Scarlett513 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I posted a few weeks ago about my new boyfriend, who was taking what in my experience was unusually long to make a move to sleep with me. That particular situation worked itself out and things are going swimmingly (for now at least!). My only concern is that he seems nervous in bed. It seems like he has a hard time relaxing and like he is quite passive. He admitted to me after drinking one night that he hasn't had much prior experience with girls. He mentioned that he's worried about saying or doing the wrong thing with me, and he brought up a few things he's insecure about in terms of his body. So I understand where he's coming from. I'm absolutely thrilled with this guy, he has been nothing but wonderful to me so far. For purely selfish reasons, I would love it if he could relax enough to be more aggressive and dirtier in bed from time to time (I know he's got it in him, it just only comes out when he's got some liquid courage in him, lol). I personally like a little kink, and so far he's all vanilla. But more than that I just want him to relax and feel confident so that he can enjoy it more. I compliment him all the time, tell him how sexy I think he is, and try to tell him in subtle ways that some of the dirtier stuff turns me on. I want him to know he's not going to offend me if he talks dirty or smacks my butt, lol. I'm just not sure how to build his confidence and bring him out of his shell without freaking him out?
xpaperxcutx Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 What was that saying- " you can always teach a dog new tricks"? You can always ease him into more foreplay and more sexier positions when you have sex. Don't be afraid to voice your opinions as to how you want to have sex- you can always tease him with brand new ideas that he wouldn't be biased against- like having him eating you or you giving him head. Give suggestions to make the bedroom more fun, bring in toys, whipped cream, nipple clamps, etc. In my opinion, a guy can be shy and nervous, but if you can find certain ways to reassure him that you love having sex with him, his confidence will built up immensely. Also, talking dirty like " Mmmm, yes f--- me harder, oh yeah!" always do the tricks. Especially when he's inside of you, your response is pertinent to how well he percieves his performance. If you're a screamer, don't hold back on the moanings and purrings.
carhill Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 He mentioned that he's worried about saying or doing the wrong thing with me, and he brought up a few things he's insecure about in terms of his body. So I understand where he's coming from. 'I'd like us to agree that, inside the bedroom, there is never anything said or done that is 'wrong'. It is our sanctuary; our place to be completely open with each other. If I or you 'like' certain things or feel more comfortable with and/or aroused by certain ways of lovemaking, we'll talk about them outside the bedroom, and when sober. I love you' Communication
Author Scarlett513 Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Carhill, thank you for that. That would be exactly the right thing to say to him, I just couldn't find the words. I'm just not sure talking about it so openly is going to work at this point in our relationship - I tell him he's sexy and he literally blushes and can't look me in the eye. I don't think he has any idea of how attractive he is! No, I don't think it has anything to do with him being gay or not into me. He initiates about half the time and we've been *quite* busy in the past few weeks. I don't sense any lack of excitement in him.
carhill Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 My suggestion would be to discuss things in positive terms, meaning to suggest and validate actions/words you *like*, rather than enumerating what is unsatisfying to you. Encourage him to do the same. Part of being in an intimate relationship is safety; safety to openly express oneself with the feeling that their partner is on their team, cheering for them. One can suggest and still cheer. Good luck
zengirl Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Never approach it from a, "This is what's lacking" place, because that could be uncomfortable for him. Just approach it from a, "Wouldn't this be fun?" sort of place. Grow the intimacy and try to grow his confidence. From what you've said, I have a feeling he will come along, though it may be in his own time.
catgotyourtongue Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Hi while I appreciate the opinions here, and think it's great to have open talks and encourage him to be more playful, or you to spice it up, this leaves out HIM in the picture. While you want it hotter, spicier, better, and nastier, lol (in a good way) he could have a world of reasons he is not ready or not experienced or needs time to get to know you more. I have been with many different types of men, some very open and some way more quiet, internal and had to be safe and comfy to open up. Some men are not into that kind of sex, believe it or not....or just have not been with agressive girls. You might scare him off if you come from a controlling or agressive stance without knowing what HE might want, enjoy, feel safe with, etc. I think it's fine to say what you want, great to be honest, but he may take it wrong, think he is not good enough, etc. He could have issues that you know nothing abt, and need to consider. it happened to me recently with last guy I dated. Very quiet in bed, etc and almost uneasy, yet skilled. but seemed like he has some issues, fears, or past issues with exs that messed with his head. I was patient, kind and curious and did not push him. He started opening up a little and got more comfy with me, and things happened. I think, my point is, don;t rush it so soon, be a little patient, and try to learn about him more, not just telling him what YOU want and need, but let him know you want to make him happy and you want to make sure he is comfy...etc. I am sensitive as hell, especially after last guy, to his physical comfort level. Just cause u may want him to slap your ass and call you by a pretent stipper name, lol, does not mean that is how he rolls or wants to roll... he may end up being a wild stalion, with an appetite of a hungry rhino, but you may want to give him some time, space to get his 'eat on' lol best of luck and i do agree being honest, open is good..just be mindful..
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (deep breath)... also, while it might be absolutely blissful to the ears of an awkward teenage girl to be told that someone finds her "sexy"... I think that you would be much more effective if you were more detailed about the various things about him that you do like. If you're out on the town and he smells nice... tell him that you like the way he smells... and DON'T say "you smell sexy". IF indeed your admiration for him is all you have us believing, then to be truly vulnerable is to give (HIM) details, and not just get off the bus with the cover-all term that is supposed to be as wonderful as a box of chocolates, but which isn't well defined. You may have good success if you can find the various specifics you like about him, whether in bed or driving down a country road in a rainstorm, and make them clear to him!
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Gosh. All right, no doubt he's into you, so that's not an issue and he ain't in the closet either. I'm sorry for a young woman who has to experience this--I'm embarassed for my gender:p. Once a guy goes all the way with a woman it should be enough to say he doesn't have to worry about rejection or humiliation from her. It's already out the window. I don't know what to tell you to get through to this guy and as I said, I'm sorry you find it necessary to ask because who wants to lead someone out of his adolescence. I think all you can do really is put it on him that he's won you OUT of bed. Now if there's anything to be done it is to win you IN bed. You can do this playfully by challenging him without having it come out like you're faulting him. Tease him into thinking "oh, yeah? I'll show you some shi+ you thought you knew but you don't". I'm affraid if he doesn't start coming on that way, he's just not mature enough for you and you won't be able to rush that. Good luck. (Send him over to me for a father to son talk.)
Recommended Posts