maxwax Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Hello everybody I was hoping that by talking to people on this forum that I would get a little light shed on a problem I’m currently having. So here goes! I’ve been going out with this girl for 3 years and I’ve recently started to question the relationship. This has happened because I went on holiday to Japan a couple of weeks ago and I had a good time to clear my head which was definitely needed since I work a lot and stress becomes a major factor in my life. While on my way back home I decided I want a new start in life with my girl, even in Japan if possible! So when I got back home I sat down and talked to my gf about the future and what our plans are, which is a conversation we have quite recently and we both started to discuss marriage, which is where the problem arrives. She said that it’s where she wants to end up but she’s not sure. I asked why and she told me that being physically attracted to her partner is a big deal to her especially if she wants to get married and she said she doesn’t always feel attracted to me it kind of comes and goes. So she’s worried and so am I. I told her that I felt bad because I came back from Japan wanting to take things further and she hit me with this. To which she replied that she wishes she didn’t feel like this and she cant imagine being with anyone else in her life apart from me. I accepted it but I still feel bad and its made me think about a lot of stuff in our relationship and now im frankly thinking is it going to work out? And if not I want out now so I can move on with my life. Certain details make me wonder if she does actually want to be with me. I know its an odd thing to say but in the first year of our relationship she always let me know that she doesn’t feel it will work out due to our cultural differences (im a British and she’s a Malaysian) she feels that I wouldn’t fit in with her family which is a massive deal to her. Which ended up with her breaking up with me to which honestly speaking I bawled my eyes out and she said she would give it another shot. Things were really good I decided for the better of the relationship I would quit my job as a photographer and join my family business so that I would develop something for us. And well yeah things were really good in our first year Second year was a little tougher as it would be as relationships get more deeper. She was still worrying about the cultural aspect plus my family business wasn’t doing to well so she felt very worried which is natural because she was already hoping to settle down with me. we were having our problems towards the middle of this year because of some of the stuff I mentioned plus others mainly her parents not wanting us to be together she felt it would be better we split which I got really upset about and she said she would try again. We did break up several times after this but it only lasted 30 mins each time before we got back together. Third year things started to balance out only because we were both putting a lot of energy into the relationship. She still had her worries that it wouldn’t work out which then were compounded by the fact that she was missing home to which she decided she would move back after her studies. She things would deffo not work out because I couldn’t move with her. I told her that’s not true and I would consider it to which she decided she would stay together with me but she’s worried I couldn’t make it there. And a last thing to add is that often she feels distant to me if I don’t see her for more than 2-3 weeks she feels like this. So in short what worries me is; 1. the whole not being attracted to me all the time and that putting her off big time 2. her often being distant with me 3. moving to another country when I feel the relationship isn’t completely stable 4. feeling that because I would react badly when she tried to break up with me she felt for lack of better words a emotionally black mailed to stay with me. for the record this happened twice, the whole me reacting badly. I should say that im kinda pointing out on the negative we really do love each other and think were ment to be together. But I suppose I gotta ask do people think its going to work out? Im not sure if shes ready or if I kinda forced her to be in the relationship. If anyone could help shed some light I would really appreciate it.
Nivasi Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Something I've had to learn over the past year since my break-up: You deserve Better than this. My ex would often talk about the "future" and us having a "plan", working together to reach common "goals", but there were never concretes. He'd never actually sit down and make a budget or talk to me about certain family/personal and financial issues. Looking back I realize that it was his way of keeping distance between us, keeping me separate from parts of his life. There was lip-service but never any real action. And it sounds like that's what this girl is doing. She says she wants to be with you, but she won't even give you, or her family, a chance to meet. How can she be SURE her family won't accept you? And even if that's true, then why string you along for 3 years, sucking you into a relationship, then say, Well, no, it's not going to work...? She keeps saying she's not attracted to you. Believe her. That's not her fault, or your fault. I wouldn't have dated my best friend's BF for anything, but she thinks he's the hottest thing since Brad Pitt. To each their own. You DESERVE someone who is truly attracted to You. All of You. The fact that she feels blackmailed and that you're not reacting well is NOT healthy. Your need to control her and keep her with you at any cost is Really NOT healthy. You have an unhealthy attachment to this woman, and might need to see a therapist to understand your own motivations and why you react this way. I'm not sure why this woman is still with you. Obviously she will never be happy with someone who isn't of her own culture. This relationship is not good for either of you. You deserve better than someone who is stringing you along, refusing to give you a real chance, saying their not physically attracted to you....and she deserves someone who isn't going to make her feel blackmailed into a relationship she doesn't want.
deebeechrisyo Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Do you really want to be with a girl who doesn't feel physically attracted to you? I know she said it was only sometimes, but I have a feeling that was said to spare your feelings. Physical attraction doesn't operate as an on/off switch like it does emotionally. She also tried to break up with you before? It's been 3 years, I would sit down and talk with her and hopefully get a definite answer to your questions instead of this wishy washy crap she has been feeding you.
Author maxwax Posted December 25, 2010 Author Posted December 25, 2010 nivasi she has always fought in my corner when her parents wernt sure even when i made a pretty dodgy first impression. She also invited me to stay with her family in malaysia which i did and now i know her family pretty well. To be honest regarding marriage this is the first time she has said hang on im not sure. Im also not sure she feels black mailed i just kinda think this might be the case i could be looking at this too far. i know what is wrong is the whole attraction thing and that does really worry me. it has been 3 years and now i know its time for a good long talk just wanted some other opinions of what other people think before i do
Recommended Posts