Not setting a sexual tone on dates

[anned80]

Wow StarGazer - you sound extremely defensive!

 

I actually do enjoy dating and potentially want a relationship with somone at some point. According to some of OGs posts she is also fine with casual sex but is still also dating.

 

You don't even know me. Her posts sound much like my frame of mind in terms of sex and how she is acting on a first date. I was just making that comparison. I never said anything about her wanting a FWB relationship.

 

Just because I have a FWB relationship with someone doesn't mean I can't date other people until I find someone I want to be with. A girl has needs. I hate the double standard. SO many men operate this way and the world doesn't bat an eyelash but when I talk about enjoying sex and wanting a casual sex partner it's like the world is collapsing.

[Star Gazer]

Wow StarGazer - you sound extremely defensive!

 

I actually do enjoy dating and potentially want a relationship with somone at some point. According to some of OGs posts she is also fine with casual sex but is still also dating.

 

You don't even know me. Her posts sound much like my frame of mind in terms of sex and how she is acting on a first date. I was just making that comparison. I never said anything about her wanting a FWB relationship.

 

Just because I have a FWB relationship with someone doesn't mean I can't date other people until I find someone I want to be with. A girl has needs. I hate the double standard. SO many men operate this way and the world doesn't bat an eyelash but when I talk about enjoying sex and wanting a casual sex partner it's like the world is collapsing.

 

Not defensive, just protective. I believe you're trying to encourage her to join you down your casual sex path. That would not be good for her at all.

 

YOU don't know OG. Those of us who've been here, do. Her posts sound nothing like you. What I know is what you've posted. You enjoy casual sex with multiple people. Like most women, she's not built that way.

 

I don't think any self-respecting man would date a woman who currently has multiple FWBs.

[USMCHokie]

I don't think any self-respecting man would date a woman who currently has multiple FWBs.

 

Quoted for truth.

[anned80]

In all fairness you don't actually know her unless you have met her in person. You know the person she is online.

 

I was not suggesting anything of the sort and isn't she 32 - can't she make her own decisions? It is clear from some of her posts that she is okay with casual sex (remember her talking about guy #1). I was merely saying that if she is SO focused on the physical when on dates perhaps it would be helpful to be getting some regularly until she finds someone.

 

So what you're trying to say is that if I want to have casual sex I can't date at all? What is the point of it then? I go on A LOT of first dates - all the time. Two-four week. I'm not going to give up casual sex after one date with someone! Thats stupid. I guarantee that half the men I'm going out with are doing the same thing. We are adults. People like sex. It is normal. It is natural. I think we are just from two different schools of thought - you sound more conservative.

[EasyHeart]

I definitely do not have low self esteem. I think for me it is almost a control thing in a way.

Kinda contradicting yourself there. . . .

[Star Gazer]

In all fairness you don't actually know her unless you have met her in person. You know the person she is online.

 

You've been here a very short time, Anne. Stop thinking we can't know someone online and what they're looking for when they have thousands of posts to their credit (she had another name).

 

So what you're trying to say is that if I want to have casual sex I can't date at all? What is the point of it then? I go on A LOT of first dates - all the time. Two-four week.

 

Do you tell these first dates that you're currently engaged in a FWB relationship with someone? If so, do they still want to date you? If you say yes, I suspect you're not being honest. NO SELF-RESPECTING MAN will want to romantically date a woman who's having casual sex with someone else.

[Star Gazer]

Quoted for truth.

 

Kinda contradicting yourself there. . . .

 

Men's opinions, Anne. Take note.

[northern_sky]

some of the moral posturing in this thread is hilarious...

[EasyHeart]

Do you tell these first dates that you're currently engaged in a FWB relationship with someone? If so, do they still want to date you? If you say yes, I suspect you're not being honest. NO SELF-RESPECTING MAN will want to romantically date a woman who's having casual sex with someone else.

We've had an abundance of threads on this topic, and I think it's fair to say that adult, relationship-minded men are not interested in dating women who are engaged in FWB or casual sex-type situations. Not that the women should be imprisoned or cast into eternal damnation, just that it's usually a dealbreaker.

 

But I don't doubt that there are men out there who would have no problem screwing a woman who is screwing other men. But you're always going to be at the bottom of his list. I don't see why anyone would want to do that to themselves, but it's certainly their choice. Just like it's my choice to run away from them as fast as I can.

[Star Gazer]

We've had an abundance of threads on this topic, and I think it's fair to say that adult, relationship-minded men are not interested in dating women who are engaged in FWB or casual sex-type situations. Not that the women should be imprisoned or cast into eternal damnation, just that it's usually a dealbreaker.

 

But I don't doubt that there are men out there who would have no problem screwing a woman who is screwing other men. But you're always going to be at the bottom of his list. I don't see why anyone would want to do that to themselves, but it's certainly their choice. Just like it's my choice to run away from them as fast as I can.

 

You're so right, EA. It's definitely her choice. I just don't think it's a wise one.

[USMCHokie]

I guarantee that half the men I'm going out with are doing the same thing.

 

You're so right, EA. It's definitely her choice. I just don't think it's a wise one.

 

Yes, indeed it is one's choice. And it seems her observations are consistent with her own values. She is only going to attract men who view sex in the same way as she does. And those men who believe sex is synonymous with an exclusive relationship will simply be turned off by her. Simple enough. She's only going to get what she herself offers.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, indeed it is one's choice. And it seems her observations are consistent with her own values. She is only going to attract men who view sex in the same way as she does. And those men who believe sex is synonymous with an exclusive relationship will simply be turned off by her. Simple enough. She's only going to get what she herself offers.

 

Now HERE, truer words have never been spoken.

[anned80]

But, I think what you aren't understanding is that I don't want a relationship. I'm dating to have fun. I feel very empowered emotionally and sexually right now. There are a lot of men my age who casually date. It doesn't mean I'm sleeping around (per my other post i've been single for 7 months and have only had 2 sex partners). But dating can be fun. That's what I'm trying to do right now.

 

I was in a completely sexless marriage for 3 years. I was in a relationship for 10 years. I missed all the crazy times that people normally have in their early adult life. I feel like I deserve this and I'm being safe about it. Men do this ALL THE TIME.

 

That's the thing - I'm not on the bottom of their list. I don't care basically. The sex is mutual. I'm using them as much as they are using me.

[tigressA]

But, I think what you aren't understanding is that I don't want a relationship. I'm dating to have fun. I feel very empowered emotionally and sexually right now. There are a lot of men my age who casually date. It doesn't mean I'm sleeping around (per my other post i've been single for 7 months and have only had 2 sex partners). But dating can be fun. That's what I'm trying to do right now.

 

I was in a completely sexless marriage for 3 years. I was in a relationship for 10 years. I missed all the crazy times that people normally have in their early adult life. I feel like I deserve this and I'm being safe about it. Men do this ALL THE TIME.

 

That's the thing - I'm not on the bottom of their list. I don't care basically. The sex is mutual. I'm using them as much as they are using me.

 

Yes, and what you aren't understanding is that YOUR situation is NOT relevant to the OP. You aren't looking for a relationship, and she is.

[tigressA]

OG, with your recent statements about not really knowing who you are, I agree with NoLongerSad--you really shouldn't be dating at all right now. I don't see how it's helping. I think it's just exacerbating your issues.

 

But since your thread is about tips on how to not set a sexual tone on (early) dates--though you may enjoy getting physical, if you want a LTR the fact is that you must control yourself. It's difficult for me too; I do really like being physically intimate, having sex, and it's harder to resist when you're out with someone with whom sparks are really flying.

 

One thing that would really help is staying away from alcohol on your dates, since it tends to lower one's inhibitions. Communicate interest in other ways--ask questions, smile a lot, lots of eye contact. Be engaging without "engaging" (physically). Not staying out too late is another idea. What about transportation? Do the guys usually pick you up or do you each find your own way there? Perhaps you should drive yourself to and from early dates. This would prevent lingering together in a car/wherever else, when things could possibly heat up.

[Star Gazer]

But, I think what you aren't understanding is that I don't want a relationship.

 

What you're not understanding is that OG does want a relationship, so what you do to avoid a relationship and just have fun isn't going to work for her.