poetry about my fwb

[my body is a cage]

Hi. So idk if this is the right forum for this but I was thinking about the way my fwb is so inconsistent, and how there is a natural beauty in his inconsistency. I decided to write poetry about it. What do you guys think of this?

 

The accelerators of your BMW 94,

Volatile, like you

Like you, had decided to oblige.

 

As I lean into your chest and inhale

Musk and cigarettes,

Both of our heartbeats quicken.

 

Profound sorrow and solitude,

Flow from your guitar,

Like blood flowing from a wound.

 

Your fingers play chords softly,

As you gently grasp my hand.

 

You kiss my neck;

I bite yours.

 

In my bed one dawn,,

Squeezing me tightly;

An innocent, beautiful gypsy boy.

 

Never heard from you again.

[refurb]

This guy doesn't sound like a FWB, he sounds like a guy who you're sleeping with who you're trying to start a relationship with.

 

RF

[creighton0123]

Logistically, it doesn't flow. 14 syllables on the first line jams quite a bit of unnecessary context in the first stanza.

 

Your choice of words like "quicken", "wound", "tightly", and "softly" are weak.

 

"Your fingers play chords softly,

As you gently grasp my hand."

 

Makes little sense in the feasibility department, since one cannot do both at the same time unless he is grasping your hand with his foot (or playing the guitar with his foot, which would be more interesting).

 

You then conclude with the following:

 

"In my bed one dawn,,

Squeezing me tightly;

An innocent, beautiful gypsy boy.

 

Never heard from you again."

 

Nothing leading up to the last line of the second to last stanza places any weight on "gypsy boy". Do you nickname him "gypsy boy" because of a legitimate cultural background (Roma?), physical appearance, stereotypical gypsy behavior (theft, perhaps of love, taste for music and culture, the type of music he played, etc. etc.)

 

Also, the last line was a stab at something that was unexpected given the tone of the poem. None of the emotions dictated earlier really shed light on the hypothetical pain you were experiencing at his loss.

 

You should plot out the transition of your emotion from the beginning to end, from meeting to losing, and bind it into a structural poem. I've always favored the double etheree. Perhaps there is enough emotional material to merit a sestina.