start-fresh Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 The girl I've been seeing has made a decision to wait until marriage to have sex. For me, personally, this was never a belief that I had, but I like this girl enough to wait. At least that's how I feel now after a lot of thinking on it. It just doesn't make sense for me to reject her over this because of how well we get along otherwise. The chemistry when we make out is great. I worry, though, that I could be perceived as a doormat for this and it will make her lose respect for me. That would be a huge heartbreaker. I'm really not choosing to wait for myself, but making a huge compromise for the relationship. It could work out great or the whole thing could go down in flames. I also won't be able to be her 'rock', if you will, if she chooses to change her mind. Basically because I'm not choosing to wait myself, if she gets weak and we do end up having sex, it could lead to some major guilt and a subsequent breakup. Anyone have any thoughts?
zengirl Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 The girl I've been seeing has made a decision to wait until marriage to have sex. For me, personally, this was never a belief that I had, but I like this girl enough to wait. At least that's how I feel now after a lot of thinking on it. It just doesn't make sense for me to reject her over this because of how well we get along otherwise. The chemistry when we make out is great. I worry, though, that I could be perceived as a doormat for this and it will make her lose respect for me. That would be a huge heartbreaker. I'm really not choosing to wait for myself, but making a huge compromise for the relationship. It could work out great or the whole thing could go down in flames. I also won't be able to be her 'rock', if you will, if she chooses to change her mind. Basically because I'm not choosing to wait myself, if she gets weak and we do end up having sex, it could lead to some major guilt and a subsequent breakup. Anyone have any thoughts? If it's an important value to her, and you're honestly okay with it, then you aren't being a doormat. You're being respectful to her and doing what you want -- continuing dating her. Breaking up with her when you DON'T want to is more doormat-like, in my book. You also shouldn't have to take responsibility for her sexuality. If she chooses not to wait -- unless she does it when she's really drunk or something, and if she's falling down drunk or otherwise incapacitated, I hope you'd hold off on a first time -- then that's also her choice, and you don't need to take responsibility for it so long as you approach her honestly. Everyone makes compromises in relationships. Being a doormat is when you're making the compromise because you have no sense of self or self respect. It sounds like you are making a measured choice to wait because it's important to her. I'm not sure I could do that for a guy, personally, but I think it's perfectly respectable.
tb24 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I think you left out some important details: -How long have you been together? -Are you actually engaged to be married? If so, when? The bigger the timeframe, the longer this will be an issue and the more difficult it will be. I think you'll likely have some other issues too. If you're not already engaged, how likely is it you'll want to get married just so you can have sex? I'm not saying no sex before marriage is a bad thing (though never something I'd agree to...) but it is going to put a strain on the relationship, imho.
make me believe Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 It doesn't make you a doormat but I have doubts that a relationship like this can work. If both of you wanted to wait until marriage, sure. But since only she wants to wait, I just see a lot of frustration & tension for you once things get serious. Plus, IMO waiting until marriage can point to a lot of issues with sex. What if you get married and you find out she thinks it's only ok to do it a certain way or she thinks certain activities (oral maybe) are dirty and won't do them? I also agree with zengirl that it's not your responsibility to "preserve" her virginity. IF she eventually decides to have sex with you and then feels guilty about it later, that's HER responsibility.
Author start-fresh Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 Define for us what you mean by 'sex'. We haven't had that discussion yet... but we would have to set some clear boundaries about what's acceptable, which as I type it just sounds so rigid and forced. I think you left out some important details: -How long have you been together? -Are you actually engaged to be married? If so, when? The bigger the timeframe, the longer this will be an issue and the more difficult it will be. I think you'll likely have some other issues too. If you're not already engaged, how likely is it you'll want to get married just so you can have sex? I'm not saying no sex before marriage is a bad thing (though never something I'd agree to...) but it is going to put a strain on the relationship, imho. We're certainly not engaged and have only been together about a month. So I'm having to make a big decision here. And I agree with you about getting married just to have sex. That's one of the reason's I don't necessarily share this belief. It doesn't make you a doormat but I have doubts that a relationship like this can work. If both of you wanted to wait until marriage, sure. But since only she wants to wait, I just see a lot of frustration & tension for you once things get serious. Plus, IMO waiting until marriage can point to a lot of issues with sex. What if you get married and you find out she thinks it's only ok to do it a certain way or she thinks certain activities (oral maybe) are dirty and won't do them? I also agree with zengirl that it's not your responsibility to "preserve" her virginity. IF she eventually decides to have sex with you and then feels guilty about it later, that's HER responsibility. I agree with this points completely. As far as her views on what's 'acceptable' sex to her, I don't know any other way other than to talk about those things. Not the most exciting, but I don't know any other ways. And I agree with you that it shouldn't be my responsibility, but if she was with a guy that shared her beliefs completely, he would be able to help her hold her commitment to abstinence.
carhill Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 If you're together in another six months, 'big decisions' can be made then. Have the sex talk ASAP.
forrest Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Are you ok with waiting 3 years before getting married? what about 6? Would you be ok with marrying her and finding out she has no sex drive, and hence you won't have sex with her for the rest of your marriage (or maybe a few times here and there)? The questions above I think you need to think about because they very well may become reality. If you are ok with them, then continue to date her. Otherwise, you'll need to think long and hard about what you really want to do and whether you want to take the risk.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 She just decided to abstain from sex just before she met you? Bullshyt. I believe she has some issues that she hasnt dealt with yet to make a dopey decision like this...or, she told you this so she wouldnt have to have sex with you...and she doesnt plan on keeping you for long term. Its only been a month? Run for this hills, this ones tainted. let her feed that horseshyt to the next guy.
Seamless74 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Oh wait i have a vision of your future..... Its posting on a board similar to this one in about 3 or 4 years talking about a divorce.. Man yes your a doormat if its not a shared belief, and secondly how can you have a relationship with a person contemplating marriage and not have similar beliefs such as this?? And what if you wait however long and realize the sex is not that great...??
NoLongerSad Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I would just cut my losses in your position and move on before you get more deeply involved with this chick. This is a completely no-win situation for you.
Pfiend101 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Are you ok with waiting 3 years before getting married? what about 6? Would you be ok with marrying her and finding out she has no sex drive, and hence you won't have sex with her for the rest of your marriage (or maybe a few times here and there)? The questions above I think you need to think about because they very well may become reality. If you are ok with them, then continue to date her. Otherwise, you'll need to think long and hard about what you really want to do and whether you want to take the risk. Couldn't agree more. Gotta test drive a car before you buy it. Am I right?
xpaperxcutx Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 Couldn't agree more. Gotta test drive a car before you buy it. Am I right? There are no such things as imcompetent cars, maybe imcompetent drivers. OP, I would compare this to a FWB situation. It's like being in a sexual relationship without attachment only to find out later on, you fell in love with your partner. But guess what she does not want a relationship with you. You know full well what you are getting into, a sexless relationship, with makeout sessions. If you are completely fine with that, then kudos to you. However, the incompatibility factor here is that you do not share the same beliefs as her. I don't believe coercing her into sex before marriage is a good idea.
East7 Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 (edited) You are probably loosing your time dude ! 3 years ago, I met and dated a 24yrs old virgin girl that didn't want sex before mariage for personal beliefs. It didn't lasted more than 2 weeks, I dumped her because it was her choice not mine, and I wasn't OK with that. I also think she had some psychological blocking with sex that she used to cover with "faith" excuses. I don't regret her for a second. I think no sex before marriage has to be a choice for both unless it will never work. Either she is serving you a bullshyt excuse to keep you waiting as she is not really invested in the relationship. Or She is upfront but imposing you something that you might not be Ok with. Ask yourself what do YOU want ? Picture yourself in a couple of months, will you be happy with it ? Who is to tell you that respecting her choice will pay off in the long haul ? What if she dumps you and you find yourself having waited for nothing. Then yes you will feel a doormat. My opinion, don't waste your time, chemistry is amazing but it is not sufficient to make a good relationship. Edited December 25, 2010 by East7
creighton0123 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 The girl I've been seeing has made a decision to wait until marriage to have sex. For me, personally, this was never a belief that I had, but I like this girl enough to wait. At least that's how I feel now after a lot of thinking on it. It just doesn't make sense for me to reject her over this because of how well we get along otherwise. The chemistry when we make out is great. I worry, though, that I could be perceived as a doormat for this and it will make her lose respect for me. That would be a huge heartbreaker. I'm really not choosing to wait for myself, but making a huge compromise for the relationship. It could work out great or the whole thing could go down in flames. I also won't be able to be her 'rock', if you will, if she chooses to change her mind. Basically because I'm not choosing to wait myself, if she gets weak and we do end up having sex, it could lead to some major guilt and a subsequent breakup. Anyone have any thoughts? Really, your personal values should not be hers. If she is interested in now waiting until marriage for sex, she should find someone who shares the same values. If you do not want to wait until marriage before having sex, you may as well pack your bags and move on (pretty light baggage since you've only been together for a month). I would say the same if she wanted an open relationship. If she wanted to and was going to make sex non-monogamous despite what you wanted and you wanted monogamy, would you consider dating her? Most likely not. You're young. Move on. Get sexed up. Have fun and find someone who shares the same values as you. And oh, wrap it up. Condoms are an absolute. They are not an option.
Recommended Posts