At A crossroads in my affair

[Rose1977]

I understand you are frustrated in saying, "It's not that simple" and you are right - there is no simple answer to this. But at the same time, I think you have to understand that you created this complicated situation, and therefore, it's going to be your job to clean it up. Everyone here has been affected by infidelity in one way or another, so we all understand how complicated it is and that there are a lot of feelings and emotions involved. I understand not wanting to hurt anyone, but right now you are hurting a lot of people - your wife, the OW, and your children, in the long run.

 

I am a BGF, but I am very objective when posting about As and I don't judge anyone. This is what I get from your post: I don't think you're 100% sure about getting rid of the OW. She's fun, it's spontaneous, you don't have to worry about "real life" wiith her. Everyone on these boards that has been affected by infidelity understands that, whether they are male or female.

 

Of course you know that if you want to truly work things out with your wife, you have to get rid of the OW, and you're torn. There isn't much anyone here can give you advice on until you decide exactly what you want to do. Either way, someone - well a couple people actually, are going to get hurt, but what people here can help you do is try to minimize the damage as much as possible. I DO understand that you don't want to hurt the OW. But if you choose to end it with her, you will have to cut off all contact with her. To do otherwise would be a complete insult to your wife, not to mention, it would show your W you are not serious about fixing your relationship b/c you are still leaving the dooor open with OW. Sometimes bad things happen when you end things with OW. Sometimes they do just go away. Sometimes they go nuts (like my Bf's OW) and end up harassing the W for months, emailing, finding her on social networking sites, finding out where she works and calling her there, giving your W exact details on when and where you two were intimate and telling your W all of the negative things you said about her. That was a real ray of sunshine for me - to deal with the infidelity and then receive blow by blow accounts via emails sent to both my personal and work accounts detailing their sex life. Lovely. I ended up having to change email, leave my job, and pretty much worry that she would find me no matter where I went. She just went off the deep end. I'm only telling you this, because sometimes this is the reality. Bad things happen and people get hurt. You can't expect that you are going to get out of this without hurt being inflicted on people.

 

In addition, I think you have to be prepared for the fact that your wife could leave and divorce you when she finds out.

 

IMO, once you decide what you want to do, you should write it here in the forum, and let people who have been through it give you their experiences and advice the best they can. You're going to get some responses that you consider mean, some that are helpful, etc.... A's bring up a lot of emotion in a lot of people, so everyone reacts differently.

 

In the end, we know "it's not that simple" but it's a situation you chose to get into, so you are the only one that can get yourself out of it. I feel sorry for both your W and the OW. IMO, if you care about the OW so much, she deserves to know she is not going to have a happpy ending with you if you intend on working things out with your life.

[Fieldsofgold]

I understand you are frustrated in saying, "It's not that simple" and you are right - there is no simple answer to this. But at the same time, I think you have to understand that you created this complicated situation, and therefore, it's going to be your job to clean it up. Everyone here has been affected by infidelity in one way or another, so we all understand how complicated it is and that there are a lot of feelings and emotions involved. I understand not wanting to hurt anyone, but right now you are hurting a lot of people - your wife, the OW, and your children, in the long run.

 

I am a BGF, but I am very objective when posting about As and I don't judge anyone. This is what I get from your post: I don't think you're 100% sure about getting rid of the OW. She's fun, it's spontaneous, you don't have to worry about "real life" wiith her. Everyone on these boards that has been affected by infidelity understands that, whether they are male or female.

 

Of course you know that if you want to truly work things out with your wife, you have to get rid of the OW, and you're torn. There isn't much anyone here can give you advice on until you decide exactly what you want to do. Either way, someone - well a couple people actually, are going to get hurt, but what people here can help you do is try to minimize the damage as much as possible. I DO understand that you don't want to hurt the OW. But if you choose to end it with her, you will have to cut off all contact with her. To do otherwise would be a complete insult to your wife, not to mention, it would show your W you are not serious about fixing your relationship b/c you are still leaving the dooor open with OW. Sometimes bad things happen when you end things with OW. Sometimes they do just go away. Sometimes they go nuts (like my Bf's OW) and end up harassing the W for months, emailing, finding her on social networking sites, finding out where she works and calling her there, giving your W exact details on when and where you two were intimate and telling your W all of the negative things you said about her. That was a real ray of sunshine for me - to deal with the infidelity and then receive blow by blow accounts via emails sent to both my personal and work accounts detailing their sex life. Lovely. I ended up having to change email, leave my job, and pretty much worry that she would find me no matter where I went. She just went off the deep end. I'm only telling you this, because sometimes this is the reality. Bad things happen and people get hurt. You can't expect that you are going to get out of this without hurt being inflicted on people.

 

In addition, I think you have to be prepared for the fact that your wife could leave and divorce you when she finds out.

 

IMO, once you decide what you want to do, you should write it here in the forum, and let people who have been through it give you their experiences and advice the best they can. You're going to get some responses that you consider mean, some that are helpful, etc.... A's bring up a lot of emotion in a lot of people, so everyone reacts differently.

 

In the end, we know "it's not that simple" but it's a situation you chose to get into, so you are the only one that can get yourself out of it. I feel sorry for both your W and the OW. IMO, if you care about the OW so much, she deserves to know she is not going to have a happpy ending with you if you intend on working things out with your life.

 

This is 100% correct, very well said.

[Quiet Storm]

There is no easy way out.

 

I get that you want both women. They meet your needs in different ways. You may be able to get away with it for awhile, but it is likely to end badly.

 

Right now you see OW as a benefit. Happiness, lighthearted, fun, sex.

 

But if the truth comes out, she will very likely turn into a liabilty. Fast.

 

Then you will have an angry, emotional, hurt wife that is watching your every move. It will be hard to enjoy time with OW when crying wife is blowing up your phone. "Where are you?" "When are you coming home" "Are you with HER?" She wanted to have more babies with you, she obviously loves you and will be devastated.

 

And you will also have a needy, clingy OW that is desperately waiting for precious time with you. Since she is under the impression that life at home for you is barely tolerable, she will be thinking that your wife will throw you out and you will come to her. She may not say that...but she is hoping it. When that doesn't happen, time with OW will turn from happiness and light into questions, tears, and long emotional talks. Fun. The only way to keep her stroking your ego and stroking your other parts will be to lie to her. To dangle that carrot of possibility out there...it's the only way to keep getting the good stuff out of her.

 

And your kids, they may figure out the truth and resent you for betraying their mom. Or if they are kept in the dark, they'll wonder why Mom is crying every night, why your checking your phone so much, and why the mood in the house is suddenly as somber as a funeral home.

 

And then there's you. Instead of enjoying the benefits of two women, you'll be running around like a crazy man trying to manage two emotional women that both feel hurt and wronged by you.

 

You should be honest with OW and let her go. Of course, you can keep using her up until you get every last ounce of self-esteem she's got...but it's not fair to her or your wife. Stop thinking about your needs, and realize that the best thing for your wife, OW and your kids is to let this OW go.

 

OW will be hurt, but she will get over it eventually.

Edited December 22, 2010 by Quiet Storm

[JustJoe]

Seeker, Do you really want answers or sympathy? You sound like you want people to feel sorry for you and your "dilemma". Well, listen up , pal. You need to man-up and fulfill your responsibilities, to both your wife and your AP. First you need to tell your wife the whole truth and then see if she is alright with reconciliation, or not. For you to make decisions about her future , without her being a knowledgible party to those decisions is the acme of selfishness and cowardice. Second, if you have no intention of having anything more than an affair with your AP, you need to tell her that, so she can make informed decisions about her future, also. These are the first two things you need to do. Will you do them? Probably not. Frankly, I don't think from your posts, that you have the guts. My words may sound harsh, but they are the truth.

[Mimolicious]

I am not with my girlfriend only for fun. Nor am I with her only because I feel obligated. It is more complicated than that. We have a loving relationship that is very good. We laugh a lot and have a very fun relationship. We do not have to worry about how we will spend our money or decide between a one or two bathroom home. There is a lot of freedom in our relationship. It is very carefree. I am sure we look just the same as any other couple in love. She is not as pragmatic nor intelligent as my wife. They are two different people. I do not think I can tell my girlfriend that my wife and I are working on our relationship. I do not want to hurt her. I think my struggle is that I feel I need to end things but at this time I do not want too.

 

My wife has already made peace with the fact we will not conceive another child.

 

Hone, let me predict your future. You will get caught, your W will turn into your worse nightmare, there will be no one or two bedrooms to discuss about but who keeps the place, your kids by the will be a statistic and you will be happily ever after with your "girlfriend" who doesn't measure up to your wife but is sure a whole lot more fun (according to you).

 

You think you are f8cked now? Wait till the foul smelling brown stuff hits the fan. So predictable...

 

Good luck!

[Bwildered1]

Seeker,

 

The particulars of my situation are so similar to yours. I am a MM who started an A with an older co-worker. It started out innocently enough with casual conversation, but at some point we realized it could be more. That we wanted more. Although not an excuse, I was in a very unhappy and unsatisfying marriage. My OW was lonely and unhappy from a previous marriage. We both had a lot of issues, but we connected on so many levels, even though we are totally opposite. We agreed to only hook up a couple times, but our relationship has been so good for us both, we have been going now for about a year. Our A has now turned into a true EA.

 

However, after a couple minor break-ups, the sneaking around, lying, guilt, stress, and my faith finally got the best of me and I could no longer continue our relationship in this way. We grudgingly agreed to LC at work and NC after work. It is tough for us both.

 

I know I have put myself, my wife, and my OW in an awful situation. I don't want to hurt either of them, but I know that is impossible to avoid. My marriage is 95% over, so I am trying to decide what to do now.

 

I stumbled across this site by accident, but it has really helped me to put some things into perspective. I know the decision is mine, but your comments are welcome since I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

[wheream_i]

Hey there seeker. The gf obviously knows you're married right? How far have you gone in letting her know it's over? Or have you? Has she given you any indication that she could possibly tell your wife? You know, one of those OW that thinks to themselves, If I can't have him, then his wife needs to know about me."

 

 

It is not as simple as you people think it is. Are there other men here?

[wheream_i]

Exactly.....

 

BTW, I totally disagree w/ telling the W!! It'll make fixing your M all about the A, when that wasn't the problem in the first place.