What happens now?

[mikeey]

Here's the situation...I went out with my now ex-girlfriend for 4 years. About 1.5 years ago, she became involved in a long distance relationship with a guy in Chicago (we live in Vancouver, Canada). I only became aware of this some four months ago. When I confronted her with this, she admitted it, and offered to remain "friends". I declined but we did become "friends" I guess over the course of the last four months. The last four months have not been sexual at all (well...two episodes were sexual I guess but they didn't lead to sex) At some point, hearing about her traveling there to meet him.....and him coming here to be with her...meeting her parents/friends was just too much to bear...listening to the same bull**** "I'm so happy...I see a bright future there (even though she wants to remain friends with me and doesn't tell her current boyfriend that she is hanging out with her ex). About one month ago, I told her that I could no longer remain in this platonic "friends" state and let her know that I wanted to move forward. Surprisingly, she agreed to "baby steps"...and "starting all over"...but in the end...during the last three weeks or so, I realized that this was nothing more than empty promises....more lies I guess. Last week, I kept pestering her about making steps and moving forward together....Eventually she let me know that she never agreed to anything with regards to moving forward but only agreed to "hanging out more"...(which is a lie, but whatever). The next day she sent me a "goodbye email" stating that her and I didn't have the same goals ...she repeated her mantra "I"m happy where I am, and I see a bright future there"....she wished me much happiness in life....told me that she cared for me....and added that she hoped that I would not hate her in the future....and then, in her words, she "released me".

 

I'm on day four of "no contact". This is the longest stretch of time we haven't spoken to each other in the last 6 years.

 

Will I hear from her again? I refuse to buckle and initiate contact because I'd just be entering that dark world which I just recently left.

 

Why did she want to maintain a friendship with me if everything was so great over there?

 

What's up with the turnaround in terms of her feelings at the end?

 

I welcome all well intentioned and objective thoughts. Thanks very much.

[Movingthrough]

Well I was in a situation that was kind of like yours, she broke it off, I was gone for months for work, I came back and we started talking again. The whole baby steps and going slow was what she told me, she was dating a guy at the time and downplayed the whole thing. The funny thing is she actually did initiate a lot of contact with me always made it known that she still had a thing for me. But it was the typical I'm not giving up something good right in front of my face for you that "may" work out. So it went on and on.

 

I basically sat down one day and said what do I want? Am I honestly happy right now? Well I wasnt, and I knew I could meet up with her and probably "win" her back, but I would be meeting up with her while she had a bf, thats not a great situation. So I wrote her an email that was very mature, sometimes I regret it because I feel like it was almost too nice but there was no need to poke at her. She basically responded with a "you just want everything to instantly go back to normal" thing and that was it. Been NC for weeks now.

 

Point I'm getting at is, you are not happy with just being her pal, just like I wasnt, so you have to sit down and basically say well this isnt what I want and go NC. I know what you mean by "what now?", I feel like that every now and then too, my ex is with a new guy making trips, talking about future plans etc. But like most will tell you on these forums, if they go from one relationship right to the other and move so fast, its probably not going to work out and they have issues you dont want to deal with. There is also the flip side of them coming back, I feel like every NC story I read on here the dumper seems to always come back poking around at some point, I know its hard to believe but its actually amazing to me that is works out like that.

 

Anyway man, Im still going through mine but just try to think that this isnt what you want. Also she is going to want you to respond, I wouldnt, that will help more then anything, dont do what we all did and write write write to them, let it go.

[mikeey]

Thanks very much for your encouragement and for sharing your thoughts/experiences. And you're probably right...she's probably not the girl for me...but there is a lot of guilt and "what if" that I carry around which continues to irk me to no end....

 

To cut a long story short, I'm 35 and she's now 26. When I first met this girl, she was 20....wide eyed and bushy tailed. I molded her in many ways into the person that I like...and now someone else is enjoying the fruits of my labor....as weird as that might sound, it's the way that I feel. Moreover, I feel guilty that I pushed her away....I was not the ideal boyfriend....I never met her parents despite her repeated requests....I also never immersed myself in the lives of her friends (due to the large age gap)....basically, I dropped the ball....and even though it by no means gives her liscence to cheat on me and repeatedly lie to me for over 1.5 years....I feel like we could have gone places had I been even just a little better of a boyfriend....alas, I will probably never know. Unless she comes knocking one day that is....and gives "us" another chance....but that will have to be a conscious decision which she makes....I've come to accept that attempting to persuade a person who feels something for someone else is a futile exercise.

 

Your NC is an inspiration to me. Keep it up buddy, and I'll try to do the same.

[mikeey]

Yes, there's probably a lot of truth in what you say. Nevertheless, she was perfectly content in having me as a platonic "friend" in Vancouver while she had a boyfriend in Chicago whom she saw monthly or every couple of months. And remember, the boyfriend has no idea a. that in essence she was sleeping with the both of us for probably upwards to a year...and b. that she was "friends" with me for the last four months. She only "let me go" when I firmly told her, either we make progress together, or nothing. Thanks for your thoughts.

[mikeey]

I could use a female perspective on this one...if you happen to be female and reading this, please share your thoughts....thanks.

[fiat500]

Here's the situation...I went out with my now ex-girlfriend for 4 years. About 1.5 years ago, she became involved in a long distance relationship with a guy in Chicago (we live in Vancouver, Canada). I only became aware of this some four months ago. When I confronted her with this, she admitted it, and offered to remain "friends". I declined but we did become "friends" I guess over the course of the last four months. The last four months have not been sexual at all (well...two episodes were sexual I guess but they didn't lead to sex) At some point, hearing about her traveling there to meet him.....and him coming here to be with her...meeting her parents/friends was just too much to bear...listening to the same bull**** "I'm so happy...I see a bright future there (even though she wants to remain friends with me and doesn't tell her current boyfriend that she is hanging out with her ex). About one month ago, I told her that I could no longer remain in this platonic "friends" state and let her know that I wanted to move forward. Surprisingly, she agreed to "baby steps"...and "starting all over"...but in the end...during the last three weeks or so, I realized that this was nothing more than empty promises....more lies I guess. Last week, I kept pestering her about making steps and moving forward together....Eventually she let me know that she never agreed to anything with regards to moving forward but only agreed to "hanging out more"...(which is a lie, but whatever). The next day she sent me a "goodbye email" stating that her and I didn't have the same goals ...she repeated her mantra "I"m happy where I am, and I see a bright future there"....she wished me much happiness in life....told me that she cared for me....and added that she hoped that I would not hate her in the future....and then, in her words, she "released me".

 

I'm on day four of "no contact". This is the longest stretch of time we haven't spoken to each other in the last 6 years.

 

Will I hear from her again? I refuse to buckle and initiate contact because I'd just be entering that dark world which I just recently left.

 

Why did she want to maintain a friendship with me if everything was so great over there?

 

What's up with the turnaround in terms of her feelings at the end?

 

I welcome all well intentioned and objective thoughts. Thanks very much.

 

Seems like she only wanted to be friends to ease her guilt. You won't hear from her again unless you contact her somewhere down the line, but why would you? You said you were together for 4 years and she was with another man for some of it? What the hell? She wouldn't have told you about the other guy if you hadn't confronted her about it. She checked out of your relationship and showed no regard for you. Of course in relationships forgiveness is an important quality, but what she did was something more serious than a breach of trust. She DATED another guy while she was supposed to be with YOU. At least that's what I'm getting from your post.. And didn't mention it. And she didn't seem to show any REMORSE. That's a little more devastating than the occasional white lie or omittance of a minor fact.

 

She agreed with your "baby steps" to keep you happy and from hating her. She doesn't want you to hate her as she stated. She had no intention of fixing things with you since she's "happy where she is" with all her mantra BS. If you're happy, you don't have to state the fact. When she couldn't have her cake and everything she bailed. She sounds like a kid.

[mikeey]

Thanks for your thoughts Fiat. Yes, I would agree that she sounds like a kid....I guess in fact she is quite an immature 26 year old. I think that she's confused about where this is all going.....she's mommy and daddy's little princess who is very tight with her family, relatives and friends in Vancouver and she knows that to make this long distance thing work, she'll have to move to Chicago.....I've raised this point with her and she dismisses it by saying "Well...others have done it". But then again, it could be the petty fool in me who is totally reading this wrong and just selfishly wants her world to crumble....since mine did.

 

You make a very good point with the mantra thing...."I'm happy where I am and I see a bright future there"....she must have told me that about 20 times over the last four months. I see your logic in noting that if you're truly happy, there's no need to state the fact.

 

But here is a question for you.....I've been on the receiving end of other failed relationships (I've been dumped before)....the other times the departing parties have said what they had to say, wished me good luck and that was it......No offer of "friends" or "let's hang out here and there".....and I never heard from them again...well...not for years. So......my hunch is that when the other party wants to remain friends with you and they are involved in another relationship, doesn't that seem strange? Especially when they're hiding the fact that they're "friends" with their exes and hiding that fact from their current partners? If I was happy in a relationship, there would be no way that I would be even thinking of my exes or anyone else for that matter.

 

To me, at least in my own situation, the fact that she wanted to maintain a "friendship" despite the fact that she is apparently "happily" involved in another relationship is indicative of at least something not being right if not perhaps even wrong on the other end......would you agree or is this again...sour grapes on my part?

[fiat500]

I agree. The offer of friendship right away seems immature. It's something you offer if you never really had a deep relationship or when you're younger. It's something to ease the dumper's guilt. I think when they do not offer this option it shows that at least they know the end hurt for you.

 

I wouldn't read too much into your ex's actions. She's already proven that she's a liar so keeping something like contacting you from her new boyfriend is already a great sign . She just doesn't know any better.

 

This is actually the first instance for me where an ex did not offer the "friendship" line. Did your exes contact you first after not hearing from them for years?

[mikeey]

Yes they did. All of them. When their relationships broke up or went sour they all called. The weird thing is that (much like now) I wished to see their worlds crumble....but when they did, I didn't take any satisfaction in learning this. The mind is such a weird thing sometimes...

[delajoonal]

mikeey...

 

ok, so here is what i think...

 

being that she was only 20 y/o when the R started..and like u said, u molded her into the woman that suited u, etc.

 

maybe at 26 or so now, she is coming into her 'own' womanhood, if u will?

 

as well as, staying friends with you, is keeping u, her rock, so to speak, still at arms length....and as a friend, she can come to u with anything..u know what i mean?

 

so, i kinda get because she is so young and trying to find her own way, her own 'self'...but at the same time, she does not want to lose u..

 

i am afraid to say this...but i think the 'in love' stage with her for you, is long gone...i think she does prolly love u, very much...but NOT that way anymore...prolly more like a brother or best friend.

 

this is from me, a woman, i am 45 now, but i was once 20 and 25, and well, i can tell u, i kinda did the same thing...many times in my 20's...i just didn't really know who i was, u know?

 

gosh, i sure hope this made sense...?

 

anyway, if u want to keep her in your life, period, be ready for just 'friends' than...

 

or u prolly will have to move forward now...i am so sorry...i hope i am wrong..but i am just saying from a woman's point of view, like u asked, that has been there and done that...

 

having said that, u sound like a really articulate, kind and understaning man;...patient comes to mind as well.

and u r so young...u will have no problem meeting a new woman OR women...

keep doing the NC...

i was doing so well, over 2 wks no NC, and he emailed me and i blew it and replied...

and this morning i thought, crap! i was feeling so much better...hard to explain...but i could tell something had changed since NC and was coming back to 'myself'..u know?

anyway...so, it is what it is...life is all about starting overs...right?

 

well, keep posting, i am cheering u on with the NC and hoping u find some happiness too...

 

take care...

[mikeey]

Thanks sweetie....for the thoughtful response. I have come to terms with the realization that her heart and mind are invested somewhere else....and that nothing I say or do can change that currently.....BUT at the same time, I refuse to allow her to have her cake and eat it too....In my humble opinion, the rock as you point out, in your life....your best friend... should be the one you spend your time with. Consequently, if that's true, she will come back.....and if not....then either I never was that person or conversely, she found a better individual to fit her needs as an individual. My gut feeling is that she is drawn to the adventure of being involved in a LD relationship...and that it will eventually wear off, leaving her thinking (and without her rock to lean on). I didn't get into details about our relationship above but I screwed things up initially by not being a very good boyfriend.....i.e., I refused to meet her parents...I refused to hang out with her friends.....BUT at the same time, that gives her no license to cheat on me and live a lie for such a long time. In the end, our relationship never was broken due to some true relational calamity....we enjoyed each other's company...we enjoyed being physical etc. etc. etc......that's as bad as it got....it just never progressed to where she wanted it to be and she strayed. Nevertheless, I will remain committed to observing the dictates of NC and I will not be putting my life on hold waiting for hers to crumble. It and when that happens, I'm prepared to talk, that's it.

 

Thanks again for your insightful help.