only an OW can understand another OW

[Aquabelle]

I came upon this site, while searching desperately for someone to talk to. when u are the OW... no one understands. no matter how much you may be in love with your mm. the wife is always innocent, the victim. does being in love with a mm make you an evil person. in my eyes it shouldn't bcoz u love with your heart, and not with yr mind. the heart can only feel and not think and weigh criteria so as to fall in love with the perfect eligible bachelor. look at me, i am 25, in love with a mm of 45. but love just happens, u cannot control or avoid it. i know where you are all coming from. its the same story in each thread.... a woman in love with a mm, crying for him, suffering in agony, all for those few moments of bliss and happiness u spend with him. i know u think about him all the time... your password is probably his name. i know that after the first message posted in the thread by the suffering, lonely other woman, follow a long series of posts from the normal, decent, righteous members of society who rebuke you for falling in love, telling u that u are the mistress, telling u he is off limits, asking u why u are thinking of breaking up his home etc etc. the problem with them is that they are not in love with this mm.... and u are. they will never understand u or me.

 

please don't post in reply to tell me i am wrong to be involved with a mm. i know that already, but i can't help it. i love him. my world is in his arms. i feel incomplete and cold outside of them. if it wasn't wrong, he and i wouldn't be suffering for each other today and i wouldn't be posting on this board desperate for someone to unburden to. i would have been with him. so please don't waste your time telling me i am wrong. there is no right or wrong in love.

 

i'd like the other OWs to talk to me... those who believe in love and that love conquers all. i believe so. nothing is greater than love. if u love each other, may God help u be together.

 

my mm is my boss. 20 years older to me. he has a wife his own age. teenaged kids. he says he loves me but that he doesnt want to. 6 days a week he yells at me at work, tries to distance himself from me.... and on the 7th day he breaks.... telling me he loves me but doesn't know what to do. he doesnt want to hurt his kids... i don't want to hurt them either. we live in a conservative eastern society where we will be ostracised by our families and all those around us if we marry. he keeps trying to overcome and fight his feelings and in the process he hurts me so much. and i being younger and working under him suffer in silence until he smiles at me and opens his arms to hold me... those few stolen moments, tears and smiles... and then another long stretch of dark lonly nights. i pray to God to let me have him. others may think it is sinful to pray for something wrong... but no, u can pray for anything u may want... with God anything is possible.

 

good luck to all ows with their mm

[dyermaker]

Love is a beautiful thing. It's not always healthy though, and I don't know who taught you that it's so revered. You're a victim of Western literature. Love doesn't conquer all, it conquers nothing. It's an abstract noun, completely inanimate. It can only conquer other abstract nouns, such as "ration" and "health". People conquer, not ideas.

 

It would be one thing if you and your mm were in the process of conquering while in love, but you're not. You're crying, and that's what fuels your love--your tears, your emotions, your lonesomeness. If it didn't hurt, you wouldn't love him, because it's the pain that fuels your love. You may think you're in this together, but you're not. He has a family, and a wife, whom he also loves.

 

You blaming love for the pain you're enduring (and causing, of course), is quite transparent. I love Catherine Zeta-Jones. My heart tells me to push Michael Douglass off a bridge, because I'm in love with her, and he's in the way. Do you see how dangerous the world would be if we didn't take responsibility for our actions?

 

Only the delusional can have sympathy for you, because you are not a victim of anyone but yourself. There are OW's who resign themselves to delusion, and there are OW's who work on getting over that. It's not that you're wrong, sinful, or evil--these are all value judgements. It's that you're hurting yourself, by pretending you can't control yourself.

[cowgirl]

Hi! Im unfortunately in the same boat as you however Im starting to deal with it alot better now. It will be one year next month that me and my mm have been seeing each other every now and than. The last time I saw him was less than a week ago and for the first time in month's it didn't hurt to see watch him leave. I told him right from the start that he's no good to me if he's married but I care about him still too much to let him go just yet. He was the one who wanted to keep seeing me and I was the fool who let it happen and for now there's no going back.

 

Ive been engaged before and I try to remember what that feeling was like and if I was still in that position I couldn't imagine what it would do to me if he had an affair. I put myself in my mm wife's position and I don't envy it. When the affair started his wife was 8 weeks off having a baby. She had it the day before my birthday. He didnt contact me for 6 weeks and I went through hell over that but he called eventually.

 

Anyway, I don't like being in this position I put myself in and I do agree with what you said that the OW always seems to be the one to come out of it worse off when the truth comes out. I don't want my name dragged through the mud. It takes two to tango. He has alot to lose also. The way I feel now is that when I meet a SINGLE man that can be honest with himself I will get rid of my mm. I sound like a hypocrit but when I care about someone I do the right thing believe it or not.

 

Im slowly getting jack of being the other woman and I'll never ask him to leave her, I told him if he leaves it has to be because he doesn't love her and can't again. To be honest I'd like him to give his marriage the best shot he can and what she deserves from her husband but as long as Im in the picture that's not going to happen I know it. I am getting closer everyday to telling him to see me again when he sorts his life out and to leave me out of it from now on.

 

So, I know where your coming from. Being the ow is never going to be easy but eventually you have to start looking at the negatives and the reality of the situation and the repercussions of it all when it comes out.

 

Cheers.

[brashgal]

I can imagine how hard it is for you, but it really sounds like he will never leave his wife. There have been people that I have loved in my life that I realized were no good for me so I left them. I guess that is why I'm having trouble with your statement "but love just happens, u cannot control or avoid it" -

you can avoid it, you still have free will. You are so young at 25 and there are so many eligible, unattached young men without wives, children, responsibilities

that would be happy to make a life with you. I hope you come to this realization yourself and go find someone who can truly make you happy all the time (not just on the 7th day).

[morrigan]

Aquabelle, the kind of emotions you are describing veil reality, make excuses for abuse or neglect, perceive manipulation as caring, and cripple your self esteem. It doesn't matter whether this guy is married or single. It doesn't matter if his wife is mean, fat and frigid or if she's a Playmate and Mother Theresa morphed into one.

 

Your MM doesn't want to hurt his kids. I can tell you that he's hurting them--everytime he's with you, he's got something better to do than to have a good relationship with his children. Parents don't have idyllic marriages, many parents get divorced, and children are hurt when parents don't love eachother anymore. But when a parent decides to go off with someone else, and refuses to deal with an unhappy family situation, it feels like their sex life is the bigger priority than their familly.

[kkat]

I'm sorry for the pain you are in but I encourage you not to accept that it has to last forever. Please read my posts - carefully and openly - and those of others - and reconsider your situation.

 

While I am not completely free of my situation or pain I have made a tremendous amount of progress since January when I came to this site. I realize I came here because I obviously wasn't happy in my role and in my situation being with a MM. Clearly you aren't either. The decision to be made is if you are willing to stay unhappy, or if you want to explore options to help yourself. Many other OW, like myself, and other women and men as well, can sympathize or even empathize with what we are feeling, but at the end of the day, it's been the posters who stopped patting me on the head and starting helping me with a friendly, loving, kick in the pants that have helped me get a little stronger, day by day.

 

Resources I have found helpful include:

 

I ordered and read a number of books from Amazon.com on the subject of being the OW. I also am reading books and have a support partner related to the subject of love addiction and codependency. I have learned through my reading that these two behaviors tend to accompany many (of course not all) OW situations, and I realized that I exhibit many of these tendencies, and that until I change that, I'll never be OK in this relationship or in a future, healthy one. I notice that many of the phrases you use, such as "love conquers all", etc. - are exact phrases taken from these books, so I am only suggesting that perhaps you might peruse some reading on these subjects??

 

I have actively resisted seeing my MM via whatever methods I could come up with. Some of them have been direct - just telling him I was confused and didn't want to get together; and other times I have just used excuses. I expect to see him soon, perhaps even this week, but I haven't seen him for almost three weeks and I feel so, so, so much better. I know you work with your guy but perhaps you could try to gradually break yourself off seeing him outside of work.

 

I limit the amount of time I speak or write about him, including on LS, and am conscious of the time I spend thinking, talking or otherwise focusing on him.

 

Number one, I surround myself, literally, with people who think I'm great and I have affirmations I say aloud to myself about how I deserve more, how wonderful I am, things like that. Instead of feeling low self-esteem, I'm feeling stronger every day!

 

These are strategies I got from the reading I'm doing. I hope some of them will help you.

 

Love is not meant to feel like you (or I) are feeling. Good luck!

[meanon]

I haven't seen him for almost three weeks and I feel so, so, so much better

 

It's so good to hear you are feeling better kkat

 

Aquabelle, you can learn a lot from kkat's story. Good luck.

[Chrissy21]

I'm the OW, and i have been since the beginning of last March. The thing is your post is the same as every other OW out there. We've all been where you are right now. And it's always about the love that's in your heart for this person. At first it starts out fun, then it becomes harder and harder everyday to deal with. Especially when your MM does decide to get a divorce. Then it becomes your living hell. And I'm not exxagerating in any way. Love is an easy idea to fall in love with, but when reality comes flying in your face, love doesn't mean so much. I'm learning this everyday. By sticking beside your MM you put yourself in a position to be ridiculed, insulted, and even resented. Nobody besides the OW likes the OW.

 

So the question is: Is he worth it? And you have to be true to yourself when answering that question. If your young like me that's a hard question to ask yourself. Are you willing to make a choice where you give up all of the "firsts" that come with getting married-assuming that you do want to get married one day? Is he willing to leave his wife for you? And don't fall for the part where he doesn't want to hurt his kids. Obviously their grown and they would be able to handle that in their own way. They might resent him at first, but they would get over it. The "kids" is an excuse and it always will be. Don't waste your time with someone who just wants a bootie call on the side.

[AnotherOW]

my screen name says it all, i also have a relationship with a mm. I know the whole story... he cant leave for the kids but yet you cant leave him. your stuck, you love him he loves you, you both want to be together but you cant. i read it over and over again.

 

Aquabelle, i feel your pain even more so b/c my mm is also 20yrs older than me, so not only are you dealing with the fact that he is married and in order to be together that is a major obstacle but, then the age difference that most people dont accept. I personally dont think that age should be a factor if your both adults. but "the world" see's differently. i know and i totally understand being a victim of love, i did not want to fall in love with my MM, it was just supposed to be a fling but over time it just happened, now i'm stuck, we're stuck. so you continue to go back and forth, being with him and knowing you shouldn't, or not being with him and missing him like hell and being miserable. so either way your gonna be miserable, might as well get to see him and spend time with someone that loves you and you love them. lets face it thats pretty hard to find these days.

so screw everyone with their opinions, some of those have even been in the same situation and they got out and moved on, and thats great for them but no one can say anything to you to change your mind or your decision to stay in this relationship only you can make that decision in your own time. kkat will surely tell you that. So, hang in there, it will probably only get worse but we can all go through it together...

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Aquabelle

the wife is always innocent, the victim.

 

Yes, she is the innocent victim, of course. She is the one who entered into marriage with every right to EXPECT that her husband would uphold his marriage vows...and that he'd be faithful to her, and committed. She did not *ask* to be cheated on or betrayed, or for all of the hurt and pain and devastation of being cheated on.

 

The OW, on the other hand, *CHOSE* to get involved with someone was married....and she *CHOSE* to ignore the sacred boundary of someone's marriage, putting herself at risk for being hurt and used and lied to. The OW doesn't "accidentally fall in love" with the MM.......this is such a ludicrous notion of uncontrollable victimhood, one that I just don't get. I've met tons of nice/sweet/attractive/personable/kind/compassionionate/sexy/caring/all-that-and-a-bag-of-Fritos married men.......but I respect the fact that they're MARRIED, that they have a WIFE.....and I wouldn't even DREAM of entertaining the notion of having any kind of relationship with them, or putting myself into a situation where boundaries are crossed. Yep, it can be done, if you really want to. Frankly, I don't give the time of day to married men..not even on a 'friend level'......I see no point to it. As a woman, I respect their woman at home, and would not do to someone's wife what I wouldn't want a woman doing to me if I were married.

 

I have to shake my head when I read posts by the OW who make themself out to be some victim of circumstance, how falling for the MM was just beyond their control, they "couldn't help it", bla bla. Don't buy it, never will. Just my 2 cents.

 

And based on your post, it sounds like your world revolves around this MM, to the point that you feel you've got nothing without him....that he's your reason for living and getting up in the morning. Please, consider getting some professional help/therapy...because even if you weren't the OW, I'd still suggest that you're far too wrapped up in another human being for your sense of happiness in life.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by kkat

I limit the amount of time I speak or write about him, including on LS, and am conscious of the time I spend thinking, talking or otherwise focusing on him.

 

You know I agree with EVERYTHING you wrote KKat!!!!!! You have come so far in healing your heart. I utmost agree with the above statement. It's even hard supporting someone else when it only serves to bring up the past. You, like myself though, will continue doing so because we feel the pain and see the hurt and CARE!!!!!

 

I posted on a thread tonight which just left me in TEARS because I soooo know how she felt. I'm proud you too have taken up the candle....and kept it flickering to help others.

 

Another OW,

You too will grow and move on. People here will support you. If you need an email buddy.....PM and ask for one. NO ONE is speaking from a judgemental point of view....many of us have been there....and only want to help you get out of all this hurt and the constant roller coaster of emotions. GAWD...it's painful and lonely!!!!

 

He LIED. For whatever reason....he chose to take that route. BUT....he isn't going to leave his family. His promises are NULL and VOID. That realization hurts like hell. It's almost unimaginable that someone could love you, make promises and then KNOW you know he's lying and keep doing it. HOW FRIGGIN BIZAARE is that???????? It makes no sense....and that's why you can't break free. You keep thinking and hoping REASON will step in. Well...it DOESN'T. REASON states he will stay with his wife and family regardless of his stupid assed promises. Think about it.

 

Don't hate him or yourself. Just be realistic and move on. It's hard...so very hard....but you aren't alone.

 

We all care,

Arabess

[LBSnowOW]

Originally posted by Chrissy21

And don't fall for the part where he doesn't want to hurt his kids. Obviously their grown and they would be able to handle that in their own way. They might resent him at first, but they would get over it.

 

I beg to differ on this point. I have done a lot of reading on this subject, online and offline, as my H's parents are divorced and I believe that it has contributed to the problems we are going through now. Separation and divorce don't only tear apart families, they tear apart lives! Not just the betrayed spouse's life, but the lives of the children involved, young or older. And most don't just "get over it"... it affects them, their lives, and their future/existing relationships! Here are some posts by Adult Children of Divorce copied from this site's http://www.pixelforge.net/acod/index.html slambook... the slambook seems to be out of order right now, but I have these posts posted at another site...

 

 

The worst thing about my parents' divorce:

 

I feel like my life growing up with my parents has been a lie. I know they both still love me, but it is impossible for me to understand why they are doing this, and my sense of security is completely torn up.

 

Your sense of security is gone. You feel a deep, deep grief that permeates your life for a long, long time but you don't know why you feel so sad because you're trying to act "maturely". My parents divorced when I was 18. I am 32 now.

 

everyone thinks you are grown-up enough to handle it

 

Both parents didn't care about the impact their decision made on my brother and I. They just couldn't forgive one another. I've always known my Dad was an alcholic. Now I know my Mom is a liar and untrustworthy.

My family is dead and I find it impossible to respect my parents anymore. The trust I had in them as a child is completely gone. It's as if they're not my parents anymore. Just a couple of people I don't care to have anything to do with.

 

Seeing the grief of my family. Grieving the loss of a united family. Discomfort at holidays and special occasions as to how or with whom to celebrate.

 

I'm 44--parents divorced 29 yrs ago--it will be a heartache I carry with me until the day I die. My dad says I should get over it--he walked out on us but has nothing to apologize for--he sees himself as the victim. Wish I had a REAL dad.

 

I feel grief! I feel shock! I am an adult and the thought of having a Christmas anymore sucks. I don't care any more about holidays. My future children will never know the warmth of visiting their grandparent's home!

 

How I will explain all this MESS to my kids. (they are preschoolers) while dealing with all the feelings and emotions myself. Like, haven't I got ENOUGH to worry about raising kids in this God-forsaken society???

 

People saying "well its a lot better when you're not a kid" and me thinking "no, its much worse. i grew up used to having the 'perfect family - a family of 4 that went to disney world', now all of that is shattered.

 

nOT GETTING THE FAMILY NURTURING AND SUPPORT I SO NEED. HEARING FROM MY MOTHER, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HOW ALONE AND UPSET I FEEL, SHE RAISED HER KIDS ALREADY, SHE SAYS.

 

Dealing with holidays, important family events (weddings, graduations etc), and the rest of the bull**** that comes with being an AKOD

 

People think that it isn't supposed to hurt as much! Which is total crap! All of the sudden the security and family that I have known for 25 years has been jerked out from under me!

 

Feeling that all the feelings you are having are somehow not appropriate because you are an adult

 

adjusting to a whole new life. you're so used to always being able to go home and have mom and dad there and then all of a sudden you go home and it's just mom. it's inconvenient to have to take 2 separate trips to see them. i have lost touch with them.

 

Feeling alone, like your the only person who has ever gone through this. Being expected to go through life like nothing has happended. Trying to get through holidays without thinking about how things were before.

[Aquabelle]

Hi everyone.... thanx for writing back. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who have been where u are, and can understand.... and most of all.... who care. yes, i got my dose of sermons from the righteous and virtuous social conformists in this forum, but i was expecting that, although i had made it clear from the start that that's not what i was here to discuss. i don't need to know the right and wrong... i am well aware of it, and so are the other OWs. this is an OW and OM forum where we can talk to each other and share our problems.

 

i dont feel guilty.... just sad. i haven't done anything wrong. i have loved someone who approached me with love. his marriage was something for him to think about. what people need to understand is that being in a particular situation does not make any one bad or stupid. this is not a book with stereotypical situations... this is life. every story is different. every OW is not a bitch.... every wife is not an angel.... every MM involved with an OW is not a bastard or a lier. this is life.... it has a strange way of entangling us in circumstances where we least expect to find ourselves.

 

in my story... noone is bad. i feel sorry for all of us... my MM, his wife, his kids, myself and those who are part of my life. but my relationship is the focus of my world. i want to make it work out. i will fight to make it survive. if his happiness lies with me, may God help us be together. my mm is going to the states for his studies. he has told me that although right now he doesn't feel right about our relationship coz hes living with his kids and wife. once he leaves and they can learn to live without him around, he can move to a different mode of life and consider oooooour future together. he has made no promises, but has said that this can only happen if i get to the states from pakistan, where we r living right now. he knows i can't do it. he says i'm still a kid and very idealistic and don't face reality. he says that he on the othe other hand, loves me too, but realises his age and his limitations and doesn't want to ruin my life or hurt me. he even insisted that i got married to someone my own age and just let our love remain in our hearts. what he doesn't realise is that i can never be happy with anyone else. so i have nothing to lose really. either i die without him... or i get to the USA and take a risk in order to make my only dream come true. i'll have to leave my home, my job, and go to a new place, with no finances and nothing in hand... i don't know if i'll get the visa... i don't know how i'll react if i risk everything, get there and still not get what i want. but i will try.

 

Another OW, it was specially good to hear from u. thanx for understanding, instead of lecturing. hope i get to the states.... maybe we can meet up then. u can talk to me about your situation. lets write to each other. i specially want to get to know someone who is in love with someone who is 20 years older. its something most people cant relate to.

[Chrissy21]

Aquabelle:

 

Being that I am another OW, I really do feel your pain. I know that my last post sounded harsh. I never intended to sound that way. I guess I really can't understand everything you're going through because I'm 21 and my married man is only a few years older than me. It's just a different type of situation, although he does have baby that is a year old. I have to ask you are you really capable of making that kind of commitment to such an older man? I'm making sacrifices in my relationship, but you would really be making sacrifices.

 

I just think you should really think things out. What helped me was just packing up a weekend bag and escaping to the coast to stay with my brother. I spent time by myself and just really did some soul-searching. I had to be true to myself for a change. It really does help to escape, Aquabelle, even if it's just for the weekend or a day. You need to time to just think things through without him being there. You might not come up with the answers you want and that can be kinda sad and scary at the same time. Good luck girl. I'm on your side.

[catspajamas]

I am a married woman. I don't agree with what you are doing. I also understand falling in love with man no matter what other people think and feel. Love is between the two people who are in the midst of it. Unfortunately when he leaves you he goes home to another woman, that is more than two people! You deserve better. You deserve a man who will give his whole life to you. When you are in his arms you should be able to know that you are home there and no one else will be in your cozy little home when the night is over. I hope things work out for you. They will probably get worse before they get better so hold on tight and brace your self for a bumpy ride.

[cantforget]

Aquabelle,

No one else can judge you. No one else has to live inside your head day after day and know how you feel no matter how you explain it. Everybody has a different situation and we cannot compare our own to someone elses and assume it is the same. As for these people who are saying "think about things "blah, blah. Dont they realise thats all we do is think all the time. That you cant excape your thoughts and the constant conflict you are having within yourself.

Maybe we are looking for someone to tell us its ok and that it will work out. Well I wont tell you that cause I really dont know, but I do agree that love is a very powerful thing. You know as well as I do that this isnt easy but if you feel you have the courage and strength to fight then you must live your life the way you feel is best. I really hope you find happiness and if it is with this man I hope his wife will one day find someone to love her as much as you love her husband. Love is very healing and she may one find true happiness and everyone can live in peace. I choose to be optimistic because I am not yet ready to sound as angry and bitter as alot of other people posting messages in this forum. I too still have alot of fight left in me.

[LRT]

Wow bitter and angry is right!!!Some of the posts on this thread blew my mind a little bit!!!Yeah we all know it's wrong to be involved with someone who is married, but you fall in love with who you fall in love with.You can't control that.It does "just happen".

If you had told me when I met the man I with now that one day I would be as in love with him as I am?I would have told you you were nuts.lol.He could not have been more not my "type".But the more I got to know him the more I saw that he was everything I never knew I wanted and needed.We didn't start dating until him and his wife split, thats an issue all on its own.This is his second marriage going down the tubes, he has a child with her and 2 with his first wife.He has alot to go through and he comes with alot of baggage but I love him.Period.End of story.I love him for who he is not in spite of it.

You know that feeling that something is missing?Or when you don't feel you are where you are suppose to be, doing what you are suppose to be doing?Those feelings go away when I am with him.When we are together nothing is missing, and I know I am exactly where I am suppose to be.That is a very powerful feeling.You have to follow your heart and your instincts.

[9Lives]

I am the OW as well. I understand your pain but i think you have lost touch with reality. THIS MAN IS MARRIED. He is not suppose to be with you. You have to start to accept that this relationship is going to have to end one day. I know it sounds painful but YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT IT LIKE THAT AND GET SOME HEALING. You deserve your own man. You deserve your own life that does not revolve around lying and cheating. I know this is hard but you cant live your life like this forever. You are only hurting yourself in the long run. I say get some help. You have to get stronger. I am the ow but I know that it will not be forever and I know that it is going to hurt when my baby is gone. But that is part of the game. And I decided to play this game. I do know that I want my own man one day and I am not going to be his side lady for years to come. I am crazy about him too but I dont want this kind of life. You have to think about that. It is going to be harder the longer you are with him. Trust me, I know. Good luck. Love is good and you can love whoever you want to love but that does not mean you can have that person. He is married and have to remember you cannot be with him like you want. He is building his life and you are not. So you lose. Get some help.

[unluckylady]

I sooo needed all this support from all of you. Reading all the posts from all the OW out there has made me feel like I'm not alone in my torment. I thank God that I have found this site...