"Awkward."

December 22, 2010

You seem like a nice, good-natured person, TigressA. I'm not saying things because I don't like you. And you can live your life any way you want.

But whether it's a guy a week or a guy every two weeks, you've been with more guys since you've joined the site than some women ever get with in their lives. And I'm not just talking about unappealing women.

I feel like I'm the only one who finds that's remarkable. People seem to encourage you and don't seem to question what's really going on with you. There are a few things that I notice about you:

1) You have a lot of sexy pictures of yourself

2) You are willing to sacrifice your anonymity to use those pictures as avatars

3) You would only do that if you wanted us all to notice your looks and your body

4) You rarely ever post about anything except sex and dating (unusual for a regular)

5) You're never without a guy or plans to be with a guy

6) You either misunderstood C and what's going on with this "friend", or else you understood perfectly and chose to be deceptive and threatened to be selfish. Given your tendency to want to be appreciated for your looks, and the attention you get from men all the time, I'm afraid it's the latter. And that's the worst of the two options.

Live your life how you want. But I don't think we're obligated to just go along with it all. I suspect you aren't being honest with us, the guys you date, and maybe not yourself. It seems right to call you on that.

December 22, 2010

1) You have a lot of sexy pictures of yourself
2) You are willing to sacrifice your anonymity to use those pictures as avatars
3) You would only do that if you wanted us all to notice your looks and your body

I won't comment on the rest of what J posted. However, admittedly, I do find the above a little...unusual. Like the other behavior I mentioned above, there's only a small handful of posters that engage in similar behavior, and those folks really do seem to need attention. There's no other reason to post sexy shots, body or not. It's sometimes as though y'all use your looks as your lone bargaining chip.

December 22, 2010

I won't comment on the rest of what J posted. However, admittedly, I do find the above a little...unusual. Like the other behavior I mentioned above, there's only a small handful of posters that engage in similar behavior, and those folks really do seem to need attention. There's no other reason to post sexy shots, body or not. It's sometimes as though y'all use your looks as your lone bargaining chip.

I see nothing wrong with posting pictures as avatars

December 22, 2010

I'm sure this will come across the wrong way, but I think this one is easy:

1. OP meets guy on OKC (guy is looking for a romantic relationship)

2. OP shoots guy down and stays friends

3. OP snuggles on couch with guy and shares awkward looks

My guess is the guy is tired of you jerking him around. You shoot him down but then cuddle up with him later. He's probably thinking "What the hell is she doing? First she's not interested then she does this?"

My guess is that he'd just rather not be bothered at this point.

I'm going to guess (I don't know the OP, so this really is a guess), but she's the type of girl who doesn't take others feelings into serious consideration. She shoots the guy down, then gives mixed signals, then wants to kiss him just to "see" if there is a spark. Nowhere does she mention how this guy might feel about all this. I'm not saying its malicious, just a little self-centered.

RF

Edited December 22, 2010 by refurb

December 22, 2010

I see nothing wrong with posting pictures as avatars

Those like the one you have right now, sure. But that's a rarity. Usually it's a doe-eyed cleavage shot. Those meet the 1-3 criteria, as do their owners.

December 22, 2010

I appreciate the concern, but none of that is really relevant at all to my OP, in particular the question I asked at the end.

I'm going to answer to these assertions, and then expect that to be the end of it--if there are any more off-topic posts I will put those people on ignore. Period.

--I have some avatars that could be considered sexy by others. I don't consider the context or content and don't concern myself with having them be noticed. They're just pictures; my body is just a body.

--I rarely post much about anything beyond dating or sex because I don't come here to discuss anything other than those two things.

--My dating life is the only thing I post about myself on here with any regularity at all, so of course it would seem like I'm "never without plans to be with a guy".

--With the things I said earlier in this thread, it's clear that I misunderstood the situation. I was naive about how things might be between us alone, since we had only met once before and it was in a group of people, just a day trip. I wasn't trying to be deceptive.

Now, back on topic.

December 22, 2010

...since we had only met once before and it was in a group of people, just a day trip.[/b]

How did you two develop what you believed was a purely platonic relationship given these circumstances?

If I only met a guy once, but corresponded enough with him over the following year such that I'd go visit him, alone, I would almost assume it would be in a romantic context. Maybe you're not naive. Maybe I'm presumptuous.

But I think he may be just as presumptuous, and I think you might want to approach your convo with him with that in mind.

December 22, 2010

I'm sure this will come across the wrong way, but I think this one is easy:

1. OP meets guy on OKC (guy is looking for a romantic relationship)
2. OP shoots guy down and stays friends
3. OP snuggles on couch with guy and shares awkward looks

My guess is the guy is tired of you jerking him around. You shoot him down but then cuddle up with him later. He's probably thinking "What the hell is she doing? First she's not interested then she does this?"

My guess is that he'd just rather not be bothered at this point.

I'm going to guess (I don't know the OP, so this really is a guess), but she's the type of girl who doesn't take others feelings into serious consideration. She shoots the guy down, then gives mixed signals, then wants to kiss him just to "see" if there is a spark. Nowhere does she mention how this guy might feel about all this. I'm not saying its malicious, just a little self-centered.

RF

Yeah, I admit to being rather self-centered. We first met on the site a little over a year ago, though. I had shot him down over a year ago. Everything between us since then was platonic; there was absolutely no mention by either of us of, well, the idea of an "us". We both dated around quite a bit and that was one thing out of many we discussed with each other in detail.

I fancy that I know him pretty well by now, and I have a hunch he thinks I might be into him, and he isn't into me, and he just is hoping I'll get the hint or something. "Hoping I'll get the hint" isn't his usual style; he's usually quite up-front, but maybe this is just a different situation for him. In any case, I'll be talking to him soon and it'll get sorted out, and hopefully things can go back to how they were.

If I have it wrong and he is interested, then out of respect I won't continue the friendship with him. I don't maintain friendships wherein there's one-sided romantic interest.

Edited December 22, 2010 by tigressA

December 22, 2010

I talked with him (still talking with him now), and everything is fine. I mentioned that things have seemed a little awkward between us since I visited. He asked, "Us who? Me and you?" I said yes. He asked "In what way?" I explained that I sensed distance and that our conversations weren't really what they used to be. He said everything's cool, and I said, "Okay, good. I guess it really was just all in my head then."

Problem solved. Everything is back to the way it was before.

December 23, 2010

Not necessarily. People on LS can be unduly harsh, to make an understatement. I can understand where Tigress is coming from.

Well, there's withholding, and there's not being honest. If asked, I think TA would have told the truth.

January 6, 2011

Okay...problem not so solved anymore.

We've been talking regularly like usual, but this last conversation was really different. We were talking about my next visit--he's since moved into his own apartment. I casually mentioned I had just been talking to a prior "fling" and he said "I'm not in touch with anyone from OKC...except you...but that doesn't count." I said, "I always forget we met on there because it just doesn't fit." He said, "We still have time for a short fling. I actually talked to one of my friends about that...I was like 'I wonder if we will bang'. I don't have many platonic female friends who spend the night...I just figured because you didn't make a move, you weren't attracted."

I said, "Because I didn't make a move? So what, it's all on me?" He said, "Yeah! What, I didn't dress slutty enough?" () I said, "I thought you weren't into it because you didn't make a move." He said, "You don't meet my list criteria (he has a list of what he needs/wants in a life partner) so I held off...I think if you had worn different shoes (he has a foot fetish) I would've made a move. That's pretty much what it came down to, I got lucky, God threw me a frisbee. The shorts you were wearing almost undid that lifesaver. Believe me, they didn't go unnoticed. I was like 'Uhhhh...I think I should specify a dress code next time'."

I said, "My shoes?! :lmao:" He said, "Yep. The pedicure was whack, so any bit of chemistry/attraction would've been linked to the shoes. But I actually realized we have more interesting conversations in person. The one we had on the couch after watching Seven was totally priceless." Later he said, "I mean, you know my stance. These days I'm too square for anything casual, so fling is out, which leaves us with no options." And I'm feeling that way too--I feel like if I had any sex outside a relationship I would just hate myself, so I'm abstaining, regardless of the frustration it brings.

I'm thinking that visiting him again is a very bad idea. Despite our both saying that we wouldn't engage in a fling, just saying that in an IM conversation and actually following through on it while spending a weekend alone are two very different things...particularly after we both acknowledged that something was in the air the last time I was there. I think if I want to keep this friendship it's going to have to stay online.

January 6, 2011

He's actually that shallow?

You're interest level is from? I don't get it.

From the earlier stuff of him getting picked over by some other guy. Uhhhh that is a huge negative to come back from (most guys have too much "pride" to date a girl after she had the option then was like nahhhh I'll date this other guy. It'd be pretty weird being that guy, wondering if the girl is going to meet some other guy whose "obviously" more attractive).

January 6, 2011

Do grown men really talk to their buddies and say things about women like, "I wonder if we'll bang"??

January 6, 2011

Tigress, from your update this guy is all shades of screwy. Maybe this is just a personal thing, but fetishists of any sort kinda weird me out. Especially ones who take their fetishes that seriously: "Yep. The pedicure was whack, so any bit of chemistry/attraction would've been linked to the shoes." WTF?

Then there's the fact that he suggested a fling and then pulled away the option because he only does relationships now and you're not what he considers relationship material. Also, if he's so firm in this belief, why did he say to his buddy, "I wonder if we'll bang." Sounds like BS to me, or he's just passive and wishy-washy.

Then there's his list of criteria. I mean I know some people keep vague lists in their heads, but to advertise it like that and say you don't fit is just dumb.

January 6, 2011

Tigress, from your update this guy is all shades of screwy. Maybe this is just a personal thing, but fetishists of any sort kinda weird me out. Especially ones who take their fetishes that seriously: "Yep. The pedicure was whack, so any bit of chemistry/attraction would've been linked to the shoes." WTF?

Then there's the fact that he suggested a fling and then pulled away the option because he only does relationships now and you're not what he considers relationship material. Also, if he's so firm in this belief, why did he say to his buddy, "I wonder if we'll bang." Sounds like BS to me, or he's just passive and wishy-washy.

Then there's his list of criteria. I mean I know some people keep vague lists in their heads, but to advertise it like that and say you don't fit is just dumb.

He's being overtly direct, on purpose. I read almost all of it as posturing.

January 6, 2011

He's 23 (my age) so I don't exactly expect him to be some paragon of maturity all the time. He's got his s*it together in a lot of other areas of his life but he's still got some stuff to work on when it comes to women/relationships. He's admittedly rather shallow.

Because of the other things he said, it sounds pretty clear that though I don't meet his alleged "criteria" , if I went to see him again, that would just be putting us on the direct path to temptation and as I said, it's easy to say we'd resist while sitting at a computer screen. Not so much in real life when you're alone in an apartment together for a weekend, with a mutual attraction having been acknowledged.

I've known about his fetish from the start and it doesn't bother me. I've had him help me out while shoe-shopping online a few times. And as far as him telling me about the list--that's just how he is. He's very straight-up. I didn't take that as an insult at all because I know that's not how it was meant.

January 6, 2011

He's 23 (my age) so I don't exactly expect him to be some paragon of maturity all the time. He's got his s*it together in a lot of other areas of his life but he's still got some stuff to work on when it comes to women/relationships. He's admittedly rather shallow.

Because of the other things he said, it sounds pretty clear that though I don't meet his alleged "criteria" , if I went to see him again, that would just be putting us on the direct path to temptation and as I said, it's easy to say we'd resist while sitting at a computer screen. Not so much in real life when you're alone in an apartment together for a weekend, with a mutual attraction having been acknowledged.

I've known about his fetish from the start and it doesn't bother me. I've had him help me out while shoe-shopping online a few times. And as far as him telling me about the list--that's just how he is. He's very straight-up. I didn't take that as an insult at all because I know that's not how it was meant.

Well if you hang out again just make sure to pack some of these.

Edited January 6, 2011 by northern_sky

January 6, 2011

Well if you hang out again just make sure to pack some of these.

Or I could just wear the same shoes I wore last time and keep my toenails red. Those were apparently enough to keep him away, despite my pajama shorts. :lmao:

Seriously though, I am really failing to see how me visiting him again would be a good idea. It sucks because we get along quite well in person and I have fun with him...but with what's been said, it would just make things even more awkward. It's likely that we would end up hooking up and it would just ruin everything.

January 6, 2011

The fact he's shallow and douchy doesn't bother you? Haha anyways I agree, don't go to his house.

January 6, 2011

The fact he's shallow and douchy doesn't bother you? Haha anyways I agree, don't go to his house.

Yes, he's shallow, but I am too. I initially wrote him off due to mostly shallow reasons. And he's not a douche--he's just honest, sometimes to a fault.

January 6, 2011

Well if you hang out again just make sure to pack some of these.

I bet if you made those out of cordovan you could get them featured on selectism

January 6, 2011

I've decided to tell him I won't be visiting anytime soon. I made a promise to myself, and it wouldn't do to put myself on a direct path to temptation. Meeting up with him would likely turn everything into a total clusterf*ck. Keeping it virtual from here on out.

January 7, 2011

Okay, now I don't know what to do.

I talked to him and I said that I felt a little insulted by what he had said last night. He said, "I was being defensive. In truth I was offended that you didn't want to bang me. Especially since in all of your retellings of your dating escapades staying platonic comes close to last. I was just like...WOW. I must be awful that you could spend 2 nights AT MY HOUSE and not have any interest in me."

He said, "You not meeting my 'criteria' is a separate issue, that's more a dating practicality/compatibility thing. It doesn't make you worse than the list, it just makes you separate from it. It's like I realize that yes, you're attractive, but it wouldn't be healthy for me to date you. You still have a lot of value in my eyes, and it's capable of bruised ego/other feelings. I just couldn't articulate it properly without my own feelings getting in the way. I also never really brought them up while I was in the middle of them so they've been bottled up since you visited. And they came to the surface with talk of a second visit."

Then this: "OK, so point blank--do you find me physically attractive?" I said, "Yes. So what happens now?" He said, "Well, to me, the friendship is more worthwhile than the physical component, if it has to be a choice, that is." I said, "Are you thinking it doesn't have to be?" He said, "I don't know. I've never successfully worked that out. My theory is, we don't see each other often enough for it to become an issue." But then things kind of trailed off after that.

Argh.

January 7, 2011

Okay, now I don't know what to do.

I talked to him and I said that I felt a little insulted by what he had said last night. He said, "I was being defensive. In truth I was offended that you didn't want to bang me. Especially since in all of your retellings of your dating escapades staying platonic comes close to last. I was just like...WOW. I must be awful that you could spend 2 nights AT MY HOUSE and not have any interest in me."

He said, "You not meeting my 'criteria' is a separate issue, that's more a dating practicality/compatibility thing. It doesn't make you worse than the list, it just makes you separate from it. It's like I realize that yes, you're attractive, but it wouldn't be healthy for me to date you. You still have a lot of value in my eyes, and it's capable of bruised ego/other feelings. I just couldn't articulate it properly without my own feelings getting in the way. I also never really brought them up while I was in the middle of them so they've been bottled up since you visited. And they came to the surface with talk of a second visit."

Then this: "OK, so point blank--do you find me physically attractive?" I said, "Yes. So what happens now?" He said, "Well, to me, the friendship is more worthwhile than the physical component, if it has to be a choice, that is." I said, "Are you thinking it doesn't have to be?" He said, "I don't know. I've never successfully worked that out. My theory is, we don't see each other often enough for it to become an issue." But then things kind of trailed off after that.

Argh.

You're screwing all these other guys, so why didn't I get invited to the party? Waaa, waaa waaa!

January 7, 2011

Okay, now I don't know what to do.

I talked to him and I said that I felt a little insulted by what he had said last night. He said, "I was being defensive. In truth I was offended that you didn't want to bang me. Especially since in all of your retellings of your dating escapades staying platonic comes close to last. I was just like...WOW. I must be awful that you could spend 2 nights AT MY HOUSE and not have any interest in me."

He said, "You not meeting my 'criteria' is a separate issue, that's more a dating practicality/compatibility thing. It doesn't make you worse than the list, it just makes you separate from it. It's like I realize that yes, you're attractive, but it wouldn't be healthy for me to date you. You still have a lot of value in my eyes , and it's capable of bruised ego/other feelings. I just couldn't articulate it properly without my own feelings getting in the way. I also never really brought them up while I was in the middle of them so they've been bottled up since you visited. And they came to the surface with talk of a second visit."

Then this: "OK, so point blank--do you find me physically attractive?" ****Will you stroke my ego, please?**** I said, "Yes. So what happens now?" He said, "Well, to me, the friendship is more worthwhile than the physical component, if it has to be a choice, that is." ******Now that my ego is sufficiently stroked we can let the subject drop.*******I said, "Are you thinking it doesn't have to be?" He said, "I don't know. I've never successfully worked that out. My theory is, we don't see each other often enough for it to become an issue." But then things kind of trailed off after that.

Argh.

I have bolded key phrases.

This guy is a whiny, narcissistic drama queen. He reminds me a bit of the guy I was dating until recently.

Edited January 7, 2011 by northern_sky

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