soleharmony1123 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been rather immersed in reading many books on break-ups, rebounds, the importance of getting back to ME and now I'm there, to a large degree. But I have my days. Since I resumed NC (back in August 2010) and have strictly held to it, my ex resumed calling once a week or every 2 weeks. Our last convo back in August revealed he was still "on the fence" about getting back together after leading me to believe we were working toward reconciling back in July 2010. Finally after our last convo in August, I went strict NC. He said he loved me "without any doubt" and all the other typical excuses - "we've always been so close," "You're good for me, but I'm not good enough for you." I basically told him to leave me alone, he's dead to me and a few other things I regret saying. He told me I was speaking way out of character and that he'd give me some time to cool off and he'd call me. Exactly a month after, he began to call me once a week. December 14th marked a special hallmark for him and his calls have increased since that time. For the past 2 weeks, his VMs have been "I miss you," "I really miss you, and want to hear your voice." Basically, his VMs have started sounding like the person he was before the B/U instead of some lifeless android programmed to methodically call me and leave vague VMs. Last week one VM said in short "I don't know if you really care or not, but I just wanted to keep you updated on what's going on with me, and I really just wanted to talk to you/hear your voice." Then a few days later he called and asked "Can we please bury the hatchet, I miss you." I broke NC (I guess some would say) and sent a brief text that read "I agree - hatchet buried." He responded with "thank u, I really miss you." I replied with a simple "thanx." That was Saturday evening, but I haven't heard anything else from him. Was I wrong to forgive him at this point? I feel relieved - as if a weight is off my shoulders. I have never felt any negative emotions toward my ex until our b/u. Did I let him off the hook too easily by granting forgiveness? It was for my benefit as well. I just don't want to hold on to the breakup any longer. My life is progressing again and although I still care about him, I just wanted to end the chapter and close the book. Do you think his apology was sincere?
Fern Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I'd LOVE to be able to really, properly forgive my ex. If you have done that - really done it and let go and you feel better - I can't see how that can be a bad thing.
NeNinja Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 If it made you feel better you made the right decison.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Post-breakup (6) months have been very draining for me. He kept contact throughout the breakup despite my going NC, and he never respected my desire to not speak with him. He's been soooo selfish person in trying to hinder me from healing and moving on. When he called and left the message asking me if we could bury the hatchet, I saw it as my golden opportunity to end everything once and for all. I gave him forgiveness without having to speak to him or honor his request to hear my voice. Ideally, that should end it. If it made you feel better you made the right decison.
Movingthrough Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) If it helped you feel better then thats all that matters, as far as letting him off easy, trust me you are good. He left a million VM's saying this and that and you didnt respond, he didnt get off easy, you did good. Mine was a little different but before I went NC I wrote a short email to my ex basically saying this is what I have wanted and it hasnt happened so I can do this anymore, I ended it with a I dont want to get in the way of your happiness so good luck basically. I can honestly say I felt like a weight was off my shoulders and there were no other intentions besides making ME feel better, a lot disagreed with me doing it and some days I feel I was too nice, but being mature, burying the hatchet, whatever, is the best thing to do. Edited December 22, 2010 by Movingthrough
Author soleharmony1123 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) I felt exactly as you described - like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I forgave him so I could continue to heal and move on. It wasn't necessarily done for him. I'm fairly certain now that most of his contact was due to his tremendous feelings of guilt. (We became friends when he was 10 and I was 12, and we knew each other prior to that). I felt it only fair to relieve him of some of his guilt. After all, a man has a right to choose a woman he wants and reject the one he no longer wants. Basically, I believe he was telling me he missed me so many times this week and last week because the green grass is fading and he may have been seeking to line up his "fallback." I also think that's why he put an apology out there. Actually, it was a vague one - asking me to "bury the hatchet" doesn't make him accept responsibility for all the hurt & pain he has caused by his betrayal and rejection. He was basically asking me to sweep everything under a rug and act like nothing happened. I just had to do it FOR ME; otherwise, I'd remain stuck wondering when the right apology would come and would it be a proper one. I decided any apology was better than none because it releases me from that "emotional bondage." Know what I mean? So when he sent me the follow-up text thanking me and telling me he really misses me I was like, "yeah, yeah, whatever!" instead of sitting there trying to "assess" the meaning of the text in comparison to the VMs he had been leaving. That's ridiculous! If it helped you feel better then thats all that matters, as far as letting him off easy, trust me you are good. He left a million VM's saying this and that and you didnt respond, he didnt get off easy, you did good. Mine was a little different but before I went NC I wrote a short email to my ex basically saying this is what I have wanted and it hasnt happenedso I can do this anymore, I ended it with a I dont want to get in the way of your happiness so good luck basically. I can honestly say I felt like a weight was off my shoulders and there were no other intentions besides making ME feel better, a lot disagreed with me doing it and some days I feel I was too nice, but being mature, burying the hatchet, whatever, is the best thing to do. Edited December 22, 2010 by soleharmony1123
Am4Real Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I’m not sure you’re telling us everything that may be going on in your head and heart – just a hunch. No doubt it’s good to move on and put the past behind you, however you undoubtedly gave up control over the situation when you broke NC and responded. Apology or not you gave up control; I think it bothers you to some degree and I base that perspective on your comment stating you have not heard from him again since Saturday. It almost sounds like a downer for you…was it…were you expecting more? Be honest. I think whether the apology was sincere or not is irrelevant. Seemingly it didn’t make you feel all that much better however at least now you can say the “hatchet is buried” which is none other than saying let’s end this disagreement and really it's not an apology at all. So what’s next for you…carry on with the occasional text and see where things go as a fall back for him or end it all now forever? Please tell.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 I’m not sure you’re telling us everything that may be going on in your head and heart – just a hunch. There’s just too much to tell. I have learned (am still learning) the importance of keeping my head in control of my heart. No doubt it’s good to move on and put the past behind you, however you undoubtedly gave up control over the situation when you broke NC and responded. Apology or not you gave up control; I think it bothers you to some degree and I base that perspective on your comment stating you have not heard from him again since Saturday. It almost sounds like a downer for you…was it…were you expecting more? Be honest. I disagree with your summation that I gave up control. I gave up control no more than a dumpee in NC who is fed up with unwanted contact from an ex sends the dumper a quick text message specifically stating “please do not contact me anymore” and resumes NC. That’s pretty much the implication with my text message “I agree – hatchet buried.” I freed myself and freed my ex of his guilt; after all, that’s why he’s been in contact for all this time (10 months of “no let-up contact”). He felt guilt – deep guilt for betraying his best friend and the woman who has been there for him unlike any other. Apart from that, I still felt that I abandoned him because December 14th was an important milestone date for us. I know he feels that way too. That’s why he kept leaving messages for me and sent text messages saying he misses me. He was feeling melancholy, and to a degree, so was I. At any rate, forgiving him freed him of his guilt and freed me to move on and complete the healing process without feeling any more responsibility for his feelings. Forgiving him meant he can now be in his relationship with his new love and not be burdened with guilt for what he did to me – to us. Forgiving him was my final phase of detachment. Hopefully, when December 14th rolls around next year, he can focus on what it will mean to him from the perspective of his new relationship. As far as being downtrodden because I haven’t heard from him, that’s not an accurate assumption. It’s just that he reacted in an entirely different manner from what I expected – by actually going away (retreating) instead of resuming contact. At some point, many of us here have gone through the “what if’s.” Back in July/August, I thought my ex and I were close to reconciliation, only for him to do a complete turnabout. He gave me the classic lines – “you’re like my sister,” “you’re too good for me,” “I’m not good enough for you,” “I love you.” Blah Blah Blah. Then back in August, I got a phone call from a family member of his confirming to me that he was involved with another woman and they had moved in together. The past few days I’ve been dealing with residual feelings from that time as well as the fact that I’ve indeed closed the book. So, there was this reservation that “what if” he was sincere this time. “What if” my vague text message “thanx” in response to his “I miss you” discouraged him from trying? Of course, I know better, but at our turning point, I believe we all face the “what if’s” if we’re human and still love a person. There is no doubt I will always love my ex, but I can no longer allow him to de-value me and treat me like some thing he can pick up and put down at leisure. I see that as clear evidence of strength and far from someone who has given up control. I think whether the apology was sincere or not is irrelevant. Seemingly it didn’t make you feel all that much better however at least now you can say the “hatchet is buried” which is none other than saying let’s end this disagreement and really it's not an apology at all. I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s all it states. This again highlights, NO! exemplifies the self-absorbed state of mind my ex lives in. He wanted to bury the hatchet so he can go on with living and not have to give this matter any more thought because after all “Sole, forgave me, so that’s all water under the bridge - on to my next victim…or time for phase 3 of my game.” But there’s just a slight twist this time. The board is swept on my end, and he’s the only player. So what’s next for you…carry on with the occasional text and see where things go as a fall back for him or end it all now forever? Please tell. For me, it’s ended. You may be asking “is that until he calls again?” The answer is no. The intention after I sent him the text message was back to NC. That’s still my intent. What would I do if he called and wanted to really reconcile this time? I believe there would be too much to overcome for reconciliation to be successful.
Am4Real Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 For me, it’s ended. You may be asking “is that until he calls again?” The answer is no. The intention after I sent him the text message was back to NC. That’s still my intent. What would I do if he called and wanted to really reconcile this time? I believe there would be too much to overcome for reconciliation to be successful. Sounds like you have your head together and know what you want or "don't want". Bravo!!! Best wishes, Am4Real
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