amythan Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Hello - I have been really sad during the last days but now i start to feel positive again. The story is a classic one where all the typical mistakes are included. We were friends and without notice it, we became extreme close. We start to go out together - despite the distance - and the relationship moved really fast. His words never matched his actions. He said that we should keep it "casual" but he was the one contacting me every day, asking to travel all around to meet and so on ... And at some point I realized I was way too involved here. But I was happy. Really happy. Then out of the blue he back off and said he was not seen things straight. I thought he needed space and he come back but more distant. We went together again and we planned a trip for xmas but due to work things we decide to postpone it. We got an argument about this trip where i said that i was under the impression that he was not serious about this trip and i wanted to know to make other plans. He was very sweet saying that i should not be sad and blah blah .... I sent him an email saying that i missed him and what we used to have. And how i missed my friend. And that i would like to know if he feels the same. NO REPLY. One week later i realize that he was gone - maybe bothered by my email - and i decided to send a second email just telling him how bad the situation at work was but i was happy anyway because i am going home and wishing merry xmas. At this point i was just trying to show that i would like to be at least friendly. NO REPLY. I didn't send a third email and i do not plan to contact him never again. Despite how much i want to Why people leave without saying bye ? Why they claim they care so much and how they value the friendship and then show so little respect ? I am moving on but after all these months i feel like he never cared. If he had told me that he was not interested anymore it would had been much easier and i would not feel now as if it was my fault. Thanks for reading this.
Author amythan Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 I am finding very difficult to accept that he just disappeared. It is like: you mean so little to me that i do not give a sh*t about your feelings. If he had told me, i suck it up. Now i am obsessed wondering what i did so wrong. And even if i did something he could find annoying, everybody does sometimes, right ? We used to be happy together, and i used to be the best girl ever ... it is funny how things change for some people so fast.
sango4507 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 im sure it has nothing to do with you some people are just selfsih
WTRanger Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I know how you feel, I'm in an very similar situation. I think these people are super afraid of getting close to someone, perhaps they had something in their past as in the girl in my case, and they forever feel that they will get that hurt again. So to avoid getting hurt, they push people out of their lives and run for the hills. They create sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. They always think that anyone they get close to will always leave them, but they don't realize it is they who are doing the leaving. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. In my experience, when they run they are gone. Maybe forever, maybe for a bit but the more you try to pull them back in you just succeed in pushing them away. It's a horrible, horrible situation. You just have to remember that you did nothing wrong, though when people do this you feel as if it was all your fault. It's not. This is a defense mechanism of these people and they'll do it for the rest of their life. Some therapists say that a true friend or person will deal with the push and pull and always be the rock for that person. You sort of let them go, then accept them when they come back. But at certain points, it's too painful because you know it will happen again. You simply cannot do this to yourself. Perhaps friends can do it, but once real feelings are involved it is just soul crushing. I feel for you. Remember, you did nothing wrong. But there is also nothing else you can do at this point. You just have to let this person run until they get tired of running. They have to make the choice to come back, if they come back.
delajoonal Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Hello - I have been really sad during the last days but now i start to feel positive again. The story is a classic one where all the typical mistakes are included. We were friends and without notice it, we became extreme close. We start to go out together - despite the distance - and the relationship moved really fast. His words never matched his actions. He said that we should keep it "casual" but he was the one contacting me every day, asking to travel all around to meet and so on ... And at some point I realized I was way too involved here. But I was happy. Really happy. Then out of the blue he back off and said he was not seen things straight. I thought he needed space and he come back but more distant. We went together again and we planned a trip for xmas but due to work things we decide to postpone it. We got an argument about this trip where i said that i was under the impression that he was not serious about this trip and i wanted to know to make other plans. He was very sweet saying that i should not be sad and blah blah .... I sent him an email saying that i missed him and what we used to have. And how i missed my friend. And that i would like to know if he feels the same. NO REPLY. One week later i realize that he was gone - maybe bothered by my email - and i decided to send a second email just telling him how bad the situation at work was but i was happy anyway because i am going home and wishing merry xmas. At this point i was just trying to show that i would like to be at least friendly. NO REPLY. I didn't send a third email and i do not plan to contact him never again. Despite how much i want to Why people leave without saying bye ? Why they claim they care so much and how they value the friendship and then show so little respect ? I am moving on but after all these months i feel like he never cared. If he had told me that he was not interested anymore it would had been much easier and i would not feel now as if it was my fault. Thanks for reading this. gosh sweetie, i have no advice, but want to say i really felt your pain...in my chest as reading your post..i am very sorry this man did this to u :~( why or how people can be so mean, i will never know... u sound very clear headed and u have your 'stuff' together... sounds like u r too good for that man...maybe he knew IT too. u sound like a very sweet person with alot to offer..the RIGHT man..some day..just keep being u and don't let this man sour your quest for life and love..OK. take care and have a Wonderful Christmas with your family!
Author amythan Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Thank you for your replies. Actually they make me feel better I realized that the disappearing act itself is very hurtful but the worst thing is that he stopped to reply when i expressed the fact that i missed what we used to have. I loved every minute of our time together and i miss terribly my friend. When he started to be distant I realized that i love him but he made feel insecure. So I wanted to express what I feel that something has changed and I guess I was looking for reassurance. Maybe he thought about us and just wanted to re-frame the relationship as "more casual" and he was bothered about my genuine feelings. I can understand that maybe we were not on the same page, even if we were in the past. But I expected at least he respected my feelings, a quick reply explaining this would be enough to stay friends - in the future - and it would show a genuine care about me as a person. It was this lack of respect what hurt me more. Maybe I should had understood when he started to pull away ... I just trusted him. His words. And the worse thing is I told him last time I saw him, that i trusted him as a friend and that i expected him to don't hurt me on purpose. I guess this judgment of his character was not my brightest thought
strangeways Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) It was this lack of respect what hurt me more. Maybe I should had understood when he started to pull away ... I just trusted him. His words. And the worse thing is I told him last time I saw him, that i trusted him as a friend and that i expected him to don't hurt me on purpose. It's easy to be taken in by someones words when you're in love. I think a lot of us have done this, especially by those we felt blind-sided by. I think everything WTRanger is spot on. In the future I'll be more concious of whether peoples actions match their words. The lack of respect towards you is shocking. But that's about him, not you. It's his lack of respect for himself that is, perhaps, even more shocking. Any "normal", emotionally healthy person would not be able to do this to someone. Edited December 23, 2010 by strangeways
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