soleharmony1123 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I've been back on the forum for a couple of days now, reading various threads. My area of concern is still NC. I am 4 months NC at present. I've made tremendous progress, but still a long way to go. Everyone is basically in agreement that NC is the way to go in order to heal and move on. No debate there. My question and concern, however, is if NC is about healing and moving on, then I don't get how there appear to be so many bitter proponents of NC. Really, how can any one attest to the effectiveness of NC when their behaviors and interactions with other people in the healing process are less than polite or civil in many instances. Instead of encouraging forgiveness of our exes with love and letting go, many appear to be preaching hatred and spreading bitterness around in full measure. The true definition of forgiveness (letting go) is when a person lets go or releases all traces of bitterness, anger and resentment toward a person. Forgiveness releases you from feeling under the clutches of bitterness, anger and resentment. It's rather interesting to note that forgiveness can open you up to understanding your ex better and be able to get a general idea of how he/she may have felt in their position and in making the decision/choice to breakup for whatever reason. And it's not about letting your ex off the hook or not holding them accountable for their actions. There are people on here who have no idea of what true forgiveness is, and it's rather sad because some of these folks are the very ones sitting in judgment of how well someone else is healing or not moving on, not progressing. It's rather unfair. Forgiveness is a major component in NC, but it doesn't sound like that is what's being practiced. I think it's noteworthy to mention that forgiveness is not doormat behavior. It's a release factor in the healing process. When I decided to forgive my ex, it was not without resistance from within. I was so upset, angry and disappointed and I didn't want to let go of those feelings. I had grown comfortable with them. I didn't want to let go because I knew it would open up those newly-healing wounds. When I began to let go, the tears began to stream down my face (release). In working through our breakup, I had not done much crying lately. Just had been working through acceptance of it all. After I responded to his text, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and from my heart. I knew I was letting go of my ex with love and through forgiveness. He called today.
GreenPolicy Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I am working on that myself. It's hard. I feel like I got a raw deal. I have experienced a range of emotions - anger, extreme sadness, frustration, powerlessness. I feel broken in many ways.
mikeey Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) I've been back on the forum for a couple of days now, reading various threads. My area of concern is still NC. I am 4 months NC at present. I've made tremendous progress, but still a long way to go. Everyone is basically in agreement that NC is the way to go in order to heal and move on. No debate there. My question and concern, however, is if NC is about healing and moving on, then I don't get how there appear to be so many bitter proponents of NC. Really, how can any one attest to the effectiveness of NC when their behaviors and interactions with other people in the healing process are less than polite or civil in many instances. Instead of encouraging forgiveness of our exes with love and letting go, many appear to be preaching hatred and spreading bitterness around in full measure. The true definition of forgiveness (letting go) is when a person lets go or releases all traces of bitterness, anger and resentment toward a person. Forgiveness releases you from feeling under the clutches of bitterness, anger and resentment. It's rather interesting to note that forgiveness can open you up to understanding your ex better and be able to get a general idea of how he/she may have felt in their position and in making the decision/choice to breakup for whatever reason. And it's not about letting your ex off the hook or not holding them accountable for their actions. There are people on here who have no idea of what true forgiveness is, and it's rather sad because some of these folks are the very ones sitting in judgment of how well someone else is healing or not moving on, not progressing. It's rather unfair. Forgiveness is a major component in NC, but it doesn't sound like that is what's being practiced. I think it's noteworthy to mention that forgiveness is not doormat behavior. It's a release factor in the healing process. When I decided to forgive my ex, it was not without resistance from within. I was so upset, angry and disappointed and I didn't want to let go of those feelings. I had grown comfortable with them. I didn't want to let go because I knew it would open up those newly-healing wounds. When I began to let go, the tears began to stream down my face (release). In working through our breakup, I had not done much crying lately. Just had been working through acceptance of it all. After I responded to his text, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and from my heart. I knew I was letting go of my ex with love and through forgiveness. He called today. I would agree that true forgiveness is the ultimate goal in terms of healing and moving on...but I think that anger/resentment/indignation or any of a host of similar feelings are important to experience. It seems to put things into perspective and at least in my own situation, it helps me become more clairvoyant and it really boosts my at one time shattered ego. At first I felt despair, hurt, longing.....the need to "fix" things...guilt......and that made me a marshmallow of a human being and it led me to do some embarrassing things in the last four months. I should also note that I now am of the firm belief that my ex absolutely relished in seeing me act that way. As soon as I started to grow stronger, she became less interested in being "friends". However, being angry is definitely not a headspace that one should reside in. Hopefully my anger will turn to forgiveness (sooner rather than later) or at least to indifference and acquiescence. Edited December 22, 2010 by mikeey spelling/grammar
GreenPolicy Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I agree that anger is a rest stop and not a destination. It's important to experience it and process it. I am working through my anger right now.
delajoonal Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I've been back on the forum for a couple of days now, reading various threads. My area of concern is still NC. I am 4 months NC at present. I've made tremendous progress, but still a long way to go. Everyone is basically in agreement that NC is the way to go in order to heal and move on. No debate there. My question and concern, however, is if NC is about healing and moving on, then I don't get how there appear to be so many bitter proponents of NC. Really, how can any one attest to the effectiveness of NC when their behaviors and interactions with other people in the healing process are less than polite or civil in many instances. Instead of encouraging forgiveness of our exes with love and letting go, many appear to be preaching hatred and spreading bitterness around in full measure. The true definition of forgiveness (letting go) is when a person lets go or releases all traces of bitterness, anger and resentment toward a person. Forgiveness releases you from feeling under the clutches of bitterness, anger and resentment. It's rather interesting to note that forgiveness can open you up to understanding your ex better and be able to get a general idea of how he/she may have felt in their position and in making the decision/choice to breakup for whatever reason. And it's not about letting your ex off the hook or not holding them accountable for their actions. There are people on here who have no idea of what true forgiveness is, and it's rather sad because some of these folks are the very ones sitting in judgment of how well someone else is healing or not moving on, not progressing. It's rather unfair. Forgiveness is a major component in NC, but it doesn't sound like that is what's being practiced. I think it's noteworthy to mention that forgiveness is not doormat behavior. It's a release factor in the healing process. When I decided to forgive my ex, it was not without resistance from within. I was so upset, angry and disappointed and I didn't want to let go of those feelings. I had grown comfortable with them. I didn't want to let go because I knew it would open up those newly-healing wounds. When I began to let go, the tears began to stream down my face (release). In working through our breakup, I had not done much crying lately. Just had been working through acceptance of it all. After I responded to his text, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and from my heart. I knew I was letting go of my ex with love and through forgiveness. He called today. oh i agree 100%, i have done great for 2 years now..NC, u name it... but be it the holidays, or a recent break up of another relationship...has brought on bad feelings ALL over again... i am here to work thru them..as we all r.. LS is not for judging, condeming, ridiculing behavior... but for healing, understanding, compassion.. and if we preach 'hatred' for our X's, etc...then so be it.. BETTER here, on LS, than break the NC..right? thanx tho, for the thought provoking post.
homebrew Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Great Post and i could not agree more! I have a very informative thread (will be posted shortly) that speaks to what you say here. It also is about the two different types of Dumpees... The "Healthy Dumpee" and the "Delusional Dumpee". Be on the lookout for it later tonight!
Author soleharmony1123 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Well, certainly not all LS'ers are negative. I've benefited greatly from advice given throughout the year from quite a few LS'ers. But some tend to think our hearts should be iceboxes when dealing with our exes. I believe it should be hardened to the extent that we don't allow ourselves to be sucked into foolish mindgames. But I don't buy into the mentality that because my ex decided to leave for greener pastures, he's the Devil incarnate. If he wasn't happy, a man has every right to check out of the relationship and so does a woman in that position. Thanks, Delajoonal! oh i agree 100%, i have done great for 2 years now..NC, u name it... but be it the holidays, or a recent break up of another relationship...has brought on bad feelings ALL over again... i am here to work thru them..as we all r.. LS is not for judging, condeming, ridiculing behavior... but for healing, understanding, compassion.. and if we preach 'hatred' for our X's, etc...then so be it.. BETTER here, on LS, than break the NC..right? thanx tho, for the thought provoking post.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 I'll be looking out for it, Homebrew! Great Post and i could not agree more! I have a very informative thread (will be posted shortly) that speaks to what you say here. It also is about the two different types of Dumpees... The "Healthy Dumpee" and the "Delusional Dumpee". Be on the lookout for it later tonight!
delajoonal Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Well, certainly not all LS'ers are negative. I've benefited greatly from advice given throughout the year from quite a few LS'ers. But some tend to think our hearts should be iceboxes when dealing with our exes. I believe it should be hardened to the extent that we don't allow ourselves to be sucked into foolish mindgames. But I don't buy into the mentality that because my ex decided to leave for greener pastures, he's the Devil incarnate. If he wasn't happy, a man has every right to check out of the relationship and so does a woman in that position. Thanks, Delajoonal! ok, so this post i get... i think i see what u r trying to say now... my xh and i after over a year of battling in DC and i mean horrific scenes, it was awful, etc.... we finally just gave in and let ALL the anger go...we actually were texting and calling, we do have an adult son, so we were communicating very well...getting along GReat!! maybe TOO well... his OW/ gf, whatever SHE is now...was NOT having ANY of it.. so one day he calls me and says this, " i can no longer speak to u...ever again!" period. seriously..LOL...what??? after 15 years of marriage and a lifetime of friendship and shared families (another story)... he is so 'whipped' by his OW that she actually convinced him to never speak to me again... so be it...i never called him again... he did email me a few months back about some medical insurance crap...i did not respond, was not my issue.. anyway...i guess after all that rambling...LOL..my point is this.. we all have very different reasons we dont' speak to our X's.. sad really, huh...like i said, my XH and i were doing great, we had both moved on...i had forgave him, even wished him happiness and health... but for some reason, like i said earlier, be it the holidays or ??? i am so very angry at the OW...and my XH for being such a p***y and not speaking to me...for NO good reason :~( and THIS was all a year ago or more...so why am i so P.O.'d now?? i have gotten past the point i was at the other day, where i wanted to call the OW and reem her... again, Thank God, literally for LS...or i might have broken that NC with HER. so like u said, LS is a life saver...and more... take care and thank u for the posts...
strangeways Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I've benefited greatly from advice given throughout the year from quite a few LS'ers. But some tend to think our hearts should be iceboxes when dealing with our exes. I believe it should be hardened to the extent that we don't allow ourselves to be sucked into foolish mindgames. But I don't buy into the mentality that because my ex decided to leave for greener pastures, he's the Devil incarnate. If he wasn't happy, a man has every right to check out of the relationship and so does a woman in that position. I agree with you but it's no surprise that some dumpees feel this way because, mainly, of how the end of the relationship was handled. If there were lies, broken promises, cheating then what should be expected? If the dumpee were treated with respect and given honest explanations about why the relationship came to an end then it would be easier to "forgive". Unfortunately, a lot, if not most, of the dumpees don't seem to have been given this respect. A lot of people on here are still raw from the breakup. Acceptance/forgiveness comes with time.
radiodarcy Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I do want to get to the point where i can forgive him. and to be fair he did give me a detailed (albeit harsh) explanation for why i needed to move on. but i repressed a lot of the anger i had against him for so long out of fear of losing him that i really feel i need to get that out of my system before i can get to the point where i can truly forgive him. without experiencing that anger forgiveness will be next to impossible.
alwayshoping Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I agree with this post. Nevertheless it's very idealistic. People hurt after a breakup and go through the 5 stages of grief. This is a given. Most relationships ended abruptly and when cheating/great lengths of time are involved its hard to offer the person who broke our hearts forgiveness. Jeez we can't even forgive ourselves. Thus NC's primary aim is to speed up the process of dealing with the stagesnof grief. Once the final stage is reached (acceptance) the person may forgive. I stress they may forgive. Afterall it's our choice and only time and grief can allow us the opportunity to consider forgiveness. The posts you see are people going through denial anger bargaining depression and finally acceptance. I, having gone through all stages and forgiving my ex for cheating on me and treating me like crap do not regret any of the stages I have gone through otherwise forgiveness wouldn't be an option. So whilst the end result of NC is to re-establish your self worth and life, forgivenss is mearly an option dependent on whether people feel their ex deserves forgiveness and is truly sorry for their actions x
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