Number 5 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 OK, so up until September I was with my first and only girlfriend of 9 years. We met during my last year of high school and shortly started dating. Dated through college, and after graduation we moved in together. We lived together for 4 years and in August I decided to break it off and meet a girl who is a friend of a friend. I wasn't aware of the emotional suicide that hoping from one person to another was, so I asked my ex to leave the apartment and started seeing the new girl days later. Even after breaking up with my ex and seeing someone new I still had feelings of missing my ex and was really ashamed of basically kicking her out. I wasn't aware of a No Contact rule and apparently she could not help it so we continued talking. For the first few weeks she was willing to work it out, and I wasn't interested. We texted with less frequency after that but continued, and at some point I decided that I wanted her back, but I didn't break it off with the new girl. I just could not let go of this new girl, and basically after telling my ex that I wanted back I basically couldn't get myself to actually go back. I struggled with this for a few more weeks until I realized it was way too hurtful for her and I decided to just back off since I wasn't doing any good. She started meeting people and eventually met some guy who is apparently great for her. They dated for a bit, and during that time she and I started talking again, more as friends than anything else. We talked about stuff, not us or our relationship. It was hard to do because I felt like I had to let her go, but at the same time she seemed better and happy with herself so that actually helped me. This is where we were able to openly talk about all the things that went wrong in our relationship, and after a couple of these conversations I (we?) realized that almost all our problems were due to lack of communication. I also realize that I wasn't taking our relationship seriously, we were together for a long time because it was convenient. Not that anyone was using anyone, but we were comfortable with each other. So during one of these conversations I asked the question that has basically put in motion a lot of what happened afterwards, "do you think we could work it out?" At this time we were both seeing someone. Shortly after that she breaks it off with her guy. She likes him, and can see herself with him, but it seems she was willing to stay open to the possibility of us. A week or so I broke it off with my new girl and decided to let my ex know right away. Perhaps I should have waited. She has healed from all the bull**** she's gotten from me and my back and forth in the past months and we are talking again. We've been meeting up here and there trying to start things up again. My issue is basically that I'm not sure I'm so attracted to her anymore. The new girl has something to do with that since she's beautiful, it's a big difference. Not that my ex isn't beautiful, but I never saw her as a sexual being or had that desire for her. We did have sex, but it was probably some kind of bare minimum. Yet I'm really scared that I'm being extremely immature. I'm not a person who likes to date around, and I know that it's hard to find someone. My ex has very good qualities to her, she's a kind person, very mature, very responsible (she far exceeds me in these qualities). She's practical and enjoys simple living, things that I like too. After all this you might be wondering why I left in the first place: five years after graduating from college she had not she had not started her career, gained a lot of weight, and didn't do much at home; I basically started to think of her as a loser, but I stayed in the relationship. For a while I felt that there was a limit to the things I "would do for her" and for a while I felt like I knew I would cheat on her, even though "I'm not that kind of guy." I never really thought I would act on those thoughts though. I've been making mental efforts to see all the good in my ex. However, I'm having some difficulty in really doing things to show love for her. I feel like I don't want to take that step only to let her know that I might not want to continue things. On the other hand I don't want to be dating around. I want to settle down soon and I know that I could do that with her and "start life." I'm a little scared that it will be a life of settling and possible unhappiness for the both of us. I'm also scared of letting her go and not find her good qualities in someone else. This has been going on for so long and I'm sick of not knowing what to do.
lovebird72 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I think you actually do know what to do. You just don't want to have to take that big scary step into the unknown. Do not settle for less than what you truly want. You are doing yourself and your lovely ex a massive disservice. Do not, out of cowardice, sacrifice your chance at finding a woman that has everything you are looking for. Do not, out of cowardice, ruin her chance to find a man that will unabashedly love her.
rhonian Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 5, your situation sounds so much like mine. I dated a wonderful girl for 2 years that to this day was the nicest/sweetest girl I think to ever walk the planet, however, I wasnt attracted to her physically and that wouldnt allow me to get too close to her. Her personality was out of this world. My family absolutely adored her but for some reason I knew that I didnt truly love her nor could I marry her. Then, a HOT girl from my past (high school) came into the picture and we had dinner. At the time I was living with my g/f. After this dinner, the very next weekend I moved out and started my new relationship with the girl from high school. We lasted just over 2 years and then I just got tired of the BS and walked out of the relationship. I would always say to myself, If I had g/f #1s personality and g/f #2s looks then Id have the perfect woman.
Author Number 5 Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 It seems like a matter of risk aversion and desire for stability in life. The thought that I've been working on lately is that I could grow to love her more as time goes on. She has many of the qualities that I'm looking for and she still shows love for me. I care deeply for her and I feel that I always have, but I don't remember feeling a romantic love for her. I thought it was that I just wasn't such a romantic person, but I sure found out that that wasn't the case when I met someone new. Definitely had that romantic obsession going which is something I didn't feel when I met my first gf. Now that I know I can feel those things I'm looking to feel those feelings towards her, but they are not there. Looking back it looks a lot like brotherly love with sex, which I know sounds extremely strange, but we have always gotten along so well. I don't want our history together to have been a waste. Something I like is that she thinks I'm so special, but on the other hand it's very strange to not feel that way in return. I'm honestly feeling like a confused child.
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