Struggling massively after nearly 3 months. Bit of a venting session, sorry.

[Buzzkillington]

This is my first break up (first love, well at least it feels that way, I am 21). We were together for nearly 4 years, until October of this year.

 

Our relationship had gone sour (We didn't communicate as well) for a month or so beforehand, since she's younger than me and is still at University for this year, so when the breakup came it seemed inevitable, though still made me very unhappy of course. I was fine after a few days and just went about work and hobbies as normal until I suddenly found myself thinking about the way she had broken up with me, how when I'd said we could be friends, (Not doing that again in the future!) but not if she was just getting another boyfriend instantly, she'd said 'Fair enough'.

 

My brain just seemed to insist I thought about the way things had gone, and I realised (Through Facebook, now deleted and blocked dw) that she'd met up with a guy she'd been mentioning (?!?!?!?!?!?) for a while the night that she broke up with me. As I read other people's posts on here, I realise that she'd most likely lined him up for the month in question.

 

I have no idea why all of this bothers me - our relationship was poor for that month... is my ego hurt? That she could replace me so quickly after what seems like almost an eternity at my age is definitely very painful.

 

We spoke sporadically afterwards until about 2 weeks ago when I went NC (Purely for coping, her and this guy aren't official I don't think but It's clear they're seeing each other). I've gone from barely caring (About the relationship dying, I care deeply about her) for a couple of weeks to thinking about it obsessively, even at work, and even with no contact at all available.

 

I can't believe I'm someone who feels so sorry for themself suddenly, I feel completely destroyed by this - did I put too much of myself into the relationship? Base too much on it?

 

The last time we spoke I told her all of these things (except asking about her relationship with this other man, none of my business as to what they're actually doing), I felt I could tell her how I felt since the damage is already done and there's no hope for us as a couple.

 

She told me she's sorry but she doesn't love me like that anymore, etc etc etc, and then told me that I don't even know her anymore - she feels that because of the month of not talking too much and then the other two months - that 3 MONTHS of her life where we have just talked here and there, that I don't even KNOW her anymore.

 

I can't understand it, the relationship deserved to fail and I played a huge part in that and can deal with it, but I don't know her? And another man so quickly? How amazing must this guy be? Now i can barely sleep, I have dreams about her, I feel lethargic and sluggish even after losing vast amounts of weight since the breakup. Why was it so, so easy to just find someone else and put her everything into making it work with him?

 

Good luck to the guy I guess, because she's a very sweet person who at points I treated poorly (Not like violence or even arguments or something but I wasn't always kind to her). But this has destroyed me - that's the best way of putting it, I barely feel like myself at all anymore, I hate hanging out with people and only force myself to to do all I can to move on.

 

I realise that this post is probably annoying and rambling! But i had to vent somewhere. Thanks for letting me do it here.

 

PS. And I've also got that damn thing people talk about where you don't find anyone else attractive. And I can barely hold a conversation and have no idea why. Meh.

[AZGarnethawk]

Well first you are going through the classic signs of grief. First was shock. That all numbing pain killing lovely shock. It can last for months or even as little as hours, but eventually it wears off and everything the shock kept you from feeling came crashing down like a crumbling building.

 

Because it all came crashing down in one swift instant you are suffering from denial, isolation, anger, you've skipped bargaining, went right to depression all at one time. The last stage is acceptance. You are part of the way there to acceptance, but the other signs are holding you back from fully accepting it.

 

Try doing something different. If you honestly do not feel like being around people then give yourself time. Forcing yourself to find attraction to another person also forces the depression and isolation feelings. You want to heal not force yourself to feel better.

 

What I've done in these cases was find something new and different to enjoy and involve myself in. I never really got into computer games, but when I was suffering so badly from grief and the need to be away from people I found a computer game. ((World of warcraft.....lololol)) and it helped me to not only think of something else but to not think of my pain. I got busy...mind you this was about 5 yrs ago...playing and soon I had realized that I did want to go out again and hang out with people.

 

Your mind and heart and spirit just need time to digest everything. You will suffer from sleepless nights, so on those nights find something entertain you. Don't kjust sit in the dark and bemoan all that happened. You accepted your part in the break up...alot of people cannot even do that, now its time to forgive yourself. Right now you are thinking you are not such a great person after all....well you are just take time to be with yourself and relearn what you like and dislike. Time is the only thing that will help, but doing things just for you will help this along. Don't stay stuck in selfpity. Forgive yourself and find some outlet for your mind.

 

Slowly things will get back to normal....Life is always changing.

Edited December 24, 2010 by AZGarnethawk