kept telling me I was "exquisite" and that he'd like me since our first meeting. He kept holding my hand and staring at me and smiling, things that men who've just wanted a one night stand with me haven't done. The next day we woke up late and went to breakfast; he paid. He invited me to meet the dog he's been house sitting, and took me to the house. There, we kissed once but otherwise there was no physical contact after leaving his apartment. There was no mention of the night before. He then invited me to his office, where we didn't speak much (he checked his email and chatted with friend while I used a computer for work). Finally, late in the afternoon I told him I was ready to go and he said he'd show me the bus stop. We walked out to the street, and he very abruptly said, "the bus stops down at the corner". Then his bus showed up and he gave me a very quick, loose hug and said "have a good trip" and walked off. I felt really bad about how it ended. A few minutes later I got a text from him that his bus would've dropped me off at the corner (he said, "I'm dumb" and apologized for giving the wrong directions). Still feeling awful, about an hour later, I called him and told him the person I was staying with was having a loud party that night (true) and asked if I could crash at his place. he seemed unenthusiastic, but said, "sure". I got several texts from him over the next few hours telling me he was busy and I should arrive later...at seven, then seven thirty...the last text said it would be around 8 but he never texted again. Finally, at 9 pm I called him and said I'd found another place to stay (I just got a hotel). He said, "uh, okay" and I told him I hoped we could see each other when I returned to town. He said, "I hope so too". I got a text from him the next morning (two days ago) as I was driving that said, "happy trails!". And that's the last I've heard from him. I REALLY like this guy. We have an uncanny amount in common, we get a long great and had I not spent the day with him after sex I would have believed he was really into me. My friends say he was just grumpy (as was I, we didn't get a lot of sleep) and that he hasn't called or messaged me because he wants to give me space, and because I'm going to be gone for three weeks, he wants to pace things. I am beginning to think it's really that he just wanted sex, and got it, and I'm never going to hear from him again. I've decided to wait a few days, then send him an email about my trip and see if he responds, but I'm expecting the worst. He doesn't exactly seem like a guy who was just in it for the sex, but since I don't know any of his friends this was really a "no strings attached" deal for him, and it would be so easy to walk away. Did I mess up royally by sleeping with him? I'd like to think it's okay for two adults to have sex and not have it ruin everything!
runner Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 you're fine. you're overthinking it and i think you'll be fine.
TaurusTerp Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 You think he spent 3 months and 24 hours of total time to hump and dump you? Either you're just being paranoid or there's more you're not telling.
Author beyondhope Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 (edited) We've just never talked about relationships. He's mentioned ex-girlfriends, as though they're still in touch and on good terms, which makes me think he does do long-term relationships, but I did meet him on a dating site, and he did say he goes to parties, which makes me think maybe he brings girls home a lot? He's really attractive. I guess I'm paranoid about smart, attractive men living in big cities where there's plenty of girls to choose from. Also, from past experience, I believe that men lose interest as soon as they don't have to chase you anymore. Now that we've had sex, there's no mystery left about whether or not I like him (he likely thought I was once the fence before since I declined a second date initially). Now that he knows, he's "conquered" me and can move on, right? Also, what the heck happened with us saying goodbye? It was so short and terse. That's what caught me off guard the most. Edited December 25, 2010 by beyondhope
runner Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 assuming he enjoys your company and that he had a good time sleeping with you, i'd say he'd be interested in seeing you again. when it happens. throw your great expectations out the window and live in the moment. as for the goodbye thing- perhaps he's just not very emotive; i know of guys who are that way. and if he isn't making the effort to reasure you, or make you feel safe, then perhaps you should decide if this guy is even right for you to begin with.
musemaj11 Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 Women and clinginess after sex ,,, Men know that women get attached after sex and it really turns them off. Serious relationships that arose out of early sex usually happened because the women expected nothing more. I wanted to say you should have held out longer but after you said it had been over a year, I understand why you couldnt wait. Hopefully with the next guy you will be able to hold out longer. Women need to understand that most men (in America specifically speaking) are still sexually traditional and judgmental. Women who jump into sex too early scream "Im a slut!" in their minds.
Author beyondhope Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 Honestly, I hope this last post doesn't represent the majority. He's a progressive, liberally-minded guy and I would hope he's respectful enough not to think of me as a slut... It's not that I wasn't able to "hold out" longer; the timing just felt right for me. I happen to find it weird how men react to sex by distancing themselves. I've never understood it.
krz12 Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 (edited) So, he came over, we talked a lot, and I asked him if I could come back to his place. He said yes, definitely, and so we did. Throughout the night and the next morning he kept telling me I was "exquisite" and that he'd like me since our first meeting. He kept holding my hand and staring at me and smiling, things that men who've just wanted a one night stand with me haven't done. The next day we woke up late and went to breakfast; he paid. He invited me to meet the dog he's been house sitting, and took me to the house. There, we kissed once but otherwise there was no physical contact after leaving his apartment. There was no mention of the night before. He then invited me to his office, where we didn't speak much (he checked his email and chatted with friend while I used a computer for work). Finally, late in the afternoon I told him I was ready to go and he said he'd show me the bus stop. We walked out to the street, and he very abruptly said, "the bus stops down at the corner". Then his bus showed up and he gave me a very quick, loose hug and said "have a good trip" and walked off. I felt really bad about how it ended. A few minutes later I got a text from him that his bus would've dropped me off at the corner (he said, "I'm dumb" and apologized for giving the wrong directions). Still feeling awful, about an hour later, I called him and told him the person I was staying with was having a loud party that night (true) and asked if I could crash at his place. he seemed unenthusiastic, but said, "sure". I got several texts from him over the next few hours telling me he was busy and I should arrive later...at seven, then seven thirty...the last text said it would be around 8 but he never texted again. Finally, at 9 pm I called him and said I'd found another place to stay (I just got a hotel). He said, "uh, okay" and I told him I hoped we could see each other when I returned to town. He said, "I hope so too". So wait, he drove an hour to your place, then you both drove an hour back to his place, and your plan to get back home was the bus? It seems to me like he kind of felt imposed upon when you invited yourself to crash at his place because of a loud party. This after sort of overstaying your welcome by sitting in his office until late afternoon. Edited December 25, 2010 by krz12
Author beyondhope Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 I totally agree, it felt like I'd overstayed my welcome; he kept inviting me to do more things and I kept agreeing just because I had no other plans that day, so I was like, 'sure, why not'. I didn't expect us to be at the office so long. When we were there, I got the impression he was going to check his mail, quickly, and then we'd go elsewhere. Frankly I thought until then he was hoping I'd spend another night. Then it ended abruptly and I realized I should have said goodbye sooner. It felt really weird--looking back, it's possible at the office he got an invitation to do something else that night and decided our date needed to end.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 I totally agree, it felt like I'd overstayed my welcome; he kept inviting me to do more things and I kept agreeing just because I had no other plans that day, so I was like, 'sure, why not'. I didn't expect us to be at the office so long. When we were there, I got the impression he was going to check his mail, quickly, and then we'd go elsewhere. Frankly I thought until then he was hoping I'd spend another night. Then it ended abruptly and I realized I should have said goodbye sooner. It felt really weird--looking back, it's possible at the office he got an invitation to do something else that night and decided our date needed to end. I won't cross this out. Something sounds really fishy here, and it's really stinking things up. Has he ever said he multidates? I've had a male friend who has done this multiple times, then stretch out the time he would come pick me up, only to turn off his phone and cancel on me at the last second. ( Also this is a friend who has had a crush on me). It's not so much you being clingy as why has his enthusiasm to seeing you lessened so much in half a day.
Author beyondhope Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 Yeah, I find this weird too, but at the same time it may have just been an invitation to hang out with friends. If my friends had invited me to hang out, and I'd just spent an exhausting 20 hours with one person, I'd probably do the same. I just wouldn't have acted quite as cold about it.
Author beyondhope Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 I have begun to think about killing myself. Not over this in particular, just because this always happens. I don't have sex for long periods of time because I don't want men to disrespect me, then I have sex with them and never hear from them again or they say mean and disparaging things. I'm tired of this cycle, among other things in my life. I've never felt valued by anyone.
fishtaco Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 I have begun to think about killing myself. Not over this in particular, just because this always happens. I don't have sex for long periods of time because I don't want men to disrespect me, then I have sex with them and never hear from them again or they say mean and disparaging things. I'm tired of this cycle, among other things in my life. I've never felt valued by anyone. Suicide is not a normal reaction. If you're thinking that, then this is bigger than "dating issues". I would implore you to at least call the suicide hotline. They have people that you can talk to that will be able to help you.
Jynxx Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 Don't kill yourself. From your post itt I reed you have the ability to make a connection with people you like, and it happened a couple of times they then broke that. You have the ability to make a connection with people you like on an emotional level. You'd be surprised how many people would give their right arm for that.
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