Stonewall Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) Hi.. I'm new to this forum and I'm wondering when one should ask about exclusive dating. I've gone on 5 dates with this girl whom I know is dating other people. She had been flirting with me, and I expressed that I liked her.. she did as well. I knew her 4 months prior, and we already knew a bit about each other. We just had what I would call instant chemistry. Before I dated her I let her know I just got out of a relationship... and she let me know she's never exclusively dated anybody, or been in any kind of relationship and her dating has never gone beyond a couple of dates. When we talk to each other it has a certain level of intimacy that I have never experienced when dating somebody.... She even said I feel like I'm halfway between a boyfriend and somebody she's dating so obviously she feels that this is a bit different than normal dating. Well anyways... I decided to have that exclusive date talk. What ended up happening is I got nervous and my words got all jumbled up. I think I left her a bit confused, but eventually I made it known that it I wanted to exclusively date in the talk. She didn't know what to say... I left her speechless. She was sitting there just staring at me not saying anything for the longest time. She said that she needed time to process things, and that we'd have this conversation again. Did I jump the gun here? And how big of a turnoff is it if a guy ask's for exclusive dating to early? I understand she has a lot to think about.. I forced her to think about making a decision between the other guys she's dating. I understand this must be and hard process, and unfortunately this is probably the downside to dating more than one person... Today I don't regret my decision but I have the unshakeable feeling that I'm going to get dumped. Edited December 23, 2010 by Stonewall
catgotyourtongue Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Hi.. I'm new to this forum and I'm wondering when one should ask about exclusive dating. I've gone on 5 dates with this girl whom I know is dating other people. She had been flirting with me, and I expressed that I liked her.. she did as well. Well anyways... I decided to have that exclusive date talk. What ended up happening is I got nervous and my words got all jumbled up. I think I left her a bit confused, but eventually I made it known that it I wanted to exclusively date in the talk. She didn't know what to say... I left her speechless. She was sitting there just staring at me not saying anything for the longest time. She said that she needed time to process things, and that we'd have this conversation again. Did I jump the gun here? And how big of a turnoff is it if a guy ask's for exclusive dating to early? going to get dumped. HI While you might have jumped the gun, I think the best policy is honesty. I would way rather someone tell me what they want, flat out, then to wonder, guess, etc. She is a big girl, she can make up her mind. I think you did a respectful thing and you are being true to yourself. If you did not do this, you would have gone along and just been bothered by her multi-dating and other men, perhaps. I actually think that after several dates, 5 seems good, you should know if you want to keep dating that person. Granted, for other people, they might go and date for months, but i think that gets really complicated if you multi-date for too long, if your personal goal is do be with only this person. Then again, it can be the opposite, lol. Often we don't really know someone at all in 5 dates, and you dont get to really know them till many months in, do devils advocate, I guess it could easily backfire. BUT if you know thats what you want from her, than you did the right thing, i think. BE true to you. There is no crime in telling someone you like them, and just them. The world would be a better place if more people did that, and stopped pretending and playing games, and dating every tom, dick and harry out there, lol..Or every mary, martha and sally, lol... Good luck, hope it goes the way you want it, and the way it should
USMCHokie Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 When should you ask about exclusive dating? Before the sexin'. I understand she has a lot to think about.. I forced her to think about making a decision between the other guys she's dating. I understand this must be and hard process, and unfortunately this is probably the downside to dating more than one person... Today I don't regret my decision but I have the unshakeable feeling that I'm going to get dumped. This is all that matters. You are obviously ready to be exclusive with this girl. If she's not on the same page and wants to leave, then that's her loss and she can go off and have a nice life. Like catgotyourtongue said, honesty is the best policy. Dating would be a lot easier if people understood that.
damascus Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 5 dates is enough time to know if you want to move to the next stage with someone. I think many people believe that exclusivity must mean the relationship is getting "serious" and can get a little freaked out by it. Ensuring that you both have the same understanding of what you mean to be exclusive in a dating sense is crucial, i.e. if want it to be exclusive but still just dating, then let her know that as she might think that you want a full on relationship.
DellPickle Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I think you are fine...by asking what you did, it’s not going to make her automatically lose interest in you at all...if she is still interested in you, just not ready to be exclusive then she'll keep seeing you. You asked if she was interested in being exclusive, not to marry her or telling her you love her. So what you did in no way should change how she feels about you and in no way would it ruin anything.
Author Stonewall Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 5 dates is enough time to know if you want to move to the next stage with someone. I think many people believe that exclusivity must mean the relationship is getting "serious" and can get a little freaked out by it. Ensuring that you both have the same understanding of what you mean to be exclusive in a dating sense is crucial, i.e. if want it to be exclusive but still just dating, then let her know that as she might think that you want a full on relationship. Like I said... she has never just dated one person at a time... I think she might be a serial dater... although I hope not.
USCGAviator Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Time to flip it and make her chase you. You say shes a serial dater and you stated that you want her exclusively. She was hesitant to answer you so tell her that you will go on another date when shes done serial dating. Then just do your own thing and play it cool. If you do this in a tactful manner she will be left thinking about you alot more because you stopped chasing her. It may seem silly but it works.
Author Stonewall Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 (edited) Time to flip it and make her chase you. You say shes a serial dater and you stated that you want her exclusively. She was hesitant to answer you so tell her that you will go on another date when shes done serial dating. Then just do your own thing and play it cool. If you do this in a tactful manner she will be left thinking about you alot more because you stopped chasing her. It may seem silly but it works. I was thinking of this actually... I think it could end up miserably if I play my cards wrong. I think she really does like me and I can see it in her actions and words. She told me why she dates like she does, she's shared a lot of things that you'd never imagine somebody would when they're just starting out dating. Remember we started off as friends. Edited December 24, 2010 by Stonewall
Jannah Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Before I dated her I let her know I just got out of a relationship... and she let me know she's never exclusively dated anybody, or been in any kind of relationship and her dating has never gone beyond a couple of dates. Is she a commitment-phobe?
Author Stonewall Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 (edited) Is she a commitment-phobe? She told me why she did this.. She said she had a crush on her friend and she always compared the people she dated to her friend. She didn't want to make a romantic move on her friend because she didn't want to ruin their friendship. Since then he has disapeared from her life anyways. She is also a big fan of "dating rules" after you start a relationship things get a lot more hazy. Edited December 24, 2010 by Stonewall
Jannah Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 She told me why she did this.. She said she had a crush on her friend and she always compared the people she dated to her friend. She didn't want to make a romantic move on her friend because she didn't want to ruin their friendship. If that's the case, you should def reconsider even wanting to be exclusive with her. She is also a big fan of "dating rules" after you start a relationship things get a lot more hazy. I presume it's because of what you said before, that "she's never exclusively dated anybody, or been in any kind of relationship and her dating has never gone beyond a couple of dates".
Author Stonewall Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 If that's the case, you should def reconsider even wanting to be exclusive with her. I presume it's because of what you said before, that "she's never exclusively dated anybody, or been in any kind of relationship and her dating has never gone beyond a couple of dates". ... I've already gotten to far involved, I think I've already fallen for her. That is what I hate... She seems to be seriously considering it though.
Jannah Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 ... I've already gotten to far involved, I think I've already fallen for her. That is what I hate... She seems to be seriously considering it though. All things considered, I would be wary of some of the things you mentioned. But, I hope it works out for you, nonetheless.
Author Stonewall Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 (edited) All things considered, I would be wary of some of the things you mentioned. But, I hope it works out for you, nonetheless. I'am weary, very weary. Now that I think about it that seems like a strange thing to mention, about her friend to a romantic interest. Thanks for your advice, it means a lot that you guys are helping me. Edited December 24, 2010 by Stonewall
Jannah Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I'am weary, very weary. Now that I think about it that seems like a strange thing to mention. Thanks for your advice, it means a lot that you guys are helping me. You're welcome!
Nobodyn0se Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 (edited) ignore her Edited December 24, 2010 by Nobodyn0se
Author Stonewall Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 Ok guys I drew up a battle plan.. Is this a solid coarse of action? Before I acted completely interested in her giving her compliments, so on and so forth. In fact I said to her that I had a crush on her and I thought she was beautiful. Now I'm planning on being just a little more disconnected, and maybe acting like I'm pulling away just a bit. Getting a little less interested, and teasing her even more than usual and like I said complimenting her less if not at all. For example I already gave her a christmas gift... I'm planning on not sending a merry christmas, text, email, or phone call unless she does first. Even if she sends me an email maybe I should wait until a day after Christmas to check. I'm also going to start acting just a little more cocky, and of coarse not mentioning the exlusive conversation at all until she brings it up again. (I left the ball in her court).... I hate playing dating games but it looks like it's time to play my hand.
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