Feeling betrayed! I need

[markdemicoli]

Feeling Betrayed! I need Help!

 

Hi all, this is my 3rd post here after I had described the situation which was leading to an end my LDR. To make a long story short, I had an LDR for 6months and while I was coping well with the distance, she was not and she told me she cannot make it anymore, she can't stand anymore msn conversations and missing me, then also having to wake up 6am to finish off university work and that she doesn't even know if she could have a normal relationship right now, let alone an LDR. I tried what I could to save it, but I couldn't obvisouly go against her will, it must come from both sides. I had my heart at rest that I couldn't have done anything more, no regrets. And although the days after still feel very sad when I think of her and that I cannot be anymore with her, and I feel a big part of me missing, we chose to keep perfect contact, not just to remain friends, but special friends, cause after what we shared with each other (including our first time) and the moments we passed and also the fact that we (or most of all she) chose to end up the LDR cause of the distance and not cuase of me. Her words, "I'm sure you would be the one if there was not all this distance".

 

Yesterday (2wks after our LDR end) we talked again, we had kept some contact in the meantime through sms, and i saw her facebook "in a relationship". It was a big shock for me and I asked her and she said she's embarassed but she's dating a guy. I felt like stabbed at the back, almost worst then when she told me we should end our LDR. She had a crush for this guy some year ago, but she thought he did't like her and so she chose to be close friends, he was her dancing partner and was the one who took her to the prom last week where all this happend cause he told her he like her and she's now dating him.

 

I feel betrayed and hurt, her dating just 5days after we ended our LDR, and all the words that now seem like lies to me. I feel that this guy took advantage of the fact that she used to talk to him and he knew the situation we were facing.

 

Now a part of me just wants to hate this girl and forget her, while another part still wants her badly, even if just as friends, i never wanted to end this story in a bitter way cause i treasured every memory I had with her as nice memories but this is now putting some regrets in it. She said she's sorry and not even she knows why she did and is doing this, she never thought of this hurting our relationship ( !) and she asked me not to cut contact although she knows I have a perfectly good reason to cut it and never talk to her anymore! I really don't know what to do, it hurts again so much now, cause the most thing i wanted was not to end this in a bitter way, and whilst before when she ended the LDR i managed to find the justifications for it (distance, university stress, etc...) now i really don't see any of these! Please if you can help me clarify my mind, i would be really gratefull. THanks

[aerogurl87]

She's a cake eater and you can do alot better. At least she waited a few days to make it seem a little more innocent and like she wasn't breaking up with you for her new guy. My ex was in a relationship the very next day after breaking up with me. But anyway, forget her, the only reason she doesn't want to cut contact with you is because you're her safety net if the new relationship falls through. Don't make some one a priority when they only consider you to be an option.

[creighton0123]

Don't put yourself in limbo. The justifications for her ending the relationship perhaps also include distance, life stress, etc.

 

It's sad. It hurts. It sucks. You shouldn't make it worse or last longer by continuing to talk to her on a regular basis - at least not when the wound of love/potential lost is still healing.

 

Make yourself your priority. Make yourself your own priority. Take care of yourself, get out, and have a little fun. You will most definitely meet someone who will appreciate you and who will be much more special and will be a MUCH better fit. You'll find that when you do, it'll feel right for both of you and nothing, including prolonged distance, will change that.

[markdemicoli]

Thanks aerogurl87 and creighton0123 for your replies. I still have a big part of me wanting to go against my mind and not cut contact with this girl. Today all the day at work I had again her in mind after 2wks in which I managed to start heeling and I wrote her an email which when you read it it perfectly expresses why I am not sure what to do: Thanks

 

Hi,

 

I am at work and just as it happened last time, I can barely concentrate on what I'm doing. You managed to take away my smile yet another time. The hurting feelings that took me a lot of effort to burry deep inside are now once again out, making me feel very bad again. And this time it feels worst cause whilst when you chose to stop our relationship you had relevant excuses for doing it, at least as you pictured it to me, this time I don't have those and I just can't understand how this can come from a person whom I cared so much for and to whom for me was so special I would even let go our relationship to make her feel better and hurt less. I still was the idiot waiting to see your name when i get an sms, or looking if you are online msn, or check my mails. and this makes me feel sorry that i am so good and that I always did what ever possible not to hurt you, cause then it was not the same towards me.

 

And although it would almost have been easier not to keep any contact cause then maybe with time I forget and don't miss you everytime I see something that reminds me of you, I chose to keep contact and to keep reserving a special place for you in my heart cause I always believed you as a great girl and with whom i shared such important special moments of my life (such as my first time) and i didn't have regrets for what I did, but now all this just makes me doubt everything what I always believed and thought, cause I never expected to be treated like this. I feel like I was just a spare wheel for 6months since you couldn't have that guy, the one you wanted and while I did all the possible (many times refusing to go out with friends so that I can chat with you), you were in the meantime playing with the fire, staying as close as you can to a person with whom you wanted to be but you thought you couldn't and as usual the ones who play with fire get burned, the problem is that I am the one who's suffering cause you took the first opportunity you had to fill the empty gap you had after ending our relationship.

 

And I feel really betrayed and stabbed at the back cause when you told me you were glad to hear me tell you I want to keep a special contact with you, this was not true cause you easily forgot this and threw all this away on the first opportunity you had. I feel I had been covered by lies when you told me you were not considering not coming to malta, but eventually you were considering coming earlier, when you told me that you can't keep up with this cause you hate msn and facebook (guess what, I had to see it in facebook that you are in a relationship before asking you, I almost thought it was a joke, the girl who never uses facebook was so fast to change her relationship status), all the words of you having to wake up early to finish off your school work and the pressure that this is the hardest and most important year for you that you don't even think you are able to have a relationship right now, let alone a distant one........all this is weight that I am feeling crushing me, my morale and self asteem.

 

You chose to lie to me when you should have told me the truth cause I trusted you and your honesty (your travel intentions, you going out with a guy you wanted badly, school stress, etc...) and you chose to tell me the truth when you shouldn't have, yes I feel so bad I would have preferred you not telling me anything and hiding it from me and from facebook cause at least I would have never knew that you could do this to me.

 

I know (this is at least what you keep saying, cause you understand that now I'll automatically have doubts on what ever you tell me) that you were not thinking to date that guy when you were still with me but most of all I know that for you it was so easy giving up our friendship which you made it sound like it was special and important too for you.

 

I am maybe depicting you very bad, but I can't find why I have to go through this, something that now does not have to do with all the long distance problems. And even though I really and never ever wanted to have this bitter taste that is now almost ruining all the nice moments we had, cause I was really convinced and happy that it had been you the girl with whom i shared those many special moments and FIRST moments, cause i can tell you that you have been the best, but that can easily change in the future when I find someone better, but the first no, the first will always remain there for ever, and I never wanted and want to have a bitter taste when I think of all my FIRST special moments, and this is the only thing that is keeping me not hating the moment I met you (and this is really something I never and ever expected and wanted to say to you) is all this that I still hurt so much cause I still care much and miss you so much that I don't want to end our relationship like this! I really cannot find other reasons to help me, and I really don't see any this time and I am very afraid that everytime that we'll talk I'll keep on getting that bitter betrayal feeling that hurts so much and on the other hand I don't want to end this badly and have this bitter feeling all my life when I think of all my first special moments. I really don't know what to do this time...... :s

[creighton0123]

Oh Mark,

 

Reading that email that you sent to her, it is so very obvious that you're hurting. However, you're looking at the fact that she started seeing someone new within a week of breaking up with you. That would suggest she wanted to end the relationship and let it drag on for longer than it should have.

 

You've been seeing this girl for six months. If it is so hard on you, trying to stay in touch and keep constant contact can be very unhealthy and damaging to both of you.

 

How you feel is very legitimate. You are feeling all the standard emotions that people feel when relationships end, but you need to give yourself time to heal. Take a few weeks/months to yourself. The pain will fade and you'll soon realize that your relationship ending and her being with someone else is not betrayal. It's just a relationship that ended.

 

You fell in love with her. You will fall in love again, and perhaps again, and perhaps again. The wonderful thing about love is that we can create an infinite amount of it.

 

It'll suck, but cut off contact. You may be able to communicate with her in the future, but you can't begin to heal until the cause of your heartache and pain is removed.

 

If you have trouble in the next few weeks, you can always come back here :-)

[aerogurl87]

I agree you should cut off contact, but you were betrayed by her in my opinion. You were her distraction while she waited for this other guy to become available. I bet as soon as he gave her the green light she decided it was time to end things with you. Yes distance may have had a part to do with it, but I'm telling you, this girl left you for someone else, plain and simple. I'm also telling you not to cry over her, she's not worth it. Let her go, let yourself heal from the pain you're going through, and work through the emotions till you're in a good place again.

 

Then you'll be free to find someone else who will love you and not want anyone else. Someone who will make you number one in their life, instead of the consolation prize.

[folieadeux]

I agree with everyone's advice here. No contact is definitely the way to go. It'll allow you time to heal yourself and move on with your life as you very well much deserve to. I don't think that trying to maintain any sort of "friendship" with her will do you any good. She's moved on and her reasons for doing so are irrelevant now because it's obvious she checked out of her relationship with you for some time now if she was able to be in another relationship again so quickly. I know it hurts right now, but falling into that cycle of trying to get her back will only makes things worse. Best of luck to you.

[creighton0123]

I agree with everyone's advice here. No contact is definitely the way to go. It'll allow you time to heal yourself and move on with your life as you very well much deserve to. I don't think that trying to maintain any sort of "friendship" with her will do you any good. She's moved on and her reasons for doing so are irrelevant now because it's obvious she checked out of her relationship with you for some time now if she was able to be in another relationship again so quickly. I know it hurts right now, but falling into that cycle of trying to get her back will only makes things worse. Best of luck to you.

 

In my past experience, and others may be able to support me on this, it takes the better part of three to five years before ex-boyfriends/girlfriends can transition to casual friends. "Can we still be friends?" typically never works until a significant amount of time has passed and you've taken a few more stabs at romance.

[markdemicoli]

Hi all, thanks for your feedback. I agree with some of your points but with others no. I am sure she's not the man eater type some of you think. I know the relationships she had and I was the most important and the first serious one as she was for me after all. and also I want you to know that I am not hoping to get her back or for second chances cause I also know that our relationship was hard to keep on going for long given the delicate circumstances. Therefore I already accepted the fact that our love relationship is over but I had valid reasons for this, the damage to our friendship relationship is what hurts me and what I can't put my heart at rest for.

 

She replied back to my email (SORRY FOR THE LENGTH OF THE MESSAGE BUT I HAVE TO POST THE REPLY, OTHERWISE YOU CAN'T KNOW THE THINGS AS THEY REALLY ARE):

 

Hey Mark,

 

I couldn't sleep last night, and I see another night like that coming so it's probably best if I mail you know. Unfortunately I have no clue where to start.

I completely understand that my timing is the worst ever, and that, for your good, I should not have taken the first chance I had to date this other guy. Therefore I can also understand that you are really really mad now, and you don't want to believe a word of what I have to say to you now.

 

Something I feel really sad about, is that you don't trust me anymore. And I really want you to know that I never lied to you. You probably think this is straight bull****, but I told you about this new guy as soon as I got the chance. The only thing I didn't tell you was that I already liked him, before I met you. The reason for that was that I didn't see him as an option. And I don't know how you are with things like this, but if I don't see a person as an option for me, I stop thinking about him. (I mean, is Angelina Jolie an option?). On top of that, I tried to tell you about him a couple of times. I told you that he was just a friend, etc. but from your reaction I could tell that you would be jealous, even if he would be the gayest person in the world. I just didn't want you to freak out for no reason (which was honestly no reason at that time). That would only have caused useless trouble in an already difficult relationship.

 

Something else, that I find even worse, is that you seem to think now that our relationship didn't mean anything to me. And I really want you to know that that is completely not true. You are still really important for me, and I will always keep thinking about you, because you are my first and therefore I think my most important. And nothing I ever said to you was a lie. I fell in love with you and I loved you so much, it still hurts to me when I think about breaking up with you. You probably think it doesn't, because I am dating someone new so soon after. I don't know why I do that, I think that liking someone is something you don't have controll over. I wish I could controll it though.

So in short, I still want to be a special and important person in your life, and I hope you still want me there.

 

A thing I really want to apologise for, is that you had to find out through facebook. I can understand that that really made you furious. I only hope you don't take it THAT serious, just because it's on facebook. I mean, it's still there, that's true. But it's only up there as sort of a joke, because this guy acts like he's really proud, because he had one date with me after a really really long time. So he put it on facebook, and it's more or less a joke that I accepted it. Not that it seems like such a good joke now. And not that that makes it better for you, but I hope you understand that I haven't been doing weird things behind your back.

 

At the end, I want to say another time that you shouldn't see me as a slut, or a lyar, because I have always been honest to you. I only wish you believe that. And I really hope that one day you will be less furious at me, because I don't want to end a relationship that has been so great for me this way.

 

I honestly hope to hear from you soon,

*Name*

 

 

 

MY REPLY TO HER EMAIL::

 

Hi,

 

wow an email at 2am, I'm impressed. I chose to go to sleep very early at 9pm so that at least like that I don't think about this for some time but I woke up in the morning thinking about it! I had all this in my mind all the day today, and I think I read your email more than 10 times to try to clear my mind but I can't. Yes your timing was the worst possible cause if I and our relationship really and honestly was as important to you as it was to me, I can't really think where you found the strength to just put everything behind your back and date a new guy a couple of days after. Taking your example, if Angelina had to be an option I would have had the decency to talk to you before, "hey you, there is someone I like, etc...", it makes no use and it does not help me telling me it after, telling me that you broke the egg, it can't be fixed now.

 

You can't understand how I feel now cause for you everything is very different, i passed from being very happy to have you to think about and look forward everyday for, to a lightening in the clear sky telling me it should be over, to me fighting to recover it, me trying to accept it cannot be, to at least not loosing you as a special and not just as a friend, up to this, another stab in my heart with you really letting me down as I had imagined you very different and much more mature.

 

You had the time to put your mind at rest that our relationship should stop, you knew it much before and instead of talking together you had already decided and comforted your mind. Following this you quickly filled your sadness and emptiness with a new person and so you can't picture how I feel now.

 

Maybe its just me, maybe I am too good, but if I had someone I cared for even if he's just a friend, let alone someone like you, no matter how much I like one person, I would never put a special relationship at risk. It took me a lot of effort to start healing from this breakup and burry down my sadness as much as I could and one of the few things that helped me in this was the fact that both of us still considered the other person still important to a point of keeping a special relationship and that our end of story was due to a combination of things which we didn't have much control over right now (distance, school, long msn conversations and lack of time to sleep and do hw, etc...). That I will always have you to talk to when I feel sad, happy, when I see something that makes me smile, even when I hear our song, it did cause me to miss you cause I could picture every moment, your smile, your laugh at the funpark, your hair, your eyes, but now, it makes me angry not sad.

 

And this is one of the things that hurt so much right now cause yes, you lied to me when you told me you were considering coming earlier to malta cause you miss me, because at that point you had already decided to end this, and when you told me that you think you shouldn't even be in a normal relationship right now, let alone a long distance one, and that I was special that if there was not the distance you were sure I would have been the one, cause then on the FIRST occasion you got you threw all this apart and gave everything for granted that I will still be there, that I am so idiot and good that no matter what you do, I'll still be there to talk to you when you need, to share special moments, etc... Yes, maybe I would have been the one, but only because you thought you couldn't have the one you really wanted, what would have happened if this guy showed his interest in you for example 2 months ago? This is what makes me angry and I never was angry at you, not even when you told me you want to end our relationship cause I figured you had valid reasons for it and therefore I was sad but not angry at you.

 

And yes, if I knew you were so close to a guy you liked, I would have been jealous for sure, if I wouldn't be jealous I would be taking you for granted that no matter what happens I cannot lose you, wouldn't it be the same for you if I had to be so close to a girl I liked so much but I couldn't be with her, so I chose to stay as much as close as her as I could?! You don't know why you are dating him just a few days after all that happened? So who should know me???! I never expected, obviously, that you don't date anyone else after this, and in fact I was ready to wish you to find a person that deserves a girl like you and I don't expect our relationship to be everyday contact, you know, no commitment, but I also never expected this from you, that I would be so easy to put aside, that it would be so easy for you to just start dating a new guy after a couple of days. and I immagine your decision to meet again in Malta, is just another cloud in the sky cause if I would be that guy I would not be happy that my girl is going abroad to meet her ex.

 

I honestly don't know how to keep on doing this, to keep on talking to you, as I told you the only thing that is holding me from not to send this and any other email is the fact that I don't want to ruin the special and important moments that I chose to share with you by ending what should have been such a great and special relationship in my life, that I would keep on saying in a couple of years time "oh yes, it was with **Name**, great girl, we're still very close friends" and not think "oh yes it was with that girl, I don't even remember her name".

 

You know that I'm not the type of guy who gives up relationships and people easily away like peanuts, i'm not the type of one night stands etc, and I was happy I found someone like me and this is what helped me bind so much with you. I also accepted to end our love relationship even though my love towards you was so strong and is still here, because I understood what you were feeling and finding so hard to keep on doing, that I would prefer hurt my self than letting you hurt and I had managed to regain my smile even when you told me you was convinced of ending this cause the only thing that I wouldn't have accepted given how you chose to end our relationship was to just cut contact like we never knew each other, but now you have to understand that with what happened our relationship is irreversibly damaged and that very probably it can never be like we promissed to each other to keep it, and this is what makes me feel very very very bad. And I don't know what to do about it and I hope that time can help me start healing again from this up to a point that I can again talk to you and keep contact with you without thinking only of this, of what has happened, I really hope cause I don't see any other way.

 

Mark

[folieadeux]

In my past experience, and others may be able to support me on this, it takes the better part of three to five years before ex-boyfriends/girlfriends can transition to casual friends. "Can we still be friends?" typically never works until a significant amount of time has passed and you've taken a few more stabs at romance.

 

Very true; if you can even be friends at all.

[Romance]

Forget her. Clearly convenience was all she was after. Cut off ALL contact with her, she just wants you to talk to and nothing more, someone for when she's bored. You be strong, cut her off.