xMM broke NC again

[siuys]

Hi all, third email in a week. This time telling me he is 'separated' from his W (i assume separate bedroom) and says he will physically move out in Feb after his mother has gone back overseas.

 

bla bla bla bla bla

 

Until he's been on his own for a while and has filed, there is nothing to talk about.

 

So off i go, continue to live my life.

[fooled once]

Please set up his emails to immediately go to your trash.

 

He is showing you how little he respects you by NOT doing as you asked - leaving you alone.

 

He is fishing - he wants you to jump up and down and invite him over.

 

He is lots of talk and no action. Pathetic really.

 

Hang in there.

[siuys]

I am not there yet and can't do it. I know I will just go to Trash and look for them so I will just be playing games with myself. I will just ignore. As long as I am continuing my life I am ok. Plus if he's fishing, or doing whatever he is doing, especially bad things, it gives me a perspective of what the man is like, not what I thought he was.... but thanks. Just can't do it yet...

[calliope]

Hang in there siuys. You've shown amazing restraint, you're one tough cookie!!

[thissecretgirl]

I am not there yet and can't do it. I know I will just go to Trash and look for them so I will just be playing games with myself. I will just ignore. As long as I am continuing my life I am ok. Plus if he's fishing, or doing whatever he is doing, especially bad things, it gives me a perspective of what the man is like, not what I thought he was.... but thanks. Just can't do it yet...

 

This would be me Siuys. best do what you can handle otherwise you are setting yourself up for a fall.

I think the important thing is to know what you want out of this NC and focus on that. INHO people sometimes follow it to stringently that they forget exactly what the outcome is that they wanted to achieve in the first place. I mean is it to cut ties completely, split up or to actually end up with the man you love. I say this because i dont think no contact is an exact science that can be applied in the same way to everyone and have the same effect.

 

I will possibly get flamed for this but I will say it anyway, because its only my own opinion, but I would actually reply to this email. But it would only be a one liner. It would say something to the effect of thats really good news and that I look forward to speaking to him in February once its all in place. Until then I will continue to have no contact.

 

Carrot and sticks yanno. A carrot now and again might actually help.

 

Why? Well you know him better than anyone, but if it was me and I had found the strength to separate from my spouse and genuinely intended to leave, I would need a little support and to see some positive indication that the other person still wanted me.

 

As I say you know him better. I just think that sometimes applying no contact like an exact science doesnt work; it could just as easily be taken as "I dont give a s**t", as is in my own case.

 

I wish you huge amounts luck and happiness whatever happens.

 

ps. I did the sad song crying too, but now just dont listen to them. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. Now I try dancing to upbeat instead lol

[siuys]

Calli, I am not. I got to this stage with the help of friends, people on this forum (specifically two, you know who you are and I am forever grateful). NC and IC have helped a lot. I also realised my own fear of being alone, and my own neediness which, not so surprisingly, attracted the same thing i.e. xMM. In a way, we're both on the same journey, but i think he is more fearful than I as I have not been in a M for close to 20 years so I have had breaks. The other thing that keeps me away is also I now know I want to enter a healthy R, and not come from a position of neediness and expect my R to fulfil me. And I want the other person to come from a healthy position also. If I walk back into the situation now, I walk straight back into dysfunction. All of that keeps me from contacting him.

[Confused4Now]

This would be me Siuys. best do what you can handle otherwise you are setting yourself up for a fall.

I think the important thing is to know what you want out of this NC and focus on that. INHO people sometimes follow it to stringently that they forget exactly what the outcome is that they wanted to achieve in the first place. I mean is it to cut ties completely, split up or to actually end up with the man you love. I say this because i dont think no contact is an exact science that can be applied in the same way to everyone and have the same effect.

 

I will possibly get flamed for this but I will say it anyway, because its only my own opinion, but I would actually reply to this email. But it would only be a one liner. It would say something to the effect of thats really good news and that I look forward to speaking to him in February once its all in place. Until then I will continue to have no contact.

 

Carrot and sticks yanno. A carrot now and again might actually help.

 

Why? Well you know him better than anyone, but if it was me and I had found the strength to separate from my spouse and genuinely intended to leave, I would need a little support and to see some positive indication that the other person still wanted me.

 

As I say you know him better. I just think that sometimes applying no contact like an exact science doesnt work; it could just as easily be taken as "I dont give a s**t", as is in my own case.

 

I wish you huge amounts luck and happiness whatever happens.

 

ps. I did the sad song crying too, but now just dont listen to them. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. Now I try dancing to upbeat instead lol

I totally agree with your NC thought...however MM did separate from his wife for 6 months the first time when he was with OW. So to give him anything right now would still show he got a reaction from her. I say he moves out and files paper before any dialog happens. I also believe she made it clear to. She's asking for those 2 things.

 

Just my thought...he's already shown he waffles back and forth. Like GEL would say...I would be by his side if he had a clear cut direction he was going. But the fact that he's been waffling all bets are off.

[siuys]

Secretgirl,

 

I will tell you why I won't reply. You are right, because i know him (well, as much as one can know another person in 10 months). I know that he is afraid to be on his own. We had an agreement to touch base when he has moved out and has moved forward SIGNIFICANTLY and he's not there yet. He SAID he's going to move out in Feb. It is HIS journey, not mine. I have enough to do for myself. He has to want to leave his M for him, whether I am around or not. Now is NOT the time for support as he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. You may not know the whole story but he WAS separated, and for 6 months before moving back home. I don't think he ever dealt with his issues until perhaps now. I don't want to be his catalyst or therapist or crutch. I want someone with strength and clarity. If he is scared that I won't be around anymore by the time that he is done, then he's not the type of man I want. This is a risk he must simply take.

 

Thank you for your kind words and all the best and have a great Xmas.

[whichwayisup]

Hi all, third email in a week. This time telling me he is 'separated' from his W (i assume separate bedroom) and says he will physically move out in Feb after his mother has gone back overseas.

 

bla bla bla bla bla

 

Until he's been on his own for a while and has filed, there is nothing to talk about.

 

So off i go, continue to live my life.

 

Time will tell if he is just saying this, keeping you informed (getting your hopes up) so you'll wait around for him and he's actually doing what he's saying (doing and going to do are 2 different things) or if he is just hoping that is what'll happen.

 

Part I bolded..Does he know this? If so, then it makes no sense of him to keep you informed of what he's up to.

[jwi71]

I will tell you why I won't reply. You are right, because i know him (well, as much as one can know another person in 10 months). I know that he is afraid to be on his own. We had an agreement to touch base when he has moved out and has moved forward SIGNIFICANTLY and he's not there yet.

 

This is why he contacts you - you TOLD him to.

Stop saying he broke NC when NC was NEVER the deal. It was contact me when <<insert condition here>>.

 

Having said that, there is nothing you can do since you a) want a future with him and b) in order to achieve said future he MUST contact you. So, keep reading the emails and when YOU are convinced he has jumped through enough hoops for you - reply and begin a legitimate R.

 

He SAID he's going to move out in Feb. It is HIS journey, not mine. I have enough to do for myself. He has to want to leave his M for him, whether I am around or not. Now is NOT the time for support as he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet.

 

This is a great way to view it.

But if you think that his moving out in Feb puts him in a healthy place I've got a rare snipe-skin coat I'll sell you cheap. It will take him MONTHS to adjust...at least 6 as you remind us below. So you are NOT having any type of "real and healthy" R until at least next Autumn. At the earliest.

 

Set verifiable conditions to accept him back. If I may, what are they?

 

Best luck to you...maybe he will deliver and maybe not. Have you decided at what point you will forever walk and institute NC?

[Pokemon]

You really have to ignore this POS, Siuys.

 

Maybe go away for awhile, hang with friends and family and stuff.

 

Reading these stories makes me feel so angry nowadays. The MM is always so selfish with their own needs. You have to protect your own needs. If you contact him, you'll be back to square one and repeating the same deadly cycle. It will never get better.

 

I think cutting off a bad relationship is analogous to amputating a diseased part of yourself. It hurts like hell and doesn't feel natural in the beginning. But once the healing starts, you'll feel so much better that you've done it.

[siuys]

hi all, thanks for your comments and support/concern.

 

It was never total NC coz of the way it 'ended'. I was not ready back then for total NC as in FINISH IT. After two weeks of NC I was tempted to contact him to tell him it's ALL OVER FOREVER but I was not ready to do that plus I'd be breaking NC and it wouldn't have helped me.

 

Life situations are fluid, and 24 days ago I could not have known that I will be where I will be. I did not know if I could maintain NC. I do not know how long I can maintain NC. I can only go from day to day. NC means diff things to diff people. Some say I read his emails so not real NC. Some say NC means deleting him. Some say it means a break. I don't know what the exact definition is for me – I just know that I maintain it to keep my sanity and not walk back into the toxic situation. I also do it to break the cycle of the addiction. I also do it to see if xMM would actually DO anything. As things are fluid, I do NOT know what I would do in Feb, or what he would do in Feb, or how I would feel in Feb. I tackle it as things happen. I just know that my goal is to work on myself, move forward to a healthy state of mind, and only re-enter the R if the conditions are right. Although I love him, I am much closer today to be able to let it go than 24 days ago. So in another 24 days, I think I would be further again with maybe a few hiccups, who knows.

 

Conditions to accept him back: at this stage it's on his own for 6 months, for him to continue IC, and having filed for divorce. Ask me in 2 months it may be different. Right now, it's that. I have thought about also that it would be good for ME to be on my own for 6 months so it may come to that also. Not about him, but about me. So all I can say is time will tell.

[spice4life]

hi all, thanks for your comments and support/concern.

 

It was never total NC coz of the way it 'ended'. I was not ready back then for total NC as in FINISH IT. After two weeks of NC I was tempted to contact him to tell him it's ALL OVER FOREVER but I was not ready to do that plus I'd be breaking NC and it wouldn't have helped me.

 

Life situations are fluid, and 24 days ago I could not have known that I will be where I will be. I did not know if I could maintain NC. I do not know how long I can maintain NC. I can only go from day to day. NC means diff things to diff people. Some say I read his emails so not real NC. Some say NC means deleting him. Some say it means a break. I don't know what the exact definition is for me – I just know that I maintain it to keep my sanity and not walk back into the toxic situation. I also do it to break the cycle of the addiction. I also do it to see if xMM would actually DO anything. As things are fluid, I do NOT know what I would do in Feb, or what he would do in Feb, or how I would feel in Feb. I tackle it as things happen. I just know that my goal is to work on myself, move forward to a healthy state of mind, and only re-enter the R if the conditions are right. Although I love him, I am much closer today to be able to let it go than 24 days ago. So in another 24 days, I think I would be further again with maybe a few hiccups, who knows.

 

Conditions to accept him back: at this stage it's on his own for 6 months, for him to continue IC, and having filed for divorce. Ask me in 2 months it may be different. Right now, it's that. I have thought about also that it would be good for ME to be on my own for 6 months so it may come to that also. Not about him, but about me. So all I can say is time will tell.

 

I've been following your story and just want to say that I think you're a fabulous job. I've seen how you have struggled through this and wow, now look where you are. And you're right, NC means different things to people and you're doing in a way that is working for you. You have given yourself the space and time you need to gain clarity in this situation and each thread you write shows how much stronger you are becoming.

 

You're evolving to a place that is better for you and I think it's great! Keep up the good work and I hope you find the peace and answers you are looking for. It's an inspiration to see someone take the necessary steps to help them get to a place where an unhealthy relationship is unacceptable. Thanks for posting, you're story is helping others who are struggling I'm sure.

[East7]

Calli, I am not. I got to this stage with the help of friends, people on this forum (specifically two, you know who you are and I am forever grateful). NC and IC have helped a lot. I also realised my own fear of being alone, and my own neediness which, not so surprisingly, attracted the same thing i.e. xMM. In a way, we're both on the same journey, but i think he is more fearful than I as I have not been in a M for close to 20 years so I have had breaks. The other thing that keeps me away is also I now know I want to enter a healthy R, and not come from a position of neediness and expect my R to fulfil me. And I want the other person to come from a healthy position also. If I walk back into the situation now, I walk straight back into dysfunction. All of that keeps me from contacting him.

 

 

Very good insight Siuys !

The fog is vanishing and you can see clearly now.

 

Whatever he decides for his M, it is HIS job. As far as I know, it doesn't work to want to support OP to divorce, that's a big mistake.

As you say it you are not his shrink or therapist either, he is a grown up boy and if he decides to leave his marriage it has nothing to do with you, he has to want it without you in the picture.

 

Having heard part of your story, my guts tell me that he is serving you a cookie to see if you enjoy it and get sucked back. Don't trust anything that is just words. You have no proof whatsoever that he is separated. Waiting for mama to go ? So what's next...., waiting for the son to be 18, then to finish college ? Let him fix his mess alone and move on with your life.

He threw you under the bus and now he has the nerve to tell you he is moving out of the M. He is just not reliable.

[calliope]

Calli, I am not. I got to this stage with the help of friends, people on this forum (specifically two, you know who you are and I am forever grateful). NC and IC have helped a lot. I also realised my own fear of being alone, and my own neediness which, not so surprisingly, attracted the same thing i.e. xMM. In a way, we're both on the same journey, but i think he is more fearful than I as I have not been in a M for close to 20 years so I have had breaks. The other thing that keeps me away is also I now know I want to enter a healthy R, and not come from a position of neediness and expect my R to fulfil me. And I want the other person to come from a healthy position also. If I walk back into the situation now, I walk straight back into dysfunction. All of that keeps me from contacting him.

I think you're doing a great job. When I first came here, you were on Day 10 NC. I can easily see how far you've come from your posts throughout. Every day you're getting stronger. Of course you're going to have bumps in the road, none of us expects smooth sailing - the relationships weren't straightforward, why should the endings be?

 

I hope you have a wonderful holiday, siuys. You deserve it.... <hug>

[half_ofa_heart]

Calli, I am not. I got to this stage with the help of friends, people on this forum (specifically two, you know who you are and I am forever grateful). NC and IC have helped a lot. I also realised my own fear of being alone, and my own neediness which, not so surprisingly, attracted the same thing i.e. xMM. In a way, we're both on the same journey, but i think he is more fearful than I as I have not been in a M for close to 20 years so I have had breaks. The other thing that keeps me away is also I now know I want to enter a healthy R, and not come from a position of neediness and expect my R to fulfil me. And I want the other person to come from a healthy position also. If I walk back into the situation now, I walk straight back into dysfunction. All of that keeps me from contacting him.

 

Siuys... Merry Christmas Eve. I can only hope to be as strong as you are being right now. I not only brok NC but met up with my MM yesterday but I will start my own thread for that. This is for you... You are doing great and are winning the battle between your head and your heart. You are doing what's best for you all the way around. keep focused on the prize which is a happy you. have a wonderful day

[endlessness]

Siuys, I'm so glad to see that you're doing so well. I remember how shaky you were in the very beginning of your NC experience, so it's wonderful to see that now you're truly focusing on what YOU want out of life and taking definitive steps to achieve it. I think you're on the right path and it's a great way to start the New Year!

[siuys]

Having heard part of your story, my guts tell me that he is serving you a cookie to see if you enjoy it and get sucked back. Don't trust anything that is just words. You have no proof whatsoever that he is separated. Waiting for mama to go ? So what's next...., waiting for the son to be 18, then to finish college ? Let him fix his mess alone and move on with your life. He threw you under the bus and now he has the nerve to tell you he is moving out of the M. He is just not reliable.

 

East, thank you for the reminder. I try to remind myself every day that so far, he has done nothing ON HIS OWN to change his situation. I believe I was the catalyst and gave him the strength to move out the first time round. He is on his own now. Time will tell whether he's serving me a cookie or not this time but I'm not buying, not yet anyway. Yes, it's HIS mess, so he can fix it, like all of us have to fix our own mess.

 

I do believe he is a strong person, but I met him at his weakest. But who knows, he may prove me wrong!

 

Let me tell you the fog has lifted but I REALLY appreciate the warning for I have been too idealistic about love, and did not want to see reality during this whole A. So thank you again.

[siuys]

Thank you all for the encouragement and response. All of you have been so important to me throughout this process, and will continue to be. I hope we all get to a great place for ourselves in the not too distant future, and continue to learn and grow from our experiences, however painful, and then be able to look back and smile.

 

Merry Christmas everyone!

[BB07]

Merry Christmas siuys! I hope you find peace of heart in the coming year.

[East7]

East, thank you for the reminder. I try to remind myself every day that so far, he has done nothing ON HIS OWN to change his situation. I believe I was the catalyst and gave him the strength to move out the first time round. He is on his own now. Time will tell whether he's serving me a cookie or not this time but I'm not buying, not yet anyway. Yes, it's HIS mess, so he can fix it, like all of us have to fix our own mess.

 

I do believe he is a strong person, but I met him at his weakest. But who knows, he may prove me wrong!

 

Let me tell you the fog has lifted but I REALLY appreciate the warning for I have been too idealistic about love, and did not want to see reality during this whole A. So thank you again.

 

Merry Christmas Siuys !

 

Whether his intentions are genuine or not, there is nothing you can do for him. Yes A-s are often the catalyst to take decisions but the state of limbo may go on for months and years and it is a luxury to wait. Life is too short to wait something that you have no guarantee to happen. He knows where to find you, he knows how you feel for him, if you tell him "nothing will happen until divorce" he will think you are waiting for his D, so he will be comforted. Don't forget he is with his family around the Xmas tree.

Enjoy yourself instead of wondering

[calliope]

Merry Christmas Siuys !

 

Whether his intentions are genuine or not, there is nothing you can do for him. Yes A-s are often the catalyst to take decisions but the state of limbo may go on for months and years and it is a luxury to wait. Life is too short to wait something that you have no guarantee to happen. He knows where to find you, he knows how you feel for him, if you tell him "nothing will happen until divorce" he will think you are waiting for his D, so he will be comforted. Don't forget he is with his family around the Xmas tree.

Enjoy yourself instead of wondering

This is very good advice for many of us...thank you East...have a wonderful holiday!

[jwi71]

Merry Christmas Siuys !

 

Whether his intentions are genuine or not, there is nothing you can do for him. Yes A-s are often the catalyst to take decisions but the state of limbo may go on for months and years and it is a luxury to wait. Life is too short to wait something that you have no guarantee to happen. He knows where to find you, he knows how you feel for him, if you tell him "nothing will happen until divorce" he will think you are waiting for his D, so he will be comforted. Don't forget he is with his family around the Xmas tree.

Enjoy yourself instead of wondering

 

I'd like to play devil's advocate here for a bit and point out another conundrum.

 

Why WOULDN'T one be available to the MM/MW during this time?

Why would the OM/OW sit back when their MM/MW needs them the most?

 

Couldn't one argue that is PRECISELY the time to step up and BE available and to BE reassuring? What message does it send, when asked to wait, the OW/OM bails?

 

Why disappear? It seems so odd, when on the cusp of victory one walks away. (Its just a phrase so don't read too much into my choice of words.)

 

Just food for thought...

[Confused4Now]

I'd like to play devil's advocate here for a bit and point out another conundrum.

 

Why WOULDN'T one be available to the MM/MW during this time?

Why would the OM/OW sit back when their MM/MW needs them the most?

 

Couldn't one argue that is PRECISELY the time to step up and BE available and to BE reassuring? What message does it send, when asked to wait, the OW/OM bails?

 

Why disappear? It seems so odd, when on the cusp of victory one walks away. (Its just a phrase so don't read too much into my choice of words.)

 

Just food for thought...

I would agree with you on that but this MM have moved out and then back home. I don't think he needs any support from his OW right now. All he's showing her is a guy who is pretty confused.

 

The only time I would stand by my AP is when they have shown they are not waffling and moving forward in the right direction when they do what they say and mean what they say.

[East7]

Why WOULDN'T one be available to the MM/MW during this time?

Why would the OM/OW sit back when their MM/MW needs them the most?

 

Couldn't one argue that is PRECISELY the time to step up and BE available and to BE reassuring? What message does it send, when asked to wait, the OW/OM bails?

 

Why disappear? It seems so odd, when on the cusp of victory one walks away. (Its just a phrase so don't read too much into my choice of words.)

 

Just food for thought...

 

Very provocative JW

 

Sure !

 

OW to MM : "Dump me whenever you want but I will support you go through divorce while you are still sleeping with your wife."

 

 

Come on....