Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 This has been on my mind lately.... What is love romantically? How do you know you're in love? I am in a relationship currently and all I know is that when I'm around him I feel calm and content. When we met we had both been through a world war and through each other are learning how to love. Sounds trite but....we had to let go of previous baggage in order to get to where we are now.... For the first part of our relationship I was obsessed on feeling all the bells and whistles and the birds and puppy dogs and such. I would compare myself to another friends' relationship who says stuff like, "He makes me so happy. I can imagine marrying him." She's been dating her dude for the same time I have (three months). She told me she has butterflies being around him. Well with my guy there's just always been this calm buzzing feeling. A feeling of security and peace. So I guess what I'm learning is that "love" and "in love" is different for everyone and might depend on their past. What do you think love is? Being in love?
carhill Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Love is action and behavior. 'In love' is feeling. Hence you will often see (and read about on LS) a wife who 'loves' her husband in word and behavior even though she no longer feels 'in love' with him. For myself, 'in-love' is an emotional impetus to become as close as I possibly can be to a person, in my case, being hetero, a woman. Sexuality allows complete and total expression of 'in-love' hindered by no condition absent those enacted by the people involved. It's been a great way to stay single, as the potentials in this regard have had a markedly different perspective on the dynamics of love and in-love. It is what it is
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 I always love what you have to say Carhill. Well put.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Small group at church. He was there and I was there to find something more meaningful, not necessarily each other:) We started hanging out and never stopped really. Just flowed naturally.
carhill Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 When I was 'in love', I felt a part of myself was missing when my partner and I were separated. When we were together, I felt immense calm. This is juxtaposed with my natural proclivity to be comfortable alone. As I'm not in love now, I feel no such 'missing' component in my life, rather calm alone. YMMV
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 That's exactly how I feel:) Nice!!
Feelin Frisky Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Being in love is the greatest natural feeling there is. And who doesn't want to be in love? But.................................................... .......but "being in love" as opposed to "loving somebody" is very different and sometimes.......bad.............yes...........bad......I regret to say. The "being in love" thing can be about having really deep and wonderfully over-powering feelings for what someone represents to you, or, for who you think they are. But those feelings fall by the wayside often when people start to see that the other person is not what they thought, does not exactly fulfill what we thought they represented. "Loving" someone on the other hand, is a statement of knowing who someone is and intensely bonding with them and caring for and about them in spite of the warts and flaws. I'm not saying humbug on the idea of being "in love" at all. I love that feeling of surrendering to the power of someone else's presence in my life and hope to feel that way again and again. But we need to get real and expect that our idols can't be all we dream of--we can't dream it all, we tend to only dream the good stuff. What the OP seems to be experiencing is bonding, connection and personal affection which adds up to love. I don't know about "falling in love" after you already are intimate and actually love someone. To get that "falling in love" feeling, I have always experienced it when the realization of it was out of reach. I would want and not get and live in the romance of hoping, wanting, dreaming. And sometimes that's even more compelling than "having". Good luck.
carhill Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I've experienced elemental connections on my side both ways, unrequited and requited, and found the *feelings* to be very similar. The actions and reactions, quite different, necessarily due to the dynamics. Alas, perhaps too many examples from a broken people picker to really give up meaningful data on mutual dynamics, so I'll have to concede it to be a predominantly one-sided perspective. IOW, I really don't know or am not aware of any woman who has been 'in love' with me, even the one I married. Reflection is a powerful tool, as is acceptance. I'm happy for the capacity to do both, love and reflect/accept.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 So Frisky, are you saying that "in love" is more a dream that may or may not be realized? And loving someone is more tangible? I think it's easy to get the two confused from time to time.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 So Frisky, are you saying that "in love" is more a dream that may or may not be realized? And loving someone is more tangible? I think it's easy to get the two confused from time to time. Yeah. It's hard to express it to make that distinction without people running to the defense of the "in love" concept because someone is toying with the eternal dream. But I'm not toying with it or downing it. I love it myself. And when it's happening I don't want anyone analyzing it either--it's something that just takes you over and feels sooooooo good ya just want to surrender to it. But as you got it, it is a fragile thing based upon illusion and desire. Real love however is based upon real respect and earned trust. It's nowhere near as fragile. It may not be as "romantic" in the sense that romanticism involves the drama of desire, struggle, uncertainty, chaos and when best, total fulfillment with violins, woodwinds and brass. But it is in hand and not in the bush as the adage goes. It's real--warts and all. You seem to have one in hand. That's a good thing.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 You're an awesome writer! Love it. Anyhoo, I would say at first with my dude and I there were those "Oh my God this is awesome and let's be glued at the hip" and some moments of the goo goo ga ga, but as we've been together it's progressed to something a little more concrete and realistic. I sometimes think that a person's past can affect their present relationship; he was in a hellacious 10 year marriage and I have had really bad experiences with men. So on my end, I never really felt too many of the bells and whistles because I have been burned so many times before. I mean I would occasionally let myself go there, but the thing I love the most about our relationship is the fact that he accepts me for me and I accept him for him, flaws and all. Never had that before. I think everyone's experience is different.
Jannah Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 In a nutshell: Love = care & affection In Love = passion
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Jannah: when you talk about passion, are your referring to explosive passion and fireworks and such, or slow steady burning passion that progresses over time?
Enchanted Girl Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I don't know if this will answer your question, but this is how I view it. I actually view loving someone as less intense than being in love with them. I was in love with my first boyfriend. We broke-up this year right when we had been together for exactly five years. I know I was in love with him because I literally knew EVERYTHING about him. I knew his past, his present, his desires for the future, I could complete his sentences, and even though he lied to me about the reasons why he broke up with me, I know what the real reasons were. I knew all his faults. I knew everything about him and even though he hurt me sometimes and made me feel miserable, I still wanted to be with him. Even though other people said,"How could you be with someone who does those things?" I didn't understand how they couldn't be with someone who did those things. Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason we broke up, even though we didn't tell each other this, was because we already knew everything there was to know about each other and the only way for us to change and learn new things was to become two separate people, but I don't know. I don't talk to him anymore. All I know is how much I've changed since we've separated. My current boyfriend, I have been with for a month. I'm not in love with him, but we do tell each other that we love each other. The reason I don't think I am in love with him yet is because I can't finish his sentences. I don't know him well enough to know everything he is thinking and feeling. There's so much about his past and my past and our thoughts and opinions on things that I have no idea about. There's so much to learn, so much that I do not know anything about yet. But I do care for him that's why I tell him that I love him, but when he says the whole,"We'll be together forever" thing, I am hesitant to agree with him because I am not in love with him yet and we haven't fought enough or talked enough for us to really know everything about each other and really accept it all. There's so many layers to uncover about each other and I know that from experience, although he already thinks I'm his soul mate and yada yada. It would be nice if we would be happy together for life, but I don't know enough to form an opinion yet. I did feel some butterflies in my stomach for both of them, but not a lot with either one. It went away pretty fast. Mostly, they both just make me feel at peace and loved and connected with someone in the world and like I'd be really, really unhappy without them. And I don't think the butterflies last forever no matter who you are. Neither would I want them to. They're distracting and make me think about the person I am with too much when there's so many other responsibilities and stuff I need to focus on in life.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 true love is truly tappin' dat ass; like regularly; talkin 5 times a week here people... maybe 6. fin.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Enchanted girl, I liked your post. I would have to agree that loving someone may be less intense than being in love with them. Trouble is I have never been in love before that I can remember so I don't have a point of reference. I feel more like you feel with boyfriend number 2, calm, peaceful, etc. We also say we love each other but at only three months in I can't sit here and tell you "Oh my gosh he is the one for me," I have no way of knowing that. My friend I mentioned in the primary post has been dating her bf for three months too and she said that she can see herself marrying her guy. Then again, she's been married before and I haven't. So I think it's all about experiences. Nice post.
Jannah Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Jannah: when you talk about passion, are your referring to explosive passion and fireworks and such, or slow steady burning passion that progresses over time? Well, I think passion can be either or. Some people feel passion immediately towards another human being (i.e. when they first meet them) whereas other times, it's a slow and steady passion that progresses over time. I think the immediate kind, is more lust inclined. Whereas the one that progresses over time, is more durable and inspiring.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Anyone else have thoughts?
Nobodyn0se Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Too often the word love is marginalized by our society. In the same breath that we say we love our significant other we can say that we love our new car... our pants, or hotdogs?? Because of this I believe the word love has lost it's power and meaning, often time leaving things hazy. As we know love is what makes LTR last. However love and feelings are often confused with each other. In order to understand what love is one must make the distinction between these two things. Feelings are that just that... feelings. They wane and subside after the newness of the relationship wears off, however they often come in seasons. Any relationship based off of feelings alone will not last. Love on the other hand is a more touchy subject, and everybody has a different idea of what it is. I personally like the way the ancient Jews look at it. In Hebrew they have not one but three different levels of love, and ideally a succesful relationship will have all of these components. The first is Raiva (spelling is definitely off). What this word implies is friendship. When you say you love your friends, this is the word that would be appropriate. I believe this component is all often over looked in a romantic relationship. This is important to having a long, lasting relationship. The second is Ahava. This love is essentially affection. It's that burning, aching desire to be with the one you love. It's when your heart, and mind wants nothing more to be next to the one you love. The third is Dobei which is the physically sexual element. It's being in tune with the one you love sexually. (Interesting fact Dobei is where the Greeks came up with concept of Erotica which is where English derived the word "erotic".)Here is where I diverge from the Jews outlook on love... I believe in a 4th element, and that is sacerfice. This is what I believe is the main component in love. Putting your partner before yourself, ideally in a healthy relationship this works both ways. From this we get compromise. When trying to decipher feelings from love this is what I believe you look for. What I mean by this is when you start wanting to care for the other person and satisfy their needs and wants. This is how I see that silly little thing we call love.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 You're an awesome writer! Love it. Anyhoo, I would say at first with my dude and I there were those "Oh my God this is awesome and let's be glued at the hip" and some moments of the goo goo ga ga, but as we've been together it's progressed to something a little more concrete and realistic. I sometimes think that a person's past can affect their present relationship; he was in a hellacious 10 year marriage and I have had really bad experiences with men. So on my end, I never really felt too many of the bells and whistles because I have been burned so many times before. I mean I would occasionally let myself go there, but the thing I love the most about our relationship is the fact that he accepts me for me and I accept him for him, flaws and all. Never had that before. I think everyone's experience is different. Often people enter the garden of romance but it wears off before they get to the castle. At your stage in your life, you're may be finding you're self already over the moat and through the gate (with a chance to experience some of the garden too). You may just have "hapilly ever after" material on your hands--someone you can trust and depend on in the waking state. As much as I love infatuation, I'll trade it for love, trust and dependability any time at this stage in my life. Both are great--garden and castle but I for one don't want to roll too many more dice on romantic dreams. Anyone want to get married?
Nobodyn0se Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Great analogy man, I just had to give you props for that.
810 Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Often people enter the garden of romance but it wears off before they get to the castle. At your stage in your life, you're may be finding you're self already over the moat and through the gate (with a chance to experience some of the garden too). You may just have "hapilly ever after" material on your hands--someone you can trust and depend on in the waking state. As much as I love infatuation, I'll trade it for love, trust and dependability any time at this stage in my life. Both are great--garden and castle but I for one don't want to roll too many more dice on romantic dreams. Anyone want to get married? ah, you speak my thoughts
Pyro Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 what is love? In love? Its majority physical love. If you stop desiring the person sexually you are no longer in love.
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