flowergirl77 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 So for any of you curious how things are going, I am feeling pretty good, and have made huge leaps over the past few days. I have come to the realization(during my psych.assessment last week) that I was unhappy long before I had my EA, and not all of that was b/c of my H, i have been unhappy and empty inside for as long as I can remember... beginning back in my teens. I have always kept the focus on the men in my life, and being a Mom, and have never found ME, and what makes me happy. I used to think it was up to others to make me happy, my H mainly, but now i see that is an inside job, and I am making baby steps toward making that happen. I need to take responsibility for that regardless of what happens between my H and I. I realize, my EA was an easy escape from my chronic unhappiness, and I wanted to run toward that so desperately, I almost left my family to keep that feeling alive. Now I see that R would not have lasted long, and I would still have ME to deal with after. Then it would be too late to come home, and I would never know if my H and I would have been able to make it. I am almost 5 weeks NC, and he pops in and out of my head throughout the day, but that is a huge improvement from constantly obsessing over him! I am thankful for the shift, I am not sure what has cause it, but I am feeling more hopeful, and not as depressed. I still have a lot of inner work to do, and as well within our MG-but I feel I can at least start with myself and go from there. Merry Christmas to everyone...and thanks for all of the great advice. It really has been my lifeline through this dark spot in my life. Just to know there are others who have gone through this, I know I am not the only one!
Spark1111 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Merry, merry Christmas to you and your family. Be very, very proud of yourself! Five weeks no contact and IC and you have already learned the most profound lesson of all: Learning how to make yourself happy is the key to emotional freedom.
Bittersweetie Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I used to think it was up to others to make me happy, my H mainly, but now i see that is an inside job, and I am making baby steps toward making that happen. I need to take responsibility for that regardless of what happens between my H and I. It certainly took me longer than a few weeks to also come to this conclusion! I, too, thought it was my H's job to make me happy, and when I wasn't, it was his fault. Now I know better. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction, congrats. And Merry Christmas!
Confused4Now Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Merry, merry Christmas to you and your family. Be very, very proud of yourself! Five weeks no contact and IC and you have already learned the most profound lesson of all: Learning how to make yourself happy is the key to emotional freedom.YES I agree this took me almost a whole year but I'm so there...woohoooo!!!
fooled once Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 So for any of you curious how things are going, I am feeling pretty good, and have made huge leaps over the past few days. I have come to the realization(during my psych.assessment last week) that I was unhappy long before I had my EA, and not all of that was b/c of my H, i have been unhappy and empty inside for as long as I can remember... beginning back in my teens. I have always kept the focus on the men in my life, and being a Mom, and have never found ME, and what makes me happy. I used to think it was up to others to make me happy, my H mainly, but now i see that is an inside job, and I am making baby steps toward making that happen. I need to take responsibility for that regardless of what happens between my H and I. I realize, my EA was an easy escape from my chronic unhappiness, and I wanted to run toward that so desperately, I almost left my family to keep that feeling alive. Now I see that R would not have lasted long, and I would still have ME to deal with after. Then it would be too late to come home, and I would never know if my H and I would have been able to make it. I am almost 5 weeks NC, and he pops in and out of my head throughout the day, but that is a huge improvement from constantly obsessing over him! I am thankful for the shift, I am not sure what has cause it, but I am feeling more hopeful, and not as depressed. I still have a lot of inner work to do, and as well within our MG-but I feel I can at least start with myself and go from there. Merry Christmas to everyone...and thanks for all of the great advice. It really has been my lifeline through this dark spot in my life. Just to know there are others who have gone through this, I know I am not the only one! What a marvelous post. And you nailed it -- happiness does come from within. I completely understand about becoming wrapped up in "mom" and "wife" and forgetting about YOU. I found myself doing this in my first marriage. I lost my identity. It is a sad feeling. I also knew when I was on maternity leave after having my child, there was no way I could be a SAHM because I needed the adult interaction, the feelings of validation, etc. I hope the next 5 weeks you see even more 'improvement' within you. I hope 2011 brings you lots of joy, lots of discovery about you and lots of happiness.
bentnotbroken Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 All meaningful change comes from within and it takes strength and courage to go for the gold. But it is so worth it.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 What am I doing to make ME happy today? 1) stuffed 3 butter tarts in my mouth left over from Xmas (couldn't help myself!) 2) Ran on treadmill to burn them off, and get my "happy" endorphins flowing 3)Made a hot cup of tea (sipping while I type) ... Later my H and I are going to watch a movie when the kids are in bed! Christmas was good, and H and I had some good moments. We have a long way to go, and we take it one moment at a time. I am feeling down today now that the "rush" from Christmas is over, and I am once again looking at my life, and feel so stuck. No job is making things really tough, but then I think about WHY I have no job, and it is b/c of my EA. It sucks I am the one who had to lose out in the end and leave my job, but not like I would have expected OM to leave. I do miss him at times, and find I am occasionally triggered by little things that remind me of him, or something he said or did. I want to erase those moments from my memory! I see one difference between my situation and many others on here: My xMM left his wife (not because of me..at least I don't think it was, as he was talking about leaving when we first got to know each other) and I have no bad memories with OM because he always treated me kindly, and nothing transpired between us to help me see he was bad for me! That is what sucks b/c I had to walk away when things felt so good between us-of course I had to to save my marriage, but I wish I had some bad memories to keep the good ones at bay. Anyways, it does get easier this NC thing, let me tell ya. 4 weeks ago I was a basket case that was going to leave my family just so I could be free, and to spend time with OM if I chose to. Now I see what I need to keep doing and am doing it! It was not easy, and I came close many times to picking up the phone or emailing him just to say hi...but I stopped myself. Now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but he is still with me...
East7 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I was unhappy long before I had my EA, and not all of that was b/c of my H, i have been unhappy and empty inside for as long as I can remember... I'm just curious. Your H never made you happy like OM made you in a short lapse of time ? Why did you pick your H ? Because it was "the right thing" ?
siuys Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Glad you had a good xmas, flowergirl. I am sure mm will be with you for a while. Memories are memories - and if they're good, why not just leave them as that. It beats crappy memories. You have done so well, and have moved forward. It's a process. Some days it will be easy, other days difficult. Looks like you have made a committed decision to save your M, which means however pleasant those memories are with xmm, you've gotta just let them be memories. Otherwise you will go back and forth and not make progress. I'm on Day 28 and 28 days ago I was pretty much a basket case also. I still feel the urge to contact xMM but I tell myself, it's about ME now. I need to move forward and concentrate on MY life. Even coming here on LS, I now limit myself to a certain amount of time... All the best in the new year.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 To answer the question "why did I marry my HB?" Yes, we had already had our first child together, and it was the next step to take. As well he was a stepfather to my son from another R-so at the time, it was the ONLY thing to do in my mind. Even though I recall with clarity questioning on my wedding morning "shouldn't I be happier?...I am getting married today!" But I was not necessarily happy with him, we actually had a very rocky R from the beginning. I feel I have not necessarily decided to stay and work on the MG, but I am still here! My feelings/attraction to my HB is still very low, but I am hoping that will change if we keep spending positive time together.
East7 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 But I was not necessarily happy with him, we actually had a very rocky R from the beginning. I feel I have not necessarily decided to stay and work on the MG, but I am still here! My feelings/attraction to my HB is still very low, but I am hoping that will change if we keep spending positive time together. That confirms what I thought, some MP go back to their M because of feeling comfortable and they don't like changes...Who likes changes? Some women are just OK to be with a "reasonably good H" and provider. Nothing else.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 That confirms what I thought, some MP go back to their M because of feeling comfortable and they don't like changes...Who likes changes? Some women are just OK to be with a "reasonably good H" and provider. Nothing else. Well, to be honest- I feel that is what I am and have been doing. The security, that my HB provides me and my kids is enough reason to stay, and was enought reason to marry him. And honestly, given all the changes my HB has made over the past months-I doubt I could ever find a Man to treat me any better. Do I tear apart my kids family unit and security because I don`t feel warm and fuzzy toward their Dad, or do I adult up, and make the decision to stay and make the best of it...tough call.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 I should add here: If my HB was still being emotionally abusive to me, I would not still be here, but he has and is doing the work to change himself. He has done some deep inner work most men would not do (childhood stuff) to figure out why he was abusive and controlling to me. So, if that was still going on, I would have left and moved on by now regardless of the financial security he offers.
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