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christmas, im alone and hes not

ginastar

By ginastar
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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so its christmas and the sick feeling of my ex being with his new girl and me being alone is hitting once again. ugh i feel nauseous that hes prob spending it with a new girl and im stuck alone.

even though i know hes just an *******, doesnt help right now. he wasted 7 years of my life and its already been like 5 months.

i feel like ill never find anyone.

anyone else feeling this way??

january2010 Established Member

january2010

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This is why it's recommended to maintain NC. News = hurt. It winds you up and sets you back. Don't focus on what's going on in your ex's life. Focus on what's going on in your own.

 

When you let go of the past, you let the future in.

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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well i dont know for sure, but im just assuming hes with her.

january2010 Established Member

january2010

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It's hard. But try not to think about it. You're winding yourself up. I've been there. Best to focus on creating happy moments for yourself. Go for a run/walk. Make some hot chocolate with marshmallows. Browse YouTube, make a playlist of the cheesiest Christmas music you can find. Watch back-to-back episodes of your favourite TV series. And so on and so forth.

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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it is hard, but thank you. so have you found a new bf?

january2010 Established Member

january2010

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No worries. :)

 

And nope but that's okay - I'm happy admiring the view. :laugh:

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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i want to meet a new guy cause i think then i would not think about my jerk, ex bf

AZGarnethawk Member

AZGarnethawk

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The problem with jumping into a relationship after a hard break-up is that it never works out for you. You will have this relationship that ends and you feel exactly the sameway. So what do you do...jump into another relaitionship cause it will make you feel better. That is a nasty cycle that you should break now.

 

Don't jump on to the next. First its not fair to them because your heart is not really in it or ready for it, and second its not fair to you, because you need time to heal. You will only continue doing the samething over and over and over again and then one day you will be a single mother sitting alone and wondering how you got that way.

 

First take care of you. Take time for yourself. When you start to think of what he has that you dont and the bitterness starts creeping in and you want to find another guy to ease your pain think about other things instead. You cannot change your life if you do not change your way of thinking. Don't think about what he's doing instead think of what you want to do today. Was there something that you wanted to do and you just did not cause you were with them? Did you want to hike that trail or go biking or just lounge on the couch with a bucket of ice cream and every sappy movie you know? Well do it. And do it with gusto. Enjoy time with you before you try and take a broken you make another broken relationship.:p

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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i dont understand why another relationship would fall apart right now. I have been alone for 5 months now. I know plenty of people who go from one relationship to another and are happy together. Plenty of people even say that finding another will help you not think of how you were ****ed over and that you are more appreciative of the new person because of the break up.

january2010 Established Member

january2010

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It may help or it may not. But if the new relationship doesn't last long then it will throw you for a loop again and you may find yourself in a worse position.

 

In my experience, there's nothing like getting into a new relationship too soon after the breakup of an LTR to underline the fact that you still have so many unresolved issues to deal with. It's not fair on the new guy and your relationship begins at a disadvantage. Wouldn't you rather be "ready" to give yourselves the best chance of success? :)

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Ah, AZGarnethawk beat me to the punch.
AZGarnethawk Member

AZGarnethawk

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Yes sometimes it works but most times it does not. In those five months how many days have you gotten up and went through the whole day and not thought of them or how they might have messed you over? If you can honestly say not one then you are not ready for your next relationship.

 

What happens most of the time is you are not ready to move. Your heart is not in it. And you end up talking about the person and what they did to you for weeks with the bo. And what does the new bo think? Well they begin to get annoyed and tired of hearing about it. Then it moves to frustration, then anger and then an end. I made this mistake several times. IE: I've been divorced twice now. I realize now I was looking for realtionships for the wrong reasons and not the right ones. And I end up finding the wrong guy everytime. You have got to let yourself heal before you jump into something, because you if you are not happy and healthy then there is a bigger chance of it not working. Just be carefull your reasons for getting into a relationship.

 

If the reason is to stop thinking about someone else, then that is not a good reason. How would you feel if you found out someone was with you orginally just to not think about an ex....well then that calls into question how many times and how often while with you did they think about the ex? Do you see how this can be a nasty cycle?

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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yea but I think I am ready for a new relationship. I dont want my ex back.

Just because Im lonely doesnt mean Im not ready for a relationship right?

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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ok i understand what your saying but if you have someone else to think about maybe you wont think about the ex. I do think of my ex but not in a way that I miss him. I do not want him.

and if I met a new guy the last thing i would want to talk about is my ex!

AZGarnethawk Member

AZGarnethawk

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Its the last thing you want to do but will be the first thing that happens. Mainly because you are still so angry and bitter and you want your emotions justified. And yes they are. If he hurt you that badly then they certainly are.

 

After my last break up almost 6 yrs ago I decided it was time to be alone. And I was for a year. And yes it was lonely and I deep down I might have wanted someone there, but I was not ready. And then I met someone. I was ready and did not talk about the other guy at all. The only problem is...he will never be ready for another relationship because he has so much bitterness and anger inside of him for what others have done to him and I have paid the price of their crimes for 4 yrs now.

january2010 Established Member

january2010

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There's a school of thought that advocates being happy alone before getting into another relationship. Thus the recommendations regarding working on yourself. That is, you get into a position where you don't need someone, but you want them. Of course, in practice, it doesn't always work out that way.

 

Something else to think about is that when you're not in a good place, you're likely to attract those who would leverage your vulnerability for their own needs or a knight in shining armour type who tries to save/fix you. Is that what you're looking for?

AZGarnethawk Member

AZGarnethawk

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And those are the kind of people you don't want....the ones that want to fix you, because that often times points to something they want to fix in themselves but cannot. After you are "Fixed" and there is no crisis then the relationship cools.

 

You want to find someone who wants to be with no matter what. And that will be someone who does not try to change you or "fix" you. they are just there.

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ginastar Established Member

ginastar

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I understand but Im happy, just lonely so I think Im ready.

Im not looking for just any body, i have turned down guys..I will wait til I really am into someone.

Also, Im 30 so I dont want to wait too long, I feel like its already hard to find decent single guys at this age and will only get harder as I get older.

AZGarnethawk Member

AZGarnethawk

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First don't think that way. The more you involve yourself in activities you like the more people will be drawn to you. When you are truely happy you give off this aura of happiness and people want to be near you. Abite for their own selfish reasons, but they want to be around someone who has truely found happiness inside and not in the world around them.

 

Age is just a number. Away to label people. I'm 34 yrs YOUNG! or will be in january lol....but the point is i don't look at how little time I might have or being an old maid....I look at what fun I can have and ways I can make me happy. When you do that you make the people around you happy and more and more people become attracted to you.

delajoonal Established Member

delajoonal

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OP~

 

AZGarnethawk is SO right on the money with this one...

 

the jumping into another R so quickly, a rebound R, if u will.

 

believe me, i did it...and now i have been D for nearly 2 yrs, my xh left me for his EA via fb...after a 15 year marriage and one child.

 

and 8 months after xh left, i went on fb and hooked up with an old school mate...and now i have broken it off with him...( still in love w/ the xbf, but certain circumstances lead me to just break it off)

 

anyway........

 

so now i am dealing with the holidays alone, the grief i never finished getting thru with my xh and now the xbf toboot...

 

needless to say, i have a very heavy heart these days...

was very angry for a while and bitter, but coming on LS is a HUGE part of my recovery and moving on with MY Life...

 

that is the key phrase..., "my life"....it is time we, all start OUR lives over again...and like i said, i have learned my lesson...

 

i need to find ME, before i can be a 'WE' ..again.

 

and you need to find YOU, before u can move on to another R as well..

 

i say dating in between, mingle, hang out...but nothing serious...just leads to more confusion and more heart ache:o

 

Merry Christmas sweetie...i promise...there will be better days ahead...some times the we backslide...and have ugly days...

but with all of together here on LS..we can do this...

 

take care....dela:love:

pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

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I don't think being "lonely" is a good enough reason in itself to want to be in a relationship. If you are sad and miserable because you are single, then you have nothing to offer to someone else.

 

Now, if you are happy and content with yourself, but feel like a relationship would only *add* to your life, that's when you'd ideally start looking for a partner.

pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

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i need to find ME, before i can be a 'WE' ..again.

 

and you need to find YOU, before u can move on to another R as well..

 

 

I think this is a hard concept to grasp, if you aren't open to it, but it's completely true.

 

If you haven't found yourself prior to a relationship, you will continue to lose little bits of you. I know I have a lot to work on with myself, and that is what 2011 is going to be all about!

AZGarnethawk Member

AZGarnethawk

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2011 for me will be about moving. Moving out, Moving on, and Moving home. lol

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