rj2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Hi All, This is long, sorry - but my son is at stake and I need your help, advice...... My wife and I have been married 8 years, and we have a 4-year old son. We have been having financial problems, and I had trouble finding work, and over time, my wife became more and more distant. A few months back, I got the, "I love you, but am not in love with you" speech. Since then, she has made some new, "friends", of which she has been open about. However, after my sixth sense was raised, I began to pry, and then her Blackberry got password protected, and I caught her calling the guy one night from downstairs. From what I understood from mails that I saw, he was not really into her, but more so as support since he is a 3x divorcee and fed up with women and they were helping each other. I saw a mail from him telling her to make things work with me and not to give up on our relationship, so I was glad, but upon my prying, she told me she likes him...a lot. She said she sees a lot of me in him, but without the financial struggles, pending home loss, etc. Anyway, that night I caught her on the phone, she called him since she heard he was just out of the hospital. When I caught her, I accused her of being a sneak and a liar, and I called him in front of her. He told me what I expected from what I read, that she coaches him through his stuff and says he has been helpful. OK, I have no proof of B.S going on, but she said it's a one-way street, where she really likes him, but he has "0" interest in her, and she thinks that's part of the enticement. OK, my predicament is that we were contemplating a Legal Separation before this, and yes, I do care about her, but a lot is at stake, since my little boy idolizes his Daddy, and it will tear both him and I apart to be living apart....so can I bust her? Can I file divorce papers for infidelity? Right now, her income trumps mine by a lot, but is this an emotional affair? Is it infidelity? More details: My son has his granparents and aunt/uncle here in New York, and they are all my immediate family, and her family doesn't live anywhere close. Wouldn't it be beneficial for him to be with his Dad? Some help...any help...please !! Signed, Sad Daddy in Pain
delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 rj2010... sorry about your predicament. im not really in a place to give advice...but i wanted to say how very sorry i am for u..i have been in your shoes..finding the cell calls, etc. and talking to the OW, etc. here in California, they have a No Fault law, meaning, neither party can use infidelity in the divorce hearing...not sure about New York Laws? maybe do some homework...go to your local court house, they always have free seminars, classes on DIY D's...and legal people to discuss your situation with and get advice etc. good luck and please keep posting...i sure do hope it all works out for u...either staying with your W and going to MC or being it just getting custody of your son...i can't imagine that pain, so to that i am also very sorry... take care and keep us posted ok;)
Author rj2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Thanks for your kind words. Even though there has been no physical contact, it still hurts. She betrayed my son as well....cheating him out of Daddy being there every day. Yes, I hope to report good news.....
Too Much Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Thanks for your kind words. Even though there has been no physical contact, it still hurts. She betrayed my son as well....cheating him out of Daddy being there every day. Yes, I hope to report good news..... It is still cheating. The point is that her HEART is elsewhere. Doesn't matter if there was no physical relationship. Once the heart is gone, the marital coundation is split. You will never look at her the same way because trust has been shatterred.
Steadfast Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) Few judges these days will press infidelity. The only time real changes are made to visitation schedules is if the court finds reason to believe the parent is not fit. Otherwise, come to an agreement on gaining as much visitation as you can or go full monty and file for full custody. Make a point to both the court and your wife that you have no intention of lying down and giving your son up. They (the court) may not respect that, but they are forced to acknowledge it. If your wife is openly admitting attraction for another man, let her go and (except for the child/finances) sever all contact/communication. Do not talk about the relationship or your feelings. Regard her as gone and move on with your life. Don't waste time. Edited December 22, 2010 by Steadfast
What_Next Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I can empathize with you for sure. My advice, research the 180 and follow it. Show your wife exactly what she will be missing if she continues down this road. This appears to be a EA (emotional affair) and it WILL eventually turn into a PA (physical affair). There is little you can do to stop it as such. You can only control your own behavior. Using a 180 style approach is about your only hope right now. Also you had mentioned financial issues and trouble finding work. Has that been resolved? If not, get that taken care of NOW.
Author rj2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Yes - JUST got a job offer yesterday starting in after NY Day !!! Also - just met a lady when I was out and about....just practiced getting her number and it worked first shot...!! Felt good.....doing something FOR ME felt good !!! Thanks for your support
debtman Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Congrats on the job! That will certainly help. Sorry for the situation. Sounds familiar although my wife started the EA, within 2 weeks told me our marriage was over and it had nothing to do with the OM. I moved out 2 weeks later and within 3 weeks, they were sleeping together and are now planning to buy a house together...even though he's still married (separated). I'm in NY as well as, and the affair won't have any affect on custody, so, you're better off letting it go and doing what YOU can do for the relationship, if you decide that's what you want. The best thing you can do if you want it to work is to work on making yourself happy, staying positive and learning from any mistakes that YOU made in the relationship to prevent a re-occurrence. The hardest thing about divorcing/separating is missing time with the kids, which kills me, but, on the plus side, the time I do get is ALL about us and we can do whatever we want. Also, they now have the chance to hang out with me without anyone being stressed... Good luck...
Author rj2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Thanks...that helps... Right now, we cannot put the $$ together to file a separation....so it kills me the communication while we are still under the same roof... biting my tongue since better days ahead... I am also turning 40 next year and am curious to have a little fun......I've been doing a lot different of late, not planning to...but changing clothes style, hair, etc......perhaps this stress brought on a mid-life crisis for me? WOW...could be as I type this I realized this
Author rj2010 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 I have access to the WIFE of the guy talking to my wife (the wife he is supposedly very in love with, per my wife)....should I befriend her on Facebook to give her a heads up? It's a golden opportunity....but I need to think this out... Thoughts???
hopesndreams Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 just met a lady when I was out and about....just practiced getting her number and it worked first shot...!! Felt good.....doing something FOR ME felt good !!! but changing clothes style, hair, etc......perhaps this stress brought on a mid-life crisis for me? This is all part of trying to re-build a shattered self-esteem. Just be careful that you are not making these changes just for validation from others. Do it for YOU. I have access to the WIFE of the guy talking to my wife (the wife he is supposedly very in love with, per my wife)....should I befriend her on Facebook to give her a heads up? It's a golden opportunity....but I need to think this out... To befriend the OM's W on FB and informing her of what her H has been up to, with YOUR W, will take nerves of steel. All kinds of possible case scenarios can result from this BUT no matter what happens, it is the RIGHT thing to do. A's thrive in secrecy.
Author rj2010 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Some Say it's not.....to focus on positive karma things...?
hopesndreams Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Some Say it's not.....to focus on positive karma things...? You think informing his W will bring about bad karma?
Recommended Posts