Girl With Debt

[musemaj11]

I have twice that in school debt (and an impractical master's degree). Yay, me. I'm not happy about it, but at the time I didn't consider that it would make me unmarriageable. This is what you're saying fellas? ::sigh::

Were you also a shopaholic too?

 

Its funny that financial security is often the top requirement that women expect from a man and they find it reasonable.

 

But when the situation is reversed, suddenly a man is the most shallow human being if he cares about his future mate's financial stability.

Edited December 22, 2010 by musemaj11

[Knittress]

Were you also a shopaholic?

 

Nope, quite the opposite actually. I'm artsy enough to pull off a Goodwill wardrobe and I'm known for trying to get as much done as possible on a single bus transfer.

 

I also tend to date broke-ass grad students.

[Eddie Edirol]

Since you're only getting information from my side I will try to be objective.

 

She stated that she doesn't expect anyone to bail her out. It's also not something I would ever do.

 

of course she said that. Do you think if you told someone you were dating "hey I have 40 grand in CC debt and I need marriage to get it off my back, I expect you to help me pay for it, mostly you will be paying for it, also I have a bad spending habit..."????

Ever heard of Hoarders? Well she has started..I hope she has alot of junk to show for it...shame to spend all that free money on partying.

 

One thing that I was wondering about was why she hardly ever offered to pay for dates, or at least split them. She did offer one time when the bill was surprisingly high, that was a nice gesture, though it was only one out of many, many dates. I guess knowing this puts things in perspective a little bit, though it doesn't necessarily make them better.

 

She used to pay for all the dates, then the 20% in interest from 5 different cards surmounted. Get that? 100% on 40 gees. (of course im estimating)

Even if she goes into bankruptcy she will start over probably. Better steer clear. If you can get this pretty a woman, you can probably get another one.

[Lauriebell82]

If it's just $40,000 in credit card debt she probably has a compulsive shopping problem. It's an addiction. Don't be too hard on her, but I would not get back into a relationship with her. Support her as a friend. There are support groups/treatment for shopping addiction, encourage her to get some help.

[musemaj11]

Nope, quite the opposite actually. I'm artsy enough to pull off a Goodwill wardrobe and I'm known for trying to get as much done as possible on a single bus transfer.

 

I also tend to date broke-ass grad students.

Guys wouldnt mind women like you.

 

But who wants someone who is in a neck deep reckless spending debt?

[yah]

Is the debt or any part of her 'free spirit' a deal breaker? If not, then its not a reason to call it off. I just meant, holy smokes that's a lot of debt! But she has debt... its not like she's dealing drugs. A lot of young people rack up cards (its just that $40k is a LOT of irresponsible). If you are good with money, ask if she wants you to help her devise a plan. Work on it together and use it as a learning experience for her and for you to know if she could be responsible.

[Number 5]

Yeah, I'm only talking about the credit card debt. There's about as much in student loans.

[musemaj11]

If you can get this pretty a woman, you can probably get another one.

Or maybe this particular woman was just desperate for ANYONE who would be willing to carry her burden?

[joeLove]

This is really a tough one. But, got to learn to make tough decisions in life. If you are going to continue with her, then the first thing you need to do is have a VERY SERIOUS money conversation with her...

 

Joe

[AverageJoe]

All the OP has to do to test this is erect some boundaries, setting out his perspective for a healthy LTR partner.

 

Nothing really further to add to your response, other than. I really enjoyed the pun.

 

 

Easily the best I've ever had, though admittedly I haven't had many.

 

So, at 25 you have already decided this is the best you can ever do?

 

 

Date her? Sure.

 

Spend a penny on her debts? Not a chance in hell.

But that conversation will surface sooner or later, you can count on it.

[ecm]

40K is a lot of credit card debt, no doubt! But, depending on where you live, I'd say 50K is a pretty decent salary for a 25 year old. Do you have an equal or better paying job? (if not, I'm mad at her for never offering) Does she pay these bills? Are her parents wealthy? Do theeeey pay her bills?

 

To give you another perspective (maybe from her perspective) I'm slightly irresponsible with my money as well. I make good money, but I don't really save too much. Why? Because I know I have other money to fall back on. I am the "free spirit" type, too. I realize that it's a bad way to be and that it can't be like this forever, though. Right now, I am not married and don't have anyone else to take care of. She's probably part spoiled, part free spirit, and part doing it to fill voids (as someone else mentioned earlier). BUT, in a relationship, I am not irresponsible or spoiled or any of the above. We are all going to die eventually, so why not be with the person who makes you happy? HOWEVER- If it's ONLY about the "p" word (which I refuse to use lol) then you need to move your young little ass on and meet someone else. It will be a lot easier to teach someone "skills" than it will be to pay off that debt.

 

ps If you get married, that debt won't literally "become yours", btw (unless you do what another person said and assume the debts in your own name or are supporting her or something). If you see a future with her, you definitely need to figure out why she does it and if she can stop. She may not be the person you're supposed to be with, but it may not be your time to end things with her, ya know? She still might be able to get OUT of the bad habits, you know. Many people have kicked way worse things than a shopping addiction.

[ecm]

As the lady in question here will prove out, and an aspect of interpersonal relationships that almost all women are aware of, if a woman meets an enlightened man who won't play her p*ssy game, there's always another to replace him, no matter how attractive or otherwise compatible the former might be. This is an irreconcilable incompatibility. She needs to know that she *has* him in that way. All the OP has to do to test this is erect some boundaries, setting out his perspective for a healthy LTR partner. Interestingly, she might characterize it as 'emotional instability'. Remember, it's all about perception

 

Since the OP is doing forensic analysis, perhaps he can apply this information to future dynamics.

 

OP, I forgot to ask, are you interested in a LTR with the purpose of getting married some years in the future? It's important to know what *you* want.

 

BTW, I assume you did the math on her 50K salary, living at home and 40K of CC debt. Pretty scary, isn't it?

 

 

hahahaha "erect some boundaries". I'm sorry, I'm a 12 year old in a 36 year old body.

[folieadeux]

I work in Collections. Oh boy. Her debt will indeed become your debt if you get married like you say you would like to do at some point. People acquire debt for a myriad of reasons; this is inexcusable. This girl spent $40k on crap. And let's not forget the student loans on top of that (which is considered "good debt" on its own). Her spending habits are indicative of bigger issues and will undoubtedly effect you in the future if you choose to pursue this.

 

She makes a decent salary and lives at home; she should be able to pay some of this off. Is she making an effort to consolidate her debt and/or working with her creditors to setup affordable, monthly payment plans? If she's not being proactive about this, you need to think twice about your relationship. With her living situation the way it is, filing bankruptcy does not have to be her only option.

[carhill]

'I'm looking for a long-term partner and the person I choose will have to share my philosophy about fiscal responsibility. Frankly, with 40K in unsecured debt while essentially living cost-free and making a good living, I'm not seeing that with you.'

 

Then sit back and watch it happen. In fact, before you even get the above out, she'll have already moved on to option B. It's how life works.

[AverageJoe]

I work in Collections. Oh boy. Her debt will indeed become your debt if you get married like you say you would like to do at some point. People acquire debt for a myriad of reasons; this is inexcusable. This girl spent $40k on crap. And let's not forget the student loans on top of that (which is considered "good debt" on its own). Her spending habits are indicative of bigger issues and will undoubtedly effect you in the future if you choose to pursue this.

 

She makes a decent salary and lives at home; she should be able to pay some of this off. Is she making an effort to consolidate her debt and/or working with her creditors to setup affordable, monthly payment plans? If she's not being proactive about this, you need to think twice about your relationship. With her living situation the way it is, filing bankruptcy does not have to be her only option.

 

If you are third party collections she will just send you a letter of Validation over and over. haha

[folieadeux]

If you are third party collections she will just send you a letter of Validation over and over. haha

 

:lmao:

[Number 5]

40K is a lot of credit card debt, no doubt! But, depending on where you live, I'd say 50K is a pretty decent salary for a 25 year old. Do you have an equal or better paying job? (if not, I'm mad at her for never offering) Does she pay these bills? Are her parents wealthy? Do theeeey pay her bills?

 

To give you another perspective (maybe from her perspective) I'm slightly irresponsible with my money as well. I make good money, but I don't really save too much. Why? Because I know I have other money to fall back on. I am the "free spirit" type, too. I realize that it's a bad way to be and that it can't be like this forever, though. Right now, I am not married and don't have anyone else to take care of. She's probably part spoiled, part free spirit, and part doing it to fill voids (as someone else mentioned earlier). BUT, in a relationship, I am not irresponsible or spoiled or any of the above. We are all going to die eventually, so why not be with the person who makes you happy? HOWEVER- If it's ONLY about the "p" word (which I refuse to use lol) then you need to move your young little ass on and meet someone else. It will be a lot easier to teach someone "skills" than it will be to pay off that debt.

 

ps If you get married, that debt won't literally "become yours", btw (unless you do what another person said and assume the debts in your own name or are supporting her or something). If you see a future with her, you definitely need to figure out why she does it and if she can stop. She may not be the person you're supposed to be with, but it may not be your time to end things with her, ya know? She still might be able to get OUT of the bad habits, you know. Many people have kicked way worse things than a shopping addiction.

 

Yeah, she makes a decent salary. I make slightly more but not by much. She pays her bills and is actually somewhat anal about it, but that's probably because it's a big deal to do so at this point. Her parents are not wealthy and they do not pay her bills. I think they're barely hanging on as it is.

 

You're right, she's part spoiled and part free spirit. Other than economics we are actually have a lot in common. She grew up middle class and I kinda up in the slums, but we're both very much about education, college grads, and just have a lot of similar preferences overall. It's definitely not all about the "p," I just don't deny that I'm extremely attracted to her, she's just beautiful and there's no use denying it. It also wasn't about "skills" either, neither one of us is all that experienced, there was just a lot of physical compatibility. I thought all "p" was supposed to fit like a glove until I this one I just mentioned it because I was in a LTR before this and I never felt that way about the ex (the "p" and the attractiveness), we had a different thing going.

 

And about the debt, yes, I realize it doesn't actually become mine, but it's just there taking away from other things. I guess as long as that's know then it's not the end of the world, just an additional obstacle.

[Eddie Edirol]

Or maybe this particular woman was just desperate for ANYONE who would be willing to carry her burden?

 

I didnt wanna say that, but oh well....

[Star Gazer]

Maybe this was said somewhere in the thread, but did she finance her education (tuition, books, even room and board) or any medical expenses with credit cards?

 

Absent those expenses, that CC debt is INSANE. Mine's less than $500 any given month.

[musemaj11]

I didnt wanna say that, but oh well....

The truth has to be said, brotha.

 

A lot of guys lack skepticism.

 

I know myself. I know how I look. If a girl who is much more attractive than me shows interest, my first response is that of suspicion.

[Number 5]

She used to pay for all the dates, then the 20% in interest from 5 different cards surmounted. Get that? 100% on 40 gees. (of course im estimating)

I think this actually happened. She's been burned in one way or another by, from the sounds of it, all her exes. She also used to be very giving from some things she said, which is something I noticed she wasn't with me. Maybe that was her trying to correct past mistakes. Maybe it was her inability to do so. Maybe both. Still felt like the kind of thing that makes you pay for someone else's behavior.

 

Even if she goes into bankruptcy she will start over probably. Better steer clear.

I guess it's easy to say steer clear, but sometimes when you get stuck on someone it's hard to let go. Then again, reason does tell you that you might be headed into disaster.

 

 

Or maybe this particular woman was just desperate for ANYONE who would be willing to carry her burden?

This may be true.

I didnt wanna say that, but oh well....

The truth has to be said, brotha.

 

A lot of guys lack skepticism.

 

I know myself. I know how I look. If a girl who is much more attractive than me shows interest, my first response is that of suspicion.

I did consider this. She's not a perfect 10, but these things are relative more than anything, and it's fair to say that she's more attractive than I am.

[Rudderless]

Yeah... she expects some guy to pay it for her. Don't be that sucker.

Pretty low opinion of women there. We hear she has $40K of debt, suddenly, it's also the case that she expects some guy to pay it off

 

That's called adding 2 and 2 together and making 5

[durkadurka]

In a similar but different situation, I broke up with my ex because of her family, who has perpetually been in financial trouble.

 

About 3 months before we broke up, she loaned $5000 dollars to her parents for the second time. We are both hard workers and we've tried really hard to put our money away. At this point, our finances had become joined, and we shared bank accounts and this started sending off massive warning signs.

 

Not that I didn't know they were there, but the fact hse was going to keep bailing them out with no end in sight and did so without any sort of discussion scared the crap out of me. I come from a family with a lot of money, and I wasn't comfortable with the idea of having inlaws that were going to be an anchor that I would have to deal with 'unlimited bail outs' for the rest of my life.

 

There were options for mediation and things that I could be comfortable with, but I knew when it came to her parents, she lived with such guilt, she was prepared to write them a blank check and it would be unfair for me to put myself between her and her family.

Edited December 22, 2010 by durkadurka

[sammyd]

Pretty low opinion of women there. We hear she has $40K of debt, suddenly, it's also the case that she expects some guy to pay it off

 

That's called adding 2 and 2 together and making 5

 

 

Totally agree with this. Just because she has a large debt doesn't mean she expects someone else to pay it off!

If you are seriously interested in this girl, it is clearly something that would need to be broached before dating if possible. You're clearly concerned about it. It depends on the type of debt, whether it was just spending for the sake of it, or whether she has got into trouble unintentionally as to whether it can be worked through. She may appreciate someone taking the time to help with, but not pay for the debt:)

[musemaj11]

Pretty low opinion of women there. We hear she has $40K of debt, suddenly, it's also the case that she expects some guy to pay it off

 

That's called adding 2 and 2 together and making 5

Didnt he say that she already wont even offer to pay on dates?

 

If they get serious, sooner or later she will expect him to finance most if not all of her expenses while she pays off her debt (or not). Its basically gonna be the same thing.

 

I guess it's easy to say steer clear, but sometimes when you get stuck on someone it's hard to let go. Then again, reason does tell you that you might be headed into disaster.

Dude, you are clearly already in a pussy trance.

 

Honestly I think you are already at a point of no return. I know because I have experienced something similar. Maybe you should just accept it. Forget the consequences.

Edited December 22, 2010 by musemaj11