I've got a lot to say, but don't know where to start..

[dispatch3d]

Sounds like you suffer from the same entitlement problems hot women suffer from. At least you have something in common?

[mr.dream merchant]

sally4sara already went over your hypocrisy in other areas. I'll just add. . .

 

 

 

a) People don't have dating "resumes." Now, you can talk to a person about their past and see what they seem to have learned and who they seem to be, but an employee is a commodity, a life partner --- what you're looking for, theoretically, with LTR dating, if you are dating quality partners --- is not a commodity. They don't have to justify their 'worth' like someone would with a 'resume.' Again, your language continues to show the transactional approach you take to dating.

 

b) "didn't want to talk about things." What on Earth could that be? If you're seriously dating someone, what subject could be off limits?

 

c) If you want a quality woman, she is going to 'challenge' you. That's what quality people do. They challenge you. They're equals. Now, I'm not saying people should be aggressive or shrill, but they should be assertive. If they aren't assertive, they aren't going to be quality in other ways.

 

We were laying down sipping wine, enjoying ourselves and she started talking about her past. She lived in the hood, and for the most part, I don't get down with hood women. She starts telling me stories about how her ex would keep his gat stashed in her house, and she would have to walk him to her apartment so rival gang members in her neighborhood wouldn't give her boyfriend trouble.

 

I was pretty surprised. Because so far until she went over the story with me, she was pretty cool. Sometimes when she got upset I could hear the real gritty New York street talk come out, but I never really suspected her actually living it. I wasn't enjoying the topic of discussion so I pretty much just cut her off in the middle of her story, told her that I didn't want to hear it. She asked why, and I told her, her past is her past, and I'd rather not see her in that light. Then she claimed that was immature of me, and why her story doesn't fit well with me. Again, I told her, her past is her past, it doesn't matter to me...that I'm more focused on the here, now.

 

She got upset, kept asking why, so I told her. Told her that so far, she's been a great girl. Now upon hearing these stories about her being some hood chick 3-4 years ago, it's kind of upsetting because I don't mess with women from the hood. She said it was almost as if I was denying who she was. Told her I wasn't judging her, I just didn't want to hear stories of the women I like, being in the hood, ****ing with hood people. She then said that how I was acting was "bitchmade". Queue the argument..blah blah blah.

 

 

Looking back on it, maybe I did judge her. Because I couldn't look at her the same way after that. All I saw was some retired hood chick that WANTS to make a change. And that's not what I'm looking for...because in my experience, women from the hood act a certain way, and get down with certain men. I do not support it. I know what goes on in the hood and it's just not something I want anything to do with.

 

I don't know why I judge people on the recent past, especially women. Most likely because my emotions are involved and I want to protect them as much as I can but still allowing myself to get out there, and give things a shot. Which is why I told her, she has a past, it's cool, so do I, let's forget about it, move forward.

 

But to her, she saw it as me not caring about her stories that she wanted to share, and just cutting her off mid sentence telling her it doesn't interest me.

[Jannah]

It's so funny that you condemned that girl for coming from the hood when the very first thing my friend said upon seeing your picture was, "Broke and Ghetto, obviously."

 

Well, actually that was the 2nd thing she said. The first thing she said was, "Dear God, Sarah. You're not thinking about slumming it with him, are you?"

 

Face it, son. You are exactly the kind of a guy a chick from the ghetto would chat up. In my circle, the only way you could get a girl to talk to you would be to stand on the street corner holding a cup. Then a few of us might say, "Stay warm" right after we drop a dollar in.

 

Sarah, that's not nice.

[paddington bear]

We were laying down sipping wine, enjoying ourselves and she started talking about her past.

 

I pretty much just cut her off in the middle of her story, told her that I didn't want to hear it. She asked why, and I told her, her past is her past, and I'd rather not see her in that light.

 

Looking back on it, maybe I did judge her.

 

But to her, she saw it as me not caring about her stories that she wanted to share, and just cutting her off mid sentence telling her it doesn't interest me.

 

You see...in your earlier posts you said that people were judging you. You didn't like it, but you are judging and making assumptions about someone else.

 

A gentleman would have politely listened to her story. You said you wanted women to talk to you and not use you as some kind of trophy. This one did talk to you and then you cut her off....

 

Saying you want one thing, but doing another.

 

Being young and good looking I guess is in a way the same as say, being famous and rich. You are never too sure what people's motivations for being with you are.

 

All I'll say is that I've been with incredibly good looking guys that all the other girls wanted, and what was sweet about the guys was that they seemed to have no awareness of how attractive they are.

 

Self-confidence is one thing, cockiness is a turn off.

 

Keep working out, dressing well, grooming, whatever it is you do to make yourself feel good and look good. But beyond that, just shut up about it. If you don't define yourself by it and place such importance on it, others won't either.

[Jannah]

Self-confidence is one thing, cockiness is a turn off.

 

Exactly.

 

Cockiness is for little boys, self-confidence is for grown men.

[mr.dream merchant]

You see...in your earlier posts you said that people were judging you. You didn't like it, but you are judging and making assumptions about someone else.

 

A gentleman would have politely listened to her story. You said you wanted women to talk to you and not use you as some kind of trophy. This one did talk to you and then you cut her off....

 

Saying you want one thing, but doing another.

 

Being young and good looking I guess is in a way the same as say, being famous and rich. You are never too sure what people's motivations for being with you are.

 

All I'll say is that I've been with incredibly good looking guys that all the other girls wanted, and what was sweet about the guys was that they seemed to have no awareness of how attractive they are.

 

Self-confidence is one thing, cockiness is a turn off.

 

Keep working out, dressing well, grooming, whatever it is you do to make yourself feel good and look good. But beyond that, just shut up about it. If you don't define yourself by it and place such importance on it, others won't either.

 

It's funny that you mentioned this. During our better days, she'd always tell me that she loved how I didn't strut my stuff. She would tell me I'm hot, and I would always shrug & smirk it off, thank her. I didn't show off, instead I kept it pretty humble.

 

Lol, looking back on it...the last day that I saw her..I was in the mirror looking at my abs because at the time was trying to shape them up. I kept calling her over to come look at them but she wouldn't, and told me that I'm a "cocky son of a gun". Another thing I did that last day was accidentally slip up and call her my GF (we were supposed to be taking things slow, not labeling, etc).

 

Those two instances are probably what nailed my coffin shut.

 

 

As far as the judging goes, it's tough...cause even stuff in the recent past can throw red flags for me. Been working on it though, and the past is becoming less and less important.

[paddington bear]

It's funny that you mentioned this. During our better days, she'd always tell me that she loved how I didn't strut my stuff. She would tell me I'm hot, and I would always shrug & smirk it off, thank her. I didn't show off, instead I kept it pretty humble.

 

Lol, looking back on it...the last day that I saw her..I was in the mirror looking at my abs because at the time was trying to shape them up. I kept calling her over to come look at them but she wouldn't, and told me that I'm a "cocky son of a gun". Another thing I did that last day was accidentally slip up and call her my GF (we were supposed to be taking things slow, not labeling, etc).

 

Those two instances are probably what nailed my coffin shut.

 

 

As far as the judging goes, it's tough...cause even stuff in the recent past can throw red flags for me. Been working on it though, and the past is becoming less and less important.

 

I doubt those two things nailed your coffin shut. Things are never so simple. I went out with someone who I had my doubts about for a long time. His own mother (after some bad behaviour on his part) said to me "I don't know what you are doing with him, I really don't" - and that nailed the coffin shut...but in fact it didn't, was just the final shove.

 

We all judge but...sometimes the judgements are wrong. I guess the trick is to get to know someone first, listen to them, try to get a read on them, judge them internally not verbally telling them your judgement of them. And when you have some gauge on their character then decide whether to proceed or not. No promises made, no 'you are not good enough for me' statements made either.

 

I read a book about living in the now (there is the original Power of Now, but for me far too hippy or something). But the message is, yes, learn from past experiences, but at the same time, live in the now, right now.

 

For example, girls have always behaved in a certain way towards you in the past. This raises red flags. You see even a hint of that behaviour now and you get tense and judge them based on others, instead of looking at them in the here and now. What are they like now? Are you bringing your baggage of past experiences onto someone who doesn't warrant being judged in the same way?

 

I guess my point is, yes, note genuine red flags, for sure. But...don't assign someone a red flag when it is not deserved.

[mr.dream merchant]

Well an example of red flags due to her past would be her telling me that she cheated in her past relationships. Or that she used to live in the hood, and be one of the guys, smoke, rap, etc with them.. Those are red flags from her past.

 

Another thing that I'm having an issue with is being one of several men that a woman is seeing. There's another post on here about a woman who has a FWB but is talking about casually dating another, and feels that since she's casually dating, doesn't need to inform the man she's casually dating that she's seeing other men.

 

I just don't get down like that. To me, that's being played for a sucker and an excuse for a woman to run game on a guy.

 

Those are my main issues. Recent past behavior kicking up red flags, and women who see more than one man at a time (and are physically involved with one or more of them).

[Jannah]

I just don't get down like that. To me, that's being played for a sucker and an excuse for a woman to run game on a guy.

 

Oh, but you do....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t242760/

[mr.dream merchant]

Oh, but you do....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t242760/

 

Not quite Jannah. By not getting down like that, I meant not being an option to a woman who's playing the field.

[paddington bear]

Well an example of red flags due to her past would be her telling me that she cheated in her past relationships. Or that she used to live in the hood, and be one of the guys, smoke, rap, etc with them.. Those are red flags from her past.

 

Another thing that I'm having an issue with is being one of several men that a woman is seeing.

 

Those are my main issues. Recent past behavior kicking up red flags, and women who see more than one man at a time (and are physically involved with one or more of them).

 

okay then, genuine red flags...I guess the thing you've got to figure out is how to weed out red flag girls before you start dating them. I guess no one is going to reveal on a first date 'yeah I've cheated in past relationships', things like that take a while to find out, so that is pretty tricky. And if you say 'I don't want to date someone who does x, y and z...' then they will just lie to you about their past and you'll find out later their character and feel played.

 

Try picking up on subtle signals when you first meet people, sometimes little comments, or attitudes on first meeting will raise little alarm bells because they are oh so familiar...and you know to back off. This really works. And it works both ways, with the good things and the bad. You can also ask what you want to find out flirtatiously "so are you the kind of girl who..." because you are smiling and relaxed, you may find her feeling safe enough to reveal some red flag stuff before you get in any way involved.

 

But again...if you go looking for red flags, you're going to find it. Sometimes the more you concentrate on NOT doing something the more you draw it towards you.

 

Gut instinct, start using it, or practicing using it. It is rarely wrong.

 

Regarding the women seeing more than one guy at a time. Just be straight up and say that you don't like the idea of someone you are dating, seeing other people at the same time. She has the choice to agree to this, to tell you to eff off, or to lie to you and pretend she won't but then does.

[Jannah]

Not quite Jannah. By not getting down like that, I meant not being an option to a woman who's playing the field.

 

If I recall from another thread of yours, you were dating a woman who didn't "play the field", and you dumped her...

 

Honestly, you're young and right now you're going through the motions, so try to enjoy it while staying true to yourself and to others.

 

It's all any of us can do.

[mr.dream merchant]

okay then, genuine red flags...I guess the thing you've got to figure out is how to weed out red flag girls before you start dating them. I guess no one is going to reveal on a first date 'yeah I've cheated in past relationships', things like that take a while to find out, so that is pretty tricky. And if you say 'I don't want to date someone who does x, y and z...' then they will just lie to you about their past and you'll find out later their character and feel played.

 

Try picking up on subtle signals when you first meet people, sometimes little comments, or attitudes on first meeting will raise little alarm bells because they are oh so familiar...and you know to back off. This really works. And it works both ways, with the good things and the bad. You can also ask what you want to find out flirtatiously "so are you the kind of girl who..." because you are smiling and relaxed, you may find her feeling safe enough to reveal some red flag stuff before you get in any way involved.

 

But again...if you go looking for red flags, you're going to find it. Sometimes the more you concentrate on NOT doing something the more you draw it towards you.

 

Gut instinct, start using it, or practicing using it. It is rarely wrong.

 

Regarding the women seeing more than one guy at a time. Just be straight up and say that you don't like the idea of someone you are dating, seeing other people at the same time. She has the choice to agree to this, to tell you to eff off, or to lie to you and pretend she won't but then does.

 

You're so right lol...the one thing I did wrong with this last woman was ignore the red flags...and just tell myself that if I keep it cool, maybe things will work out. Could list all the red flags but there's no point, her and I aren't involved anymore. I think she just sold me what I wanted to hear/see in order to get what she wanted out of me which was fun and sex. She just went about it in a certain so she wouldn't seem trashy about it. But the red flags were there, from the beginning and became reality in the end.

[paddington bear]

Oh I constantly ignore red flags! You think I would have learned by now. But I'm getting better. You know the phrase 'hope triumphs over experience' ?

 

We all hope that despite some (perhaps minor) warning bells that you will be proved wrong. Later you look back and realise all the signs were there and that you just ignored them.

[Woggle]

It's so funny that you condemned that girl for coming from the hood when the very first thing my friend said upon seeing your picture was, "Broke and Ghetto, obviously."

 

Well, actually that was the 2nd thing she said. The first thing she said was, "Dear God, Sarah. You're not thinking about slumming it with him, are you?"

 

Face it, son. You are exactly the kind of a guy a chick from the ghetto would chat up. In my circle, the only way you could get a girl to talk to you would be to stand on the street corner holding a cup. Then a few of us might say, "Stay warm" right after we drop a dollar in.

 

What exactly makes him broke and ghetto? Is it his skin color or something else because in one of the pictures with his shirt off it looks like he has a nice pool or backyard behind him. He just looks like your average young guy having fun to me.

 

I grew up on the streets for the most part and there were times in my life I was on the verge of being homeless but I realized my potential and pulled myself up. I don't judge any woman for the circumstances she was born into but there are some people who want to stay stuck in the mud and have no desire whatsoever to better themselves. To be honest there are many suburban girls who are infatuated with the worst elements of the ghetto and they are just as bad as people who come from that world.

[AverageJoe]

You really dont even have to mention the word ghetto. "Broke" was also mentioned. Sounds like your friend is a hood rat herself, Sarah. Maybe even you if you agree with that.

 

 

There we have it fella's, once again. If you dont have bank, you are secondary.

As much as I dont like it, it is true.

[TaurusTerp]

What exactly makes him broke and ghetto? Is it his skin color or something else because in one of the pictures with his shirt off it looks like he has a nice pool or backyard behind him. He just looks like your average young guy having fun to me.

 

I grew up on the streets for the most part and there were times in my life I was on the verge of being homeless but I realized my potential and pulled myself up. I don't judge any woman for the circumstances she was born into but there are some people who want to stay stuck in the mud and have no desire whatsoever to better themselves. To be honest there are many suburban girls who are infatuated with the worst elements of the ghetto and they are just as bad as people who come from that world.

 

Probably the plain white tee, black wife beater, sagged jeans? Nothing wrong with that, I'd say he's a good lookin dude but you can see where someone would make a snap judgment of ghetto.

[AverageJoe]

For the record, she's a microbiologist. Beautiful, too.

 

Go on.....

[AverageJoe]

A little on the judgemental side, as you noticed

 

I'm a scientist also, but nowhere near as pretty.

 

I have money, I am not concerned with the judgmental part. The judgmental part comes when (as a man) you dont have money. I think we can all agree on that. Sadly.

 

Pics, or it didnt happen.

[AverageJoe]

Well, if it helps any, women are judged strictly by their beauty. And lucky for you, money spends the same at any age.

 

And no way am I giving you a pic of my friend! She would kill me and rightfully so.

 

So we do agree?

 

BTW - Luck had nothing to do with it.

Edited December 27, 2010 by AverageJoe

[AverageJoe]

I actually agree with you a good majority of the time, Aj.

 

Stop flirting with me. People will talk.

 

Carry on.

[Woggle]

Probably the plain white tee, black wife beater, sagged jeans? Nothing wrong with that, I'd say he's a good lookin dude but you can see where someone would make a snap judgment of ghetto.

 

He just looks like a regular guy his age to me.

[mr.dream merchant]

It's cool, I know what I'm not. :cool:

[mr.dream merchant]

What exactly makes him broke and ghetto? Is it his skin color or something else because in one of the pictures with his shirt off it looks like he has a nice pool or backyard behind him. He just looks like your average young guy having fun to me.

 

I grew up on the streets for the most part and there were times in my life I was on the verge of being homeless but I realized my potential and pulled myself up. I don't judge any woman for the circumstances she was born into but there are some people who want to stay stuck in the mud and have no desire whatsoever to better themselves. To be honest there are many suburban girls who are infatuated with the worst elements of the ghetto and they are just as bad as people who come from that world.

 

This, right here, is why I tend to stray away from certain girls from the hood. Because they don't want to better themselves, instead, they embrace the hood culture. With the last woman, I could hear it in her voice, when she talked. She didn't quite put that hood life down yet..and I knew it'd be an issue if brought up...and it was..getting good at calling it before it happens with women.

[zengirl]

You see...in your earlier posts you said that people were judging you. You didn't like it, but you are judging and making assumptions about someone else.

 

A gentleman would have politely listened to her story. You said you wanted women to talk to you and not use you as some kind of trophy. This one did talk to you and then you cut her off....

 

Saying you want one thing, but doing another.

 

This is how I feel about the OP. It's why he attracts what he attracts, I'm sure of it.

 

He just looks like a regular guy his age to me.

 

Eh, I think Sarah was a bit mean, but I'm not sure I'd go that far. There are different styles, and the OP definitely has a more street style. Nothing wrong with that, and I can tell he's more the college guy in those clothes. But it is a specific style and I can see two scientists not digging it. I tend to date really smart guys who have a style that is more preppy and clean-cut, even did when I was his age. I see plenty of guys who look less street than he---and nothing to do with skin color, etc; more style choices. As someone said way above, he looks totally Jersey Shore to me. Kind of the male version of the attention whore women in their low cut shirts he so complains about.