Girl With Debt

[Number 5]

So I recently broke up with a girl due to some emotional instability on my part. I didn't want things to get "TOO" involved, especially with a trip we were planning, and the holidays coming up. We had been dating for 3 months. I'll leave some other issues out of this thread to stay on topic...

 

We have actually stayed in touch over the last month of being separated, and on one conversation I found out that she has $40,000 of credit card debt!

 

While getting to know her, I could tell she seemed to have what I consider expensive taste and liked to be out of the house a lot (not partying, just out, almost always involving some expense). She also seemed impulsive, and admitted to "getting carried away" at malls with some friends in the past.

 

While I did break up with her I have been thinking about her a lot and though we have some differences in the way we handle money, we are similar in many other ways. I was planning to reach out to her again to be in a relationship, but knowing this I'm not sure that I could. I'm extremely attracted to her, but this fact shows a lot of things to be concerned about.

 

I know love is supposed to overcome anything, but I just don't understand how someone can do this to themselves.

 

Thoughts?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know love is supposed to overcome anything, but I just don't understand how someone can do this to themselves.

Thoughts?

 

Yeah... she expects some guy to pay it for her. Don't be that sucker.

[Madgick1]

Just say no. Just walk away.

 

Because should 'love' overcome this $40K, there will shortly be another $40K and another.

 

Also she's filling emotional holes with material things. It doesn't work.

[carhill]

Thoughts?

Free spirit, with only modest focus on responsibility. Plenty of those of both genders in the world.

 

Tell me, since she so enjoyed shopping, what was the nicest, most thoughtful gift she purchased for you? It doesn't have to be expensive. Inquiring minds

[Number 5]

Free spirit, with only modest focus on responsibility. Plenty of those of both genders in the world.

 

Tell me, since she so enjoyed shopping, what was the nicest, most thoughtful gift she purchased for you? It doesn't have to be expensive. Inquiring minds

 

You know what, she actually has a lot of that free spirit mentality which is something I love about her. It's always seemed so unfair to then dislike her for it. She is also slightly irresponsible, though she seems to be growing out of it. I've only known her for the three months so it's hard to say.

 

She got me a set of tupperware. I thought that was thoughtful. We definitely didn't go on "shopping dates," it's not something I would ever encourage, though we were at malls often for movies. One time she needed something so we went around looking for that, the second time she went into a store to get an item she had been thinking about. She almost bought 2... the fact that she was about to get a second when she didn't really need the first made me a little uneasy about her discipline. I never paid for anything she wanted to buy, she never asked me to, and it's also not my style.

 

We're both 25 and she still lives at home with her parents. It's harder to believe she's in the hole she is when you consider that she doesn't have to pay rent and was making 50k a year.

 

I'm so crushed to have found this out about her. She's beautiful and has a great personality. Don't get me wrong, she's not perfect, but I didn't think she'd have this massive issue. I never thought I'd write someone off for something like this, but at the same time it doesn't seem fair to me to have to carry the weight of a committed relationship just because she is tied up in having to deal with her credit card issues, especially since none of them have anything to do with me. It's also not the $40,000 itself (which is a big deal) but the impulses, characteristics, and actions that led to that.

[tigressA]

It's also not the $40,000 itself (which is a big deal) but the impulses, characteristics, and actions that led to that.

 

Exactly. A person's spending habits/how they deal with their finances says a lot about them, and money is one of the top things, if not the top thing, long-term serious couples fight over. Given the other factors (that she makes a decent salary and still lives with her parents rent-free), the fact that she still has that amount of debt screams fiscal irresponsibility and a habit of compulsive spending.

[carhill]

OK to date, but I'd find such a person incompatible for marriage. So, if it were your style, albeit a moot point now, STR potential.

 

As a comparison, I had a long-time female friend who was very financially savvy and responsible and she bought me wonderful, well-considered gifts during our years of friendship. She paid attention to what I liked on our 'shopping dates' and acted on it. I learned a lot from that.

 

40K in unsecured debt at 25 is pretty scary, IMO. The good news for her is that it is dischargeable in bankruptcy and her beauty and free spirit personality will likely snag her a man who doesn't care about such things and will 'provide' for her. Win-win

[poorguy]

I agree with crazed. Plain and simple it's a HUGE red flag!!! I dated a girl like that and at first I was sort of like "well it's not my problem"..Well then we moved in together and she never had any money to pay for anything including rent, her own car payments, you name it. It's funny because we were just talking at work this morning about this very topic

[Number 5]

OK to date, but I'd find such a person incompatible for marriage. So, if it were your style, albeit a moot point now, STR potential.

 

What does STR mean?

 

40K in unsecured debt at 25 is pretty scary, IMO. The good news for her is that it is dischargeable in bankruptcy and her beauty and free spirit personality will likely snag her a man who doesn't care about such things and will 'provide' for her. Win-win

 

How is that a win for me? I want her beauty and free spirit lol

[carhill]

STR= short term relationship

 

It's not a win-win for you because apparently such issues matter to you. There are many men (I know some) who could care less about such issues. She would give him what he wants and he'd give her what she wants. Win-win

 

Regardless, since you're broken up, ostensibly due to emotional instability on your part, it's a moot point. She's moved on. Young ladies like that are single for ten seconds. Good luck

[zengirl]

My boyfriend has probably close to 30K in student loans. Doesn't bother me, and it would've been 40K if I'd met him just a few years ago. Still wouldn't bother me. But that's because it afforded him the opportunity to break into a field he loves, and he has a plan to pay it back.

 

It's be the cause of her debt and the attitude towards it that would bother me. I'd date my boyfriend if he had 40K in medical debt or even in credit card debt, if there were a good or understandable reason, and he was working on a plan to fix it.

[ascendotum]

* I found out that she has $40,000 of credit card debt!

* I could tell she seemed to have what I consider expensive taste

* She also seemed impulsive, and admitted to "getting carried away"

Money is a big factor in a huge chunk of long term relationship break ups, and you have already broken up with her over other things, before reckless spending even got to be a factor yet. If you are more conservative, sensible with money, then in time her reckless ways with her $ will impact on you and it will be your $ that will need to keep coming to the rescue. Knowing this information now, post separation, I would have thought was great for you to reinforce your prior descision to break up with her in my opinion.

 

* I want her beauty and free spirit lol

Then take Carhill's advice. just treat it as a STR. She's a free spirit alright when it comes to brightening up her life with new stuff she bought on one of her free spirited trips out to the shops, spending on the never never.

[youngskywalker]

For me, it's a deal breaker. I dated a girl who was 50K in debt with student loans and credit cards. She showed no effort to be responsible and start paying it back. She only complained about it, "poor me".

 

I broke up with her for that reason and I don't regret it.

[Number 5]

Under normal circumstances I would totally take the chance and ride it out. Who knows, maybe she might learn the consequences of her actions.

 

However, I'm also dealing with this... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257966/ and am concerned about feeling regret.

 

It's a hot mess.

[carhill]

Get some alone time and work on you. The hot mess is in your lap.

[musemaj11]

Pussy trance strikes again.

 

A pussy can send a man into such a trance that he is willing to throw away everything he has without thinking.

[carhill]

Yes, this is a great opportunity to learn from successful women who carefully scrutinize their potential mates for a myriad of physical, emotional and financial constants they require for a relationship. They're very pragmatic, even if seeming irrational and scatter-brained. Don't let that fool you. Ever.

[musemaj11]

Yes, this is a great opportunity to learn from successful women who carefully scrutinize their potential mates for a myriad of physical, emotional and financial constants they require for a relationship. They're very pragmatic, even if seeming irrational and scatter-brained. Don't let that fool you. Ever.

I read that when a man's testosterone surges due to visual stimulation alone, his brain suddenly transforms into a state similar to the brain of an intoxicated person.

 

They did an experiment with I think expert poker players. They showed them racy pictures before a game and after that they suddenly made all sorts of mistakes that expert players werent supposed to do.

 

Testosterone has led many men to their downfall. From Marc Antony and Cleopatra to Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren.

[carhill]

As the lady in question here will prove out, and an aspect of interpersonal relationships that almost all women are aware of, if a woman meets an enlightened man who won't play her p*ssy game, there's always another to replace him, no matter how attractive or otherwise compatible the former might be. This is an irreconcilable incompatibility. She needs to know that she *has* him in that way. All the OP has to do to test this is erect some boundaries, setting out his perspective for a healthy LTR partner. Interestingly, she might characterize it as 'emotional instability'. Remember, it's all about perception

 

Since the OP is doing forensic analysis, perhaps he can apply this information to future dynamics.

 

OP, I forgot to ask, are you interested in a LTR with the purpose of getting married some years in the future? It's important to know what *you* want.

 

BTW, I assume you did the math on her 50K salary, living at home and 40K of CC debt. Pretty scary, isn't it?

[Lemontang]

Dude this is her debt and her debt only to sort out. If this is something you can't handle then walk away. I learn't this the hard way. An ex of mine I'd been with for 3 years was a bad debtor and owed about $12,000 in credit card debt. Now it wouldn't be so bad, but she pissed most of the money she earns up against a wall (alcoholic). She eventually convinced me to take her debt on with a new credit card under my name so she could keep up with the payments as the interest being charged to her current one was high. The agreement was she'd pay off a new TV & heater we'd brought as it was interest free. Little did I know she only made minimum payments over 8 months before we split and she left me in debt plus wanted to swindle half my house that I own (she didn't get that but she cost me an additional 15K, plus I could go on about other financial crap she had but I'll spare you). I'm so lucky too I didn't go along with her idea of joint bank accounts, I'm certain she would have cleaned it out.

 

So the simple moral is even if your hearts in the right place don't let it mess with your mind. I'm thankful if anything for learning a lesson I can share with others. So don't be a douche like I was thinking you can save her world.

 

If it spends like a princess but cries foul like a pauper walk away.

[yah]

$40,000 debt at 25?? Holy smokes!! That was some serious shopping spree. Sounds like an addiction.

 

If you insist on staying with her, please teach her financial responsibility! 25yrs old... :eek:

[wheream_i]

When I was in my early 20's, that free spirit type pf personality was very attractive to me as well. I'm 32 now and it seems that kind of person only gets themselves and others who may within her vicinity into trouble. Whether it be financial, emotional or legal trouble. That type of behavior usually includes drinking and driving. Bad news. The longer you stay involved with her, the more you will inherit that trouble that seems to follow her because she's a "free spirit".

 

You said it yourself, she lives at home with no rent and is still in that deep of debt. Let some other sucker deal with that. Because right now, her ex-bf is probably saying that about her new bf (you).

 

 

 

You know what, she actually has a lot of that free spirit mentality which is something I love about her. It's always seemed so unfair to then dislike her for it. She is also slightly irresponsible, though she seems to be growing out of it. I've only known her for the three months so it's hard to say.

 

She got me a set of tupperware. I thought that was thoughtful. We definitely didn't go on "shopping dates," it's not something I would ever encourage, though we were at malls often for movies. One time she needed something so we went around looking for that, the second time she went into a store to get an item she had been thinking about. She almost bought 2... the fact that she was about to get a second when she didn't really need the first made me a little uneasy about her discipline. I never paid for anything she wanted to buy, she never asked me to, and it's also not my style.

 

We're both 25 and she still lives at home with her parents. It's harder to believe she's in the hole she is when you consider that she doesn't have to pay rent and was making 50k a year.

 

I'm so crushed to have found this out about her. She's beautiful and has a great personality. Don't get me wrong, she's not perfect, but I didn't think she'd have this massive issue. I never thought I'd write someone off for something like this, but at the same time it doesn't seem fair to me to have to carry the weight of a committed relationship just because she is tied up in having to deal with her credit card issues, especially since none of them have anything to do with me. It's also not the $40,000 itself (which is a big deal) but the impulses, characteristics, and actions that led to that.

[Number 5]

Since you're only getting information from my side I will try to be objective.

 

She stated that she doesn't expect anyone to bail her out. It's also not something I would ever do, my family's been screwed out of money plenty of times and growing up with that around you makes you very sensitive to the possibilities of it happening to you.

 

One thing that I was wondering about was why she hardly ever offered to pay for dates, or at least split them. She did offer one time when the bill was surprisingly high, that was a nice gesture, though it was only one out of many, many dates. I guess knowing this puts things in perspective a little bit, though it doesn't necessarily make them better.

 

I did do some estimates and it's something in the order of 8 years to pay off that kind of debt. It's kind of forensic analysis, but it's also hopeful thinking... can it work? I haven't totally forgotten about this girl.

 

I'm not looking to save her world or anything like that, just that for someone who has so much to take care of on their side of things, it will leave little else for the shared expenses.

 

BTW, yes I am looking for a LTR with the purpose of getting married in the (nearish) future, which is why I think this is an important issue.

 

Pussy trance? Have to admit that it's a possibility that this is what makes me even consider someone with that much baggage. I've seriously never had any this good. Easily the best I've ever had, though admittedly I haven't had many. I'm also coming off a relationship where the sex was not very existent and that also muddles things up a bit.

 

I guess I'm on here to see how crazy people think this is. Is it (quality of life) suicide? I guess knowing the numbers is knowing the numbers... it's about an 8 year battle.

[musemaj11]

Pussy trance? Have to admit that it's a possibility that this is what makes me even consider someone with that much baggage. I've seriously never had any this good. Easily the best I've ever had, though admittedly I haven't had many. I'm also coming off a relationship where the sex was not very existent and that also muddles things up a bit.

Thought so.

 

You see Marc Antony, you just found your Cleopatra. Now its your choice whether you wanna give up your empire for a nice piece of pussy.

[Knittress]

I have twice that in school debt (and an impractical master's degree). Yay, me. I'm not happy about it, but at the time I didn't consider that it would make me unmarriageable. This is what you're saying fellas? ::sigh::