IfiKnewThen Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 dear fellow LS buddies i had no idea tomorrow was christmas even. because for the first time ever..i have never been so heartbroken that my head was completely up my butt. i am going around in a daze. yes i got some christmas presents before i found out he got married 4 days ago. and i was shopping in a daze then too. but i got the shock he got married last sunday and i am so dazed and confused now that if i didnt see it on someones post that it was going to be christmas eve tomorrow i wouldnt have known it. ususally at this time i have everything done. i am happy . i am in the spirit. i have my traditional lobster or sea food dinner. whatever. now i am in my pjsk, i am limp, i forgot about christmas...i am numb...but i am in pain...i am profoundly sad. i am grieving period. i am not looking forward to the future. i sit here trying to help others and i am a mess (but dont worry i give decent advise for others.maybe even real good) but life does seem almost worth it. i feel so lost without him. who on earth knew it was going to be christmas eve? i am so sad. and i miss my mom and dad too who are gone now. both died within the last 10 years. and i wish i could run over to my moms house and wish her a merry christmas and us have our traditional dinner and her look at me and her tell me its going to be alright. and i miss my dad coming over and making him a cup of coffee. and i miss my best friend on the planet...him. i miss him. feels like another death...feel oddly worse. doesnt feel like a life i am familiar with at all. let alone christmas.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 now i am in my pjsk, i meant now i am in my PJ's
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 i cant even type. i meant life doesnt seem almost worth it. typo: but life does seem almost worth it
2themoon&back Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 dear fellow LS buddies i had no idea tomorrow was christmas even. because for the first time ever..i have never been so heartbroken that my head was completely up my butt. i am going around in a daze. yes i got some christmas presents before i found out he got married 4 days ago. and i was shopping in a daze then too. but i got the shock he got married last sunday and i am so dazed and confused now that if i didnt see it on someones post that it was going to be christmas eve tomorrow i wouldnt have known it. ususally at this time i have everything done. i am happy . i am in the spirit. i have my traditional lobster or sea food dinner. whatever. now i am in my pjsk, i am limp, i forgot about christmas...i am numb...but i am in pain...i am profoundly sad. i am grieving period. i am not looking forward to the future. i sit here trying to help others and i am a mess (but dont worry i give decent advise for others.maybe even real good) but life does seem almost worth it. i feel so lost without him. who on earth knew it was going to be christmas eve? i am so sad. and i miss my mom and dad too who are gone now. both died within the last 10 years. and i wish i could run over to my moms house and wish her a merry christmas and us have our traditional dinner and her look at me and her tell me its going to be alright. and i miss my dad coming over and making him a cup of coffee. and i miss my best friend on the planet...him. i miss him. feels like another death...feel oddly worse. doesnt feel like a life i am familiar with at all. let alone christmas. I swear I did not think I could hurt more than I do and for you my heartaches …….. My very best friend was dating a guy for about a year or more when he went on a vacation and called her on Wednesday and told her he loved her and he was getting married on Saturday……. What !!! and she was devastated, did I say devastated. His soon to be wife had been living out of state all that time and he was involved with her before my friend, something he forgot to mention. Her heart hit the most awesome high and low almost simultaneously. I still till this day do not know how we got through those dark days. She too has lost her dad, but she does have her mom. Christmas is such a very special time of year because of the sheer feel of things, so I would suggest to be kind to yourself for that one day, take that day for you to just be, and not to give it away to someone that hurt you in such a way that has made them unworthy…. It is just one day. I live by the Mississippi river and I found that to offer comfort to me one Christmas I spent alone. It offered so many things to me due to its natural nature and it was just what the Dr ordered so to speak, so if you have anything like this where you live, large in size and a natural creation it does give so much back to the soul with wonderment and great perceptive, so that Christmas may have a peaceful feel if just for a while. I wish you the best holiday no matter what you do, just that it is the best it can be.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 dear 2themoon&back. thank you so much for your compassion. and thats what i will think of this christmas. so help me. the grief is so great. i cant stop crying. i founf out this past monday he got married on sunday and i only found out thru see a twitter shout out thru his best man. i almost fell off my chair. and to think prior to that i spoke to him (like your friend) on a wednesday. and he didnt tell me he was getting married and he tried to make a pass at me on the phone as if i were his bachelor party. did he think he would have a last fling wiht me on the phone? i didnt go for it. i knew he was dating..but that was it. dating. she too was from out of the country..mexico. now they are married. but he was always a great man to be prior to him ending it six months ago (now hes makes himself a stranger) agter i wrote on LS i got myself dressed and out of my PJ's ..still the walking dead however ..dazed and limp. but because i realized it was going to be christmas eve tomorrow i went and got a last minute present and bought some seafood to make it like it used to be with my mom alive. go thru the motions ..but i am really a zombie now. then i came home to jump into bed and i read your kind and most compassionate response and thank God for it and you. and people like you. and LS i will try to find such a place. i dont know how i am going to go on . i really do not. but i will probably read your post again for strength. and remember your advise and compassion. God bless you this holiday and forevermore.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 ps i really felt your heart in your message to me . and again i cant tell you how much it meant to me. i didnt feel so alone and i appreciated that you care. i really hope God blesses you a thousand times over. just for being there when i came home
tobydog Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 My heart goes out to you too, I feel all your pain. I am sending you my heartfelt sympathy and good wishes. I am in such terrible pain too...I lost my beloved 14 yo golden Retriever this morning and my stbx does not even know and I shall not be telling him either.......I feel worse than when he abandoned us...........Take care and try to enjoy that lobster! x
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 tobydog. ((((((((HUGS))))))) that IS sad. :(. he was a family member that is why!!! they are innocent creatures that DONT hurt us. 14 years of love and trust and faithfulness. the ones we hug when we cry . OMG i am so so sorry. God bless his soul. He will be in a peaceful place. God will reunite us all someday..even with our beloved pets , i believe. many hugs
2themoon&back Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 dear 2themoon&back. thank you so much for your compassion. and thats what i will think of this christmas. so help me. the grief is so great. i cant stop crying. i founf out this past monday he got married on sunday and i only found out thru see a twitter shout out thru his best man. i almost fell off my chair. and to think prior to that i spoke to him (like your friend) on a wednesday. and he didnt tell me he was getting married and he tried to make a pass at me on the phone as if i were his bachelor party. did he think he would have a last fling wiht me on the phone? i didnt go for it. i knew he was dating..but that was it. dating. she too was from out of the country..mexico. now they are married. but he was always a great man to be prior to him ending it six months ago (now hes makes himself a stranger) agter i wrote on LS i got myself dressed and out of my PJ's ..still the walking dead however ..dazed and limp. but because i realized it was going to be christmas eve tomorrow i went and got a last minute present and bought some seafood to make it like it used to be with my mom alive. go thru the motions ..but i am really a zombie now. then i came home to jump into bed and i read your kind and most compassionate response and thank God for it and you. and people like you. and LS i will try to find such a place. i dont know how i am going to go on . i really do not. but i will probably read your post again for strength. and remember your advise and compassion. God bless you this holiday and forevermore. You brought tears to my eyes with your words.... and it meant a lot to me more than I can say but now is about you getting through this awful feeling so to stay focused I am so happy that you can find any comfort in anything, while you are in such a state and if my words helped you accomplish that, then that is a blessing all by itself. I don’t know much but I know grief and hurt and shock that keeps you feeling detached from the world and yourself, I have been there for months….. that you got dressed and left your house is great, even to just return that is still great. And that you got something to eat that helps keep the traditions of your family with you at this time of year is great as well. Whatever works !!!! I know you cannot see right now how you will keep going on… the news is you will, how? It will just keep happening and this is a promise you WILL keep going on !!! You are a person of value---this is the why ! Please keep posting as will I the next couple days if you feel like it and we can celebrate the holiday together one post at a time. P.S. I don’t know if you watch TV, I am not a huge fan, but it has been served its purpose the last couple of days with all the silly Christmas shows on helped me to get a little more in the spirit of things and even laughed out loud once or twice.
2themoon&back Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 My heart goes out to you too, I feel all your pain. I am sending you my heartfelt sympathy and good wishes. I am in such terrible pain too...I lost my beloved 14 yo golden Retriever this morning and my stbx does not even know and I shall not be telling him either.......I feel worse than when he abandoned us...........Take care and try to enjoy that lobster! x Forgive me for the TJ, I do love animals so and I know how painful this is as well I am so sorry for your loss of one of the best friends ever created! You were so lucky to have him as long as you did !
lumilianna Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Force yourself to hang on just one more day. My first love married someone he met a few weeks after we broke it off. It was a long time ago but I remember that feeling, it was my defining heartbreak. There is a website called healmybrokenheart you can go through the steps and exercises to keep you busy. Time does help but not as much if we don't actively force ourselves to proactively heal. However, for now, let yourself cry, let yourself mourn. The timing sucks but you have to allow yourself to go ahead and be sad, its okay. There is no getting around this Christmas sucking. This Christmas sucks for many of us. You are not alone. Just hang on. Baby steps moving forward. Don't look at twitter or fb, or any of that. It will only hurt and start you over. My story is different, but I am 2 weeks of NC and feel 25% better than I did when I was looking. This is huge progress for me. I find that crying really helps me. It releases the tension and helps me sleep. You absolutely can't do anything in your brain to help yourself by trying to understand him, all you can do is try to understand you. Focus on you. We are all alone in this world whether we have a partner or not. We are alone in our head no matter what. We just have to find peace with that so that when we are "physically" alone, we can handle it. I am thinking of you now and wishing you well.
Breakupguy12 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 dear fellow LS buddies i had no idea tomorrow was christmas even. because for the first time ever..i have never been so heartbroken that my head was completely up my butt. i am going around in a daze. yes i got some christmas presents before i found out he got married 4 days ago. and i was shopping in a daze then too. but i got the shock he got married last sunday and i am so dazed and confused now that if i didnt see it on someones post that it was going to be christmas eve tomorrow i wouldnt have known it. ususally at this time i have everything done. i am happy . i am in the spirit. i have my traditional lobster or sea food dinner. whatever. now i am in my pjsk, i am limp, i forgot about christmas...i am numb...but i am in pain...i am profoundly sad. i am grieving period. i am not looking forward to the future. i sit here trying to help others and i am a mess (but dont worry i give decent advise for others.maybe even real good) but life does seem almost worth it. i feel so lost without him. who on earth knew it was going to be christmas eve? i am so sad. and i miss my mom and dad too who are gone now. both died within the last 10 years. and i wish i could run over to my moms house and wish her a merry christmas and us have our traditional dinner and her look at me and her tell me its going to be alright. and i miss my dad coming over and making him a cup of coffee. and i miss my best friend on the planet...him. i miss him. feels like another death...feel oddly worse. doesnt feel like a life i am familiar with at all. let alone christmas. Hey hang in there! I know you don't know me personally but I care! The best thing you can do is take control of your thoughts and think about the things that you have that you are thankful for. I empathize and understand what you're going through, however if you truly want to shake this, you MUST take control of your thoughts and focus on some things that you DO have and that you are thankful for. Perhaps try reflecting on happy memories with your parents instead of on the fact that they're deceased. I know, I know, it's easy for me to say, however that is what's going to get you in a better state of mind, unless you really want to remain in the frame of mind that you're in.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 thank you lumilianna and breakupguy I dont know how to do that quote thing so i am copying and pasting here. lumilianna- quote : However, for now, let yourself cry, let yourself mourn. The timing sucks but you have to allow yourself to go ahead and be sad, its okay. There is no getting around this Christmas sucking. This Christmas sucks for many of us. You are not alone. Just hang on. Baby steps moving forward. I find that crying really helps me. It releases the tension and helps me sleep. You absolutely can't do anything in your brain to help yourself by trying to understand him, all you can do is try to understand you. Focus on you. We are all alone in this world whether we have a partner or not. We are alone in our head no matter what. thank you lumilianna. its true crying IS good for you. its got to release toxins even in your system from stress. i know God put that watershed there for a reason. strange as this sounds i tried not to cry (in the past if i could help it) because i already have fluid built up in my cranial vestibular area..and the crying and swelling makes my condition worse. But with this loss & shocking incident i couldnt help but cry and I have been crying for 4 days on and off till my eyes are literally swollen and red and my head feels like its going to roll off. and yes, it does release the agony coming from the heart. my disability for once has become secondary. and I there is a God because i dont feel any worse for crying this time around. I havent seemed to have gotten any worse with my conditon because of it. i am glad to cry for a change and get release in that form. it does help. i know what you mean. its really true too that we are alone in our heads and our feelings . we have common denominators and are all human and go thru things in life, but only we feel our feelings, and in that aspect we are alone. so, i do know what you mean. we all relate in life, but you cant feel others.. they cant feel you. and i thought that was well put. thank you for writing and thank you for thinking of me. again i am going to come back to this thread and let all your words sink into my head. thats the lifeline to getting thru this mess. i dont know what else to do. hugs BREAKUPGUY QUOTE: I know you don't know me personally but I care! The best thing you can do is take control of your thoughts and think about the things that you have that you are thankful for. Perhaps try reflecting on happy memories with your parents instead of on the fact that they're deceased. I know, I know, it's easy for me to say, however that is what's going to get you in a better state of mind, unless you really want to remain in the frame of mind that you're in. thank you for breakupguy for caring. i really felt that and appreciated it. being thankful is key. i have been thinking about that a lot. i know all too well how things can always get w...rse ( i dont even want to SAY it. fill in the blank). there is always something to be thankful for and we do forget when we wallow. (or I do). and i am not thinking..."oh its easy for him to say" not at all. i made peace with my parents being gone a while ago and i hold them so near and dear to me always. as i type this my moms picture is right in front of me, next to my PC and i feel her presence and it does give me strength. and your right NO WAY do i want to remain in this frame of mind and feel...........wow i cant even describe it. its such a foreign feeling to me i have not felt this before. i just call it grief...and void. i feel shocked. and its so hard to get thru the day so natually i am more worried about the future. when will things not remind me of him its all around me? and i kick myself b/c i know i lost a good person thru my serious neglect. but i was not in a good situation and then one thing after another hit me and i failed to take care of his needs. so i am mad at myself too for causing it all. anyway i know you are absolutely right. so again...i am taking note plus i will come to this thread again to re-read all your words and apply this to my life. i am grabbing hold of all life lines. i pray a lot too. God bless you both.
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