Kendrick Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Why is that there are some people who have no trouble being physical (sexual) with another person, but they can not seem to connect emotionally? By physical I'm not meaning they always have a quickie with another person and thats it. I'm saying they have no problem being sexual with a person period, but they can not connect emotionally with another person outside of the bedroom? Do some people just shut that side of themselves off, if so why? And yes, I meaning people who are in relationships, married etc, not one night stands etc. Thoughts?
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 People are unique beings--all with differing chemistries, experiences, senses of normality etc. It wouldn't serve to say what is wrong with "people" as in each person there is a story. Some can have mild social handicaps in which social/emotional connection is difficult if not off their radar entirely. We see it in pronounced cases like in people with Aspergers, Downs et al but it is there too in many people with lesser syndrome symptoms. All I can say it is a blessing not to be troubled by this myself in myself. But I wish I could also say that I haven't been in relationships in which my partner weren't trouble within herself. It has been my unfortunate experience to find out after a total fiasco of the heart that I was engaged to someone with borderline personality disorder which made it impossible for her to accept her errors in judgment (always defensive at the drop of a hat without reason, very suspicious and always drawing negative conclusions which I gave no reason to think). She could be saying on some other forum that "I" didn't connect with her. But it wouldn't be one identity speaking. We went to counseling and the therapist routinely questioned her on her trashing our good will toward each other for no apparent reason. She would act like she was hearing this for the first time and just sort of laugh it off. Hello. We're IN COUNSELING. Either someone or both are doing something unreasonable. It was all the worst waste of my heart because it was hopeless--she did not possess the capability to change herself for the better and surely is working on husband number 6 by now. Poor guys.
Author Kendrick Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 "It wouldn't serve to say what is wrong with "people" as in each person there is a story". Who said that?
EnigmasMuse Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 My father was like this. He had no problem being physical with my mom, or other women for that matter. But yet his emotional side. well, there really wasn't one. Although I'm sure there was somewhere, it was hiding maybe. He provided no emotional support for much of anything. He stayed mad most of the time at whatever, he was pretty negative in most areas of life etc. I never remember him showing an emotional or compassionate side about anything. Perhaps it was like a learned behavior , although could be unlearned if he wanted. I also think lack of emotional sides can apply to both men and women. I think for some, showing an emotional side is very difficult. Maybe showing emotions is to painful for some reason. To this day I don't understand it really.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 "It wouldn't serve to say what is wrong with "people" as in each person there is a story". Who said that? Me. In each atom, a story. It's my way. Maybe poetic, maybe melodramatic. That's in the eye of the beholder. But in truth, each person is a unique story. So much about threads on this forum is about trying to attribute generalities to groups of people. I don't know why I'm here sometimes because all such arguments fall into the bin of phallacy when one embraces the truth of uniqueness of every individual. To say women do X, or men do Y or all combinations there of is just conversational nonsense. Everyone is one of a kind. It's nature's one constant with regard to us. But I can't blame people for not seeing it with as much relish as I. Society makes a lot of false judgements and tends to support them as facts.
Author Kendrick Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 EnigmasMuse- thanks for your reply. I agree, I guess maybe its something some people just can not do, wasn't taught or something etc. I dated a guy like this, and he just coudn't for the life of him connect with me emotionally. For along time I thought it was me, but then learned more about his homelife growing up and figured maybe that was part of the contributing factor. I think what bothered me the most was, as an adult, and admitting he needed to learn to connect emotionally, for whatever reason he just never made the effort. Anyone else been with someone like this?
PandorasBox Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 IMO, I think saome people are emotionally unavailable due to the whole Nature Vs Nurture thing. If a person wasn't nurtured and taught about caring about others in realtionships, and expressing their emotions in a healthy manner then chances are they are not able to give you what you feel you need/want emotionally. they can't give what they don't have. BUT yes it can be learned. So when you are involved with someone who knows what they should or could do, and just doesn't, I'm sure it will make the other person feel they aren't important enough for them to make the effort.
JackJack Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I dated a girl who was emotinally unavailable years ago before I ever met my wife. It was hard to not receive back what I gave. She had alot of heartbreak, disappointments, and didn't know much about how to connect emotionally with others. I think some of it was based on fear, and rejection from what happened in her family life. I actually felt bad for her. It was sad to see that another human being who you care about, couldn't care about you but just so far.
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