Having a hard time coping my ex's life is going terribly and I feel badly for her

[durkadurka]

even though I really shouldn't. ****. I hate having empathy.

 

Let me predicate that in getting with the Christmas spirit, I've had a few cold ones tonight, so I warn everyone before they read this that this post might not be completely PG. If anyone here has a problem with that, I suggest that you stop reading right here. This post doesn't really have a point, it's just an overview, I've got a hard time articulating how I feel given the scope of the issue.

 

I'm in a really awkward position that pits my morality and my nature against the uphill battle I'm fighting. I can't get this chick out of my god damned mind. Maybe I'm too empathic?

 

I'm a lucky guy. I'm (by most people's standards) pretty good looking, I come from a well off family, and while I am older (24) I work full time while taking a full course load at school, so that I might be able to complete my degree. I'm also taking an internship in New York next summer for 2 months, and going on exchange to Amsterdam the following semester. I consider myself to be a catch. Though I can certainly see how I became less and less appealing over the course of my last relationship.

 

I recently got out of a 2.5 year long relationship, which went awry for oh so many reasons. Without going into detail, it largely stems from both my ex and I not being mature enough to cope with the scale of the issues (e.g. her family was in persistent financial trouble and she was constantly lending them money, and doing nothing to improve her own state of living... and eventually I gave up). She turned down a $100,000 a year job to move back and suffer with her parents. She had persisting guilt issues in regards to her family.

 

We talked every day, the idea of marriage was still on the table, and she brought that up, not me. She called every day, saying how her friends had been trying to set her up with people, but that she wasn't interested. She was asking if I was seeing someone.About a month and a half after we broke up, she invited me to come visit her, and we skirted around the issues of reconciliation, but I flirted with the idea, but she wouldn't meet me half way.

 

I hate to say it, but us guys, despite our rough and hard (ladies.. whatever you're thinking, stop right there) exterior, we're scared. I lost my fortitude, I lost my mojo (or as I like to affectionately call it, my swagger) and the fear of rejection was overwhelming. I felt that my actions conveyed more than my words could, and if flying 2000 miles to see her wasn't enough for her to bring it up then I don't know what is. We did a lot of fun things when we were together, and somehow, I always was able to reach a little bit deeper, and rise to the occasion and do something incredibly impressive, whether it was finding the courage to go on my first roller coaster, or standing up to her grandparents when they were yelling at her in front of me. I left her a 3 page note telling her that I loved her, that I missed her. She called me a few days later telling me that her plans in her home town had gone to * * * * , and that her dad would probably have to file for UI and her parents would have to declare bankruptcy.

 

One night, we were sitting on a roof top bar, and we were kind of discussing getting back together when I told her that I needed to build up my own confidence, that I was unable to move to be with her until she got some firm footing and decided where she was going to live for a few years. I felt this was perfectly reasonable.

 

Frankly, I wish I'd found ENA earlier, because while I feel like I made the right move, advice is something no one could ever be deficient in. Long story short, it didn't work out. 4 weeks after I left... she started seeing someone substantially older than her.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The last few months have really required some soul searching. This was something that I knew I needed to do whether I was going to be getting back with her, or not. It has also got me into some trouble, and I am looking for some guidance.

 

I'm a deeply loyal person, to my family, but even more so to my friends. I can't bear to see people suffer, and when one of my friends is hurting, I feel like I am hurting with them and this is where my trouble comes in. I'm too empathic for someone who has hurt me, and for someone who will not feel the same way for me.

 

For all intents and purposes, her life is a complete colossal mess. While she's met new people, she's broke. Her dad was (eventually) laid off, his co-worker shot himself in front of his kids. The girl's business takeover plan has fallen apart and taken her emotional toll. She's gained 15 pounds (I don't care), she hasn't had her haircut in months (I know what it looks like when it's normal), I had to withdraw money out of her bank accounts in my country to take to her because she's got no money left. Her brother enlisted in the Army because he has no other choice, his parents can no longer pay for his schooling. None of them have health insurance, they have no house insurance, they will soon not be able to afford car insurance.

 

She has lied to me about the guy she is dating, or maybe he lied to her, I'm not quite sure. But he's 34, she's 23 and amongst other outrageous problems this guy has, he was foreclosed on a year ago, and he worked for his daddy and is as dumb as a brick. I digress.

 

All of this when she just turned down a $100k per year job 6 months ago. I know her well enough to know that when she says she's okay, that she's actually miserable. She's having to contemplate getting a job as a waitress.

 

About a month ago she called. She burst into tears and told me she was looking at flights to come and visit me. That she regretted some of the bad decisions she made when it came to dealing with me, that she still thinks about me moving down to be with her, but that she's not sure how it would work. Long story short we decided we would meet in Vegas. She also brought up that on Christmas, the new guy she was seeing was a pansy and after 1 drink wouldn't drive her and her friends home, but she knew that I would have. She said she wanted to run away, and that she wanted to run away from her situation with me.

 

She skipped US Thanksgiving with her family and the guy she was seeing to spend time with me. Things like marriage were, again, brought up. She said that we would make a great couple, and have beautiful children, but that she really just wanted to be friends for now, that she was still sexually attracted to me and felt very conflicted because she didn't know what was going on in her life right now. She also said that we both knew that if we fooled around, it wouldn't stay in Vegas but rather it indicated a much larger (e.g. marriage) committment.

 

She didn't feel I was in a position to be in a relationship with anyone (way to put words in my mouth), that if we got back together that she could see us coming back to Vegas, and that she really wants to go to Hawaii with me (to which I gave an unequivocal no, not if we're just friends). She was holding my hand, and kissing me on the cheeks the entire time we were there. She was even straddling me in bed and running around the room in her lingerie and invading the bathroom while I was naked getting out of the shower. She capped it off with a kiss on the lips as she was boarding her flight. She has told me over and over how she couldn't imagine going to vegas with anyone else.

 

Since then it's been more of the same. She and her parents were blown away by the trip, she told me she really misses me.

 

She's sent texts when she was the Maid of Honor at her best friends wedding (which I was supposed to be at), saying that her hair looks great but her makeup is outrageous.. and after the wedding letting me know that it went well and that she hoped I was well.

 

Which brings me to this, the day after the wedding, she called me to let me know it went well (I don't care, really.) She sounded miserable, and I was upset with the state of affairs with her and told her I didn't want to be a part of her life so long as she was content with running it into the ground.

 

She texted me when her brother was being sworn into the military and told me her grandparents say hello, and that she misses me.

 

The icing on the cake was a text message last night saying 'I can't believe it's almost Christmas, been thinking of you and your family. Hugs and kisses.'

 

 

 

 

 

Words honestly can't describe the up and down this process has been, and I'm starting to really lose my mind.

 

I'm fortunate enough to be well off, so I sent her family a care package for Christmas, a bottle of wine, some baking that I did, and a small present for each of them (very small) because they can't afford Christmas. But honestly, this is wearing thin on me. I miss the girl a ton, and I feel she misses me too.

 

I told her when I was in Vegas with her, that never in my life, have I ever accepted being second best. I wasn't going to start now, but I feel so badly for her too. Darnit.

[january2010]

You know you're being used. You know that going full NC (delete and block) is the best way to get your ex out of your system.

 

She has problems and you can help/have helped her. Yet, you also know that she can help herself. Given the current climate and in light of her situation, turning down a USD100K job is not something to take lightly. I have a feeling that if you dropped off the face of the earth, somehow she'd find another way to get herself out of the hole that she's in, without your help.

 

Don't be second best. Rip off the bandaid.

[alwayshoping]

What a lovely thread. I mean it. No sarcasm, my revision is going crap and it was so nice to read your story. If I were you, and I know this is silly but I would see it as a compliment that is girl still seriously has feelings for you.

 

You can do a: get her back and marry her so that you can make her live upto her potential as well as be able to help her family.

 

Or b: realise you can do better and try move on knowing that she will be able tl fix this herself. Afterall she is clearly quite bright.

 

It seems she broke up with you a her life was going crap? Pressure makes us do silly things. Maybe a day of revision is making me say the wrong things and give poor advice but if I were you, I would tell her I loved her, want to marry her and let her make her choice. Then closure will come regardless of the answer. It will also show you were her heart lies. Hmmm perhaps you should ignore my idealistic rambling. But hey she does still love you, just seems confused and hard times put big strains on people (no justification really but still .......)

[durkadurka]

What a lovely thread. I mean it. No sarcasm, my revision is going crap and it was so nice to read your story. If I were you, and I know this is silly but I would see it as a compliment that is girl still seriously has feelings for you.

 

You can do a: get her back and marry her so that you can make her live upto her potential as well as be able to help her family.

 

Or b: realise you can do better and try move on knowing that she will be able tl fix this herself. Afterall she is clearly quite bright.

 

It seems she broke up with you a her life was going crap? Pressure makes us do silly things. Maybe a day of revision is making me say the wrong things and give poor advice but if I were you, I would tell her I loved her, want to marry her and let her make her choice. Then closure will come regardless of the answer. It will also show you were her heart lies. Hmmm perhaps you should ignore my idealistic rambling. But hey she does still love you, just seems confused and hard times put big strains on people (no justification really but still .......)

 

I don't want to get back together with her, marry her, and help her family, at least not without some discussions about boundaries.

 

For me, mixing money and family is a cardinal sin. I'm not comfortable with pitching more and more money into a problem when it won't be fixed.

 

We broke up because neither of us were on firm footing, when she decided to move she was so unsure about us that she didn't ask me to come with her, and I wasn't sure enough about her to make a serious effort to move.

 

Anyways, I don't know if she loves me anymore, that's for certain, but she does admit that she's physically attracted to me, and feels very conflicted inside and certainly thinks about what it would be like to still be with me.

 

I've sent her down a care package for her and the rest of her family for Christmas and I hope they feel a little bit better because of it.

[durkadurka]

You know you're being used. You know that going full NC (delete and block) is the best way to get your ex out of your system.

 

She has problems and you can help/have helped her. Yet, you also know that she can help herself. Given the current climate and in light of her situation, turning down a USD100K job is not something to take lightly. I have a feeling that if you dropped off the face of the earth, somehow she'd find another way to get herself out of the hole that she's in, without your help.

 

Don't be second best. Rip off the bandaid.

 

She's not asking for my help to get her out of this hole, and I have not offered either. I told her pretty much what you said above. She can help herself, she hasn't.

 

During our relationship I tried to help her out of things when she was not working hard on doing it herself.

 

For all intents and purposes I've completely fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't called her in months, and I've resisted the urge to text her.

 

In so far as me being used, when we first started dating, I was in a rut. I wasn't going anywhere quickly, and I was a loser. This girl was here for me. I do not feel used, as I haven't gone out of my way to do anything for the girl.

 

Thanks though. <golf clap>

[january2010]

Thanks though. <golf clap>

 

You're welcome *bows*

 

Good luck - sounds like you're going to need it to get through this.

[durkadurka]

You're welcome *bows*

 

Good luck - sounds like you're going to need it to get through this.

 

Yeah you are right. Having a conscience has really made it hard to move on.

 

Almost makes me wish I didn't have one, but who would I be then?