northern_sky Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 With the year drawing to a close, I am doing a lot of self reflecting. In a way this thread is similar to OG's. Reading hers made me realize I have the same problem, and it is something I would like to change in the new year. My story is similar to hers. It used to be the case that I was extremely shy, and would never even think to put the moves on a guy. Remembering my early college days (17-19) this is how I was. I had a number of male friends that I would hang out with, but even when it was one-on-one we would only hang out in lounges around campus. I would never even think to invite them up to my room, or try to move things in that direction. For the most part I wasn't attracted to these guys, so that didn't matter. In fact I was so naive that it never even occurred to me that despite the massive amounts of alone time together they might like me as more than a friend. I remember there was one guy like this, D, who I was very good friends with as a freshman and sophomore. We used to while away long nights in lounges, talking for hours about our dreams for the future, our life philosophies, etc. We'd take long drives into the barren midwest landscape at night, with no destination in mind, just talking. And yet, in all this time, I never felt insecure about whether D liked me as more than a friend. In fact, the thought never even crossed my mind that he might. A year later, when my first boyfriend suggested the idea that D might like me, I thought he was nuts. Then of course D sent me a heartfelt email confessing his long term crush on me, telling me he thought I was beautiful and had been pining over me for years. I can't imagine now being as carefree as I was around D at that time. Even though I'm not attracted to him, I know I would still obsess and not feel comfortable unless I knew for certain he liked me. With my first boyfriend when I was 19, it took him 7-8 ambiguous dates/hang outs to even touch me. I never made a pass at him. I didn't obsess then like I did now. Now if I have a first date, I get nervous if it doesn't end with the guy kissing me or inviting me back to his place. I try to engineer situations where we are in private so he can make a pass at me. Sometimes I even get antsy, and make the first move. Where did this insecurity come from where it wasn't there before? I think when I was younger, part of what held me back was being afraid of getting physical because my lack of experience would be apparent. But I don't think it's just that. I have lost my innocence. Guys also seem to value me less than they once did. The worst case of it was that guy I very briefly dated from OKCupid in the early fall. I still cringe when I think about that and what a dck he was to me. I can't believe I let someone use me like he did on our last "date." The odd thing is I've become slightly more picky about who I date, but the guys whom I'm involved with treat me with less respect. Pickier in that I no longer date guys I'm not attracted to because I feel like I need to be with someone -- I used to basically have zero standards whatsoever which led to a bunch of bad relationships. I also try to look for guys who have more in common with me in terms of interests and life goals. I guess at this point I feel like a guy will immediately lose interest in me unless I put out fast. Any advice on how to overcome these problems? Btw, if you have any hateful or insulting comments, please be respectful and keep them to yourself. I know it is hard for a few of you to practice self-restraint when it comes to decency, but maybe you can just try for a few days given the time of year. Happy holidays, everyone.
OceanGirl Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I just saw this thread now... Wow it's so similar to what I am going through. I also used to date guys that I am not attracted to in the past. And I mean date them solidly for 6 months or so, all the while cringing and trying to avoid doing anything physical with them or keeping it to the bare minimum. I used to think that I can't do any better anyway, so might as well. Things are very different now, but perhaps not in a good way. I don't go on more than 2 dates with guys I am not attracted to (usually not more than 1 date). I seem to be pulled by my sexual attractions to the unsuitable guys. Either they are emotionally unavailable, have a questionable lifestyle, are not fully into me or have other reasons that make them not a viable LTR candidates. I completely lose all my self respect in trying to chase them and make them fall for me. They are usually open to seeing me but it's evident that I feel more strongly. I try to guess what they want me to be and then attempt to become that person I am also doing a lot of self-reflecting at the moment. I am staying at my parent's house and there is not much to do around here.
zengirl Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 The odd thing is I've become slightly more picky about who I date, but the guys whom I'm involved with treat me with less respect. Pickier in that I no longer date guys I'm not attracted to because I feel like I need to be with someone -- I used to basically have zero standards whatsoever which led to a bunch of bad relationships. I also try to look for guys who have more in common with me in terms of interests and life goals. I guess at this point I feel like a guy will immediately lose interest in me unless I put out fast. I think it's a good policy to date only men you are attracted to. Within reason. I mean, it shouldn't have to be this insane ridiculous pull. . . but if you don't think they're cute, interesting, etc, and you cannot imagine wanting to kiss them or be affectionate with them, it's a good policy not to date them. So I don't think you went wrong there. No good guy will lose interest in you if you don't put out fast, so long as he feels like you're building something together, you're attracted to him, he likes you, and you meet his goals. No good guy will stick around long just because you put out fast. Some guys who want FWB relationships might, though they won't emotionally invest (just stick around for some easy sex, because they like sex and are lazy), but guys who want serious relationships aren't going to be more drawn for one with you because of sex. (I know some say they'll be less drawn, and I think that may depend on the guy, but I know lots of couples that had sex early and still worked out; however, those people also had lots of sex with people early that didn't work out, mainly because early on, you just don't know enough to guess if it'll work out.) Decide what you want and be willing to wait for it. Make yourself into the best person you can be. Do you really think you are the best person you can be right now? Are you happy with yourself and your own life? Are you capable of giving an awesome guy what he really deserves? Lately, I've generally found what it was I decided I wanted. I wait for it, but it never takes long. When I was younger, relationships were much harder for me -- because I honestly wasn't done working on me, and because I didn't know what I wanted and how important it was to wait for just that (I'm not saying nitpicky things, like "He has to be blond and drive a red car and play the trombone" or something silly, but values that are seriously important to you in a LTR partner). I also wasn't capable of loving freely yet. Now, I keep my standards high, but once a guy meets them, I give steadily until we get to the point where we are partners and I give pretty freely. I mean, a boyfriend still isn't a husband, so there are some boundaries, but I think the way I love now is much less selfish, and it has done me a lot of good. But that only works if you keep your standards high, or else people will take advantage of you. Just some thoughts. I think dating is much more of an internal thing than people treat it. Everyone wants to make shallow changes and work on external things, but a lot of it just comes from how together the inside is. Which sucks, because when the inside is not together, all you want is an external force---such as a great boyfriend---to help you get it together. But I've never seen that happen for anyone, really. It seems like everyone I know has met their great boyfriends or husbands or girlfriends or wives when they finally got their own **** together. And I don't mean that as an attack on you---it's what we all have to do and struggle with every day.
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