delajoonal Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Been awhile since have seen this on LS...thought it could help the newbies... 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes
Author delajoonal Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 i guess i should have added...these steps r for W or H that is forced to live under the same roof as the WW or WH that has asked for a D or S or is in an A, etc..... or just if your S left u...for any reason. take care...
billy42515 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Dela, Thanks for the list.I know that these are the things we all need to do to keep us upright. My ? I guess I'll call her the mother of two wonderful boys has been on a mission of no love or respect for many years.( see "Cold Wife" and "Re:Cold Wife") She has asked for a divorce and I have emptied my soul on saving what I thought was a marriage. I have been beating myself up looking at her Facebook page with comments like " Well he got me GoodWills best for Christmas now that's love" While being not true that's how I am seen by her. So anyway thanks.
Yasuandio Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Thank you Dela, great advice. In only 48 hours, LS changed totally enlightened me, and provided a major paradigm shift in my viewpoint. I just put a check in the mail to pay H one year in advance to block my cell and landline. That takes care of that. The phone is my only area of weakness.
Yasuandio Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Oh, one other thing Dela! I'm making some other changes as well. Yesterday, I hired a Mexican man to paint the windows of my garage door. Now no one can see what's happening, or whether I'm home or not. It was actually a bit funny, as this holiday was the first snow in Atlanta since 1887, and for us, it's freezing out, literally! What a day to choose to paint in the decorative windows of a garage door! Since the divorce, the neighbors respond differently to me, and I expect they view me as extremely reclusive. My assistant could sense he was being observed. The two us thought it was pretty funny upon reflection!
Author delajoonal Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 Oh, one other thing Dela! I'm making some other changes as well. Yesterday, I hired a Mexican man to paint the windows of my garage door. Now no one can see what's happening, or whether I'm home or not. It was actually a bit funny, as this holiday was the first snow in Atlanta since 1887, and for us, it's freezing out, literally! What a day to choose to paint in the decorative windows of a garage door! Since the divorce, the neighbors respond differently to me, and I expect they view me as extremely reclusive. My assistant could sense he was being observed. The two us thought it was pretty funny upon reflection! ya, what is with society...they DO absolutey treat US different when we r married...i have noticed a HUGE difference in the way i get talked to and treated even in the grocerty store.. i have no wedding ring on anymore...and i do believe it has made a huge difference in the way people, especially women, view me. and when i was in the hospital, they, the nurses, kept calling my boy friend, my husband...'your Husband" went to get water, etc.. why is that? something to think about huh? and btw, good for you with the phone thing...ya, that is a hard one...trying to do NC...technology today makes it really really hard:o keep us posted ok...sounds like ur on your way yeah!
sirweasles Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I wish this was as easy to do as it is to read but I will always let my W know that I love her though I must show it more than say it. The problem is that all we have are words for the most part becouse of my job.
BlindRage Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Let me add this this into the mix delajoonal. What I think is the reason why people separate is because they both get too comfortable. It seems like you just feel you won that persons love already and you don't need to try any longer. I think what would make things better is just feel no matter what you still have to make them fall in love with you over and never get just comfortable and start being roommates. I don't know how to explain it well but I do hope you understand what it is I mean.
sirweasles Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 well I think there comes a point to witch you can go over board with that. I have spent all my time trying to make my wife fall in love with me even when we were at our best and it comes across as pushy and overbearing. you have to give them space and breathing room let them go out with friends and have fun with out you and you also have to find stuff to do with out them there are three parts to a relationship there is the US and then there is the ME and the HER/HIM all three parts have to be healthy mentally by them selves to make a true lasting relationship. I forgot about the ME part of my relationship and now have to fix ME in order to have any hope for the US unfortunatly by letting the ME go it coused problems for HER and now she has to fix HER aswell. so always remember the three parts and always do everything you can to keep all three in good standing.
Author delajoonal Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 Let me add this this into the mix delajoonal. What I think is the reason why people separate is because they both get too comfortable. It seems like you just feel you won that persons love already and you don't need to try any longer. I think what would make things better is just feel no matter what you still have to make them fall in love with you over and never get just comfortable and start being roommates. I don't know how to explain it well but I do hope you understand what it is I mean. oh blindrage, u hit the nail on the head with this one...YES! no matter how long we r with our Partners...we need to keep dating them,wooing, them, keep sex interesting, even if NOT in the mood..MAKE IT happen, cause it is proven that when couples have sex, they actually spend the next 36 hours nesting together, so studies have shown, etc. yes, i full heartedly believe in what u said... even with my recent xbf, after some time of NC, not much, but some time...i still love him, don't get me wrong, BUT, i even told him, 'HEY,what happened to the romance, candles, dinners, music, even a little phone sex keeps it interesting (when apart)....seriously... this has been a topic before on LS...i think u should make THIS a thread...i also think our very own Gunny might come out of hiding on this one..if i recall, HE has a lot of good to say on this too... thank you..awsome choice of words blindrage...yes...thank you!!! btw, us women have to do this too...so we can't slack off either...as i know i did in my 15 yr marriage, i slacked off big time... as i am now D for 2 yrs....he left me for his EA via fb.( another story another time) anyway..thnx;)
MsSportsLvr2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Been awhile since have seen this on LS...thought it could help the newbies... 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes I am new here and this was truly a blessing to read. I am in the process of finalizing my divorce and this was a much needed list for me to read so that I can detach from my stbx. Thank you so much. Edited February 10, 2011 by MsSportsLvr2011
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