Mixed Signals / Last chance?

[NG85]

Some background: My ex and I have been split up for about 2 months, and within a few weeks she found a new guy - Who's very long-distance...Very VERY long-distance.

 

The thing is I've been told here and other places that she most likely still has feelings for me. We were together for almost 3 years, and I find it hard to believe that someone can just move on in the blink of an eye. We spoke on webcam 2 weeks ago after about a month of NC, and I had to go after about a half hour. She acted very nonchalantly towards me, until I had to go - She ended up begging me to stay on, saying she missed me and that she doesn't like that we never talk anymore. We have a ton of past history, and it seems like she brings me up a lot in conversation to her friends, family, and even her boyfriend. I've also been working out, and she's been admiring my physical appearance, something she never really used to do.

 

One major thing I've been told is a sign that she still has feelings is that she's been doing a lot of bragging when we talk. Bragging about her job, about something new she got, and a lot of bragging about her boyfriend. I play it off cool and don't get angry or jealous, but it was kind of an overload. I've been told that she's trying to make me jealous, which is a sign that she still cares.

 

Her interests really shift towards me, though, when I say I have to go. Then she can't stop asking me questions about myself, trying to find out what I've been up to. I've been keeping things kind of vague, so I guess this is piquing her interests. She also helped me out big time when I switched careers, and she says she's really proud of me that I'm advancing as fast as I am.

 

She's also initiated pretty much all of the post-breakup contact, aside from about 2 times. And I know Facebook isn't real life, but she comments on almost everything I post. I don't use FB much, and I've been told it's alright to keep your ex on your friend's list as long as you block access to their profile and block them from your newsfeed. I have no idea what's going on in her FB page, but it's evident that she's been lurking mine pretty regularly due to the amount of comments she's making.

 

She lives about 1-2 hours away, and so meeting up in person is a bit tough. We've discussed meeting up in about a month and a half, which is the first time either of us will be available, and I said I'd be interested. It'll be good to be able to see each other in person rather than over a computer screen. It's also a surefire way to really figure out if this person is worth pursuing - Online or on the phone it's easy to put up a sort of shield.

 

But there's a problem - Between now and our proposed meet up date she's flying out to visit her new bf, which is a hell of a trip. They've only met in person once, which isn't much, and it sounds like they're still in the honeymoon phase. So this trip could either bring them together, or she'll realize how much of a pain this thing will be to maintain and be pushed away. I really wonder, though, if this trip will be detrimental to trying to get a second chance.

 

I'm still reflecting on things and working on myself to be a better person, and also trying to figure out if it's worth it to try and have a new relationship with her. I'm a problem-solver, both as a person and as part of my career, so I can't help thinking about trying to reconcile and start again with her. She seems to have changed, too, but I don't know if it's a front or if she's still the same person she was when we broke up. I feel that being single has given me lots of free time to work on improving myself, but since she never really had that break of being completely single I wonder if she has really changed at all, or if these changes she talks about are really just a front.

Edited December 22, 2010 by NG85

[january2010]

Because you didn't go NC after the breakup, you're still invested in this 'relationship' and haven't really let go, thus the confusion about mixed signals.

 

She's with someone else now and she appears to be using you to fill in the gaps when she's not seeing the other guy.

 

Don't be her Plan B/Fallback Guy. Go full NC (delete and block) and stick to it.

[IfiKnewThen]

let me just say a thing or two about distance. it doesnt matter! i am serious. the person i was with was LDR and near 2000 miles away lasted 10 years and was very serious. also, he just married someone 3 days ago who lives in another country 700 miles from him (mexico) and hes going to wait till however long till she gets her permanent resident card...for his wife to return to the USA. another person i knew went to the phillipians flew all the way over there to end up with his new wife. and yes , all of these people were/.are very much in love with their partners who were very far a way, once upon a time. when youer far away from home you can feel vulnerable and want to cuddle more. you bond somehow in this new atmosphere.

 

now i am NOT trying to make you sick to your stomach. i hurt when anyone feels hurt these days. thats how hurt i am. but i am telling you this because distance is a pain but its not the biggest obstacle out there . so dont be deceived.

 

she does seem to feel somewhat insecure about how mentally and emotionally far away you might have gotten from her. but to travel to see this guy ..is huge.

 

 

where is the silver lining in this story? that the one thing distance can do is give YOU more time with her..if you play your cards right. if you get a date with her...keep it. dont play games. this is no time for games. she already looking for something new. but i think its possible to rekindle if you really try. make her happy. laugh, make your own "love bonds" ...aka experiences. remember good times when you are together and talk about that.

 

i know youre concerned..about ..will she even want a date after she returns...there is also the factor that you have to put that jelously aside and not question her or talk about HIM. and make him get into your date. some would say move on. but if you love her fight for her. dont assume..its all good or take it for granted. who broke up with who here? i wish you good luck.

[NG85]

Thanks for the advice, January and IfIKnewThen. We were both thinking about getting space from one another around the same time, but she was the first to bring it up. We both agreed to it, and there wasn't any real animosity.

 

I still spoke to her occasionally, but once I found out she had the new bf I just went complete NC. I had no idea about NC, and so I figured it was safe to still talk to her at first. We didn't speak for about 3 weeks, until she sent me a comment on FB. Then she started sending little texts once every few days. I only initiated contact with her about a month into NC to first ask her if she wanted to talk on webcam a few weeks ago, and then recently because I needed to ask her a question about a project I was working on.

 

The past few days she's been in pretty constant contact. Today she did a double whammy - A Facebook comment and an IM through AIM. If she does something like text me I can ignore it, but AIM is a bit trickier to do, so I just weasel my way out as quickly as I can - I don't want to come across as a complete dick and sign off as soon as she IMs me.

 

These mixed signals are driving me nuts! I really have no idea why she'd want to contact me so much if we're through and she's supposedly happy with this new guy.

 

And IfiKnewThen, I like your last paragraph. I'm still going through the motions of trying to figure out whether or not it's worth it to win her back. We'd both have to do a lot of changing, and while I am working on myself, I don't know if she is. Like I mentioned in my first post, I'm always in a problem-solving mindset. I'm of the belief that the only person holding you back from anything is yourself, and I'm trying to keep a positive mental attitude throughout this whole thing. It was my lack of caring that contributed to the break-up, so by working on myself I'm doing my part to either make her see me in a new light, or make myself more attractive for a new partner.

[IfiKnewThen]

thats sounds good ..what youre doing. but i just think it would be a good idea..if you let her see how you are more caring. i am glad your not ignoring Im's. thats such an ill feeling for the person trying to connect with you. being hard to get is one thing..a hassle is another. really dont be too hard to get or a hassle. she sounds like she wants more closeness. make it like a dance. follow her lead. (i know other might not agree). but thats how i feel. if you pull her or push her away....there no real flow to the dance. and worse you have someone else asking her to dance now.

 

 

so with that in mind...make it flow...make it work. yes she has to work on her ...and great you are working on you. but what work is she WITNESSING from you? if she cant see it, she cant appreciate it. so i think if you want a shot with her...be a bit more demonstrative.

 

the female doesnt always (barely ever) want the guy thats hard to get...but instead wants the guy that 'gets her".

 

sometimes one person works on themselves...and moves ahead of another. maybe she not caught up with you. and sometimes it takes the person who has grown and sees their not perfect...to help the other see the light by how they now act better. you cant really say to someone all the time..hey you improve...sometimes when they see we have improved...it gives insenitive. i mean you have to tell the ones your with if things arent right what you think needs to change. but youre not at that stage. first you have to get a new date going here and make it fun and feel good and then talk. oh well just thinking thats a plausible approach to this.

 

just dont play games if you do get together with her. i wish you could see her b4 she goes away. but its ok if you dont. if your young...there a good chance...the LDR wont work : )

[NG85]

That's some good insight, IiKT. We're actually planning to talk on webcam again within the next few days. I brought it up and she's been completely receptive to it.

 

The big change she noticed was that I looked thinner the first time we talked on webcam. I was never obese, but I was really out of shape towards the end. I let myself go, and I knew I had to get in shape, but she nagged me so much that it made me NOT want to do anything about it. I had a lot more free time after the break up, so I started working out and losing weight. I also bought some new clothes, which I wore and which she admired. On the other hand, though, my thinner physique and new clothes have boosted my confidence with women in general. I went to a club last week and danced with a bunch of girls, something I never had the guts to do. One of them even kissed me! I'm taking baby steps and I'm not ready to be in a full-on relationship yet, but that night definitely made me feel really good about myself.

 

I've been letting her lead a lot of the conversation, and having her initiate most of them. This is sort of bad, because she really just ends up talking about herself, and I just sort of piggy back on things she's said. As I mentioned before, she begins to really express interest in me when I have to go - It's like she has this fear of losing me. Next time we talk, though, I'm going to try and turn the conversation around to me. I have a lot of exciting things going on career-wise, and I think it'd make me look good in her eyes to know that I'm doing well and there are a lot of demands for my services, and that my hard work is paying off.

 

We are both young, in our early 20's, and she's still in school, which would make a LDR much much harder - When I was i college I didn't even have time to go to the city that was 20 minutes away. My plan is to try and talk to her on webcam twice before she leaves, and hopefully leave an impression. Who knows what her trip will bring, but I do know that she definitely wants to see me a month or 2 from now. I only hope she doesn't bring any friends, or worse yet, come to visit me with the boyfriend.

Edited December 23, 2010 by NG85

[IfiKnewThen]

you sound smart and strong. i think you will be great with or WITHOUT her. congratz about the weight loss but please remember..you are terrific with or without it.

 

 

it shouldnt be all about the physical. i am hoping she was concerned baout your health and nothing more. and thats all you should worry about too. people are very attractive in all shapes and sizes.

 

 

quote: I've been letting her lead a lot of the conversation, and having her initiate most of them. This is sort of bad, because she really just ends up talking about herself, and I just sort of piggy back on things she's said.

 

 

Omg this really hit home with me..because very very sadly...i did this to someone....the were a great listener and i blew it by talking about me too much. YOU are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. it should be about both of you. the conversations. both interests etc. my guy ended up resenting me and i ened up not knowing a thing about him including that he stopped being interested in me. so BINGO...this is very important here. it has to be about each of you

 

 

when i said its a dance...and talked about leading....i meant...follow the course of things...dont push her away or pull her too close too fast. i didnt mean let her free style by HERSELF. you have to know about each of you. i also meant...you could follow her by picking up on her feelings. i was speaking of when people break up and you dont know where you stand when trying to get back together. you sound like such a nice guy. and you guys are very young still . (is true when youre my age you will know how young the 20's are)

 

so she likely wont end up with this guy. its possible but you have better odds i think.

 

 

the cam thing is awesome. real proud of you over here. glad she is going to join you. keep us updated. good luck

[NG85]

So my ex and I had our second webcam meet-up last night for about an hour. It went pretty well. The conversation was a bit awkward at times, but sure enough, as soon as I said I had to go, she made a sad face and kept me online for another half hour, and we actually had a really nice conversation after that.

 

A few things stood out in my mind. One was that, for all you Seinfeld fans out there, it was Festivus yesterday. She talked about having an "Airing of Grievances" (Telling someone else all the problems you have with them), but that I hadn't done anything recently to bother her, so she had nothing to say. I joked that this is the first conversation we've ever had where we didn't argue or "Air grievances". She also said that the Holidays are stressing her out, and she's ready to flip out on anyone who talks to her, but that she was fine talking to me and had no problems with me.

 

In the conversation she was once again talking about herself a lot, but this time I piggy backed on it by mentioning things about myself. I had a lot of really cool stuff happen career-wise, and whenever I mentioned it, she'd sort of say half-assedly "Cool" or "That's nice", then try and change the subject. My career change put a big rift between us, I think, and I wonder if it pissed her off that I was talking a lot about it. Or maybe she was just jealous, who knows. Also, I told her about a conversation I had with a woman on the bus recently who used to live in my ex's current city. My ex sort of displayed some quirks she used to have whenever she was jealous or whenever she would see me talking to another woman, no matter how platonic it was.

 

The conversation went well, and I wished her a Merry Christmas in case I don't talk to her over the weekend (It's going to be a very busy weekend for me). But before I left, she told me she was having some friends over on Christmas, and she wanted to set up her computer in the room with everyone and have a webcam chat with me so I could essentially be a part of the party, if only for a little bit. It's a nice gesture and I don't know if I'll be around to webcam chat, but out of all her friends who can't make it to her place on Christmas, why have me do a webcam chat with all her new school friends?

 

And lastly, she talked about her boyfriend a lot less, although she was working on a Christmas present for him while we were talking. She's going to visit him around New Year's for something like a week, and rather than brag and act cool about it like she normally does, she said she was nervous and was afraid of flying and said she worried she might hate the city and never want to go back. Really insecure, and I didn't expect it. I told her she'd do fine and that I wished her luck and hoped she had a good time. She's been looking to move to a new city over the summer, and she had mentioned that she was considering moving to the city where her new boyfriend is - But that she doesn't want to re-arrange her life for someone else. Her main city of interest is a city that she lived in for a while, and is closer to me. I thought she hated this city and couldn't wait to leave, but she said it had its moments. I asked her what she liked, and she couldn't come up with an answer, except that it was like the city I live in, but not as big or busy. I really have no idea what that could mean.

 

We also talked about meeting up soon. On the day we chose she said that she couldn't come up to visit, but that we could meet halfway in another town where she wants to visit some friends. I'm trying to figure out if it'd be worth it to do that - It'd be more convenient for both of us to meet up halfway, but I know my area a lot better than either of us know this halfway area, and I'm sure I could find a better time and more things to do.

Edited December 24, 2010 by NG85