Free spirit86 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 My boyfriend just recently ended our LDR, and I am having a tough time with it because our story is so special and I don't think are differences are enough to breakup over. I don't know how to make this short but I will try. I met him online in September 09 and we finally met when I flew to Australia to meet him. I paid my whole way there, and our connection was amazing. Never thought I could feel this way about someone. I returned to the states after spending two months in Australia, and we made plans for me to come to Switzerland, which is where he is originally from. I was hired as an aupair(after some very extensive convincing!), but was unable to attain a visa because of Switzerland's visa restrictions for the year 2010. So, we just decided that I will come on my tourist visa for 3 months. I arrived in August and it was so great initially. We of course had our disagreements. It seemed like I wasn't doing enough. He wanted me to learn French A lot faster even though I only has three months(no classes), and I took lessons with the next door neighbor, He would complain about me cooking even though I cooked often(made dinner from scratch literally, I really loved doing that), because he was working and I wasn't my responsibilities were to clean and do laundry, which I always did. sometimes I would do stuff (i.e wash dishes, fold clothes)when he got home, but I didn't think it was too big of a deal cause it was getting done. I left at the end of November, and his major complaint was that I wasn't involved enough. I guess he didn't feel like I was making friends fast enough? not sure. He just ended it a few days ago siting that I wasn't involved enough and maybe we should just stop dreaming. I am not sure if it's the cold weather but he has been in a bad mood since I left, and telling me I am not involved enough when I traveled twice to see him paid my way twice, and put myself out there as much as I knew how in a foreign country. I am working on moving on but I think of him so much and feel so much for him. He made me feel beautiful, appreciated. He said he didn't feel appreciated, and he felt used, but I didn't understand that because I paid my way and have bought him things. I don't make a whole lot of money, which I suppose he understands, but he has made me feel like I didn't do anything for him to show him I care. Can someone help me understand? I want to get him back because this is too special to throw away. I waited so long for him. We didn't actually see each other until march. so from sept till march no physical contact. Doesn't that mean something. Am I too much of a dreamer?
folieadeux Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I think you have to ask yourself what you'll be getting out of the deal if the two of you reconcile. I know we only get to hear one side of the story on here, but this relationship seems very one-sided to me. He may be a nice guy and I'm sure you love him, but you sacrificed and gave up SO much for him, which he doesn't appear very appreciative of at all. Making friends and establishing a life somewhere new is hard to say the very least, nevermind doing it in another country in a few months. I'm not quite sure what he expected of you that you didn't do, but his demands seem very unrealistic to me. Did he ever say anything was good that you did do for him? It just appears as if nothing you did was good enough...and that's most likely an issue he has that he has to work out on his own.
Taucher Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) I felt quite sad reading your story. What exactly did you get out of this relationship? And how did he have the front to say he felt not appreciated and used? And he complained about you cooking. You went to him in Australia AND Switzerland? And he complains that you didnt learn his language quickly enough?! Maybe you are too nice? You also dont really say anything positive about him in your post; just that you want him back. Maybe you feel this way because you have invested so much into this, and sacrificed so much too. If he was from the same country, would you really want him back? This might sound harsh, but the glimmer of hope appeared when you split up. I think you deserve better. T Edited December 22, 2010 by Taucher
Author Free spirit86 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 well, sorry if I didn't say anything nice about him. No he is really a great guy! He took care of me while I was with him in both Australia and Switzerland. He bought tickets for us to go London for my Birthday but we didn't go cause he had just started a new job. He has done more than nice things for me,however I think what I could do for him wasn't measuring up for what he has done for me. I think that's how it seems. But I have very limited resources in terms buying gifts and he said he wanted little surprises, maybe I wasn't creative enough? He would say yeah you do things but don't you think you could do more? I don't know guys. He is a lot things that I want and he has some things I don't want. I could have future with this guy, a family, travel, good times. I believe in it because we really connect.It is just that he is demanding-he even says that and his parents have told him too! I am so sad...
creighton0123 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 well, sorry if I didn't say anything nice about him. No he is really a great guy! He took care of me while I was with him in both Australia and Switzerland. He bought tickets for us to go London for my Birthday but we didn't go cause he had just started a new job. He has done more than nice things for me,however I think what I could do for him wasn't measuring up for what he has done for me. I think that's how it seems. But I have very limited resources in terms buying gifts and he said he wanted little surprises, maybe I wasn't creative enough? He would say yeah you do things but don't you think you could do more? I don't know guys. He is a lot things that I want and he has some things I don't want. I could have future with this guy, a family, travel, good times. I believe in it because we really connect.It is just that he is demanding-he even says that and his parents have told him too! I am so sad... He wanted "little surprises"? You traveled to him twice and took four to five months out of your life for him. You considered a workers visa (relocating to another country other than your own). You immersed yourself in his language to try to learn it - why French if he's from Switzerland? He also spent time in Australia, so it's obvious that he knows English... you cooked, cleaned dishes, did laundry, played the dutiful wife.... He's too demanding. You left your entire life behind to be with him - friends, family, potentially career, country of origin... and he kept telling you he wants or expects more? It sounds less like he wanted a girlfriend and more like he wanted an aupair....
Author Free spirit86 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Well there are some things about me that I must tell you. I want everyone to have something close to both sides of the story. I am still deciding on a career path, and I have problem with changing my mind too often regarding a future profession. He says I am interested in many things and thats good but I need to commit to something. I have sort of decided on Personal Fitness Training but the market for that in Switzerland is not in great demand-side note: Switzerland has 4 national languages, French being one of them. I think he is overall concerned about whether I am independent and reliable enough to start a family. Yes, its clear that I can do things on my own,like make travel plans and such, but for him it is whether I am capable of being a wife and mother cause thats a big job. I guess I understand, now that I am writing it out what his fears are. But aren't these things that you cultivate. I am 24 years old, still figuring out what I want in terms of a profession and not anything else. I know what I want in terms of a partner and friends and activities, but just not profession. I don't know should I just let it go, and get my career started, forget about this beautiful but complicated relationship? I just hope that I find someone equally interested in travel and living abroad but more flexible and open minded. Thanks for all the advice, your posts made me laugh a bit!
creighton0123 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 You're correct. Independence and reliability are all good things to look for in a relationship. However, after meeting only recently and dating for less than a year, even if much of it is long distance, he shouldn't be so demanding to insist you immediately pick up the skills he thinks are necessary to a good "wife and mother". You should get your career started. Get out in the world on your own and stand on your own two feet, figuring out what you want to do - what you love. That way, when you meet an awesomely special man, you can stand beside him and lead together, not behind him while being led. Be powerful. Be beautiful. Be the fierce woman that you are. Until you're comfortable in all of those things, you'll never meet a man worthy enough of your awesomeness :-D
Omei Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Did you ever think that between the year of meeting him in 2009 and moving in with him as soon as 2010 was too fast? I mean at first I am sure it was all wonderful in the months you visited and for the first few months of living together but do you think that giving up things like family, privacy and many other things was too soon after such little time? and evolved into small resentments and quarrels? In my opinion this seems like classic rush and fall...But maybe im wrong.
Romance Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 I am sorry that happened, but it sort of sounds like you got yourself into ..a very unobtainable relationship. Staying with someone for 3 months one of the very first times you meet them seems..very interesting. He sounds like he can't handle it. I feel as though that if he can't respect that you paid your way..yet he felt used..then you're better off without him.
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