Multi Dating and what you think about it.

[Nobodyn0se]

What are your thoughts when you finally ask somebody out... and you find out they are dating other people at the same time? Do you feel [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]intimidated at all? What are the emotions that go through your head? When do you feel the need to make a push towards an exclusive relationship? I'm just curious as to what other people think when they date a person who is into multi dating. This is something I've been wondering for awhile.

 

(Note* Personally I'm against it but I understand the logic behind multi dating.)

[january2010]

Perhaps it's a cultural thing, naivety or being old-fashioned but I've generally considered multi-dating to be cheating and a dealbreaker.

 

However, as someone who hasn't been on the scene for a long time, perhaps I need to accept that these are the times we live in and "get with the programme?"

 

*shrugs*

[Nobodyn0se]

I don't see it as cheating if you're not exclusive with a person but I see many problems that can arise from multi dating. For example if a person gets emotionally involved with more than one person.... That is when things get hairy.

[january2010]

To clarify, from the days I was on the scene*, there was always an assumption of exclusivity the moment you started dating someone.

 

*years before social networking sites like Facebook, though we did have MSN and ICQ

[paleblue]

i have tried the multi-dating thing. It is confusing trying to talk to several at once. so i dont do it anymore, plus i dont like it being done to me.

 

some people really love it.

[sammyd]

To clarify, from the days I was on the scene*, there was always an assumption of exclusivity the moment you started dating someone.

 

*years before social networking sites like Facebook, though we did have MSN and ICQ

 

 

Yes, i'm from the same times i guess! Can't get my head around the multi dating thing, but have been off the 'scene' for so long, maybe it is the norm now?

I'd kinda feel a bit put off if someone i started dating was doing it though.

[EasyHeart]

Nooooooo!!!!!

 

How many times do we have to do this exact same thread over and over again????

 

I'm heading for cover. Run, people, run!!!

[runner]

What are your thoughts when you finally ask somebody out... and you find out they are dating other people at the same time? Do you feel [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]intimidated at all? What are the emotions that go through your head? When do you feel the need to make a push towards an exclusive relationship? I'm just curious as to what other people think when they date a person who is into multi dating. This is something I've been wondering for awhile.

 

(Note* Personally I'm against it but I understand the logic behind multi dating.)

 

1. when i approach a single, attractive woman, i always assume not to be the only guy who wants to go out with her.

2. nope. quite the opposite. makes me want to prove to her how the other guys are chumps next to me

3. my emotions run through my heart- so n/a.

4. when we've been dating a while; i know her very well; and when we both just don't want to see anyone else

[sally4sara]

I think its double plus good!

[PegNosePete]

I agree with January, maybe I am behind the times also. But I believe that when you go on a date, you should either arrange a second date, or tell them you don't want a second. Only then should you move on to someone else.

 

MSN and ICQ? Luxury! Try "ytalk"

[mr.dream merchant]

My issue with multi-dating is the fact that to the woman, I'm just a number, an option. That alone is enough to turn me off to a woman who's multi-dating. Then couple that with the fact that the date feels like a job interview. The worst are multi-daters who don't let you know that they're seeing other people. So here you are, spending money on them, making out with them...but they're seeing other people? Nah, multi-dating just strikes me as a cop out to play the field while having your cake and eating it to.

[refurb]

Ehhh.... I multi-date. It has its Pros and Cons:

 

Pros:

1. It suppresses my natural tendencies to push things too fast and invest too much too early. If I'm dating two other women and this one doesn't like me, it has far less of an impact.

2. It can take a long time to find the right person. If you only date one person at a time, you can end up spending a lot of time on just one person, just to find out its not the right person for you.

 

Cons:

1. It sucks having to choose (if that comes up). You might meet a couple girls, both who you'd like to date, but can only be exclusive with one. It sucks having to break it off with someone who you genuinely like.

2. It can make things confusing at times.

 

My personal idea is to multi-date until you get to the point where you find someone you'd like to be exclusive with and they you. I tend to reach this point rather quickly (in a few weeks). It shouldn't take long to figure out if someone is worth putting all your effort into.

 

RF

[Nobodyn0se]

Ehhh.... I multi-date. It has its Pros and Cons:

 

Pros:

1. It suppresses my natural tendencies to push things too fast and invest too much too early. If I'm dating two other women and this one doesn't like me, it has far less of an impact.

2. It can take a long time to find the right person. If you only date one person at a time, you can end up spending a lot of time on just one person, just to find out its not the right person for you.

 

Cons:

1. It sucks having to choose (if that comes up). You might meet a couple girls, both who you'd like to date, but can only be exclusive with one. It sucks having to break it off with someone who you genuinely like.

2. It can make things confusing at times.

 

My personal idea is to multi-date until you get to the point where you find someone you'd like to be exclusive with and they you. I tend to reach this point rather quickly (in a few weeks). It shouldn't take long to figure out if someone is worth putting all your effort into.

 

RF

I must admit I don't have much experience with multi daters. The only person I met who multi dates has never gone past a few dates with somebody. It is not working for her... She's 23 and she has never had a SO and she's never exclusively dated before. She does it for fun but she also seems to want an LTR.

[Feelin Frisky]

I see it as an instant way to throw good dating money down the toilet. If money were no object I'd probably have fun and have a night out like that but I would expect it to be that I'm paying for someone's public company who is just in it to get what she can. What would be the point really though?

[creighton0123]

I must admit I don't have much experience with multi daters. The only person I met who multi dates has never gone past a few dates with somebody. It is not working for her... She's 23 and she has never had a SO and she's never exclusively dated before. She does it for fun but she also seems to want an LTR.

 

I wouldn't call someone who goes on casual dates with multiple people "multi daters". Sure, there are people who are serial daters and aren't looking for long term relationships.

 

23 is also on the younger side. If she's having fun and enjoys casually dating or short term relationships, good for her. At her stage in life, perhaps casual sex and casual dating without a prospect for longevity fulfill her emotional and physical needs and desires.

 

When I dated a few people at once, I was very honest and clear with each and every one of them. That was a few years ago, when I would find someone who was great in bed, but didn't fulfill my need for intellectual conversation.

 

If you're not interested in dating many people casually, you need to find someone who is also looking for longevity. Once you find that person, don't play games with them. Just be yourself, be respectful, and be interested. If you do those things, you won't have to try to impress.

 

I'd also suggest being understanding. Sometimes, people you're dating will say something that can be perceived as offensive. In those instances, if you're really interested in the person, one should set ego aside and laugh it off.

[2sure]

I have no issue with multi- dating. None. For years even.

Unless you are having sex on a regular basis and have had the exclusive talk ...I cant imagine assuming someone was not dating others.

 

I cant imagine living a life wherein everyone I dated was being considered for the role of life partner.

[Nobodyn0se]

My problem is when things aren't clear. For example right now I'm dating this girl who multi dates... She was flirting for me for awhile and I finally decide that I like her. I tell her that, she tells me that she likes me too and she schedules a date with me right before she's about to go on a date with another guy....? I mean literally.. she was getting in her car to go on a date with another guy. Something just seems weird about that.

 

She talks like she is in an intimate relationship with me and she says I feel like I'm closer to a boyfriend than a person she's dating she also says I can take it as slow as I want (I just got out of a relationship when I started dating her).... It really confuses me when she says, and does things like that... yet she dates other people. Saying I can take it slow while telling me she's seeing other people while saying I'm more like a boyfriend seems very contradictory to me. She also gives me all the signs of wanting a relationship and when I ask her if she'd like to exclusively date she doesn't know what to say.

 

This is exactly why I dont like multi dating.. too often it seems like things can become hazy especially if the said person gets emotionally involved with more than one person.

Edited December 22, 2010 by Nobodyn0se

[fishtaco]

Multi dating is like having multiple threads about the exact same thing on LS. Like it or not, you have to learn to live with it. You can't control the world, you can only figure out what you need to do to reach your goals under the condition that is given to you.

 

I say join them. I did. And it has turned out to be a good choice many times over. And I'm not a hypocrite, so I would recommend multi-dating to women as well.

 

This is exactly why I dont like multi dating.. too often it seems like things can become hazy especially if the said person gets emotionally involved with more than one person.

 

Umm... things can become hazy even if they are NOT multi-dating. You do know that people play games right? And the ones that supposedly don't still can "change their minds". Multi dating will lose its value only if no one play games and no one change their minds. How possible is that?

[GoodOnPaper]

For example right now I'm dating this girl who multi dates... She was flirting for me for awhile and I finally decide that I like her. I tell her that, she tells me that she likes me too and she schedules a date with me right before she's about to go on a date with another guy....? I mean literally.. she was getting in her car to go on a date with another guy. Something just seems weird about that.

 

I'm with you on the weirdness about that . . . my interest level would likely take a nosedive after that maneuver. About the multi-dating issue in general, if I was doing it, I'd be fine if the woman was. If I wasn't doing it, I wouldn't be OK the woman doing it -- assuming that she and I had gotten beyond the first couple of dates or so. Of course, if I wasn't multi-dating, it would probably be due to lack of opportunity -- that aspect can muddy the waters. I always found attracting one woman at a given time to be a LOT of work -- I couldn't imagine having to attract three or four at a time just to keep up.

[Nobodyn0se]

Multi dating is like having multiple threads about the exact same thing on LS. Like it or not, you have to learn to live with it. You can't control the world, you can only figure out what you need to do to reach your goals under the condition that is given to you.

 

I say join them. I did. And it has turned out to be a good choice many times over. And I'm not a hypocrite, so I would recommend multi-dating to women as well.

 

 

 

Umm... things can become hazy even if they are NOT multi-dating. You do know that people play games right? And the ones that supposedly don't still can "change their minds". Multi dating will lose its value only if no one play games and no one change their minds. How possible is that?

Let me ask you this... how long do you usually date somebody until the exclusive talk starts?

[zengirl]

Here's how I see it:

 

To go out with somebody, I have to find them attractive and potentially interesting. Sometimes I won't meet a guy like that for a long time. Sometimes I meet several in a week. I go out with anyone who fits that criteria.

 

If I continue to find them interesting and attractive, I go out with them again. Somewhere between the 3rd-5th date, I consider whether or not I see myself having a relationship with them and whether that seems to be their general deal (I only date "relationship guys"---I'm 26, and I'm not training a guy how to be a boyfriend; I will not be the first real girlfriend ever again; I refuse).

 

If I'm multi-dating, it's only before that point, which is also way before sex. I'm not scheduling dates on the same nights. Probably not even back-to-back nights. I'm not really making out with them or getting anywhere physically. And generally, if I'm multi-dating still after date 2 or so and they're not dates that were already pre-planned or something, it's because I'm not really sold on the guy. Usually, that means he was going to get dropped anyway, and I'll drop him sooner (wasting less of his time) because I'm multi-dating. It makes me think about it better, and it's efficient.

 

So here's how I see dating go:

STEP 1: Find interesting man or men.

STEP 2: Date (aka Spend Time With) interesting man or men.

STEP 3: Discover that I am compatible, attracted to, and definitively interested in said man through time spent together. Focus on said man.

STEP 4: Escalate relationship in various ways (physical, emotional, time spent together, etc).

STEP 5: Discuss exclusivity.

STEP 6: Get new boyfriend. Have lots of sex. Be happy and monogamous. Whatever comes next.

 

At around STEP 3, every other guy is going to drop away for me. Naturally. And by STEP 5, I need to know the same has naturally happened for him, or something is amiss. But usually, it's not really an issue that has ever come up.

[runner]

Here's how I see it:

 

To go out with somebody, I have to find them attractive and potentially interesting. Sometimes I won't meet a guy like that for a long time. Sometimes I meet several in a week. I go out with anyone who fits that criteria.

 

If I continue to find them interesting and attractive, I go out with them again. Somewhere between the 3rd-5th date, I consider whether or not I see myself having a relationship with them and whether that seems to be their general deal (I only date "relationship guys"---I'm 26, and I'm not training a guy how to be a boyfriend; I will not be the first real girlfriend ever again; I refuse).

 

If I'm multi-dating, it's only before that point, which is also way before sex. I'm not scheduling dates on the same nights. Probably not even back-to-back nights. I'm not really making out with them or getting anywhere physically. And generally, if I'm multi-dating still after date 2 or so and they're not dates that were already pre-planned or something, it's because I'm not really sold on the guy. Usually, that means he was going to get dropped anyway, and I'll drop him sooner (wasting less of his time) because I'm multi-dating. It makes me think about it better, and it's efficient.

 

So here's how I see dating go:

STEP 1: Find interesting man or men.

STEP 2: Date (aka Spend Time With) interesting man or men.

STEP 3: Discover that I am compatible, attracted to, and definitively interested in said man through time spent together. Focus on said man.

STEP 4: Escalate relationship in various ways (physical, emotional, time spent together, etc).

STEP 5: Discuss exclusivity.

STEP 6: Get new boyfriend. Have lots of sex. Be happy and monogamous. Whatever comes next.

 

At around STEP 3, every other guy is going to drop away for me. Naturally. And by STEP 5, I need to know the same has naturally happened for him, or something is amiss. But usually, it's not really an issue that has ever come up.

 

i find this perfectly normal, and this is how i go about it as well (obviously with the genders flipped).

[Woggle]

It is a good filter to see who is and is not worth any extra effort.

[Nobodyn0se]

Here's how I see it:

 

To go out with somebody, I have to find them attractive and potentially interesting. Sometimes I won't meet a guy like that for a long time. Sometimes I meet several in a week. I go out with anyone who fits that criteria.

 

If I continue to find them interesting and attractive, I go out with them again. Somewhere between the 3rd-5th date, I consider whether or not I see myself having a relationship with them and whether that seems to be their general deal (I only date "relationship guys"---I'm 26, and I'm not training a guy how to be a boyfriend; I will not be the first real girlfriend ever again; I refuse).

 

If I'm multi-dating, it's only before that point, which is also way before sex. I'm not scheduling dates on the same nights. Probably not even back-to-back nights. I'm not really making out with them or getting anywhere physically. And generally, if I'm multi-dating still after date 2 or so and they're not dates that were already pre-planned or something, it's because I'm not really sold on the guy. Usually, that means he was going to get dropped anyway, and I'll drop him sooner (wasting less of his time) because I'm multi-dating. It makes me think about it better, and it's efficient.

 

So here's how I see dating go:

STEP 1: Find interesting man or men.

STEP 2: Date (aka Spend Time With) interesting man or men.

STEP 3: Discover that I am compatible, attracted to, and definitively interested in said man through time spent together. Focus on said man.

STEP 4: Escalate relationship in various ways (physical, emotional, time spent together, etc).

STEP 5: Discuss exclusivity.

STEP 6: Get new boyfriend. Have lots of sex. Be happy and monogamous. Whatever comes next.

 

At around STEP 3, every other guy is going to drop away for me. Naturally. And by STEP 5, I need to know the same has naturally happened for him, or something is amiss. But usually, it's not really an issue that has ever come up.

Thanks for this post it gives me new insight on this multi dating thing. This sounds like the girl I'm dating right now and she told me she never usually gets past the third date.... right now I'm on the 6th. Is this a norm for you?

Edited December 23, 2010 by Nobodyn0se