rx2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Hello Everyone! I am new to this forum, and so far I am really learning a lot about my current relationship and about myself. So to start off, thank you LoveShack! =) After reading a few of these posts, I couldn't find a relatable topic that I need advice on, so I decided to start a new thread. I have been dating this guy that I met in grad school for about 2 years and 4 months. We basically hang out all the time. We live in the same apt complex so we practically live together. He's two years older than me (I'm 26 and he's 28) The unfortunate part of this relationship is that we are both from opposite parts of the US and met in the midwest. (How romantic!) Anyways, now that it is winter break, we both went home to our families and are spending the holidays in our home states. When I try to call him or msg him, he's always busy doing something or says he lost his phone. The concern I am having is that this ALWAYS happens whenever we are on any break or away from each other. When he is at school.. he guards his phone like it is his one and only child and so when i get a text saying "i lost my phone so i didnt get your messages until now" kinda irks me. I'm not saying he's cheating on me. I'm sure hes hanging out with his friends and family but it only takes 2 seconds to msg me hello or how are you doing or even a "I miss you!" I don't get how someone who sees you everyday can jus stop communicating with you for 2-3 weeks. He's got a PDA, so he can check his email constantly. Idk if im just being annoyed for no reason or is this jus how guys act?? I dont really knw how to approach the situation.. ive tried in the past to tell him that you should reply back more often but he jus says that he's too busy or forgets. please help.
zengirl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 First of all, ALL men are not like any one particular thing. People are individuals. I don't know if that's a common male trait or not, but it strikes me as odd that he is actually claiming to have lost his phone/let it die repeatedly while away. I would probably approach this from two ways---one, would be to address his immaturity, try to communicate why I find it important for him to stay in some kind of touch with me, and address where he's falling short. The other would be to look at myself and try to make sure that I wasn't making communication a burden. Of course, I expect to talk to my SO (well, talk, text, whatever) -- wherever he is -- at least every other day, generally, unless something strange is going on. Never been an issue. Never had a man who thought sending me a quick text or two if we were apart was a burden or an issue.
creighton0123 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 He could just be shy around his family/friends talking about romantic things. He could also legitimately not remember to bring his phone to places or intentionally be leaving it behind in order to break communication for the purpose of relaxation. He could legitimately be constantly distracted. He could get crap reception. He could want to use the time as some personal "me time" (a sort of retreat where he can spend time with just himself - not all that atypical of long term couples). If this level of passiveness were present in a long term, long distance relationship I would say get out while you still can. Since it is only happening when both of you are on vacation, I would say that you should take a mental note from him and follow in his footsteps, enjoying your break and getting away from the hubbub of your normal lives. Who knows? Perhaps 2-3 weeks only talking a handful of times could aid you in resparking a honeymoon phase. I wouldn't jump to some conclusion of infidelity. Typically there are more signs than lacking response while on vacation.
that girl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Are you 100% positive there isn't a girlfriend back home? Have you meet his long term friends or family? Some people do just get wrapped up when they go home. Maybe he is just so afraid that you'll be annoyed that he lies about losing his phone, but something seems off here.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 He's with you for the majority of the year, cant you give him some space?? His vacation is the only time he gets to be with his hometown friends and family, everyone he knows is trying to catch him up with everything. You should be doing the same thing. Give him a chance to miss you, dont bug him. He cant miss you when youre annoying him on his vacation. He will be ready to continue your relationship when he gets back to school. he will text you when he actually misses you. BTW, you might want to consider the possibility that he doesnt text you when he's away because he doesnt miss you, maybe you smother him at school, and he isnt thinking of you as long term post graduate material..(assuming you are thinking of him as long term material) You do live on opposite ends of the country, there will be logistics to deal with when you both graduate and he already knows how this will end.
angielove Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Put the phone down! Stop contacting him! Let him be, he probably has a lot of people to see and catch up with, and lots to do in this busy holiday period. Go do something to take your mind off him.
lois_80 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I dunno, I'd say that's a bad sign. You should probably talk to him about it.
mortensorchid Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Holidays are busy times for all of us, there are a lot of parties and friends and family to see that we haven't in a while. That's why we have holidays. However, I wouldn't quite buy this "I'm too busy" or "I lost my phone" thing with him. One can take the time out to send a text or message a few hours later, or even saying "I'm busy right now, more later" just out of courtesy. Lay low for a bit and wait for him to contact you.
catgotyourtongue Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 hi I am sorry but to me it waves a red flag, no matter what. So what if he is on vacation or home for holidays. Everyone I know, almost, carries a phone with them all the time. You expected a text back within a day or two, rational, normal, respectful. Red flags: - you said 'this happens every time he goes home" - he makes up excuses abt it and seems not to care abt your feelings on it - he guards his phone like it's his child EVERYONE has the time to text back, really they do. If this is someone you are with everyday, it makes sense you would expect a call/text back. i realize there are other factors, he is busy, blah blah, with family, blah blah. It all sounds like excuses to me. I have been with a guy that did the whole hide phone, not respond thing, and it was almost always abt another person. Don't want to burst your bubble, these are warning flags. best of luck and sorry...as i think he is maybe not being upfront. I DESPISE this kind of stuff, lack of consistency and games...its just a friggin text, you did not ask for his hand in marriage, grow up dude, OMG this pisses me off, lol. I heard others say, enjoy the break, give him space, *agree with that * but if all u are doing is asking for him to check in a few times during break, that's more than reasonable.
Author rx2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 No, I haven't met his parents yet.. he said he was going to tell his parents about me this break.. hoping hes gonna keep his word. ha
NoLongerSad Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 No, I haven't met his parents yet.. he said he was going to tell his parents about me this break.. hoping hes gonna keep his word. ha Tell his parents what?
zengirl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 No, I haven't met his parents yet.. he said he was going to tell his parents about me this break.. hoping hes gonna keep his word. ha Whoa, whoa, whoa. . . TELL them now? Haven't you been dating for YEARS? That'd be a major red flag, unless there's something we don't know, like you're of different cultural backgrounds and his parents are really strict/conservative/whatever. My boyfriend's mom knew who I was after a few months. By 6 months, the parents should be aware you exist, as should everyone directly in your SO's life, I'd say. I'm not saying you have to meet them, particularly if they live distant, but this is weird.
that girl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 No, I haven't met his parents yet.. he said he was going to tell his parents about me this break.. hoping hes gonna keep his word. ha Over two years and they don't even know you exist? And he hold tight to his phone when you're together? And he falls out of touch whenever he goes home? This screams he has a girl back home.
Jonno_S Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 He is withholding from you or lying and either way you feel a communication block. That is not fun and not what a relationship needs. Tell him what you need and see if he can give it to you. Don't demand it or make it an ultimatum, just say that it's one of your needs. I have learned that females need details because their females (this quote comes from my GF so forgive me). Either he is lying, doesn't understand what you need or feels pressure from you to comply which can make a person run in the other direction.
TheGrimSweeper Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Over two years and they don't even know you exist? And he hold tight to his phone when you're together? And he falls out of touch whenever he goes home? This screams he has a girl back home. I have to agree with this. If he seriously hasnt told his parents in over 2 years thats very messed up.
wheream_i Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Bah, then he'll just see it as nagging or her all up on his nuts. Tell ya what, OP. Just stop texting/contacting him. See what happens. I would probably approach this from two ways---one, would be to address his immaturity, try to communicate why I find it important for him to stay in some kind of touch with me, and address where he's falling short. The other would be to look at myself and try to make sure that I wasn't making communication a burden. Of course, I expect to talk to my SO (well, talk, text, whatever) -- wherever he is -- at least every other day, generally, unless something strange is going on. Never been an issue. Never had a man who thought sending me a quick text or two if we were apart was a burden or an issue.
Author rx2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 Let me clarify my last post... We both agreed that we were going to officially tell our parents this break because (these are his words in a sense) : "the last time he told his parents about a girl, it ended up pretty bad (she cheated on him) and the parents were hurt too. so he wants to make sure its serious before he tells his parents." I know, I know.. I should've been more assertive but I was just respecting his wishes. We come from the same cultural backgrounds (we both are of south asian decent)...but just different religions so I was a little hesitant in telling my parents initially. BTW..I just want to say thank to all of you guys who had responded to my first post.. it really means a lot to get a lot of opinions and viewpoints that I hadn't considered. I appreciate it! Please keep them coming. Honestly, I really don't know what to do. Is it worth discussing this with him now (idk if via email or phone would help solve the situation or just create unnecessary tension) or when we're back at school?? I like the idea of just not contacting and wait for him to contact. The upsetting part is that I've spoken to my parents about this guy (first time i'm speaking openly to them about a boy) and I don't know where he stands with his parents. I don't want to be the overbearing gf, but its def THAT time to talk about where this relationship is going. And he had said he will talk to his parents this break.. thats the last we spoke about htat topic.
zengirl Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Let me clarify my last post... We both agreed that we were going to officially tell our parents this break because (these are his words in a sense) : "the last time he told his parents about a girl, it ended up pretty bad (she cheated on him) and the parents were hurt too. so he wants to make sure its serious before he tells his parents." I know, I know.. I should've been more assertive but I was just respecting his wishes. We come from the same cultural backgrounds (we both are of south asian decent)...but just different religions so I was a little hesitant in telling my parents initially. BTW..I just want to say thank to all of you guys who had responded to my first post.. it really means a lot to get a lot of opinions and viewpoints that I hadn't considered. I appreciate it! Please keep them coming. Honestly, I really don't know what to do. Is it worth discussing this with him now (idk if via email or phone would help solve the situation or just create unnecessary tension) or when we're back at school?? I like the idea of just not contacting and wait for him to contact. The upsetting part is that I've spoken to my parents about this guy (first time i'm speaking openly to them about a boy) and I don't know where he stands with his parents. I don't want to be the overbearing gf, but its def THAT time to talk about where this relationship is going. And he had said he will talk to his parents this break.. thats the last we spoke about htat topic. Okay, well, I still think his hesitance is a bit lame for THAT long, but if you are Asian and culturally conservative in any way, I get it a bit more. I'm halfsies, and I'm super-secretive with the Asian part of my family. No good comes from letting an Asian grandmother (in my case, Japanese, so different region, but I know so many different kinds of Asians, and this seems universal enough) know anything about your love life, at least mine! So, I get it. Just let him be, while he's there, if you can. However, you need to have a real discussion about it at some point if it matters to you. Bah, then he'll just see it as nagging or her all up on his nuts. Tell ya what, OP. Just stop texting/contacting him. See what happens. If he sees a mature conversation about communication -- after over 2 years! -- as her "All up on his nuts," what's going to happen when they both graduate and start to turn towards the future?
Author rx2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Author Posted December 24, 2010 thanks zengirl. Really appreciate your input. i dont even know how i should even approach this situation (emails cause miscommunication, phone calls don't allow face to face and texts.. yah def not going to help).. i mean how can someone be SO BUSY that they dont have time to think about their gf even once throughout the day.. hmm... im home for another two weeks-- im hoping he will come around.. should i ignore his texts (if he does msg me?) or respond. ive invested 2+ years in this relationship and now im starting to question it. this. is. not. good.
that girl Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Don't deal with it over email- it is way too easy for things to get out of hand. Either talk to him or wait until you see him. I think waiting until you see him would be better, but if you are stewing over this or he is repeatedly texting, the phone makes more sense.
dispatch3d Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 My roommate is legitimately like that with texts. He doesn't make a text message this huge priority for him, so if he's like playing street fighter, talking to someone, doing anything he finishes what he's doing and then responds to the text. Your bf is probably the same way. He likes his gf a lot and it is definitely not any kind of reflection on how he feels about her. He may have legitimately lost his phone a couple times. I leave my phone upstairs occasionally by accident and whatnot. You are being over-controlling for sure.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Don't get sucked into what some people are saying here about him having a GF back home!!! That's an assumption that will do nothing but cause problems with you guys!!! Have to say, I was kinda out of touch with my GF when I would be out of town too. Don't make assumptions. Simply speak to him when you get back together. If this is his worse trait, believe me, I think you probably could live with it.
Madgick1 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 He's with you for the majority of the year, cant you give him some space?? His vacation is the only time he gets to be with his hometown friends and family, everyone he knows is trying to catch him up with everything. You should be doing the same thing. Give him a chance to miss you, dont bug him. He cant miss you when youre annoying him on his vacation. He will be ready to continue your relationship when he gets back to school. he will text you when he actually misses you. I'm thinking this too. Do to talk to him every few days while he's gone and it's just the daily texting and contact that's being frustrated, or is he going into a 3 week black hole? However, that he's guarding his cell phone while with you is troublesome. It doesn't get lost, forgotten, and dead battery while he's in town with you, does it? I think when in your situation, both off on separate vacations with families and old friends, it's okay only to contact one another every few days--altho I think it's more common for there to be some sort of daily contact or a nighttime phone call every two or three days. But never to contact for 3 weeks would be a signal that he doesn't see your relationship the way you do.
Author rx2010 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Sorry guys, I havent been on this for a few days.. so i just saw all these responses.. so thank you to all... well.. the current status of our conversation time has been about 20 mins in the past 3 weeks.. ill get a text once in a while that jus reads "hi" haha.. i chatted with him earlier today and it was literally for about 10 mins.. guess hes having people over so he didnt have time to talk... is it bad that he hasn't said "i love you" or "i miss you" this past 3 weeks??? im thinking yes.. he says hes not the type to say all those lovey dovey things.. but seriously?!?!? idk.. ive been really reconsidering (which really sucks) this relationship because he STILL hasnt told his parents about me.. so i dont really know what the deal is.. AND.. i really dont consider myself as the over bearing gf.. REALLY..I'm not..Ive tried really hard to keep myself busy and not message him.. like a few of you said, i will talk to him about this when we get back to school... i dont want to give him an ultimatum.. but its def THAT time to tell his parents right?? i dont know why hes hesitating so much. i texted him ONLY once if he did get a chance to talk to his parents.. and he didnt respond and signed off.. idk this situation is making me very confused and upset.. *sigh*
ecm Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I am usually quick to assume the worst in situations like this. It's sometimes hard to believe people, and often hard to give people "space" when you feel they're pulling away. I also often assume that when I do feel people are pulling away, that it's due to another person. That is my insecurity showing itself and it's ugly. NOW, don't you think if he did have a girlfriend back home, that she would have made the trip to visit him at school at some point over the past TWO YEARS you've been dating him?? I do Hard as it might be, give him space. Don't make a big deal about something that might be nothing... at least not over the phone. If something is weird when he gets back, deal with it then!
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