Titania22 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Hey Everyone, Long time no post. As some of you may recall I met a great guy in November, and we have talked for hours every single day since we met, and seen each other quite often, including me spending a weekend at his place. Some of you may be aware that I had my doubts about being intimate with him, as I didn't expect it to be that great. Well he was a fast learner and each time got better, but in total it has only been about 5 times since we met. We get along really well, and he has visited my place 3 times and played games with me and my kids, and started teaching my son how to doing the coding for websites. It all sounds too good to be true, and in fact it was. Because what I didn't count on was the feelings I have developed (I know way too fast, but we literally have been communicating every single day). Anyway, despite his attentiveness, friendliness, obvious attraction to me, he has made it clear that this is nothing more then 2 people having some fun over a short period of time. (Which if any of you remember IS what i thought i wanted before i met him.) And he is communicating with other girls on the dating site we met on. And so because of my feelings, I decided doing the just for fun sex thing wasn't going to work for me. We had a talk on skype and decided to do the just friends things. But then he visited my place for the third time, and did the web site thing with my son and slept on the couch (no sex) by himself. But it was so obvious just how attracted we both are. In fact all 3 times he visited my place and we had to behave ourselves it just amped up the attraction. So to sum up, how can we possibly do the just friends thing when we (I) obviously feel so much more? But how could I possibly do anything more, when it feels like he's just using me as a fill in until he finds someone else? And now since the friends thing has been tabled I don't even get the date thing. It's all ruined! On the bright side, I have learnt alot about myself.
OceanGirl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 That's pretty much the reason I avoid sleeping with anyone that I am attracted to and can have a decent conversation with. I develop feelings and get attached
Surrealist Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's also why some advise against FWB-type arrangements for women. Guys (me included) can **** chicks and not get that emotional attachment - and this is coming from a nice guy like meh.
OceanGirl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's also why some advise against FWB-type arrangements for women. Guys (me included) can **** chicks and not get that emotional attachment - and this is coming from a nice guy like meh. And I thought you were different
Author Titania22 Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 Thanks guys, and no I am definately not going to agreed to a FWB arrangement, I am already too emotionally involved. And Oceangirl, I don't think I was physically attracted to him until later. He told me he was a virgin, and felt it was a burden, and so I agreed to be with him, not because I thought there was a future, but because I knew I wouldn't be mean to him and hopefully it would be a positive experience for him. It was, but not because it was any good, but because I was very reassuring and caring. And then I had to have sex with him again so he wouldn't feel like a total failure. It wasn't until the past week and a half I actually started feeling strong feelings. The friendship thing is so good, I wish I would just stop feeling so much, because we probably have the makings of a pretty good friendship.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 You might want to back things up and go back to meeting at neutral places simply because you're becoming attached, and quite possibly in the future, your children might feel the same as well. Also, no more sleepovers for Mr.November. If you guys are going to do the friends thing, avoid places where the possibility of taking off your clothes is inevitable.
Jonno_S Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) And then I had to have sex with him again so he wouldn't feel like a total failure. It wasn't until the past week and a half I actually started feeling strong feelings. The friendship thing is so good, I wish I would just stop feeling so much, because we probably have the makings of a pretty good friendship. "Makings of a good friendship"? "Had to have sex with him again" Wow, these things are scary to hear. It's normal for you to have feelings and it's kind of a shame that we can be concerned when someone does have feelings. Isn't that normal?. As stated earlier, males can have f-buddies much easier than females. In a sense, women have to act like the quality control to men. Decide what you want from this guy. It sounds like he's not going give you what you want so make a decision now (the difficult one) to **** or get off the pot. The more you like him the tougher it will be when you ultimately face this question. If you bail on him and it dawns on him that you're worth it, he'll man up a little and come to you. Good luck Edited December 23, 2010 by Jonno_S
welikeincrowds Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) I'm really sick of hearing about how easy it is for men to remain detached and **** like pigs (unlike women) when that is not at all my personal experience. I am completely turned off to sex with strangers. The intimacy is shallow and I see no point in rationing it. Even if I am very horny or drunk or whatever, it often doesn't take long to realize my detachment and suddenly (sometimes literally, if you know what I mean) lose interest. It's glorified masturbating, and not caring enough about either your own body, or the person whose legs you're between, for it to matter who is feeling your ribs and your thrusts. And that is not even to mention what it compares against: the complexity of passion, of assaulting with pleasure someone significant. Compare this against some of my other experiences, with emotionally detached, ****ed up women, and this truism about the indiscriminacy of male sexuality holds no water with me. Sure I'll stare at whomever like I owned a lizard brain, but that's as far as it goes. So there. Like carhill says: one ****ing datapoint. Edited December 23, 2010 by welikeincrowds
loverofloveandstuff Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I'm really sick of hearing about how easy it is for men to remain detached and **** like pigs (unlike women) when that is not at all my personal experience. I am completely turned off to sex with strangers. The intimacy is shallow and I see no point in rationing it. . Yeah yeah. Get off your high horse. There's nothing wrong with casual sex as long as both the parties don't get attached. Difficult but definitely not impossible. “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”Woody Allen. Titania - maybe you should just go NC. You know yourself that you can't do a casual relationship type thing as you're too emotionally involved and being friends won't work because well... you're too emotionally involved. I don't think anything good can ever come of this relationship as you'll constantly be wanting it to evolve into something romantic and longterm. When he finally does find another woman you'll be heartbroken. It will only do more harm than good.
creighton0123 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Umm... if it is only going to be "for fun" and include being intimate/sexual, why are you allowing this man to develop a relationship/attachment with your son? Am I misreading that?
welikeincrowds Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 There's nothing wrong with casual sex as long as both the parties don't get attached. I never said anything was wrong with it, I said I think it's stupid. This is in response to the commonly held opinion that men don't operate that way. So I don't see your point, but you don't need to defend anything you like to me. And woody Allen is a ****ing creep and a relentless neurotic, the absolute last person on the planet to quote for advice.
elaina Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's also why some advise against FWB-type arrangements for women. Guys (me included) can **** chicks and not get that emotional attachment - and this is coming from a nice guy like meh. Just curious... do some guys not understand that many girls get emotionally attached? I think only a few girls don't get emotionally attached, but the majority do, I think. Do you think it's a natural difference thing, that girls get attached and men don't? Men are so mysterious... It's hard for me to understand how they can not get attached, but maybe it's just a male/female difference?
Jonno_S Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 maybe it's just a male/female difference? I think it is just that - a male/female difference. I don't know the numbers but how many men pay for sex versus women paying? I am sure there's a huge disparity there. Is it a biological motivation? Societal? Combination? Who knows. As for Welikeincrowds being sick of hearing about it, just because it's not your experience doesn't mean that it doesn't occur or exist. I can't relate to it either, but it's out there.
Surrealist Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It's also why some advise against FWB-type arrangements for women. Guys (me included) can **** chicks and not get that emotional attachment - and this is coming from a nice guy like meh. Disclaimer: Note to self - Do not get drunk and post on LS. Because I might slip some truth.
Jonno_S Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Umm... if it is only going to be "for fun" and include being intimate/sexual, why are you allowing this man to develop a relationship/attachment with your son? Am I misreading that? Good point - but what's the other side? "No honey, don't talk to him, he's just here when he needs to bang mommy."
Surrealist Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Just curious... do some guys not understand that many girls get emotionally attached? I think only a few girls don't get emotionally attached, but the majority do, I think. Do you think it's a natural difference thing, that girls get attached and men don't? Men are so mysterious... It's hard for me to understand how they can not get attached, but maybe it's just a male/female difference? Yes I would say it is a genetic thing. Women may be different due to the fact that they fall pregnant and therefore have that biological reaction to sex of feeling attached to the father of their offspring. But on a similar note to welikeincrowds, it doesn't necessarily mean all guys just want to go out and get laid with any random woman.
catgotyourtongue Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Hey Everyone, As some of you may recall I met a great guy in November, and we have talked for hours every single day since we met, and seen each other quite often, including me spending a weekend at his place. .... Hi i feel your frustration. Can't read men anymore, it's getting worse as I get older. It baffles me how men can so easily slip into this role, call every day, have what seems like a relationship, and a good one, and then see it only as casual and get all wonked out when the girl see's it as more. I see this all the time. Sorry for your pain, yuk. If men want to multi-date and not be tied down, then they should not form these bonds, spend all this time, especially where kids are involved and then go screw someone else. I don't want to be blasted here. I realize the man here said he did not want a relationship but really? OMG...And this is exactly how it happens. you were not looking for anything at first, and then you saw him become more like a boyfriend, and saw his potential, fell for him, and then he was like, "hey I only want casual". That crap stings, I am so sorry for you...really. Men who want casual are often the same men telling you how wonderful you are, you are the best, you are fantastic, unique, but only part time, lol I would watch my heart, you will get hurt. You feel this bond, and connection and it will sting like hell when you know he has dates, etc and then comes to you...blah. Casual dating rarely works out well as one almost always falls harder. We as women have made it too easy for men to just take/get a peice of ass and walk off...and have no regard for who they are with, since so many gals will spread their legs for anything short of Hitler. (ok that was unfair, lol...but you get my point) I have recently had a slew of dates over last year where they came on strong, were the aggressor, told me how wonderful things were, wanted to date, etc etc but wanted to date/screw whomever else they wanted. They acted very boyfriend like with me, way faster than i would do that, I tend to be pretty independent and dont get involved that fast. They made the statements abt how great this was, and then acted all freaked when i did not want to hear abt their other dates. It spells trouble. Men = want cake, and eat it too, and want brownies, and want eclairs, and want more more more, more. ISNT one dessert enough...lol??? I wish men who wanted to play the field did just that, and did not try and pretend to be boyfriend one minute, and slutty f*head the next. I respect a guy who wants to play the field and is honest about it, or one that says I dont want a relationship. I get that. But IF U dont want a relationship, STOP texting and calling every day....stop spending three days a week with same girl. DOH. men say women speak in codes and play games, and I keep finding men that are all abt games and bull*. They love it when you are available for them, at their whim, but god forbid you call them or need them for something, it's like panic room, they friggin split. AND this is dating at OVER 40. I did better when i was 20, lol Sorry -major vent, need to shut up. This exact thing gets my goat, lol...argggh. Sorry you have feelings for someone who is not really available, although he sure seems to be into it. GUYS, ???? HELP what the hell, it's hard to de code these kinds of things, it is for me. ((hugs))
Author Titania22 Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 Thanks everyone for all your responses. If you bail on him and it dawns on him that you're worth it, he'll man up a little and come to you. Good luck Titania - maybe you should just go NC. I am agreeing here, I feel like I probably do have to go No Contact, as I feel too far gone. Let's hope so Jonno. But regardless I am too far gone to deal with anything less then the girlfriend zone. Umm... if it is only going to be "for fun" and include being intimate/sexual, why are you allowing this man to develop a relationship/attachment with your son? Am I misreading that? Good point - but what's the other side? "No honey, don't talk to him, he's just here when he needs to bang mommy." Ok well as far as the kids were concerned we were just friends, and there is no banging mommy as my place. Good clean fun just like we would have with any family friend. My kids are used to people coming and going from our lives (not sex partners for mommy, people in general male and female). We enjoy playing with new people while they are around. And in James' case learning whatever he can while they are around (because he is an opportunist), and wants to be an awesome game maker when he grows up. It baffles me how men can so easily slip into this role, call every day, have what seems like a relationship, and a good one, and then see it only as casual and get all wonked out when the girl see's it as more. This is exactly my frustration. Why try so hard, if he didn't want me to get attached. And if it was the virgin thing, why keep trying so hard after he had lost it already. It was no big deal, but setting yourself up as best friend and great lover, well what is a relationship if it isn't that?
CandyHeart Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Is it not possible to put the breaks on this relationship/friendship for a while until you can distance yourself and detach yourself with these feelings you have for him?
Author Titania22 Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 Is it not possible to put the breaks on this relationship/friendship for a while until you can distance yourself and detach yourself with these feelings you have for him? I don't know, but I hope it is possible.
Author Titania22 Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Hi Guys, As an update we have been talking over the skype. And the night of christmas we stayed up talking until 5:20am, and during our conversation I made it plainly clear that I am really attracted to him and wanted to be his girlfriend (I know we had already had that talk but we had it again in a much more convincing way). He said he would think about it. The night of the 26th we only chatted briefly as he was driving to melbourne at 2am, and I was careful not to bring it up as I wanted to give him time to really consider it without feeling pressured for an answer. But he brought it up briefly, and said he thought he should make his decision after he gets back from melbourne. He is there now, for a wedding. And will be back either tomorrow of the next day. I have no idea what he will decide, and am trying to be prepared for either answer. I suspect he thinks he will be able to break me down to have sex with him without the label. But I wish to assure you all, that won't happen, either I get the label or we are at most friends. I found it kind in interesting, that when we were chatting on the night of the 26th, he brought up food (because my daughter and I try to eat really healthily without much meat), and I (talking as if it was assured i would be his girlfriend) said I could always bring my own when I visit him, and he asked if I thought my daughter would like his lentil potato curry. When I said she would probably love it, he said he should bring food to my place to cook for us. (To me that seems like a really weird thing to suggest in general, let alone if he is considering not being my boyfriend. Once again men behave in completely baffling ways.) Anyway wanted to share with you guys, as you are my confidents, and it is the waiting game now.
dispatch3d Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 You like the guy so you attempt to give him less sex to win him over? Figure out if you and him are a possibility then have a lot of sex with him or just have a lot of sex then pop the question. It sounds like you had sex only 5 times, then 'reassured' him hes good then asked to be more. Also you are in a bad spot bc a lot of guys have hangups about dating girls who do fwb.
Author Titania22 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 You like the guy so you attempt to give him less sex to win him over? Figure out if you and him are a possibility then have a lot of sex with him or just have a lot of sex then pop the question. It sounds like you had sex only 5 times, then 'reassured' him hes good then asked to be more. Also you are in a bad spot bc a lot of guys have hangups about dating girls who do fwb. Ok, I know that's how it seems to you, but we were dating when we had sex, not FWB, then we stopped dating because of my feelings (and I wasn't sure how to deal with them), so then we became just friends and didn't have sex anymore (so no benefits) and now he is deciding if he wants more then friends. But I can't do the FWBs thing, so I will not do that. I also realise all these changes are happening in a short space of time, but they were all valid changes at the time. Of course we both realise using sexual frustration as a motivator for making a big decision is not terribly ethical, and hence it is good he has decided to take this time to consider his response. Whatever his response I will respect it.
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 You might want to back things up and go back to meeting at neutral places simply because you're becoming attached, and quite possibly in the future, your children might feel the same as well. Also, no more sleepovers for Mr.November. If you guys are going to do the friends thing, avoid places where the possibility of taking off your clothes is inevitable. Good advice... I'll add to it that if you do have sex with him only did after a talk with him about going further and not wanting a FWB.
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