jj33 Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 Actually if this guy hadnt left before and gone back I would agree with JW even tho he is being provocative. But in the OPs case she has been down this road before and why wait until February? Why not just wait until after the holidays and leave in January if you are serious about it. February can turn into not until after easter, not until June not until September. There are always reasons for things to be delayed. If you arent 1000% ready to divorce, its never a good time to do it.
Author siuys Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 hi all, hope you all had a nice xmas. I did, actually with my sister and a couple of girlfriends. I am not waiting for xMM as such. I am just reading his emails and see what he does or doesn't do. I am not sure where things will go so I take it one day at a time. And Confused is right, xMM is just one confused sod at the moment. He is STILL at home so it's still all talk, and it doesn't matter whether it's february or march or whenever. Support him? Why? coz I haven't had enough pain already having been thrown under the bus twice? Just because he may have finally realised what he wants? And I have to be there now when I was there all along? He has to go through his D by himself if that is what he wants to do. He cannot use me as a crutch and then cast me aside whenever he feels like it. He's done that before and I must say that has been keeping me away from him and not responding. If he's too afraid or weak to face the music, well then, I don't want a chicken **** as a partner. If in a few months time he has spent time on his own, moving forward and not waffling then maybe I'll be there. Right now, I honestly don't feel like being hurt again. And I think he knows it.
Fieldsofgold Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 hi all, hope you all had a nice xmas. I did, actually with my sister and a couple of girlfriends. I am not waiting for xMM as such. I am just reading his emails and see what he does or doesn't do. I am not sure where things will go so I take it one day at a time. And Confused is right, xMM is just one confused sod at the moment. He is STILL at home so it's still all talk, and it doesn't matter whether it's february or march or whenever. Support him? Why? coz I haven't had enough pain already having been thrown under the bus twice? Just because he may have finally realised what he wants? And I have to be there now when I was there all along? He has to go through his D by himself if that is what he wants to do. He cannot use me as a crutch and then cast me aside whenever he feels like it. He's done that before and I must say that has been keeping me away from him and not responding. If he's too afraid or weak to face the music, well then, I don't want a chicken **** as a partner. If in a few months time he has spent time on his own, moving forward and not waffling then maybe I'll be there. Right now, I honestly don't feel like being hurt again. And I think he knows it. Wow. Good for you!
silverplanets Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Christmas, New Year, Valentines and Birthdays ... surely all classic times for all those people who are "trapped" in their marriages to try and get an ego stroke ... Sadly, I would suggest that they still get their stroke if you don't reply ... they tell themselves that because a) the email didn't get bounced and b) that you didn't reject them in a clear cut fashion (by forwarding to their spouse) ... you must still have feelings for them ... and so that allows them to carry on telling themselves that they are "trapped" but someone out there loves them ... etc, etc, blah, blah ... And that's their ego stroked ... using you without your permission. On a personal level this really peeved me off eventually ... how dare they use me as their excuse by proxy for feeling sorry for themsleves ... it deflected from them accepting the real reason why I didn't want to see them .. because I found their behaviour to me to be unacceptable. FUll stop. It's still them using you at the end of the day imho. It helps to spot the patterns (which they can't see) and predict their ego stroking to yourself before it happens ... once you realise that you kinda realise it's just a basic "ego validation" instruction loop they are caught in ... and who want's a relationship with an instruction loop??? It also helps to realise that all the rest of the time their ego IS getting it's validation from it's existing sources (their wife, their job, blah, blah, blah) ... you're just the "stroke" when all others fail (as it were). Anyway, just thoughts, not having a go at your xMM ... just pointing out a way of thinking about it (not saying it's right) be safe Chris
Author siuys Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 hi chris, hope you had a merry xmas... gosh time flies... i understand what you're saying. i honestly am only trying to move forward. i know i still have hope, and the best i can do at this point in time is ignore him. that's already a lot for me. whether he's using me or if it's an ego stroke I don't know. all i am concentrating on is surviving this process, work on myself, so that i get to the point that i don't really mind if he is in my life or not (in my head). this process is new to me, and no one way is the correct way. i am not ready to block all his communication, and i don't want to tell his wife as i find that vindictive. i can only do what i can do at any given point. stroke or not, that's his thing. i am not angry, i am only trying to get through the next day without contact, and move towards a good space for me.
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