robhood68 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I married a wonderful woman in Aug 2009 after knowing her for only 1 week. I had just ended an almost 3 year relationship only 6 weeks prior. I was previously married at age 18 and married for 19 years. She was diagnosed with bi-polar/schizophrenia and PTSD. I stayed with her about 7 years to long, and I waited until the kids were old enough to cope with our divorce. It was a rough long marriage that I hated being in, and it almost killed me, emotionally, mentally, and in some ways physically. I was single for 8 months no dating, no nothing unitil I met a woman who was 16 years younger than me and she moved in almost immediately. We were together for almost 3 years and then things changed, and I knew I couldnt give her the things she wanted such as kids. We broke up and 6 weeks later met this woman and the attraction was immediate... in all aspects. We got married a few days later in Vegas. She had a daughter that I hadnt met yet. She is 12 and has a mental disorders, is mentally handicapped, behavior issues and other problems. I dont like the child, let alone anything else. My wife is a great woman, loves me unconditionally, has tried everything to keep me happy. Perfect in everyway a man could want. But here is the thing, my dilemna, I dont want to be married. I dont want to be in a relationship, I need, desire and want to be alone. I have sought counselling, he finally after 3 months came to realize that I do need to be alone and to make a decision to move on with my life and end the relationship. But I still feel like such a douchebag, a selfish ******* and anything else you want to call me. I moved out into a hotel. I am happy and feel a sense of relief from the decision. The few times I have been back, it caused so much anxiety, tension, and distress that I couldnt stay very long. When we do talk its amicable, but she begs me, cries, sobs, yells, and pleads with me to stay. I know she will be ok financially and will have no problem. She has her own home and a nice bank account. I do not. I am giving up so much leaving her, but feel like I need to, want to, and have to. Am I crazy for feeling this way? Is it normal for a person to have such a strong desire to be alone and unattached that I leave a wonderful loving person. I am looking at condos to move into the first week of Jan, she understands, but is very confused and hurt. I am confused, but satisfied with my decision to leave. Any thoughts? Advice... Am I alone in this way of thinking?
imagine Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 It appears that vows do not mean much to you. Never get married!
willowthewisp Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I think you have a commitment phobia, probably as a result of your first difficult marriage. You broke up with the second one, after 3 years bc she asked for a commitment (children) and then jumped into a rebound as an avoidance tatic (so you didn't have to grieve) and now you want out of this one too, why? There is nothing wrong with your lady, so why are you leaving? Using the mentally handicapped child as a excuse? My advice to you is to get a better therapist and to have the balls to really address what is the underlying fear that you have. Until you have sorted your your issues out stay away from another women, you have no idea of the pain caused by your actions. I'm not having a go at you, probably sounds like it, but I'm not, get the help you need or you will find that you live a life in a constant push/pull misery.
Author robhood68 Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 I think you have a commitment phobia, probably as a result of your first difficult marriage. You broke up with the second one, after 3 years bc she asked for a commitment (children) and then jumped into a rebound as an avoidance tatic (so you didn't have to grieve) and now you want out of this one too, why? There is nothing wrong with your lady, so why are you leaving? Using the mentally handicapped child as a excuse? My advice to you is to get a better therapist and to have the balls to really address what is the underlying fear that you have. Until you have sorted your your issues out stay away from another women, you have no idea of the pain caused by your actions. I'm not having a go at you, probably sounds like it, but I'm not, get the help you need or you will find that you live a life in a constant push/pull misery. You know... I agree with you... I know this. But it is much deeper than what is stated here... years of stuff going back to childhood. But you are right.
YSS Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 You know... I agree with you... I know this. But it is much deeper than what is stated here... years of stuff going back to childhood. But you are right. I agree with willow. You really need to get it together cause the pain and heartache you are spreading, while perhaps unintentional, is irresponsible and you have no idea how it can mess up an undeserving person. Get it together.
willowthewisp Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I think it's very brave of you to acknowledge what the problem is, now you have to take that courage and apply it with the right therapist. Like with any phobia, it's not going to be easy but you have to ask yourself, which is worse, a life of constant back and forth and ending up alone or a few months of dealing with the issues in counselling and CBT? My ex wasn't and still isn't able or willing to admit his problem to himself, I knew what was going on with you because I have been where your wife is now. It's taken me two years to stop crying everday and some days I still do, I still miss my ex and I wonder if my life will ever be truely happy and normal again. Please, your wife is in a huge amount of pain right now, she will be blaming herself and doubting that she is a good person, probably wondering why the man she loves would leave her. She will be physically pinning for you and in a state of shock. Please, find courage, seek therapy, but also go and see your wife and explain what is going on and tell her you are going to try and see if you get yourself sorted out so that the two of you can be together again, but that she will have to understand this is going to take some time. PLEASE don't let her suffer like I have and still am.
1/2moon Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I think it's very brave of you to acknowledge what the problem is, now you have to take that courage and apply it with the right therapist. Like with any phobia, it's not going to be easy but you have to ask yourself, which is worse, a life of constant back and forth and ending up alone or a few months of dealing with the issues in counselling and CBT? My ex wasn't and still isn't able or willing to admit his problem to himself, I knew what was going on with you because I have been where your wife is now. It's taken me two years to stop crying everday and some days I still do, I still miss my ex and I wonder if my life will ever be truely happy and normal again. Please, your wife is in a huge amount of pain right now, she will be blaming herself and doubting that she is a good person, probably wondering why the man she loves would leave her. She will be physically pinning for you and in a state of shock. Please, find courage, seek therapy, but also go and see your wife and explain what is going on and tell her you are going to try and see if you get yourself sorted out so that the two of you can be together again, but that she will have to understand this is going to take some time. PLEASE don't let her suffer like I have and still am. Well said Willow.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I wouldn't presume to judge you a commitment-phobe. You made a mistake and you want out of it. It happens to people sometimes. Taking "vows" in Vegas is almost an oxymoron too which doesn't help the matter--it was too easy to get hitched and way too fast. If you had gone through a typical relationship and planned for a wedding in the usual sense, you would have had time to call it off if you had cold feet. But you effed up in Tinseltown. If you're set on your course of action then good luck with it--get your divorce (Tijuana style?) and start living the way you feel you need to. I'm sure you'll have learned from this and not breeze into another serious commitment without proper rationality.
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