AD1980 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Im 30 never been in a relationship or even kissed a girl and ive pretty much given up. Aside from the fact that most women arent even attracted to me even if one of out a thousand were i feel so many years passed by where i should have learned how to attract women that its too late now Those skills should be learned in your teens or somewhere in your 20's at the latest,i feel at 30 its too late to program myself so to speak how to attract women then how to conduct myself in a relationship all the stuff 99% of people learn much much younger then me.
PJKino Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Im kind of in the same boat,attracting a women seems like such an exhausting outlandish foreign thing to me in my life that i dont even try anymore
Cracker Jack Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 You know, I've often feel the same way at my current age (23), but lately, the idea of feeling sorry for myself has been making me feel more sick than not having a girlfriend. While I'm sitting here being down on myself about sucking with women, more guys are out there getting women. So, I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth thinking about 24/7 anymore. Don't get me wrong, we all want to be loved by the opposite sex, so it's hard to get it off your mind. I don't think you're too old to attract women at 30, but I'm not going to pretend that it isn't much tougher for you at that age, either. I don't really have any experience myself; just sex with a girl who was my friend, but that didn't lead to much because I was her rebound.
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Same thoughts at 19. It's during that 12-16 mark that a lot of positive or negative development with the other sex comes in. It's a real crucial time. The fact that I wasn't in a coed school and was isolated in the middle of nowhere during that period of time is pretty much equivalent to child abuse looking back.
USCGAviator Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I'm 30 and back on the market after 10yrs. I'm dating regularly and being quite successful. You just need to put yourself out there whether its online or the local watering hole. Being yourself is the most guaranteed way to be successful.
wheream_i Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's all about self-confidence. Im 30 never been in a relationship or even kissed a girl and ive pretty much given up. Aside from the fact that most women arent even attracted to me even if one of out a thousand were i feel so many years passed by where i should have learned how to attract women that its too late now Those skills should be learned in your teens or somewhere in your 20's at the latest,i feel at 30 its too late to program myself so to speak how to attract women then how to conduct myself in a relationship all the stuff 99% of people learn much much younger then me.
USCGAviator Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Where is right. Don't fear rejection cause the worst that can happen is she says "no". Big deal move on and keep trying, this will build your confidence. And when a woman senses your confidence you will know
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's all about self-confidence. Confidence is all about believing you can accomplish/achieve something. People's expectations/decision making behavior is largely based off of results/reinforcement. If you always have negative reinforcement (rejection) when you try an action (say asking somebody out, opening yourself up etc.), you LEARN/are PROGRAMMED to avoid that action. It is extremely difficult to overcome this programming. You tell somebody to just try something, their mind may logically agree but behavior is conditioned. They expect failure no matter what.
waynesworld Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Self-improvement is the path to self-confidence. I would modify Aviator's comment that you need to "be yourself": you actually need to be the best version of yourself.
USCGAviator Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 True story but I never dated much in HS and was pretty shy towards girls. When I was a young man in a new area at 18 some buddies and I went to the mall. We played a game where they would pick the girl and the other guy would have to go and try to get her number. We did this for fun on occasion and wow what a confidence booster. And they would always look for the most gorgeous girl for you to go talk to so it was quite intimidating. At first no luck and walking back to my friends embarrassed. After a while I was walking back to them with phone numbers. Catch my drift
welikeincrowds Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Come on guys, seriously. Don't you see how silly this is? The first guy comes in, saying that you "should have learned ____ in your 20s," as if your 20s are some magical time where enlightenment happens. (do you know any enlightened 20 year olds? Or enlightened 30 year olds, for that matter?) Then the next guy comes in, straight up admitting he just doesn't try, which is what the first guy should have admitted. Then the next guy comes in, saying that it must be hard for a 30 year old man to do anything in life -- what?!? You're barely out of the womb at 23, 30 is when life is starting to kick in. You're really on the right track though, with your other thoughts -- your line of thinking is not productive. More on that later. Like the next guy, who says that the "magic moment" is actually 12?! Where's the 12 year old to say the magic moment is _____? Eventually you guys are going to have to take responsibility for your own lives, in the present, or you're going to end up dead without having lived one. In other words, you can't just continue to sit there and blame your mom, which is essentially what all of you are doing. This is the reason that God included the coveting rules in the 10 commandments. Constant comparison will stagnate your soul. As long as you keep sinking your self-worth into a spiral of guilt, shame, regret, and external validation, you will never be free.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 OP and other dudes who've replied so far. you guys looking for advice or just to vent? I didn't get an "EFF living this way!!" type of feeling from the posts. I'll assume you're looking for some simple, yet relevant advice here. here goes: I'll break this down, fellas. anyone can learn anything, so long as they have the willingness & capacity to learn that thing. don't believe me? find a person "fluent" in calculus, any foreign language or the art of communication; you'll find yourself face to face with my point. think about the stuff you're good at. it took practice, didn't it? trial & error? a bit of humility along the way. that skill/sport/talent was learned, my friend. to get women you must learn to do so. period. some guys have invested in learning talents that make doing so "easier" (I.e. good communicators), others spent time becoming something that most women want, whether professionally or otherwise. no matter how you slice it, it's learned behavior. I believe you guys in OP's position would do well to befriend a guy who does well with women and hang out. not to ride on their coat tails but to learn - to observe in action, bounce things off of & wingman for each other. I'll be honest that's what worked for me, following my divorce. I'd hang with my single buddies again, I'd host get together's and parties and I'd pow-wow with the fellas. often our convos over food would be like: me: "so that girl, Kelly, from the other night huh? what's going on with that?" bro: "cute huh? I chatted her up & grabbed her number. she mentioned really being into trying new stuff. I'll start randomly texting her next week & see if she's down to go out." naturally, early on, such a brief exchange posed a lot of questions (me being out of the game for damn near a decade), such as: what do you mean "grabbed her number??" how!? lol. or what the heck, random texting?? my buddy produced results so I hit him up for info. this guys texts were witty, funny, sarcastic, you name it, & these girls were eating it up. there were rules, and I relearned and regularly began using enough of them to get alone time with girls, regularly (which is all a "date" really is). my point is, get that friend. recruit a bro that knows the ropes, hang out doing stuff you guys enjoy and talk. those types of guy interactions seem necessary to keep a steady stream of newly met women going. this may sound dumb, but it would always be awesome heading back to the bar or the next racquet ball match with a new "target" to show off. bro: "not bad, dude, how'd you meet her & what's the plan?" we'd bounce sh*t off each other and some worked, some didn't. after bedtime tryouts usually comes a woman's invitation for exclusive relationship. the point is, don't give up. make some new friends & get more social. if you're thinking, I already have friends, blah blah blah... I'm not talking about your status quo bunch; i'm referring to the lot of guys who know the mechanics of turning some random chick you run into into your pillow talk buddy, or even more. learn from them.
USCGAviator Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Take notes from Conflicted....otherwise you risk being the 40yr old virgin.
PJKino Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I love this be "confident "confident" confident" "confident" What an overused cliche,some people just cant attract the opposite sex Stop makign this confidence thing a magic wand that will auotmatically make women attracted to somebody
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Take notes from Conflicted....otherwise you risk being the 40yr old virgin. The simplicity and arrogance in these posts is offensive, I hope you guys realize. Don't assume that because I acknowledge a mindstate that I subscribe to it or am clueless on my way out. I'm in my own self-improvement phase and I've accomplished way more than I ever expected I would already. Telling people to just try or make a skilled friend is laughable and fails to recognize the complexity of the path out of things like social anxiety disorder and major depression, which is often involved in these cases. I don't know if you realize how unoriginal it is stigmatize people in these situations as just being unwilling to try or childishly blaming their mothers. The real path to getting into healthy relationships is a very individual process. There is no cure all for it, and simply rinsing and repeating the same methods with women over and over again would be silly. You have to really get introspective and dive into your own problems and solve them from the inside out. Change your thinking patterns and get more comfortable with yourself, again, from the inside out. That's the advice I would offer the other posters.
wheream_i Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's a cliche for a reason. I love this be "confident "confident" confident" "confident" What an overused cliche,some people just cant attract the opposite sex Stop makign this confidence thing a magic wand that will auotmatically make women attracted to somebody
USCGAviator Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I love this be "confident "confident" confident" "confident" What an overused cliche,some people just cant attract the opposite sex Stop makign this confidence thing a magic wand that will auotmatically make women attracted to somebody Its starts with confidence confidence confidence. Closed mouths don't get fed. The people that "just can't attract the opposite sex" have given up.
PJKino Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's a cliche for a reason. Its overused and means very little in thsi context,Nobodies confident all the time
PJKino Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Its starts with confidence confidence confidence. Closed mouths don't get fed. The people that "just can't attract the opposite sex" have given up. BS i know unconfident people in realtionships and overly confident people who cant attract the opposite sex When i approach a womem and she rolls her eyes and tries to escape before i say a word its because she isnt attracted to me not because she has some amazing womens intuition that can pick up low cofnidence
ConflictedGuy27 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 The simplicity and arrogance in these posts is offensive, I hope you guys realize. Don't assume that because I acknowledge a mindstate that I subscribe to it or am clueless on my way out. I'm in my own self-improvement phase and I've accomplished way more than I ever expected I would already. Telling people to just try or make a skilled friend is laughable and fails to recognize the complexity of the path out of things like social anxiety disorder and major depression, which is often involved in these cases. I don't know if you realize how unoriginal it is stigmatize people in these situations as just being unwilling to try or childishly blaming their mothers. The real path to getting into healthy relationships is a very individual process. There is no cure all for it, and simply rinsing and repeating the same methods with women over and over again would be silly. You have to really get introspective and dive into your own problems and solve them from the inside out. Change your thinking patterns and get more comfortable with yourself, again, from the inside out. That's the advice I would offer the other posters. with all due respect, Blues, this is bullish*t. it is simplistic and much of what is rehash is, because it works. eff all that touchy feely interpersonal I'm depressed BS... you think the girls that have passed on fu*king the daylights out of these blokes cared about their personal problems? I'd wager not. bottom line, these guys simply don't know (yet) how to get girls. I see this as no different than a guy who can't read or drive... these guys need to study, quite frankly. if there is zero social life, there will be no bedplay with the ladies, period. dudes w/o social lives, here's step one: sign up for 2 sports chicks dig. step 2: go. step 3: get good, WHILE making GUY friends. the girls are a byproduct, a reflection of, the health and awesomeness of a dudes social life... no touchy feely crap; this is elementary.
wheream_i Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Those people you know that are unconfident in relationships are unconfident because they are in relationships, lol. BS i know unconfident people in realtionships and overly confident people who cant attract the opposite sex When i approach a womem and she rolls her eyes and tries to escape before i say a word its because she isnt attracted to me not because she has some amazing womens intuition that can pick up low cofnidence
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 with all due respect, Blues, this is bullish*t. it is simplistic and much of what is rehash is, because it works. eff all that touchy feely interpersonal I'm depressed BS... you think the girls that have passed on fu*king the daylights out of these blokes cared about their personal problems? I'd wager not. bottom line, these guys simply don't know (yet) how to get girls. I see this as no different than a guy who can't read or drive... these guys need to study, quite frankly. if there is zero social life, there will be no bedplay with the ladies, period. dudes w/o social lives, here's step one: sign up for 2 sports chicks dig. step 2: go. step 3: get good, WHILE making GUY friends. the girls are a byproduct, a reflection of, the health and awesomeness of a dudes social life... no touchy feely crap; this is elementary. lol... this is honestly hilarious to me, and I thank you for the perspective. I don't think the decision I made this morning as to what to eat for breakfast was as simple as the concepts you are throwing around.
Cracker Jack Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) Then the next guy comes in, saying that it must be hard for a 30 year old man to do anything in life -- what?!? You're barely out of the womb at 23, 30 is when life is starting to kick in. You're really on the right track though, with your other thoughts -- your line of thinking is not productive. Well, it probably came out wrong, but I wasn't trying to imply that. I just don't think it would be easy for someone who's 30 and never even kissed a girl to just up and change that. Speaking as someone who doesn't have much experience with women, it creates a mental pit for me--and the more I age, the tougher it feels for me. The experience I had was about 3 yrs ago, but you're right about 23 not being as old as I'm making it. Trust me, I'm trying to change my line of thinking; even considering going back to counseling (I have SA) whenever I have the time. Edited December 23, 2010 by Cracker Jack
Yer_Blues Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Well, it probably came out wrong, but I wasn't trying to imply that. I just don't think it would be easy for someone who's 30 and never even kissed a girl to just up and change that. Speaking as someone who doesn't have much experience with women, it creates a mental pit for me--and the more I age, the tougher it feels for me. The experience I had was about 3 yrs ago, but you're right about 23 not being as old as I'm making it. Trust me, I'm trying to change my line of thinking; even considering going back to counseling (I have SA) whenever I have the time. What a surprise, another individual who has these issues has SA. Either I'm psychic, or maybe this is a bit more complicated than the self-help book, PUA attitudes in this thread. Either that, or both of us are too touchy feely and just need to play football... rofl...
ConflictedGuy27 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 rust me, I'm trying to change my line of thinking; even considering going back to counseling (I have SA) whenever I have the time. gotta change behavior first. your thinking will follow suit after you simply do what the Romans do & prove your flawed thinking wrong. so, who's the casanova, player guy you know? you know the guy most chicks think is an arrogant, self centered egotistical ass (the one they're all fu*king behind the scenes)?? find that guy & buy him a beer...
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