Share your thoughts - Relationship issue.

[confused05]

Hello All,

 

So I am just looking for a little advice or maybe a second opinion on something. My main goal is to be 100% fair to my girl and myself which I think I am being but I could be wrong.

 

May get lengthy sorry.

 

Situation :

 

Shes 22 im 31 ( age gap ) we both have ex's of like 5 years and we still both communicate with them here and there nothing crazy. We have been dating 7 months which has been flawless until this little issue.

 

So I get a text 2 weeks ago from my ex while my current gf is on my phone playing a game. She just hands me my phone and says your ex texted you. No biggie it was about luggage and I showed her it. Everything was fine but she was quite ( i knew something was bothering her ) later she tells me that I dont know how much she loves me and she just doesnt want her heart broken. I said I would never and not to worry. Everyhting goes back to normal.

The actual problem that prompted this post.

 

Fast fwd 2 weeks later we are going out on Sunday for drinks, We do this every sunday. Same place same peoople but this sunday her ex is gonna be there. ( I knew this already and was ok with it ) I expected them to hug talk bs do a shot or two etc. What I didnt expect and made me upset was when she took his hat off put it on her head and proceeded to dance with him. She admitted to being drunk but 3 days later and her argument still is that she didn't doing anything wrong. I didn't flip out at all. She told me I didn't dance dirty I did nothing wrong, But something as small as me getting a text from my ex got her very upset just a week earlier.

 

Then she says Things are diff with us now, I think you are too controlling. I reassured her I would never care if she danced with someone that wasnt her ex she didn't dance in a sexual way. I said again it was who it was with not what you did. How would you feel? She keeps falling back on me being controlling. I would never care if it wasnt her ex and just said it was disrespectful and that a hug, talking, a drink, bsing, chillen etc wouldn't and didn't bother me at all. We barely spoke that whole night cause she had friends in town and that was all fine with me.

 

Anyway what do you guys think? Am I wrong to feel a little updset she danced with her ex right in front of me? I know this would bother her.

 

Im just trying to be as fair as I can be but she keeps insisting im controlling and she did nothing wrong. I said you didnt sleep with the guy it just hurt to see thats all, if it was one of my friends she did it with or a random person I would of not even though twice of anything.

 

I really care about this girl or I wouldnt even bother to seek out a 2nd un-biased opinion.

 

Thanks Guys, Please share your thoughts.. Again this relat has been perfect and id hate to loose her over crap but I gotta be fair to myself as well.

Edited December 22, 2010 by confused05

[ShatteredReality]

I certainly don't think this situation should be the end of a great relationship. It's perfectly ok to voice your fears or opinions to someone - you just have to do it the right way. She is claiming you're being controlling, it sounds like you've tried to explain that you're not trying to be controlling. I'm not sure how you've worded it, but one way to reassure a woman is just to let her know the simple facts. "I just wanted to let you know it made me feel uncomfortable. Kind of how you felt after my ex texted me a few weeks ago - I have a lot invested in this too. I love you and don't want my heart broken either. If you flirt with him (taking the hat) and dance with him - he may get the wrong signals from you and we could have a problem develop. I don't care if you talk to him, I don't care if you see him socially...but dancing can be more romantic - even if the moves aren't sexual." Ok...so maybe the wording needs tweaking still even there...but - if that's how you're feeling - something like that...then drop it and don't discuss it again unless she brings it up. Just put it out there, tell her you don't want to argue you don't want to dwell, it was bothering you, now you've told her how you feel, let's move on from here and forget about it. If it happens again, at least then you can tell her you've mentioned this and she knows how it makes you feel and can she please try to respect your feelings...but I wouldn't worry about it until you cross that bridge.

[creighton0123]

Her response calling you controlling and her "I dont know how much she loves me and she just doesnt want her heart broken" comment suggests that she is still emotionally/romantically immature.

 

That's not a bad thing. It's just a thing. You're dating someone who is young and relatively inexperienced in life and in love. Granted, 22 year olds can be romantically mature, but her approach and her comments suggest that she is not.

 

You'll just have to love her for that and spend some extra time/energy showing her how much you care. That way, she'll be more confident in herself, in you, and in your relationship overall.

 

If her dancing with her ex comes up again, fess up. "You're right. It shouldn't be something that bothered me, but at the time it did make me feel jealous. It's only because I care about you so much."

 

You can most definitely salvage this little bump and become stronger for it, supporting her a little more emotionally until she's at a point where she's more organized in her thoughts, feelings, and actions :-)

[jimrich]

You are suffering with insecurity and JEALOUSY which is always the result of bad self worth and poor self regard.

google: self worth and get busy improving yours

then her 'ex' will no longer be a problem for you

and, if you need to confront her behavior, you will be able to do it as a sensible, confident, respectful adult - not as an insecure child.

[sfranks1492]

She would likely be upset if the shoe was on the other foot (based on her issue over a simply text) Sounds like she is trying to justify what she did so that you won't be upset over it. When in actuality she wouldn't like it if you had done that to her. This is minor. I wouldn't worry so much about it as it's a small problem. Don't make it into a bigger problem. Let it go and move on (unless something similar happens again and the same ex is involved) And, set the expectation for what should and should not occur with respect to the EXes int he relationship so you both know what is and isn't acceptable.

[confused05]

Thanks so much for the help guys, We have ironed this out... I still feel she still doesn't totally see the wrong in it ( how she doesn't i do not know ) Ill blame that on emotionally young still. But all in all it looks like everything is ok. I explained its not what you did its who you did it with.