ElaineM Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I found out my husband went on one of those webcam sites where you pay girls to do sexual acts for you on webcam in a "private chat." He claims he only did it once on one day with three different girls in succession. I am incredibly hurt and feel disrespected. The worst part of it is, I was well aware of these sites years ago, and when he and I had a talk about boundaries early on, before we were married, I said I was okay with the occasional porn but not with anything interactive, including these webcam sites. That I considered it cheating because another person is involved. He knew how I felt, but he did it anyway. He also lied to me about it when I asked him. We've been married for 2.5 years and had a son almost nine months ago. If this had happened before we'd gotten married and had a baby, I probably would have broken up with him. It bothers me so much on different levels, especially that he knew this was a no-no and didn't care about my feelings. And then he lied. I've lost trust in him, so when he says he won't do it again, I have no way of knowing if that's true, you know? I mean, what else is he doing to lie about? Am I overreacting?
UnsureinSeattle Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 No- it sounds like you discussed it and set a boundary- a boundary that he crossed. That's not overreaction. I guess the next discussion should be what he intends to do to make amends and earn back your trust. I would even say it like that- "We set this boundary together, and you crossed over it- now I have a hard time trusting you. What are you going to do to earn back my trust?" It irritates me that, time and time again, we see stories here of how two people didn't communicate (particularly about porn, which really shouldn't be nearly as big of a deal as it ends up being) and one or both parties gets hurt. Here, you DID communicate up front and still this happens. Pretty lame.
Author ElaineM Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Thanks for your reply, Seattle. Yeah, he has not exactly earned back my trust. He excuses it like it's a porn thing, a mere dalliance, and "it's not personal." But, it boils down to that he crossed a boundary we had set and I don't trust him! That means he probably doesn't feel very bad about lying to me. Now I don't trust him in general.
carhill Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Invite him to reconsider his position alone.
Author ElaineM Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Invite him to reconsider his position alone. Elaborate?
carhill Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 'Your behavior in this matter, refusal to adhere to the boundary we agreed upon and dismissal of my feelings is *unacceptable*. I want you to leave while I consider my options.' That sounds harsh. A lot of people would opine unnecessarily so. OK, fair enough. Sometimes people who are insensitive need a kick in the balls to clear the fog in their brain. Happy to help
Author ElaineM Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Thanks, carhill, but I don't think that is going to work in this matter as we have a new son. If we were dating or even living together, I'd say, "See ya!" but we're not. We are married and have a child. That makes it not easy.
carhill Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 'It appears we have a disagreement about an important boundary and I consider breaching this boundary to be an injury to our marriage and, more importantly, my trust in you. I'm going to make an appointment tomorrow to see a MC so we can resolve this issue. I love you and I want this marriage to be healthy. What time is good for you?' Then, act. If he waffles, accept that and go alone. He can babysit while you go. 'Can't' should not be in his vocabulary. When he says 'can't', it means 'won't'. Everyone has a choice, about anything. I hope you and he make healthy ones.
YellowShark Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 First of all you have to pay to have interactive one-on-one. Second you have informed him this was a boundary in your relationship. Finally he didn't come clean when you initially questioned him. It's really the virtual equivalent of getting a lap-dance at a strip club. Not the end of the world. Explain it to him like this. "Visualize a gastank honey. It used to be full of trust. But when you paid for online sexual acts and then lied to me about it you emptied that gastank. I now have a hard time trusting you, and it breaks my heart, perhaps we need to see a marriage counsellor to figure out how to rebuild our trust." His actions will then speak louder than words. Best of luck.
Author ElaineM Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Oh, forgot OP, welcome to LS Thank you!
Author ElaineM Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 First of all you have to pay to have interactive one-on-one. Second you have informed him this was a boundary in your relationship. Finally he didn't come clean when you initially questioned him. It's really the virtual equivalent of getting a lap-dance at a strip club. Not the end of the world. Explain it to him like this. "Visualize a gastank honey. It used to be full of trust. But when you paid for online sexual acts and then lied to me about it you emptied that gastank. I now have a hard time trusting you, and it breaks my heart, perhaps we need to see a marriage counsellor to figure out how to rebuild our trust." His actions will then speak louder than words. Best of luck. First, he didn't have to pay for it. If he had I would have been even angrier -- using the family funds on e-hookers? Yeah. Second, he knows how I feel about it. He's not quite sure how to explain it to me, and, BTW, I consider it a step beyond a lapdance. He told me what he asked them to do.
YellowShark Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 First, he didn't have to pay for it. If he had I would have been even angrier -- using the family funds on e-hookers? Yeah. But you said... I found out my husband went on one of those webcam sites where you pay girls to do sexual acts for you on webcamin a "private chat." He claims he only did it once on one day with three different girls in succession. So I read that he payed to have girls do sexual acts for him via webcam three different times in one day. Am I incorrect? I only ask for clarification because that is how these sites generate revenue, by charging men to watch girls do sex acts.
Linda9999 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Are you sure that's all he's done?? He should be willing to chop his left arm off if you ask him to right now, not trying to say it was no big deal. I'd be digging to see what else he's been up to.
macgyver359 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I have a friend that has done this before. Her wife was so mad, she smashed his computer, because she said she could not look at it, it was tainted with his infidelity. Also you have to pay somehow, or is this a new girl friend with perks. I wonder what is going on hear. You need a spy program that takes a pic of the screen every 1 min. Then you play them back as a movie of what he does, on the computer. As a guy, I think he is doing more then this right now, I feel it some how. Look if he is lying to you about this, (cheating), that he is doing no questions about it. He has Enough balls to cheat in real life too. That's my take on it, so I think you need to show him who is the boss. Go to the court office and get divorce papers. Do not file just scare him s*it less. Then get a lawyer info , just some paper work from there office too. Let me know what happens.
Author ElaineM Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 I feel a bit silly posting back here because I posted on another forum about this and forgot I posted here. I bookmarked my thread, even, LOL, which is how I found it again. I really appreciate the time that you folks have taken to answer my question. I will answer some of yours. I don't want to go into the details, but my husband did not pay for his three shows directly. He was given a name and pw from a DIFFERENT site that he did pay for and the whole thing is really dodgy. That was a part of why I was so angry at him. Immoral on many different levels. And I verified this when we had our big blow-up about it and he showed me all financial info. Anyway, we are getting along, but I suppose I don't really trust him anymore, and that bothers me. I'm not used to people casually lying to me. If he had told me he wanted to do this, I may have been fine with it. Maybe I wouldn't, I don't know, he never asked. I sometimes have fantasies of doing the same thing myself, but that sounds utterly unappealing and kind of pathetic. Thanks to all who took the time to reply, though. I really appreciated it.
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