moonlight123 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 My ex boyfriend is currently engaged to his girlfriend. They have been engaged 8 months but with no concrete plans of marriage, but the expectation that they will one day get married. I am still in love with him and have found it very difficult to move on. I decided to tell him about my feelings and let him make an honest informed decision about whether to continue with her or try things out with me. He has been with her for over 2 years and was with me for a few months. Since I've told him my feelings for him he has admitted his feelings for me. He has claimed that he loves me but the history with her overpowers the history he has with me. He lived with her for about a year. We never lived together or anything. He claims he still loves me but is already engaged and cannot leave her. He said this is not an easy decision to make, but that he must make it. He has met up with me in person without her knowledge to talk about this. She recently has gotten her visa to come to this country to see if she likes it here and wants to stay and get married eventually. She has uprooted herself to try and make things work with him. She has no friends and no family here. Just him. She will stay here for 3-6 months and they will decide whether it will work out or not. He said that he doesn't know what will happen between them but that there is a possibility they may not work out in the end and he will become available. He told me not to expect it but that that it could happen. I told him that I need to get myself out there and date others in case they end up married. This way I can meet someone else who is available and not get hurt. He agreed with me but I could tell he was very upset about the thought of me dating others. Do you think a. he really loves me or am I his backup plan b. he loves her and loves me both but cannot back out of his commitment c. anything else Please let me know. I don't want to wait around for him but I want everyone else's opinion.
fooled once Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 My ex boyfriend is currently engaged to his girlfriend. They have been engaged 8 months but with no concrete plans of marriage, but the expectation that they will one day get married. I am still in love with him and have found it very difficult to move on. I decided to tell him about my feelings and let him make an honest informed decision about whether to continue with her or try things out with me. He has been with her for over 2 years and was with me for a few months. Since I've told him my feelings for him he has admitted his feelings for me. He has claimed that he loves me but the history with her overpowers the history he has with me. He lived with her for about a year. We never lived together or anything. He claims he still loves me but is already engaged and cannot leave her. He said this is not an easy decision to make, but that he must make it. He has met up with me in person without her knowledge to talk about this. She recently has gotten her visa to come to this country to see if she likes it here and wants to stay and get married eventually. She has uprooted herself to try and make things work with him. She has no friends and no family here. Just him. She will stay here for 3-6 months and they will decide whether it will work out or not. He said that he doesn't know what will happen between them but that there is a possibility they may not work out in the end and he will become available. He told me not to expect it but that that it could happen. I told him that I need to get myself out there and date others in case they end up married. This way I can meet someone else who is available and not get hurt. He agreed with me but I could tell he was very upset about the thought of me dating others. Do you think a. he really loves me or am I his backup plan b. he loves her and loves me both but cannot back out of his commitment c. anything else Please let me know. I don't want to wait around for him but I want everyone else's opinion. He loves her, you flatter him and if his fiance decides to end the relationship (because he has NO plans to), you would be his fall back option. Why do you continue to torture yourself? He has been with her 2 years. You were only involved for a few months. If he loved you, he would want to be with you and he WOULD be with you. But he has chosen to remain with her - and he has TOLD YOU he plans to remain with her. So there you go. You can continue to pine away for him and watch him get married and start a family while you wait and wait to see if the marriage lasts. Or you can get on with your life. You have the choice.
desertIslandCactus Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Moonlight, it doesn't really matter at this time how he feels. He is with her and has expressed his loyalty to their relationship. I think you have done the right thing in letting him know how you feel, before he marries. But any further contact from either of you, would be inapproprate as long as they're together. If or when they marry, you should definitely let go.
whichwayisup Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 it seems he's made his choice and it is you who is having trouble letting go and also not getting the fact he IS living with someone and engaged. If he didn't love her, he wouldn't be living with her for over a year and together with her for 2 years, and planning on getting married. Sorry to be blunt here, but you hanging onto to him is just hurting yourself. Listen to him, his words. He isn't interested in dumping his fiance to be with you. If you are having so much trouble letting go and moving on, find a therapist to help you cope, teach you how to get him out of your heart.
East7 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 You probably just like competition, why didn't you keep him when you were with him ? Is he more interesting in your eyes now that he has a GF ? Or just because you feel alone and you want to go back ? Probably if he dumps her you will loose interest for him because competition and possessiveness seem to be your real motivations.
alexandria35 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Agree with FO and East, He is not married, he is free to be with whomever he choses and he has chosen his fiance. He likes the idea of someone hanging around in the background just in case he needs some ego stroking later on. Why let that second choice backup plan be you? Because you spent a few months with him? I don't believe either of you are really in love with each other, it takes longer than 3 months to really get to know someone. He is having his girlfreind move in with him and probably getting married. Don't stick around hoping and wishing for his relationship to fail...that's not attractive and it's not good for your own pride and self respect.
carrie999 Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 My ex boyfriend is currently engaged to his girlfriend. They have been engaged 8 months but with no concrete plans of marriage, but the expectation that they will one day get married. I am still in love with him and have found it very difficult to move on. I decided to tell him about my feelings and let him make an honest informed decision about whether to continue with her or try things out with me. He has been with her for over 2 years and was with me for a few months. Since I've told him my feelings for him he has admitted his feelings for me. He has claimed that he loves me but the history with her overpowers the history he has with me. He lived with her for about a year. We never lived together or anything. He claims he still loves me but is already engaged and cannot leave her. He said this is not an easy decision to make, but that he must make it. He has met up with me in person without her knowledge to talk about this. She recently has gotten her visa to come to this country to see if she likes it here and wants to stay and get married eventually. She has uprooted herself to try and make things work with him. She has no friends and no family here. Just him. She will stay here for 3-6 months and they will decide whether it will work out or not. He said that he doesn't know what will happen between them but that there is a possibility they may not work out in the end and he will become available. He told me not to expect it but that that it could happen. I told him that I need to get myself out there and date others in case they end up married. This way I can meet someone else who is available and not get hurt. He agreed with me but I could tell he was very upset about the thought of me dating others. Do you think a. he really loves me or am I his backup plan b. he loves her and loves me both but cannot back out of his commitment c. anything else Please let me know. I don't want to wait around for him but I want everyone else's opinion. I have not read any further, but I'm going for option C because he has made it very clear to you that you are not his priority. From your description of the situation, he is very happy to know that you are waiting in the wings in case she doesn't choose him. Even if she does, he may want you to be there "just in case." Based solely upon what you have said about this man, RUN!!!!! If he was committed to her and in love, and later discovered it didn't work out and sought you out, it would be one thing. But he's keeping you there on the back burner, and that says everything about where his head and heart are. Don't stick around in hopes that she will leave him. Even if she does and he comes back to you, it's likely that he'll have another woman (or women) in the background. You can do better than this, and you deserve better than him.
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