How should i deal with this....

[aj_more]

Hi folks, i have used this forum in the passed and its proved a great place for advice, so here goes again.....

 

My current relationship is a few weeks of 1 year old. It's a lot more grown up than previous relationships. Its my first since i had a major breakup after 6 years with someone after finding out she met someone else.

 

Im 28, she is 27. Both very similar in humour and lifestlye though we both have very different jobs. First 6 months were fine, odd arguement etc but nothing major. A few weeks before i came into her life, my girlfriend was getting on with a guy at work, he was interested in her and her in him. they had a few drinks but she had her reasons not to go further with him, then i came along. Now i always knew this guy she still works with was very interested, but after meeting me, he never really figured in her life. This summer, her dog died and my girlfriend was heart broken. I was there with her 24/7 doing what ever i could. The guy from work helped her get a few extra days off and she started txting him again. I thought nothing of it, he is a work friend and helped her out, no problem.

 

After a while i start to notice she is hearing from him a lot more, again i was fine with this until one day she left her mobile phone bill at my house. she text him 1500 times in a month, and me, 500ish. now i thought this was odd. i brought it up and we had a long convo regarding this guy. she said she he helped her out and is a good friend, regardless of the past.

 

Few months go by and i still see her texting him and him evening calling at 3am drunk. As this is happening my girlfriend is starting to loose interest in our relationship. 2 months ago after a 3 week holiday together she says she is not happy and does not feel the same about this as me.

 

Now looking back, i have been very over the top and not given her a lot of space as i knew this guy was about and i was trying to hard. We chatted for hours again about the guy at work and she admits she has had feelings for him, but nothing would ever happen as long as im with her. I believe her on this, but i do not know how to cope with the work friend.

 

I have a few small insecurities, and i admit that. I do get jealous but try hard not to show it. We have spoken a lot about him,and she has assured me nothing would ever happen.

 

3 weeks ago i receive an email from this guys current girlfriend. It was meant for my girlfirend and mentioned how when he was drunk he had been texting her stuff like "i want you and you know it". this really pushed me and i questioned my girlfriend. she admitted he had been flirting with her. The girl who sent the email never said my girlfriend had did anything wrong but just wanted to know what was going on and warned her that he might be a pest.

 

I have not dealt with this well, and now my girlfriend has decided its time for a break. She wants to step back to see where she stands in this. I have been very nice about all of this, but now have found out they are still texting a lot. I spoke to her yesterday and mentioned him and she said seriously get over him and if i dont, it will end us and to leave her alone for a while.

 

Now i understand they work together, my girlfriend has not many friends ad see's him as a good one. But i seem to have gotten a rough end here, while he was split his own relationship apart and is still in daily contact with my girlfriend on a break.

Now am i over reacting? Am i being insecure?

I trust her 100% and she has been hurt worse than me in the past and has assured me she would never hurt me, hence why she wants a break for a bit. I know this time away is for me to get my life back because i have been living in her shadow for a year, being too nice and always there.

I just dont know if its my jealousy doing this, which i can control and work on, or am i being taken for a fool.

 

Every female friend i have spoken to has agreed that she sounds a very honest and pure person and right now its best i leave her be. they all said that she would tell me if something every happened based on what i have explained and i agree. I have never met a more honest person in my life, so much so, her honest hurts hence she told me she did fancy him.

 

Please, any advice would be amazing, plus any more detail needed, im happy to add. Thanks for taking time to help a lost soul!

[lkjh]

dude at the very least your gf is carrying on a EA with a coworker and she spends more time talking to him than you. And he openly admits he wants her and she keeps him around

 

Are you overreacting? Hell no

 

you should be the one breaking up with her, not the other way around

[lkjh]

even if she hasn't done anything physical she has still cheated.

[PegNosePete]

Every female friend i have spoken to has agreed that she sounds a very honest and pure person and right now its best i leave her be. they all said that she would tell me if something every happened based on what i have explained and i agree.

Dude sorry to say, they are all completely wrong, or just trying to be nice to you. But never fear, us at LS are always honest and say it like we see it! It's best for you in the long run, even if it hurts to read.

 

It's not your jealousy; it is your gut instinct. It is seldom wrong. She has been extremely dishonest with you. She has already checked out of your relationship and there is very little you can do to resurrect it. She has had an emotional affair with this guy and now wants to "take a break", if you ask anyone on here they will tell you that that is the final nail in the coffin dude. When a woman takes a break after having an affair it means the end, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

 

She has disrespected you completely. You mention that the OM's GF said your GF didn't do anything in response to his flirting... well that my friend is disrespect... she should have told him to F*CK OFF. Saying nothing in response to flirting means "please carry on". She is encouraging him by not telling him it's inappropriate, and that means complicity, just as if she was flirting back. She didn't tell him to F*CK OFF because she loved the attention from him.

 

Dude you should immediately go NC with this woman. Tell her it's over and then never speak to her again.

[aj_more]

Guys, thanks for the advice. She has been very honest about her feelings towards him and has always told me the truth. Id a feeling this break meant it was over. Today she flys to england to e with her family, i said i would txt happy christmas, but thinking now of saying nothing.

 

She had bought me gifts etc and said we could meet after holidays and see how things where. she said she is not looking out of this. she wants space to see how she feels on her own. Ive heard stuff like this all before.

 

We came to 3 options after hours of talking....

 

1- Take a break and try and work through this

2- continue in a relationship she is not happy with

3- end it and never speak again.

 

We both agreed 1, but now, knowing she is in so much constant contact with this guy, im going to go with 3, and walk away. Itll hurt, i know that, but best thing i guess.

 

I know some women say to be cool about it, that women hate jealousy, but tbh, it's just all too close. She mentioned after it that he said he would stop texting as nothing was going to happen between them, but nope, it still continues.

 

Im so pissed off i have wasted time on this!

 

I guess option 3 is the right 1?

[PegNosePete]

Yes option 3 is definitely the right one. At this point she is just trying to keep you hanging on, as a backup plan, and emotional tampon. You need to walk away with your head held high. Doing anything but option 1 would just be prolonging your pain and suffering.

[Chi townD]

Alright,

 

The reason she wants this "break" is not for her to "think thiings out" or "take a step back and look at the big picture" or whatever the hell she's telling you. The break is for her to explore this other guy with you not around. She can't possibly do that with you in the picture.

 

Okay, lets look at this logically. During this break, she's probably not going to call you or text you much. Do you think she's going to do the same thing with this other guy? RED FLAG!

 

Sorry, but you can throw that " she's the most honest person in the world" crap out the window.

[aj_more]

ok so NC then? im looking to do this face to face to tell her that what has driven us apart is her relationship with this guy. Ive told her that all the stuff that has led up to this, anybody else would have told her to f..K OFF!! she said why have i not? i said cuz i think more of her than any normal person, but she is using this i guess.

 

She has told me that something missing for her was for me to man up about things, be more ballsy! I guess this is the time to do that.

 

Now we have not spoken in 4 days, she is away for Christmas untill the 28th, so i guess wait until after?

 

Also a few days after she asked for a break, i deleted her from Facebook, which she cracked up at and told me to stop being dramatic, should i do that now?

 

Honestly though, i keep thinking if i leave her alone, let holidays pass and see what happens after? Then tell her i want this to continue, but not while she has this relationship with this guy??

Edited December 22, 2010 by aj_more

[dont-be-naive]

ok so NC then? im looking to do this face to face to tell her that what has driven us apart is her relationship with this guy. Ive told her that all the stuff that has led up to this, anybody else would have told her to f..K OFF!! she said why have i not? i said cuz i think more of her than any normal person, but she is using this i guess.

 

She has told me that something missing for her was for me to man up about things, be more ballsy! I guess this is the time to do that.

 

Now we have not spoken in 4 days, she is away for Christmas untill the 28th, so i guess wait until after?

 

 

no, send her a text, or call her and tell her that you don't want a relationship with someone like her. tell her when she gets back to not contact you ever again. and if she wants you to be ballsy, then tell her to F off like she expected any other guy to tell her.

 

and for her to laugh at you and saying you were dramatic for deleting her from Facebook, that just shows the level of disrespect she has for you. she can disrespect you like she has, and you aren't entitled to cut contact with her? She is not someone I'd wish on anyone. Tell her its over and to leave you alone, then block her on everything if you can, and on things you can't, ignore her.

[Chi townD]

Look, I know that all of this is hard to hear, because you've pretty much proven that you're head over heels about this girl. However, I very much doubt that she feels the same way about you. Stings a little. I know, I'm sorry, but you have to look at it from that angle.

 

You say that you haven't spoken to her in about four days. Well, I can pretty much assume that she's talked to this OM while she's been away, and YOUR HER BOYFRIEND. If the shoe were on the other foot, do you think she would tolerate 1000 of texts back and forth between you and another girl? What do you think she'd do if she found out you're starting to have feelings for this other girl? What if she saw texts from this girl stating that she wanted you? What would be her reaction?

 

I agree, send her a e-mail stating that you've had enough. You pretty much knew the relationship was over as soon as the two of you became three. You're not someones doormat that they can step all over, and you'd rather not talk to her or see her because of the level of disrespect that you've received.You know you're not perfect, but you definately deserve more than being her second best. You are kind, respectful, caring and an all around good guy. Qualities a lot of women are seeking in a relationship. So, you might be lonely at first, but no worries. You won't be lonely for long.

[forrest]

I agree with all of the above. Your course of action is send her an email or a txt. It's over and you need to go NC. Calling her will just prolong her pain of getting over her.

[aisle_seat]

I agree with those above, in fact I'd hesitate to send her anything at all; just leave her hanging as she's done with you. Though you should be the adult...but no face to face or phone calls. Just a simple text that says you won't be contacting her anymore and you would appreciate if she did not contact you.

 

Get the last word and leave it at that. Delete any texts she sends you in the future so you're not tempted to reply. Take some time for yourself then find someone who appreciates and respects you.

[aj_more]

Hey folks, just typed out a detailed email as to why im doing this.

I tried to call her to say bye, but twice she did not pick up.

It was a long email, but there was a lot i had to say, mainly regarding being second place.

Im very upset about this all, tbh i had planned to spend christmas giving her space and seeing what the outcome was. But the more i thought about her texting away to this guy while i sit and think about her so much angered me.

I guess i should remove her from Facebook now?

[aj_more]

Even though in the email i have been very "this is over"? I guess she has to feel its over to really see what she feels.

 

I wasn't overally mushy,lol, just said i wished she gave this a chance instead of being with me in body, but never mind. And said i loved her.

 

Doubt ill hear back from her, she is a very stubborn woman. I guess i need to move on. :-(

[dont-be-naive]

Hey folks, just typed out a detailed email as to why im doing this.

I tried to call her to say bye, but twice she did not pick up.

It was a long email, but there was a lot i had to say, mainly regarding being second place.

Im very upset about this all, tbh i had planned to spend christmas giving her space and seeing what the outcome was. But the more i thought about her texting away to this guy while i sit and think about her so much angered me.

I guess i should remove her from Facebook now?

 

yes, delete her from facebook, cut contact. No need to call her. If you did that in the email, then let her stew over it. don't answer her calls or texts if she sends any.

 

if possible, block her on everything.

[dont-be-naive]

Even though in the email i have been very "this is over"? I guess she has to feel its over to really see what she feels.

 

well if she gets scared that she is losing a good guy, dont let her weasel her way back into your life.

 

I have a rule, if someone wants space, or a break, I give it to them, permanently. Because I'm not going to put up with worrying about when the next time they will want their space in the future when life just bores the hell out of them.

[Chi townD]

Definately delete her from facebook! There's too much temptation there. Plus, when she gets mad (and she will) that you've completely cut her out of your life, She's gonna start posting picks of her and this guy together, and believe me, you don't want to see that.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Chi townD

[Flyin in Clouds]

Remove her from facebook... ouch....

 

Come on guy... move on. If she comes crawling back, which for your sake I hope doesn't happen, lay down the law... no more txting other guys. She gets you and only you. No flirting, nada.... she's either yours completely or not at all. You want 100% of her, mind, body and spirit. Nothing less will do.

[aj_more]

well she didnt take it too good. She text me telling me how dare i, tha she wanted space and i never gave it to her. that her and the other guy are just friends who have a laugh. She was really angry about it all, how come? She said that she now see's me for who i really am, and glad it's now before this went on any longer.

 

She has slammed down phones on me telling me its over in the past, but now when i do it, im the worst in the world? She said this has nothing to do with the other guy and she kept texting for me to leave her alone.

 

I wake up to find she has removed herself from facebook and is now single.

 

Geez, i feel like crap. Is this her trying to make me feel bad? She kept saying it's my decision and it's to late to get our relationship back after what i said in the email.

[PegNosePete]

What a crock of sh*t. You are giving her exactly what she asked for!!!

 

Yes she is just making you feel bad.

She wanted to keep you around as a backup plan.

She wanted to use you as an emotional tampon.

She thought you were "Mr. Dependable" who would keep chasing her and showering her with attention.

She wanted to keep you around in case the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

She wanted you to be a puppy dog, fixated on her and obsessing over her for years to come.

 

She didn't get her way.

Because she didn't get her way, she wants you to feel bad too.

She threw her toys out of the pram.

She has revealed herself for who she really is, a manipulative user!

 

Don't feel bad dude, it's her who treated you like sh*t and she got what was coming. Now it's time to delete all traces of her, don't just delete her from FB, block her.

[aj_more]

hi folks, thanks for helping me out.

I know she is throwing her toys out.

She has made me feel like **** though. My dad came down to help me with my car, i was talking to him, he said she could have genuinely friends with him, but why has she left you on a break, over christmas while they chat away.

 

She was very nasty on the texts. She assured me that this guy meant nothing, but i should have listened to my friends who said to give her space. But that i could not get it into my thick head that this guy meant nothing.

 

I know listening to everyone on here has helped, i just feel in my gut i have done the wrong thing.

 

We have both talked so much about our relationship and this other guy.

She said she had a chance with him before i came along, and she has reasons not to take it. But that during our relationship, she fancied him and he liked her back, but promised that nothing would ever happen as long as we where together.

 

Should i have waited until she got back from her family? And spoke face to face? Thing i don't understand is that throughout our year together, she has told me it's over several times, and i have hung in there saying i didnt want it to end. Now i have called it, and she really has gone sour on me, i just don't understand!!!

 

Again folks, thanks for all your support, i woke up feeling like crap this morning, and i will do for a while!

[PegNosePete]

You've done the right thing dude. She was having an emotional affair with this guy. 1500 texts a month, that is on average 50 per day, every day. That is not "just friends". But just because nothing physical happened (if you believe that?) she thinks she can say that nothing happened. He quite clearly does not mean "nothing" to her. Listen to your dad, he is right. Why would she leave you on a break over Christmas while continuing with this other guy? She will never admit it to you and her FB might say "single" for now, but I'd bet money that they'll be together within a month.

 

throughout our year together, she has told me it's over several times, and i have hung in there saying i didnt want it to end. Now i have called it, and she really has gone sour on me, i just don't understand!!!

Ah there you go. Women 101. You've acted like a doormat, a puppy dog. You have trained her this way, told her that she can do it again and again and that you'll be there waiting. Every time she has told you it's over (probably to get her way?), you have wagged your tail and done the sad eyes thing and she has gotten the attention she craved. Now you are actually sticking up for yourself, and showing some pride and dignity, and she doesn't like it. She wants you to be submissive, to hang around waiting on the doorstep with a bunch of flowers in one hand and chocolates in the other, while she goes around doing whatever the fu*k she likes. Well now you are telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and she doesn't like it, because she is used to getting away with it in the past. And now as revenge she is trying to make you feel bad (and unfortunately succeeding), even though it is her who checked out of the relationship a long time ago.

[aj_more]

A friend of hers has told me she has deleted everything to do with me already. That sucks! I sent a txt saying I love her but can not let her get on like this and I wished she could see it from my point of view.

Going into work and I feel sick. She knew she hurt me time and time again and said the break was so she wouldn't hurt me anymore. I really hope I have done the right thing.

 

I'm sorry for being a d1ck about all this folks. I wished I could stand up and walk away confidently knowing I was right, but I can't. I have been the puppy dog, I have been to nice about all this, now I just feel sick. Thanks for the support people. I appreciate it.

[Chi townD]

First, You're in shock and depressed. Here's a few things you need to do.

 

1.Stop contacting her!!!!! No more texts, no more phone calls, no more e-mails. Yeah, you feel like crap now and there's a big hole in you. But, after a little time away, you'll start to see exactly what she was doing to you and you'll start to get angry about the whole thing.

 

2. Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. Go to the gym, eat right.

 

3. Don't read any texts or take phone calls from her. She just wants to hurt you more and do you really need it?

 

4. DON'T Give her friends any information on how you're doing. She gonna have them check up on you to see if the abuse she's trying to do has the desired affect. (Since you won't respond to any of her calls and texts)

 

Try those. Sorry this is happening to you. But dude, you really deserve better. But, take something away from this. At least you proven to her that you have a spine. OH! and change your FB status to single as well.

[aj_more]

just home from work, had an awful day, nothing but this situation going round and round in my head. spoke to a lot of people at work, they are all very supportive, most agreed i did the right thing, but i know they would say that, becuase my story is from my point of view, but i gave them as much fact as possible.

 

some of the females at work agreed though that she was probably very honest about it all, and that she probably did nothing, but that much contact with someone from a girl in a relationship was not on. Also that she did cross a line by allowing the flirting to go on.

 

thanks for all the advice about btw, i deactivated my FB, just for a while. Even though she does not appear on mine anymore, thought it best just to clear my head.

 

When my gf replied last night with the texts, i mentioned she had crossed a line, but she said i was using this other guy to blame the break for our relationship. Right now, i'm missing her, like hell, but this is normal.

 

I keep thinking what have i thrown away, again i guess thats normal. This, btw, is the first time in my life i have ended a relationship. I never knew it hurt this much as well. Anyways, i'm still hoping i have done the right thing. In a way, being on this forum helps me not want to contact her, as you all give it as it is.

Edited December 23, 2010 by aj_more