tsivina Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) I have recently ended a 4 year relationship because I was ready to get married, and my (ex) boyfriend was not. We still love each other and want to be together but realized that it isn't fair to either of us to continue in a relationship that has no real future. He says that he's always wanted to marry me and that he'll always love me but he's not financially or mentally ready to get married. I understood that for a long time and did not pressure him at all. But recently he told me that ever since he was a child he never imagined himself getting married until he was in his 30s (he's currently 26) that was a major red flag for me and we had a mature discussion and realized that we just weren't on the same page anymore. I saw him yesterday because he offered to watch my dog over the holidays while i fly home to be with my family, and it brought up all these emotions and I haven't been able to stop crying and hoping that one day he will realize that i am the one and mature and propose. We talked about staying best friends, maybe not at first, but working towards that in the future, because neither of us can imagine our lives without each other in it. I'm just having such a hard time with facing the fact that our relationship is actually over and we won't get to see each other and talk everyday and he wont be in my life the way he used to be, it's heartbraking to picture my life without him. I guess i just want to know if these feelings are normal and not a sign of making the wrong choice? My head is telling me that i made the right choice, but my heart doesn't agree. But it just wouldnt be right to continue in our relationship because i know that his plans for proposing are no where near what i want or need. I also don't want to ever pressure him into proposing because then the marriage is doomed to fail. Edited December 22, 2010 by tsivina
january2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 No matter the circumstances, most people find the beginning of a break up hard going. The up and down of your emotions can take a huge toll and your heart is likely to require more time before it catches up with your head. Realise that you are not just giving up him, you are giving up your hopes and dreams of your future together. That's tough. Your head knows that that future isn't going to happen but your heart is still holding onto it. I know that the decision was mutual, but I still suggest a period of complete NC for at least six months, if not a year, to give each other space to heal and stabilise your emotions. By all means have one last meeting, phone call or email to agree to commit to this plan of action. But after that, allow each other the freedom to rebuild your individual lives. After the period of NC, you will both be in a stronger position to determine how you can go forward and whether or not you really can be friends.
creighton0123 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Why is marriage at this point in time so important to you? There are number of couples who see one another monogamously for the better part of 5 to 10 years before discussing marriage. Not judging you at all. I'm just wondering why the issue of marriage - an option not even available to some couples - was enough to separate with a person you obviously loved so much who loved you in return...
Author tsivina Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) I guess I should have mentioned that we were also in a LDR. We live 5 hours apart and weren't able too see each other that often. He had suggested that i move in with him over the next summer but that he still didn't want to get married even then. I live in the US and he lives in Canada so the thought of changing my citizenship and life for a relationship that may or may not be headed for marriage was not an option for me. I believe that when two people are soul mates and love one another no reasons or excuses will be enough to keep them from ending up together. He always said that he wasnt going to propose until he was financially ready, and i'm sure that was an excuse or a way to further push the idea of marriage into the future. I just couldn't continue being in a relationship that didn't seem to be progressing. I gave him as much time as possible but there comes a point where you have to do what makes you happy as well, and i realized that i was not happy in a LDR especially one that seemed to be going on forever. I also feel that if a guy isn't ready after dating someone for 4 years, they most likely will never be ready. Edited December 22, 2010 by tsivina
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