GoldenStar Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Me and my boyfriend of 5 and a half years, recently broke up on Thanksgiving (yes this day). We were together for three and a half full years before being Long distance nearly two years. ….With demanding schedules we were only able to see each other once per month on the weekends. Over the years we had planned on moving closer together but always came into dispute of who would go where and when. This started to cause a lot of strife in our relationship but we have always worked through it, and seemingly going strong...towards coming together. I am 24 years old and my ex is 24 as well. We started dating at age 18 through now and were each others first relationship and first true love (college sweethearts) We planned on getting married and was planning on moving together this March until things started to take a turn. Our relationship has been great but not necessarily the same since we started college. Initially we were insperable but things started to change February 09 when I first moved away a few states away. We were already quite the opposite couple, with a stable but youthful foundation, with issues that dealt mainly with being so young starting out, but the fire still seemed to be there. Our time together has been pretty much amazing however this year starting in June, is when my boyfriend started to express weariness of us being long distance. Like true weariness, the kind ultimatums are made of. He told me that he felt we were going in separate directions it seems and that he can no longer take the distance after my current position. I think he always felt resentment from me moving to one career program to the next choosing to stay in New York, versus moving to VA mid year. Initially I protested having to be the one to move (out of stubbornness), and then after our converstation I realized that is where I truly wanted to be, despite how “glamorous” my career may seem up here. That month I told him yes I would move with him, and I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. He agreed and things seemed fine he seemed very happy I was going to move with him. We went on a great vacation in July, we had our argument here and there up until September when things were still going well….. In October he moved from, the place where he felt most lonely in VA to D.C. A place that we both agreed on would be a great place for us to start (I was initially reluctant because of my career in N.Y)….and that’s when I started noticing changes…. October he let me know that he was going to be coming to to NJ for a week on assignment and I thought wow that would be a great opportunity to see him, again. Well I asked to visit him more than one day out of the week that he was there….and he said “I will be able to see you one day however, the second day I might not be able to see you because I might be busy with work”, keep in mind the previous week he was on assignment in another state and went out three or four days that week. It bothered me so we got into a huge blowup that day he hung up, he called back and then said…”I don’t know if we’re going to make it”. Fast forward we had this long drawn out conversation about our relationship (tearful on my end), and he stated that he feels that we haven’t grown since college, and he feels that he loves me and still wants to be my boyfriend however he’s not sure how we can make it through. And that if I were to be moving in with him next week that he felt we would break up (keep in mind it isn’t until March), I kept telling him that I feel that we can work on things apologized for blowing up about seeing him more, and let him know that it was coming from a good place of missing and wanting to be with him. He said he felt so much pressure coming from all sides (his job had him traveling alone state to state, for weeks on end)……and that he would have to think about the direction of our relationship. Having recognized these types of lines before I just knew it was over. I sent his sister a message and she assured me he didn’t want to break up (he said he called her after he hung up on me and talked to her). This was over the phone, until I got a chance to see him October. When I saw him he didn’t want to kiss me deeply, didn’t want to hold hands as much or anything. We discussed our relationship, and he said he wanted “action”, and not “emotion” on how we can fix things. I wrote a three page long letter explaining how much I love him and that I am willing to make things work, willing to put in the time, willing to change things and he said he thought it sounded good he loves me too but he’s still not sure. I came to see him a second day (against him initially protesting saying that we had a great discussion of this over the phone) big mistake. Thought this would show how much I cared however, he was even more aloof, listening to everything I was saying but still saying that we still had communication issues ( I am more outgoing, he’s moreso calm cool and collected), intimacy issues, that we still haven’t worked out all the way since college and that he was apprehensive about moving in because we still argue about the same things. Though I do agree that we have things that we needed to work on I thought we were progressing and just before he came in late October he showed me the apartment we would be moving to and everything. His sister also told me how much I would love the new place. I was mainly hurt and taken back because he had not said n e of these things. When I left New Jersey he said he still needed time to think about everything, he still wanted to be together but he didn’t know how we should continue on. Fast forward through October to November, is when we spoke over the phone again and that is when he laid it all out after thinking, and traveling back and from all over including London (where he never got a calling card to call just sent me messages…) He comes back and says he thought about everything and that he loves me but his “love has changed since college”…that he doesn’t know if we are able to keep our relationship going or what steps we need to take. That maybe the past two years when were long distance were only built on us being comfortable with each other (this on my end was definitely not true). I was not with him out of comfort because of a deep love that I have for him. He says that he feels that we haven’t grown separately and not together and again that at first he thought it was just the distance it’s not just that. He doesn’t know what it is. Then he switched again and said that he would tell couples that were long distance to have amore set action plan and don’t let it drag along (although we concluded way back in June that we would make the move together). I assured him I was serious about us, and that before I came down in March we could work on things together and I completely came up with an action plan, areas I felt we were lacking areas I felt we were strong in and he still shot me down. I asked him what did he want to do….and I think we should discuss this in person. Long story cut to the end, we did, see each other Thanksgiving and at first he said that things could go either way, that we could talk things out or “break up” depending on how our convo went. Boy was this a complete lie. After five and a half years I know. I went over there later that night and then he laid it all out on the table……we were supposed to talk Friday but he came out with it a day earlier….to my sadness saying that he loves me but he’s not sure he has that in love feeling with me anymore. He tried to change it and fix it, but at this point he doesn’t think that he has it in him to start from “square one” to work on our relationship. Says he feels we have talked about these changes before, and we go back to the same patterns. I told him never before was it this extreme and I thought we were working on building a future together…..however he said that at this point he doesn’t want to lead me on or play any games….and wanted to be truthful about how he felt. It just wasn’t the October argument he had been noticing his feelings start tto change in June when he gave the ultimatum, and that’s why he wanted to close the distance between us because he thought it would be better. And then he started having second thoughts in Sept Oct, when he just felt that we weren’t changing and growing together. It just hurt me so much because I really felt that we were building towards something, here we are two years long distance and finally about to make everything come true and bring our love closer yet he pushes me away. Yes we do look at things differently, yes our intimacy and college was very different (I wanted it way more than he did , which started to make him think that’s what I mainly focused on), long distance tolls (not being able to talk all hours of the day, I would often be tired at times working late and erratic shifts), but I thought we were still in love equally. We later meet on Friday after Thanksgiving (Black Friday indeed), and he tells me that he still wants to be friends…he still considers me his Best Friend and that he isn’t walking completely out of my life, he will always treasure our relationship as each others first loves…etc. And that right now he needs to work on myself. I wanted to protest this to break down and cry and scream, but I just agreed this was the best for us at this time. The problem is I don’t feel this way at all…I am pretty much dying inside, and I wish I could have cried out more…we hugged and kissed and then were on our ways. He called me a week later to see how I was doing, and to let me know he was thinking of me and would always care about my life asked me about my work prospects and jobs I applied to there in D.C…..I called the next week to wish him a Happy Birthday (made the mistake of almost going down there for it, let him know I changed my mind because it might not be a good idea this soon,) I regret this…now but after that we haven’t talked now in two weeks. I miss him desperately, and want to know what I should do..is it done for good. We didn’t end badly but he seemed so concrete of everything almost as if more than one person was in his here. I tried to say everything I tried to hold on, but in the end he just let go, said there was not enough time between now and March to try to catch up and that his job was getting even busier around now. Please help me I have cried everyday and feel so so sad. I do believe he is the one for me and I am willing to step up on my end….what is a girl to do? Can I make him see, should I call again? It's been 2 weeks N.C. Although I feel hurt I still love and want to be with him……Does it seem like there is no chance at all? He relaly sat down and thought about it for a while but it makes no sense that this was coming..I was just about to move there.....
january2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Wow - that was a lot to read through! I'm sorry to say but I think that it sounds like he's had misgivings for a while now and had already started to distance himself from the relationship both mentally and emotionally. You're in pain. It's tough, but you need to maintain NC to give yourself a chance to heal and get on with your life. You may think that if only you had an opportunity to have a real talk with him and tell him how you feel then you will get another chance, but in all probability it won't work out that way. He's had a long time to think about it and he's made up his mind. Trust me, you don't want him to take you back out of pity - you'll end up even more hurt than you are now when it doesn't work out.
shocked_confused Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Holy smokesss....your story is exactly like mine, your the first person on here who has a freakishly similar story to mine. My bf broke up with me at the beginning of november after almost 6 years together. We started dating in college when we were 18 and broke up at 24. We were long distance during our last year together but he was only 3 hours away so we could see eachother every other weekend. However, in October he got a job way down south, putting us 20 hours from each other. Anyway, a few weeks after he got down there, he told me he felt our love wasn't the same anymore like your bf, and he doesn't know how he feels and he wanted to experience life on his own and meet new people. I haven't really talked to him much since. We're at over 5 weeks NC. I don't think he's coming back. Anyway, point is, I know exactlyyyy what you are going through right now. As the poster before me said (i think), the best thing you can do right now for yourself is go completely NC, as you have been doing. It's been 5 weeks NC for me and I feel so much better then I initially did. Don't wait around for him, he's probably going to want to be alone for a while. For now do what's best for you, which is focusing on yourself, your career, and your friends/family. I've been going out with my friends a lot lately, and if it weren't for them, who knows how i'd be feeling. You should do the same, and I'm sure you have been. Keep living. I wish you the best of luck and i hope you feel better soon! Keep us posted on your progress
suddendumpee Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 his feelings start to change in June when he gave the ultimatum, and that’s why he wanted to close the distance between us because he thought it would be better. And then he started having second thoughts in Sept Oct, when he just felt that we weren’t changing and growing together. We later meet on Friday after Thanksgiving (Black Friday indeed), and he tells me that he still wants to be friends... Translation: He met a new and interesting girl in June. He realized he had fallen in love with her in October....BUT he wants to keep you on a short leash just in case things don't work out. I'm sorry, but love transcends distance and petty arguments...also, rarely does one leave a LTR to be single. There is almost always something on the back burner waiting to become the main course...He is a coward and not telling you the truth IMO. When someone doesn't have anything to hide, breakups are mature and blameless. It seems he is blaming you quite a bit so no doubt he is covering up some guilt. Move on. He is a POS.
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