the_seeker Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 So I have been bad. Please refrain from shouting insults at me. I know the weight of my actions. I am looking for advice. I am not looking for a lesson on morality. Wife and I were going through a tough time about two years ago. Our oldest had gone away to college and our youngest was leaving behind his grade school years. My wife did not handle this well and she wanted to have another child. I love my children but I did not want to go down that road again. You might guess that did not go over well and it seemed like a constant battle over pregnancy. I have my own business and it was not about finances. I just wanted to have some freedom. We have already had two children and I am not what you might call a spring chicken. She is 10 years my junior. My marriage had turned into silence or fights. There was no in between. The sex stopped, the communication stopped, the relationship stopped. I felt that she was withholding to get me to agree to another child. I started to feel resentful. I felt unsure what to do because of the children. I met a very attractive woman at a conference for business. We began to talk. At work on the phone at meetings and even online. I knew it was not right but I did not care. I blamed my wife and in a way I felt like she did not care about me. I felt like she would not care about another woman. She was not speaking to me. The talk turned to more about four months later. I thought I would enjoy it more than I did. I began to feel guilty. Yet I continued to talk with her and stay in contact and have sex with her. I would use a web messaging system so there would be no trace of our online conversations. That way I could keep in contact with her while I was at home. At some point I turned off. I stopped having guilt. I no longer felt bad for my actions. I know this will sound in poor taste but I would be one man with my wife and another man with the other woman and I felt nothing bad about it. Two months ago my wife apologized for how she had been treating me. She told me she wanted our relationship to be good again. I recognized her once again. I did not end the affair though. I wanted but I now felt responsible for the happiness of my wife and the other woman. I still also enjoyed her company. We had a relationship. I also was afraid of the truth coming out. Now here is the problem. I recently found out that my girlfriend turned down a career opportunity in another city. She told me that being near me was more important. Now I feel responsible. I enjoy our relationship. It is fun but it is not about reality. Suddenly I feel like reality has kicked me in the teeth. I am having trouble deciding about ending the relationship with my girlfriend.
Ladyblue Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 So I have been bad. Please refrain from shouting insults at me. I know the weight of my actions. I am looking for advice. I am not looking for a lesson on morality. Wife and I were going through a tough time about two years ago. Our oldest had gone away to college and our youngest was leaving behind his grade school years. My wife did not handle this well and she wanted to have another child. I love my children but I did not want to go down that road again. You might guess that did not go over well and it seemed like a constant battle over pregnancy. I have my own business and it was not about finances. I just wanted to have some freedom. We have already had two children and I am not what you might call a spring chicken. She is 10 years my junior. My marriage had turned into silence or fights. There was no in between. The sex stopped, the communication stopped, the relationship stopped. I felt that she was withholding to get me to agree to another child. I started to feel resentful. I felt unsure what to do because of the children. I met a very attractive woman at a conference for business. We began to talk. At work on the phone at meetings and even online. I knew it was not right but I did not care. I blamed my wife and in a way I felt like she did not care about me. I felt like she would not care about another woman. She was not speaking to me. The talk turned to more about four months later. I thought I would enjoy it more than I did. I began to feel guilty. Yet I continued to talk with her and stay in contact and have sex with her. I would use a web messaging system so there would be no trace of our online conversations. That way I could keep in contact with her while I was at home. At some point I turned off. I stopped having guilt. I no longer felt bad for my actions. I know this will sound in poor taste but I would be one man with my wife and another man with the other woman and I felt nothing bad about it. Two months ago my wife apologized for how she had been treating me. She told me she wanted our relationship to be good again. I recognized her once again. I did not end the affair though. I wanted but I now felt responsible for the happiness of my wife and the other woman. I still also enjoyed her company. We had a relationship. I also was afraid of the truth coming out. Now here is the problem. I recently found out that my girlfriend turned down a career opportunity in another city. She told me that being near me was more important. Now I feel responsible. I enjoy our relationship. It is fun but it is not about reality. Suddenly I feel like reality has kicked me in the teeth. I am having trouble deciding about ending the relationship with my girlfriend. You need to tell the girlfriend the truth. That you're only with her for fun and now because you feel obligated. She will be hurt, but it's better for her to know now, before she gets in any deeper, so she can move on with her life. As for your wife, well, one things for sure - you probably won't have to worry about her wanting a kid with you now!
Heather1 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 This is what I think happened to my OM (or xOM, or whatever's going on). We were both in trouble in our M's. I think when they get close, I get shoved. You're kind of stuck. It sounds as if she's single? And you had no plans of anything other than an A w/ her, never going to leave your W. Well....for one, she took the risk knowing you're M. Is she OK w/ just an A & nothing else? Why don't you let her at least know what you can offer her at this time & in the future what you think you can offer & let her decide? Be brutally honest w/ OW that you have no intentions of a future w/ her. And if you decide on your W, you need to totally cut ties to work on your M. Don't be a wimp & string her along "just in case." That's just so she does take those jobs & moves on.
Author the_seeker Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 You need to tell the girlfriend the truth. That you're only with her for fun and now because you feel obligated. She will be hurt, but it's better for her to know now, before she gets in any deeper, so she can move on with her life. As for your wife, well, one things for sure - you probably won't have to worry about her wanting a kid with you now! I am not with my girlfriend only for fun. Nor am I with her only because I feel obligated. It is more complicated than that. We have a loving relationship that is very good. We laugh a lot and have a very fun relationship. We do not have to worry about how we will spend our money or decide between a one or two bathroom home. There is a lot of freedom in our relationship. It is very carefree. I am sure we look just the same as any other couple in love. She is not as pragmatic nor intelligent as my wife. They are two different people. I do not think I can tell my girlfriend that my wife and I are working on our relationship. I do not want to hurt her. I think my struggle is that I feel I need to end things but at this time I do not want too. My wife has already made peace with the fact we will not conceive another child.
spice4life Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Definitely be honest with your OW because she deserves to know the truth. She probably has fantasies in her head about you and you need to set her straight. Mine did and after that I knew the game and any choice I made was completely my own choosing. I no longer had illusions about him. Unless you were misguiding her and led her on with false promises, I wouldn't feel guilty about the choices she made for herself. She knew she was involved with a MM and knew the risk...that's on her really. However, it is quite normal for an OW to get mixed up in the fantasy so it is extremely important that you tell her what the reality is. It's only fair. She will probably be upset at first and she may even leave, but it's a reality you must face. Good luck, I hope you find the answers soon before you get any deeper.
calliope Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I do not think I can tell my girlfriend that my wife and I are working on our relationship. You need to tell her so she can make an informed decision whether or not to continue with you. As an OW, we always hear about how "bad things are at home" & we comfort ourselves knowing we're giving MM something he's lacking in his home life. Now that your situation has changed, so has hers. She already knows you're married. And I'm sure you confided all the bad stuff to her....now it's time to give her the rest of the story....
satine Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 You need to tell her so she can make an informed decision whether or not to continue with you. As an OW, we always hear about how "bad things are at home" & we comfort ourselves knowing we're giving MM something he's lacking in his home life. Now that your situation has changed, so has hers. She already knows you're married. And I'm sure you confided all the bad stuff to her....now it's time to give her the rest of the story.... I agree w/calliope. just tell her (your gf) so she can move on or decide to hang in there. it's going to be hard and i know you don't want to hurt anyone - but no matter what, someone's going to get hurt. these are lose-lose situations, someone always gets hurt. i'm sorry you're in this position, sometimes we wonder how the heck we got here! good luck w/everything.
Author the_seeker Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 It is not as simple as you people think it is. Are there other men here?
Fieldsofgold Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 You need to tell her so she can make an informed decision whether or not to continue with you. As an OW, we always hear about how "bad things are at home" & we comfort ourselves knowing we're giving MM something he's lacking in his home life. Now that your situation has changed, so has hers. She already knows you're married. And I'm sure you confided all the bad stuff to her....now it's time to give her the rest of the story.... Yes, because it sounds like the girlfriend is thinking you are headed toward deciding between one- and two-bathrooms. She needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that you are not. And your wife needs to know what's going on, as well. Both women need to be allowed to make informed decisions. To deny them both that option is just selfish and self-serving.
siuys Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 All I can say is if you live truthfully everyone will end up being hurt, yourself included. The longer you wait, the longer the hurt, and the whole thing will only get messier. It's a reality you cannot have both your W and your AP. Maybe some woman don't mind, but most would not like or be able to cope. Do it sooner rather than later. There are no guarantees - back with your W, or be with OW, there is no way of knowing if the R will work but if you want both, neither will work. Break her heart sooner, rather than later. At least you can then go back to your M with some integrity intact.
Fieldsofgold Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 It is not as simple as you people think it is. Are there other men here? Yes, there are other men. Hopefully they will post soon.
Heather1 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 we all know how complicated it is!! The way to really hurt OW is false hope. You've chosen your W, let her know what the offer on the table is. It'll hurt worse for her (& maybe an intentional dday) if you don't. Let her decide. That's the least you could do for her, the other is incredibly selfish. It's taking years she'll never get back. If she chooses to give you those years, then it is what it is.
Heather1 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 BTW, I totally disagree w/ telling the W!! It'll make fixing your M all about the A, when that wasn't the problem in the first place.
bentnotbroken Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 BTW, I totally disagree w/ telling the W!! It'll make fixing your M all about the A, when that wasn't the problem in the first place. Of course you disagree with giving somebody else a choice in their own life. When did you give over the reins to others deciding your life without your input or knowledge?
Fieldsofgold Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) It is not as simple as you people think it is. Are there other men here? Excuse me. Let me back up and introduce myself. I am commonly known here as FoG. For a reason. I am a fBS (former betrayed spouse). I was, most recently, in love (I thought) with a man, as his unawares OOW. The other people who have posted on your thread, most of them I know. Bent, Siuys, calliope, heather, spice - I can assure you THEY ALL KNOW, PAINFULLY AND FIRSTHAND, IT IS NOT SIMPLE! I feel confident any one of these fine people can tell you just how really bad it can get, because they are, or have, lived it! Please don't discount their input just because they are not the Wayward Husband. In fact, just about anyone posting here knows firsthand just exactly how "not simple" it is. We're not here because we belong to the Friday morning coffee clache, and decided to surf LS for funnies. A lot of posters here are, or have been, struggling to survive. Looking for something to help them get through one more day. Read the other threads. Go read on the Infidelity forum. You will soon see that everyone here knows what it's like, in a thousand different forms of pain, that it's "not that simple." BTW, welcome to LS. Edited December 22, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
hoping2heal Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I agree with what has been said here. You should feel guilty about your wife and not the OW, jeezus.
Heather1 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 He's not asking about his W, he's asking about the OW & it's quite a valid question.
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Agreeing with Hope..You seem to feel and have more obligation towards your OW than your own wife. I know you're probably more emotionally attached to your OW, and what you feel for your wife has been buried. What you are doing is unfair to both women.. Your OW should go! She is probably looking for you to soon leave and divorce your wife, why else would she not go for that job opportunity? ENCOURAGE her to go, tell her that she owes it to herself and even more so since you are married and not going to up and leave your wife and kids. Your wife deserves to know the truth. She's the mother of your children, the woman you said vows to. You owe her the truth so she can decide if she wants to stay married and fix things, or cut bait and find someone else. You both handled things horribly, she rejected you and you became distant and detached. Allowed yourself to fall for another woman.. Now, your wife has realized she misses and loves you, has reached out, you're reaching back .. But with alot of dishonesty since you are having an affair..Reconnecting with your wife is a lie as long as you are still having an affair. You can't have both women. Choose or one day there's a good chance you'll lose both. Never say never, but it's better for you to come clean, than your wife to find out on her own. Ofcourse she'll be hurt and betrayed but having the balls to tell her is better than her finding out on her own and busting you. Anyway, life can't go on like it has been, your OW is hurting because you aren't telling her the truth..You're omitting truths, lying to your wife, having an affair, betraying your whole family unit as one.. Do something to change, one way or another.
carrie999 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Yes, there are other men. Hopefully they will post soon. As much as I like the male perspective and miss it on this board, I realize that in terms of affairs, the main difference between men and women is that women are more likely to seek support from any resource available, whereas men are more likely to just "deal" and possibly talk to someone who will listen without offering too much advice. That's been my experience, at least, as the female friend who just listens. I never say much or even offer advice, unless specifically asked. I realize that this may be a misguided statement, but it's based on what I know: the guys who talk to me just need to vent emotional things they don't want to express to their friends, and aren't ready to say to their wife or girlfriend. So unless they ask me for my opinion, I just listen. So my guess is that the guys (like you) who are here REALLY want some advice. And it's probably more frustrating to you than it is to many of the women here when the advice is not only complicated, but often a scolding from betrayed wives. My advice is to post anyway, and hope to gain insight from the people who respond.
Fieldsofgold Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 As much as I like the male perspective and miss it on this board, I realize that in terms of affairs, the main difference between men and women is that women are more likely to seek support from any resource available, whereas men are more likely to just "deal" and possibly talk to someone who will listen without offering too much advice. That's been my experience, at least, as the female friend who just listens. I never say much or even offer advice, unless specifically asked. I realize that this may be a misguided statement, but it's based on what I know: the guys who talk to me just need to vent emotional things they don't want to express to their friends, and aren't ready to say to their wife or girlfriend. So unless they ask me for my opinion, I just listen. So my guess is that the guys (like you) who are here REALLY want some advice. And it's probably more frustrating to you than it is to many of the women here when the advice is not only complicated, but often a scolding from betrayed wives. My advice is to post anyway, and hope to gain insight from the people who respond. Read a lot of other threads, too. Both here and the infidelity forum. Sometimes reading about other people's situations will give you good insight.
carrie999 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Read a lot of other threads, too. Both here and the infidelity forum. Sometimes reading about other people's situations will give you good insight. Exactly my point. I've been the good friend who listens to my male friends talk about relationship issues, and it's always been different from listening to female friends...the details are no less detailed, but very different. The things that bother men in a relationship are fundamentally the same, but come out in a different light. On LS, I've found that men tend to (anonymously) express almost exactly the same concerns in such a similar manner that I wonder this: are we really the same (or more so than we would otherwise believe), once we strip away much of our identity? But again, to the OP who was looking for more of the male perspective, it might be harder to find other men who have sought out a forum like this one to discuss an affair. That said, in the absence of the insight of other men, you may find insight from women who are in your position. In some ways, we're all in similar situations with very unique and different backgrounds and circumstances, so we might find insight into our situations from the most unlikely person.
MorningCoffee Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Hello Seeker, I'm a guy. I have been on LS since last spring. I was a Single Other Man (SOM) to a MW. All I can offer is my perspective, which may be more similar to that of your OW than to you. Having said that, FWIW, I think you should make a decision and then communicate it. In my case, ex-AP/MW was torn between staying in her M or leaving. I had hopes she would leave eventually, but never pressed her to do so, nor did she ever make any promises of any such thing to me. However, for my own part as the OM on the outside of the triangle, I needed the relationship to move forward or end. I told her on several occasions that if she was going to break my heart, to please do it sooner rather than later, when I'd be further and more deeply into the relationship. Bless her heart, she did make her decision and sat me down and gently with love told me what her decision was. And she broke my heart. Her full disclosure to her BH followed within a few days and I have not seen her since. It was very, very difficult, but she honored me by being honest with me and not leading me on, and she took the consequences of her and my actions on her marriage. While my pain was devastating and it has taken me a long time to move on, she did the right thing by me, and I urge you to do the right thing too -- make your choice and then communicate it. Best wishes.
Fieldsofgold Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Hello Seeker, I'm a guy. I have been on LS since last spring. I was a Single Other Man (SOM) to a MW. All I can offer is my perspective, which may be more similar to that of your OW than to you. Having said that, FWIW, I think you should make a decision and then communicate it. In my case, ex-AP/MW was torn between staying in her M or leaving. I had hopes she would leave eventually, but never pressed her to do so, nor did she ever make any promises of any such thing to me. However, for my own part as the OM on the outside of the triangle, I needed the relationship to move forward or end. I told her on several occasions that if she was going to break my heart, to please do it sooner rather than later, when I'd be further and more deeply into the relationship. Bless her heart, she did make her decision and sat me down and gently with love told me what her decision was. And she broke my heart. Her full disclosure to her BH followed within a few days and I have not seen her since. It was very, very difficult, but she honored me by being honest with me and not leading me on, and she took the consequences of her and my actions on her marriage. While my pain was devastating and it has taken me a long time to move on, she did the right thing by me, and I urge you to do the right thing too -- make your choice and then communicate it. Best wishes. Good post!
East7 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) Hi Seeker, I'm a guy too, but I was never married so I will be humble in my opinion as I never was in your shoes. It seems (its even obvious) that your OW is fantasy, need to escape your real world and find some romance without strings and responsibilities (like all married AP). You never intended to leave your W. If you were to leave her you would had been separated or moved towards a divorce even before meeting someone else. Your OW has not any responsability except accepting you knowing you are married. She is not lying, betraying or cheating on you. She is the honest and the faithful one. I don't agree with those here who blame her. She wouldn't have been involved without your "help". Be a man and set her free NOW ! Keeping hooks on her is very selfish no matter how clingy you are or love you feel for her. She will be hurt but you will allow her to move on with her life and find a man who wants to marry her and make her happy. As other posters have said, TIME is very important, the more you let this situation go on, the more hurt and devastation you will inflict around you. Your W will discover it one day ! Believe me, the truth always shows up, it is just a matter of time. The day you will be caught, it will be very ugly. Avoid this to yourself and your W. She will be devastated. Being cheated is worse than being dumped (I prefer being dumped rather than being betrayed). Edited December 22, 2010 by East7
myname Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Hi I'm the OW in a slightly similar situation in that my MM shows no signs of leaving his marriage but also doesn't want to lose me. It's pretty hard all round, on everyone, although he's less involved in making things better with his wife more in just keeping on juggling it all. There are times I just wish he'd let me go, and if he told me things were better in his marriage and he knew he wanted to work on it, I think that would make it easier for me to start focusing more on living my own life and moving on. It would really hurt, I might well feel very angry about it all, but it would be better to know the reality rather than to live in a fantasy where the rug could be pulled out from under me anytime. I'd say be clear and honest with your OW and try to work out what it is you really want from the situation now as it is.
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