CinCin04 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) This is my first time doing this please bear with me. I am 26 and my husband is 28 we have 4 kids and been togather for 10 years. In the past 3 months all we do is argue he has changed dramatically towards me the relationship feel very disconnected. He no longer tells me he loves me or is afeectionate UNLESS he wants sex then he is all over me, we've never had a problem in that department. He works very hard and long hours but then he is always with his friends and never spends time with me, never even asks me how my day was because now he doesnt call me at all. I have told him over and over again that if things dont change we should split but he would tell that he would try more to change now he doesnt care he thinks a seperation would be good for us, he said that he would stay at a friends house and see if I miss him and he misses me. At one point I was so mad because he wouldnt call me and tell he wasnt coming, basically acting as if he was single that we didnt talk for 5 days litrally. he was never home for those 5 days or tried to talk to me,he would come home change and go out. Alot of his actions make me think he doesnt love me anymore but wont tell me that he wants to end it. he hardly spends time with his kids and they are always asking me "when is daddy coming home?" Yesterday he didnt call me all day and all night then the next day at 7 am he called me and said he was at a friends, i was so numb that i asked him to end the relationship he told me i was stupid i asked to make arrangements to stay with his friend cause the relationship feels done and then he hung up and never called me back. Maybe it was stupid to talk over the phone but he's never home or he doesnt want to talk. I cry alot and i feel like i have anxiety attack. I love him and our family but it feels over and i deserve to be in a happy place in my life not lonely and sad. i dunno i am glad i typed thisand got it off my chest but full of sadness cause i dont know what to do!!!! has anyone gone through this or have so advice.. i would love hearing it. Cynthia Edited December 22, 2010 by CinCin04
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 This is my first time doing this please bear with me. I am 26 and my husband is 28 we have 4 kids and been togather for 10 years. In the past 3 months all we do is argue he has changed dramatically towards me the relationship feel very disconnected. He no longer tells me he loves me or is afeectionate UNLESS he wants sex then he is all over me, we've never had a problem in that department. He works very hard and long hours but then he is always with his friends and never spends time with me, never even asks me how my day was because now he doesnt call me at all. I have told him over and over again that if things dont change we should split but he would tell that he would try more to change now he doesnt care he thinks a seperation would be good for us, he said that he would stay at a friends house and see if I miss him and he misses me. At one point I was so mad because he wouldnt call me and tell he wasnt coming, basically acting as if he was single that we didnt talk for 5 days litrally. he was never home for those 5 days or tried to talk to me,he would come home change and go out. Alot of his actions make me think he doesnt love me anymore but wont tell me that he wants to end it. he hardly spends time with his kids and they are always asking me "when is daddy coming home?" Yesterday he didnt call me all day and all night then the next day at 7 am he called me and said he was at a friends, i was so numb that i asked him to end the relationship he told me i was stupid i asked to make arrangements to stay with his friend cause the relationship feels done and then he hung up and never called me back. Maybe it was stupid to talk over the phone but he's never home or he doesnt want to talk. I cry alot and i feel like i have anxiety attack. I love him and our family but it feels over and i deserve to be in a happy place in my life not lonely and sad. i dunno i am glad i typed thisand got it off my chest but full of sadness cause i dont know what to do!!!! has anyone gone through this or have so advice.. i would love hearing it. Cynthia Okay this is just my opinion. I would think that he may be checking out some other girl if not yet already having an affair. I'm not one to jump to that conclusion right away...but with his distancing himself from you and the 4 kids (which I'm gonna have to tell you your absolutely crazy) but since we can't change that now...sounds like there may be someone lets say..single...kidless giving him tons of attention that he may not get at home with you and once again the 4 kids. I hear a bit of immaturity on both parts of your relationship...hence having 4 kids when your only 26. Thats a huge responsibilty to take on and I can't even imagine the craziness of that sort of household..add that with a distant mom and dad...who dont talk for 5 days in a row. I have been cheated on..so I know that for my fws he became distant and always had to go out every other friday night. That was the trend for him. Not sure what your mans trend is but it does seem like he likes to go out ALOT..especially for a dude with 4 kids! Anyhow I think you should explore my theory...then decide what your going to do. It will be tough for a single mom to handle 4 kids on her own at your age..but will give you props if you can do it. Does this man have a good job? I sure hope so!
Author CinCin04 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 He owns his own company is a great provider!!!! Problelms are between us..... My life revolves around the kids and house but come 9 pm kids are asleep and I'm all alone all the time i want to spend time he wants to be with his friends after work. He would still take care of us if we weren't togather its just his character but he doesnt want the wife anymore i feel it in my gut. The kids never have any idea there is something wrong we smile and dont yell in front of the kids or say horrible things about eachother to them NEVER. Is it wrong to ask him to call after work and tell me he's going out? is it ok that he never comes home before 2 am?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 He owns his own company is a great provider!!!! Problelms are between us..... My life revolves around the kids and house but come 9 pm kids are asleep and I'm all alone all the time i want to spend time he wants to be with his friends after work. He would still take care of us if we weren't togather its just his character but he doesnt want the wife anymore i feel it in my gut. The kids never have any idea there is something wrong we smile and dont yell in front of the kids or say horrible things about eachother to them NEVER. Is it wrong to ask him to call after work and tell me he's going out? is it ok that he never comes home before 2 am? I understand that the kids may never see it but they must "feel" something. It's very wrong he doesnt call you and not home before 2 am like even during the workweek? Sheesh..this man is not hanging out with dudes this whole time..and this often. I'm sure some of his friends must have a life. What does he tell you he's doing everyday from 9pm to 2am? Thats crazy. Have you ever gone through his cell phone? Emails..anything? Something is very wrong for him not wanting to spend any time with the people that love him most. Can be a mid-life..but he seems a lil young yet to be going through one. Who knows..but something is definately up. When did you start noticing this..and how long has it been getting from bad to worse?
Author CinCin04 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Yup work week, he only hangs out with his single guy friends, this has been happening for the past 3 months. Sometimes he smells like alcohol but he doesnt look drunk just hanging out with his friend. Been through his phone and email never any suspicious msgs.
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I am 26 and my husband is 28 we have 4 kids and been togather for 10 years. In the past 3 months all we do is argue he has changed dramatically towards me the relationship feel very disconnected. 10 years and 4 kids is alot of history to throw away after 3 months of things not being good. Go to marriage counselling, give this your best effort, hope he does the same. if it doesn't work out, atleast YOU will know you gave it your all.. To end the marriage without trying to fix things is something you both may regret.
Author CinCin04 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 I have asked many times and he wont go refuses i dont know what do?
bethelily Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Girl, hang in there! It sounds like he wants a break from the responsibility of being a dad and husband. He's so young and you had kids so fast, he's probably having a quarter-life crisis. He's hanging out with his single friends because he misses the single life! I've seen this before in acquaintances and coincidentally, this was what MY dad did to my mom. He won't go to counseling, so don't force him. Some guys NEVER will. But YOU want to fix the relationship so can you go? On a Saturday when he can watch the kids for an hour? There are some places that will lower the price for low-income families if you need that. Go to a counselor that actually wants you guys to stay married--those ones will help the best. But if you go to a counselor whose philosophy is "I'll support you in whatever is best for you" then you'll prob end up in a divorce. [interview them over the phone and ask what their philosophy is.] But you have a family now. Girl, you can do this! Give him some space, act like you don't need him. He's in his "cave" and doesn't want to come out unless you're fun and exciting to him which is gonna take a little work. Don't make him text you or call you-- we don't want this to be a chore for him. He'll come around when he wants, if he wants. If he is drinking, then that is a whole other issue that I know little about since my DH and I are sober. Hang in there. Let him party a little, and then focus on YOURSELF and making yourself feel pretty (I'm sure you're already pretty, but feeling pretty is different), doing fun things with your kids, excercising more (unless you're already training for a marathon, we all could use a little more exercise--it's a natural uplifter), praying to whoever you pray to, and getting together more with your girly friends (ie. dinner once a month with the girls or whatever). My hope is that in all my advice, you found at least one tiny little piece that is worth using. You can do this. You'll feel like a single mom for a while, but lemme tell you-- if you still love him, or even USED to love him and you USED to have a good relationship, you can get it back! Divorce SUCKS with kiddos -- divorce is ALSO a life-long commitment once you have kids. Paint your nails, buy new clothes, go OUT of the house or enroll in a class of your choice. Would he babysit the kids while you go to a class every Saturday morning (cooking class? photography class? etc.) Or is there someone else who can watch the kiddos? Develop yourself during this time and hang in there. You've got way more power than you know to turn this around. Good luck, hon!
bethelily Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 "i was so numb that i asked him to end the relationship he told me i was stupid i asked to make arrangements to stay with his friend cause the relationship feels done and then he hung up and never called me back. " Wait one more thing--he said you're stupid when you said to end the relationship, right? That's a good thing! He thinks ending the relationship is a stupid idea! This is good news. Hold on to that. And then you asked him to stay with his friend 'cause it feels like the relationship is over and he hung up? That's a good thing! It means he didn't like that idea either. So no more suggesting you end the relationship, got it?? It seems that he doesn't want it to be like this either and it sounds like he's not cheating (I think from what you said), so you got something to hold on to even if it's a shred.
riley707 Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 He met someone who is more sexual to him than you are. Or, it was just a meeting at a bar and he's hanging out more there to see if he can bump into her again. Take my advice or not, but I've seen this in my profession many times. Your children are the glue, and once he crosses the line and sees how much of an idiot he is ( and especially how much a loser his fantasy girlfriend is ) he'll come running back home. You can either wait for this to happen or adopt a new attitude that focuses on the children and ignores him. Stop cooking for him, stop doing things for him to stick around. He wants space, freedom and hot young chicks so give it to him. In the end its your decision to take him back for one more shot or just cut your losses and move on. Guys flip out when their wives start to act crazy and do stuff not expected. He thinks he can safely just walk all over you and that because of his income, you need to tolerate it. You don't!
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